Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Stories

I don't know why, but sometimes the stories of addiction in families comes in floods for me. 

I have, what I consider a good friend, whom I have not met in person, but on the ODR board.  I have written about her in my Love blog.  To state the facts.  1.  She is raising her 2 grandsons.  2.  Her son in law just graduated a 2 year program in a year.  Can you say snake?  3.  He is moving in with them this week.  Let's just say this is not ideal for her, but her husband is behind it.  4.  Her daughter walked down the mountain from the program Emily is in now.  Her daughter has no teeth.  Her daughter is depressed.  Her daughter is in an extremely religious program now, as the court said she needs to complete a 2 year program.  She is on a 10 day home pass.  5.  The religious program has adopted 10 non-fixed dogs and asked for volunteers to take care of them over the break.  Her husband volunteered to take 1.  Nobody is walking the dog and it's making messes in house and she is finding she has to keep her own dog in a cage , away from the shelter dog.  6.  Her husband is leaving today until the 4th to see his kids and grand kids in FL, leaving my friend with 2 adult semi - recovering addicts, 2 grand kids, and 2 dogs.

I am in touch with a father of a girl that actually hung out with and semi lived with Emily when she was in KY.  Facts:
1.  The dad and mom are raising 2 of the girls kids from 2 different fathers.  2.  The girl had a 3 rd baby last night from yet a 3rd father.  Here is what he sent me:

 Her mother couldn't go for the same reasons. It's incredibly difficult to see her like that. She looks about 20 years older then she is, all skin and bones, teeth rotted. Kinda reminds me of the WW2 concentration camp victims. Still talking nonsense, like she can't see reality like everyone else does. It's heartbreaking

The Police called us this week.  Facts are.  1.  We will  not get our money back from the check.  2.  Ben and his parents lied to the police and told them Emily came to their house with that check, said I had written it out for "rent" for them.  Since Ben and his parents lied and they can not reach Emily , case closed.  Real facts: The check was stolen, written out by Emily , cashed by Ben and several hours later Emily over dosed.. check the date Mr and Mrs Ben's Parents.  So sad, parents stoop to that level and engage in the addict deceit.

We got a 5 minute call from Emily on Christmas.  She was shaky.  Tired not to cry.  I think they are told not to cry and they are told not to ruin the family's holiday.  She loved her 2 gifts, in fact was wearing them already.  She got tons and tons of gifts from the facility.  Not sure why or how.. except to think they are donations and they have to get them off their "books" or "shelves".  She said it's hard, very hard.  I just told her she is doing great and to keep going and we will see her sometime around Easter.  That we were proud of her and know it's hard, but the reward will be huge.  She said she is in a talent show and that was something to look forward to.  And she loved us all very much. 

Everyone with this disease has a story.  Some more tragic than others, but all have to work thru the process the best they can with the help and support they can get.  For now, our story is on an even keel, who knows about tomorrow?  Breath, just breath I keep reminding myself. 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Holiday Cards

Since my last post, we have heard nothing.  Well, no, I take that back!  We all three got seperate Christmas cards from Emily.  I have to say, from the card choices, she thought about it.  Mine was PEACE.  Every year she would ask me, what I want for Christmas.  I would say PEACE.  What kind of peace she would ask me with her big wondering eyes as a young child.  I would say, Inner Peace, Outter Peace, Family Peace, World Peace, Country Peace.  Peace between you and your brother.  There is all kinds of peace to want.  So my card had the word PEACE cut out with a nice message: Falling softly all around you...
insert the word PEACE.  Shinning gently deep within you.  So I know she thought about what card to send each person. 

There was a short , but tear jearking note.  I also took note her handwriting was clear, good and there were not any misspelled words.  It read:
I love you so much !  Thank you for ALL your love and support through this challenging part of my life!  Can't wait to be a great daughter again.  Love and Hugs, Emily

My husbands card read:
Thank you for putting music into my life!  I can't wait to hear your band, sing with you and be a great daughter again.  Hearts , Emily

My son's card read:
Andy-Baby ( our name for him)
I love and miss you.  Hope you are doing well.  Can't wait to see you and hear all about your new exciting life.  I am proud of you.  Heart ! Em

There were all post marked on the 18th.  So we know she is still there. 

Amazing how a simple little card can make my whole holiday.  Where in the past the lack of even a homemade card had the ability to ruin my holdiay. 

Friday, December 16, 2011

Thank You all for the Support! Times already Changed...

Sometimes the Universe does have a lot of pull in the timing department!  This week one of Emily's old friends stopped by.  He and she were charged together in 08.  They both "went away" right after that.  He was 3 years clean last Aug!!!  He was in from AZ, where he makes his new home now.  This is him and his new beautiful girlfriend.

My phone was ringing... and I was like the phone can wait, I want to spend a quality 30 or 60 minutes with him. 

I retrieved my message the next morning.  3 from Emily.  Crying, choking, wishing I would pick up to help her, but knowing if anyone found she used the phone , she would be in big trouble.  I am glad I did not pick up.  For many reasons.  I was just telling her friend how well she was doing and how she only asked about him and nobody else.  She said she was thinking of leaving and the sleep deprivation was too much for her and would look up on line another program near there which is also long term and free. 

Let me tell you, my heart ached for a few minutes, the Mother in me.  Then I remembered she was an addict.  Her mind works for her benefit only.  So by us having a great visit with her, it opened the door for her to call me and want to move to yet another place, thinking it will be easier and it won't and she won't do the hard work she needs to do and moving to different places over and over again, isn't working.  I remembered she is actress.  She could win awards in that area.  I remembered she is lier, manipulator.  I remembered she is newly sober and things really don't change over a short amount of time, they change by working a program long term.. in for the long haul. 

Several people asked me why I have not called the program to get details.  Several reasons, I like that I am not active in her program.. it's hers, not mine.  I need the break.  I am sure this place is used to this and can handle it.  And I don't wanna get her in more trouble... I know she will be caught and I know they will take care of it. 

The only thing is, if she did leave or leaves, I would like to know.  I know she is capable of doing it and in all honesty, more capable of doing that , than staying and doing the hard work.  I hope they would call me if she left.  Not that I could do anything, but it's not like she is around the corner and in a place she knows how to survive in. 

So please continue to keep us/ her in your prayers and thoughts this Holiday Season.  There is no gift that could ever replace the power of prayers to keep our children safe and healthy.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Shift

Well you can see she gained weight since I dropped her off at 88 pounds! 

I titled this "The Shift", not The Change, because I am really not sure people really change THAT much.  I think they shift.  We had Family Day with Emily last Saturday.  Just got back in town last night.  All I can say is, I cried and cried and for once they were tears of joy!

When I took her down to the program, I am driving in the dark with newly detoxed girl, so I did what I could to get her there,  I promised her if she graduated we would go dance on Jim Morrison's grave, she could have my ipod, heck, she could have my car... oh and you are still unsure, we will be there for the Christmas Family Day and if you don't like it, we will figure something else out... but please just give it 50 days! 

Knowing she holds us to our word, we discussed how we would handle it if she did say, get me out of here.  We had our plan, you have to with her or probably with any other addict.  Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. 

The first thing she said to me, was remember you said we'd talk about another place if I didn't  like it here?  Ut oh..here it comes I am thinking... she said well I hate it here!  But, I need to hate it here.  I want it.  I know if I can this do , I can do anything and have a chance at a good life.  She said it's the hardest thing she or anyone she knows has done and she is sorry it has come down to this and she blew all the cushy places she went to. 

As their website says, it's the end of the road.. the only other options are death and jail.  It's true.  I would not recommend this place as a first time program.  I would not recommend this to anyone that is not serious.  I have my own believes and I do not believe sleep deprivation is beneficial to sanity, but she is doing it.  There were a lot of red flags or things I have a hard time with, but it doesn't matter what I think.  It matters that she gets clean and has a chance at life and wants this.

They do everything for a reason, but don't question their reason.  Everything is some kind of test, even for us.  Don't question it.  I quickly learned not to worry about her, they will  not let her die and they just might reach her in a way nobody else has been able to do.

The program was from noon to 5pm.  We sat with a family that flew in from NJ.  There were people from all over the country.  At 3pm they rounded up the girls to leave and go work.  Leaving their families that made a lot of arrangements and spent a lot of money to be there.  They did not ask Emily to leave to go to work.  I said, maybe you should volunteer to go?  She said, she does sometimes, now is not the time.  They came and got 2 of the 3 girls at our table and if they wanted her, they would have told her then.  The founder came up to our table and spent about 10 minutes with us and said he believes in her, believes she wants this and they help her get it.  Then they started a graduation ceremony.  There were 11 graduates.  Let's just say, I didn't think I had anymore tears left, but I did!  We got to stay until 7pm with Emily.  I don't know if it was a test, I don't know if she will "pay" for that or what.. but like I said, they do everything for a reason, so even I had to trust there was a lesson there for her... and us. 

She is in trouble for somethings, so it will be awhile before we can communicate with her.  They call it "on the move"  Meaning even less sleep and more work.  The last thing I said to her was, quit being on the move and stay still and listen for awhile so we can talk on the phone and write. 

She has been there just over 50 days and it's her 8th program and it's the biggest shift in her that I have ever seen.  My husband is hopeful.  I can't go there, as I have been burned too many times with hope that never happens.  I am more shocked... but a good shocked!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts.  Keep them coming because it's a life long disease.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


There is reason I didn't become an addict.    I was talking to friend I recently actually met from ODR (opiate-recovery board),  and it became clear to me.  In between my 2nd and  3rd back surgery, I was taking percocets or Oxycontin every 4 hours and actually told to enhance it with alcohol.  If that doesn't set the ground work for a pill addict, I don't what does.  She (my friend)  felt I was just one of the "lucky" ones.  I'd like think I differently.  I like to feel in control.  I couldn't wait for my 3rd my surgery to get off those meds.. sure hand me some Lexapro for awhile, because my life as I knew it changed, but get me off these pain pills.  I walked out of the hosp.  that night of my 3rd surgery and was off all pain pills within 4 days and don't remember experiencing any with drawls.  But in my mind, the pills were for pain and and I was no longer in pain and gained my control back. 

But control is a double edged sword.  When addiction hits your child or any family member or any close friend, there is nothing you can control.  It's hard to sit back and watch the addiction control your loved one.  I still struggle with it a lot!  Let go and trust.. Yea right!  If I am not proactive for my children, what kind of mother am I?  Talk about struggle... I guess luck was on my side.. I didn't reach for my old bottle of percocets to get me thru. 

We had not heard a word from the place I dropped Emily off at in mid October.  I had called, emailed, sent a letter.. and found their facebook page, where I politely asked how I could get a hold of someone with my "business" questions.. which was promptly deleted within 4 hours.  I had no control.  No way to get ahold of anyone.  We finally got a generic letter about their "family day" Dec. 12th.  They suggested we donate items to their program... that was my loop hole... I told my husband to call and find out what donations they are looking for ( since they are not responding to me).  They called him back the next day.

Sure, I will donate some shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, contact solution... but I got the information I wanted too, which was my goal.

The first night Emily was there, at dinner she broke down and cried.  She was overwhelmed with the hot food , clean bed, showers.  She thought she would be in a homeless shelter or on the street.  The out of control levels a family stoops to , to get their child somewhere safe is actually uncontrollable... isn't it?

The woman my husband spoke to is 50 years old, she completed the program a year ago.  She said Emily is their most extreme case of anyone her age.  Due to her young age, she has lived the lifetime of an addict in such a short amount of time.  Their program is the end of the road, which they state on their website.. the next step is jail or death.. and that's where my daughter is... obviously I had no control. 

Besides the normal we hear about her, sweet sweet girl, bright, such potential.  We heard a new word.  Emily is grateful.  I would never put Emily and grateful in the same sentence.  If she were sober for 10 years, I still don't believe we would hear those 2 words together.  ( made me think she is faking it, playing her game)   We heard about her rebellion.  She is struggling with the rules, all addicts do, you know they above the rules.. we know this too.  But I was surprised again about what rule she was rebelling about, clothes.  The woman said this is normal.  It's a psychological thing.  The girl addict's control.  And the place's goal is to teach them, it isn't what's on the outside, it's what is on the inside.  Emily never wore tight clothes, she never wore those shirts above her pant waist.  She has no chest, so no tight shirts for her.. but that changed in the last year or so.  I suppose dancing at clubs made her see her body in a different light or she knew if she dressed a certain way, she got what she wanted or needed at that time. And now that became a habit.

We asked if it was too soon to see her.  We are afraid she will ask us to leave there.  The woman said you would not have been invited unless we didn't feel Emily was ready.  And if she asks us that, we are to find the woman and all 4 of us will work it out. 

So my husband officially RSVP'd for he and I.  She said I thought Emily's brother was invited.  We said he was, but he is unwilling to come.  She said that's ashame, but that's the consequences of our actions and we loose a lot. 

And yet again, I have not control.  I would love for our whole small family to go, as a family unit.  But, my son is 18, an adult and he has his own journey with it and I have found if I try to control that, it back fires.

I know when I see Emily, how she feels and how she is doing and all I can control is my reaction, which might just be none.  Sometimes no reaction is best, since I have no control.

Monday, October 24, 2011

OD to Kicked Out to Felony To Rehab To Shelter To HELP

The Month of October has been crazy.  The range of emotions were wild.  I will just give a quick timeline to catch you up.

Last weekend in Sept I had my Mom here for her sorority reunion and OSU football game.  I also had my son in town for the high school Homecoming.  Let me set the scene, OSU is big 10.  Beautiful weekend.  Many alumni in town for the game.  It's huge and most people have to take a shuttle to get close to campus to walk to the stadium.  We get a call from some random girl that she has my daughter and something is wrong,  I asked where she was.  She was right outside the McDonald's in front the of the stadium and there is 15 minutes left in the game.  I talk to Emily and I have never experienced any conversation like that in my life.  I asked to speak to the random girl again and said find a policeman and have them take her somewhere.  Well that freaked her out.  So my husband got on the phone and spoke with both of them and he concluded she was experiencing some kind of psychotic episode from bath salts.  He said there is not way we could get her with the traffic and timing of the game and their location.  So best to find a policeman.  The girl texted us back and said when she went to find a policeman, Emily bolted. 

Needless to say, we were worried.  But, life goes on, I had to fake it til I made it.  Get my son ready for Homecoming, welcome my Mom and her friend home after the game.  We did not hear anything else all night.

Sunday at 6:30 am Emily called from the hospital.  Wanting a ride home to Ben's house where she is staying.  We said no, we would give her a ride to free help.  We asked her to read the papers to us.  It said: Bath Salt over dose and extreme depression.  Later we found out  her heart stopped and they had use an ultra sound to find her veins.  UGH.

Later that week, I spend a day with her, looking back I can say she was on bath salts.  I was exhausted from being with her.. her words were crazy and made no sense.  We did get her an ID, god forbid she died and was a Jane Doe.  We went to see a counselor, whom she dismissed afterwards. 

Oct 13th, She was kicked out of Ben's house at 10pm.  I guess the guys from KY showed up on their door step and brought trouble and the parents didn't like that.  HUMMM, I could have told them that and I did ask over and over that they kick her out.  I happened to be out with my friend, who drove us to get her and the plan was to take her a local hosp.  Got there and they didn't have room for her.  So I said a shelter and my friend refused , so she kept her over night.  I was having company the next day, so I was sure when I could get her, my friend said it didn't matter, they would look for places.

By 4:00 pm on Friday Oct 14th , she had made no arrangements.  So I took her to the local free place for mental health.  Netcare.  It's basically a 24 hour place for assessments.  Emily stayed Friday night, Sat night, Sunday night and Monday night.  That's basically unheard of... but she managed.  After finding out there is not bed at the local free rehab, she decided long term help in NC.  It's all we can afford, because it's free. 

Meanwhile on Friday, my husband is calling me, our bank account was screwed up.  Here she stole a check from me. Wrote it out to Ben and he cashed it Oct 1, 2011 way out East somewhere for 175.00.  Yes, we pressed charges.

The NC place said she had to do 5 days in a rehab here for detox and we had to have the paperwork it was completed.  While there, she met people that had done the NC place and heard all these horrible things and decided not to do it, instead go to a homeless shelter.  We had paid 500.00 to the rehab on the assumption she was going to NC.  So we played hardball.  This was it, we paid this money for NC.  Everyone worked hard to get all that was needed for NC.  TB test, HIV test, criminal background check I paid for, the necessary things on "the list".  She has spent all the money I took her, $7.00 so she could not call us.  The rehab would not let her use the phone so we could "convince " her. 

Sunday my husband was suppose to pick her up at 9am.  He said he would try to convince her to go to NC.  She called at 8 am and said to come get her at 4:30pm as the shelters did not open until 5pm.  I said, well she sealed her fate.  I could not get to NC in time for a 9am check in , in NC then.  She called back at 11am and asked to get her at noon, she was getting scared about a shelter.  Finally at 2pm, she decided NC and I had a 9 hour drive.  Luckily I had some things packed, I rushed and got the rest done and we hit the road.

She was still on the fence on the road.. I wasn't much help, I am not an addict, I am tired, I am driving on roads I have no clue where I am.  So she spoke to a friend of mine, a young girl, who is 30 and 8 months clean... thank god for her!  She calmed Emily down, saying of course you are scared, us addicts want what we want right away.  We want to be right, we don't wanna feel ..we don't wanna hear what we dont' wanna hear..

There was some more drama, but bottom line at 9:05 last Monday I dropped her off at a 2 year free program in the mountains of NC.  She had 9 days clean by then and I did get to see she can recover if she chooses.. .where the week before I was unsure her brain could ever recover. 

I did not drop her off for the right reasons.  I did say, we expect you to graduate this program, but I don't have the feeling that will happen.  But when you are in the heat of the moment, you will take whatever you can get and we did that.  So please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.  I hope her life can be saved and I hope she sees that, as it's out of our hands.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

And the Outcome

Since Sunday, there has not been 1 word from her.  No call for a ride to the library, or to use our phone, etc.

Am I surprised?  NO

Am I upset?  NO

I am  not even disappointed.  Because for once, I am not letting her get to me.  I have no expectations for her, therefore I can not disappointed.  I am even past being sad for her.

I am headed to see my son early tomorrow, take him to lunch, take him some goodies and spend some quality time hearing all about his new college life!

There is Always a Motive

( This was copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Warning this may be long.. but I would love feed back. I don't want this to seem like I'm happy or excited or even see light at the end of the tunnel, because I am not that way. I am basically nothing, numb. I honestly have no feelings one way or another. I am fine with that, b/c if you remember when I described feeling burned.. I am not ready to be fried again.. because that's the point I am at. If I let myself believe her, I will be toast..I know that.

She claims, and I have heard similar before, she is done... she knows God has a plan for her, b/c she is alive and because all her blood tests were ok..and after all she has been thru she should not be alive or healthy. She said I give up. I surrender. I am done. I have no money to get anything, I have not friends to contact to help me or get me anything. She lives in a basement luckily it's a "mansion". Watches HBO and Showtime all day... bored silly. Has had time to think. She wants help.

We had decided that, she had to get herself into a program. She needed to complete that program in full and it had to be 90 days or longer..and then we will talk. She actually said, 90 days is not enough. So after a bunch of her yacking... we said bottom line what do you want from us? Why are you here?

She said she got a job? She would like a ride if it's raining. She would like to use a phone to call rehabs and programs. She would like a ride to the library to use the computer to find a program. Maybe a meal once in awhile. She mentioned several times how she had no clothes, no shoes. I came back with, sorry, I have bought you enough over and over again. Save your money from your job. She said she knew and wasn't saying it b/c she wanted to buy more.. but that helped bring her to the realization that she has nothing. But, she is now willing to do the work for something.

She kept bringing up school, college. Finally my husband said.. that's not a possibility now, you have to do the hard work first, before you can consider school. So he is picking her up and taking her to the library for an hour or 2 today. I did not volunteer to do anything. He jumped , so I let him. I am not ready to get near that stove again any time soon.

That's probably selfish... but to be honest here, I have been feeling "off".. I went to the dr last week and Friday I got the news I am hypo-thyroid now. Started the meds, but it might take awhile to tweak it. Again, I am reminded that, my health is first.. funny how the timing of it all worked out.

She talked about how she never had gratitude before. She is learning it now. I am not sure if you can learn it or if it's just "there". B/c I have always said, I have learned you can't instill common sense, gratitude, etc as a mother. She admitted she was a pathological lier. She admitted she steals but knows its wrong. She would like psychological help, EMDR or whatever our insurance would cover. IOP is ok, but she would rather do long term inpatient. We said we would be happy to give resources and the use of our phone, but not do the work.

So we shall see.. it can go either way for her.. but, I know the way it has to go for me.. and that's to keep going, keep doing what I am doing, one foot in front of the other and keep busy.

Humm , She made contact.

( This is copy and pasted from my thread on ODR)

I wanted to take a minute and give you all an update..quickly. Emily is here... not for the night or anything. She asked for a meeting.. had a list w/ bullet points she asked if she could over with us. We did not want to do it somewhere in public.. we had no idea how she would look, she has no filter, sometimes loud. So we picked her up, brought her here.. At one point, we asked her to stop talking, she can wear us out in a short period.. and we don't want to know all this crap.. or at least I don't. I said , call somebody else.. tell them. I can't take it. She said who? I have burnt all my bridges, I am here b/c I am telling you I have nobody else. Then my husband said start going to meetings and get a woman sponser.

Then I remembered our dear friend Kristen. I text Kristen and she was available and they are on the phone now.. and have been for awhile. Kudos to Kristen.

I had these carpet cleaners here Friday AM. He saw pictures in my house... asked about the kids. I was honest. He asked if it was alright if he prayed for Emily.. I pictured all of you.. all the people we know and don't know..praying for her. I said, please do, I have given that up... I now rely on others to do it for me. Emily called last night. I won't get into the details now.. it's long and I , of course, have my opinions. Incidently, the carpet cleaner was on Oprah. I had booked marked her show when he and his wife were on with their 6 babies. He said, he got so much hate mail. We talked about how the world can be cruel.. and bottom line.. if you have your faith or spiritality, believe in yourself and have good intentions.. you will be ok. So who knew having carpet cleaners would be healing for me?

I will write more later when I am less tired and have some sort of idea if anything has been taken from our home and I was fed a line of BS and manipulation.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Actions Speak Louder than Words

It's All About The Actions.  And the Actions prove she is still not ready.

I, for some reason, watched Dr. Drew last night. He had Nicolas Cage's ex wife on. They have a son who is in a heavy metal band and an alcoholic. He stressed..many times, You Can Not Save Your Son. Only he and God can. You can not love them enough. You have got to remove yourself from their problems, or you get sucked in, you become part of the problem, not the solution. You can not love them to death. He kept saying, I need you to hear me on this, it's very serious.

I felt for a minute he was speaking to me.

Having said that, if she asked to see a doctor, a psychologist, go to the dentist, anything like that, we'd be there in a heartbeat. But, I am not begging her. I feel lucky the hosp did run testing on her... said surprisingly, she was the lucky one, even her liver enzymes are A-ok. Gives me some peace for a while.

When you say, tough love and rehab has not worked, I get that. I would love nothing more than to have my daughter back. Feed her, water her, watch her grow... but, to be honest, I doubt she would even do that. As my husband explained to me, she was thankful, thankful for the ride. She was not remorseful or humble. She never asked about me..nothing.. Not how is Mom doing? I will tell you Andy spoke with her on the phone. He grab the phone, he was YELLING.. you have ruined my life since the 5th grade. You have taken our family away.. She hung up on him.

She has totally blocked my husband from facebook. He can not even run a search on her. That was their 1 way of communication. I consider than an action. Not a good one. He emailed her. Nothing. He was nothing but a resource to get her here, just as I was a resource to get her there. I have no desire to track her down and go knocking on some parents home and beg, insist, fight to get her back..when she doesn't want back. She is a wise street person now. I honestly in my deep heart, soul feel, if I let her back, I would be the one in a mental hosp. I don't know this life. I don't want to know..I dont' even like what I do know. I feel I have been lead into a world I prefer not know about.. and not by choice.

She is smart. I believe she knew it was the weekend and there was nowhere for her to go. We been thru this before. So she said she would wait til Monday. Meanwhile she would call my husband on Sunday. That never happened. Monday is here and she has no plans to go get help. If she got into a rehab, the medical part would take care of any problems and they do a psych evaluation and would work with that too.. but she has no desire. She also knows what she was doing,is very new and nobody knows what to do. My husband even offered as a case study and nobody would take her.

He said she kept bringing everything back to money. He said she would say so and so did this to me. He would say, why do you think that is? She would say..the money.., He would say no, because they are on drugs. People that are not on drugs don't do those kinds of things. That's one example. He asked her why she thought she was in this situation, she said because of the money. He said no, because you are an addict. So in that way, she is not smart.. she doesn't get that.

I also know from the past. She calls him, when she isn't serious or knows my boundaries will be tougher. IF I had picked her up, I would have gone thru her things. I would not have let her in my car with drugs. I also would not have let her in my car without taking her phone, getting her email and password. Period. Take it or leave it. My guess is she would have left it. She'd find a bus ride back. We believe she wants to set up business here.

We Turn Into A Resource and She is Gone Again

Thank you for your prayers, comments and support.

I don't really know where to begin. Who and what she was involved in could be a book or movie. These are not exatly bath salts... more or less called "designer" drugs. And Rain, similar to meth. There are 'chemists". What they do is mix things that are legal or banned.. because banned does not mean illegal. Emily got paid ( alot) to try them out. She was video taped and recorded before they went for distribution. But it's basically like a "ring" or pyrmid.. she knew a lot. She could not just leave with all she knew. You dont just walk away. Several people she knew that tried to branch out on their own have gone missing or in jail for a long time. She claims since July 4th she does not remember anything... nothing. This stuff can be snorted, smoked or injected. She snorted it. My husband said all her track marks were gone. She never did say, what made her get out how she did. Or how she got a clear enough brain to know her days were limited.

My husband and she went to several places yesterday, intake , assessment, etc. Either they don't do assessments on the weekend or they say they do not treat this kind drug when she told them what she was addicted to. It was a series of letters or abbreviations, my husband could not remember them. There is no physical w/d. The ER or mental hosps dont treat it. It's too new.. but the effects are all psychological. Unless she is a threat to herself or others..nothing they will do.

I reminded him what he always says: That girl needs deep psychological help. Well now she went and messed with that. Not sure all that can be healed or recovered from.. form what we are reading , a lot of it can be permanent

He said she was extremely edgy, jumpy, he said ADD to the max. Delusional in the fact, she thinks she and the "real love of her life" will be together forever once he gets out of jail. Delusion that she is above and better than working a min. wage job. Her mind jumped form one thing to another. He finally told her to shut up.. be quiet for awhile, he couldn't take her pipe dreams and non sense any more. She ate a lot. They stopped for lunch, she ate a ton, she had him stop at gas stations to get more food. She had lost about 20 lbs. She kept saying she could not think. Her brain stopped working.. that's what she complained about. She could not put a thought together , let a lone a sentence.. it was more in mind he said, b/c she really didn't shut up. Babbling like.

He asked her if she had the urge to use again. She said she did only so she could think clearly again, not in the fact she wants to feel what it does to her. She said she has done so much and really hates the effects. She was ready to go get help yesterday.. anywhere.. unfortunately there was no where to put her yesterday. And we all know today is a new day.

So the question became where to take her. She can't come here. I was trying to think of someone with a cabin, I mentioned a far away state park, a hotel room. My husband said he was not spending one more red cent on her. He wanted away from her. He was NOT in a good mood. So she went to friends parents house. These are enabling parents.. they give alcohol to minors and have a cabinets full of pills.. extremely wealthy. So that's where she is now.

I drew my line and that was she hands her phone over to my husband, she gives me her email and password to take her f/b down. She did not do that. She is posting her location on it. She is stupid to do that and it tells me she is not willing to do anything to get help for herself. She wants those contacts close at hand, just incase. So I am out of it. I just told my husband I will not take 1 penny from our budget to help her. He feels she is an adult and if she chooses to post where she is and contact people to get drugs, then so be it. There is nothing we can do. I disagree, I know her, I have talked to her about, and I know if she is serious, she will do anything and that includes getting rid of her contacts, her sick photos and comments. And she is not doing it.

At this point, we have not heard from her. My husband is not sure he could find the house again..he was rattled when he dropped her off. So again we are at a 50/50 chance if she will ready to make the calls tomorrow. Many of the people willing to help us, have dropped off. I am sure they are sick of it too. Places and people are not returning his calls. I am not doing any of the work.. because I do not believe she is serious at this point.. and I believe she should be making the calls, not my husband.

It was a gorgeous day yesterday.. I only made it as far as the porch. I had no energy to do anything.. so today I woke up and said to myself.. I am going for my walk.. taking the dog to the dog park.. I am going to "live", I am not going to sink into some isolation again, I won't let that happen. I can't give her that control..while she is out living the high life.

So that's where we stand. Ugly basically.

Bath Salts turned into "Designer" Chemicals

I thought I would update you all. You know that gut feeling I get.. I got it strong yesterday (Friday). I made some calls.. I can't really say to who or what or where... . But I did wake up yesterday and text my husband and say, she lost it, when you have time get a message to her via f/b. When he finally could do that, she responded she was checking herself into the psych ward as she typed.

Finally she called. She was in the hosp. They ran blood tests and told us, she is extremely lucky, everything looks ok.. they were only waiting on the liver results. She had been throwing up blood. They had 5 cases of bath salt users yesterday and she was the only "lucky" one.

First her phone only has a browser.. she can not call or text. I never heard of that.. but that's the case. 2nd. I can tell you, I did not speak to her, but I heard her, I wanted to throw up. There was a bucket of weeds on the deck and I almost had to use it... I have never heard anything like it before. Delusion, mentally gone, so far off reality. I know I felt that way this winter.. there was no logic or a disconnect... but this was much worst. I really almost felt like I would much rather be dealing with heroin. At least I know what to expect with that. This stuff is the nastiest I have ever seen. The research I have done is not good. Seems the damage can be very permanent.

First I said, we need to know what the withdrawls are. So that would let us know where to put her. A hosp, a mental ward, a rehab? She said there aren't really any physical withdrawls... it's more mental. I confirmed that. Long story short.. I was trying to do ANYTHING I could b/c she was headed back to the town where my son is going next week to start college. Where she claims she is safe and protected.

She was assigned a social worker. When we finally got a hold of her, she told us, due to the fact Emily has no ID, they could not keep in her the hosp. She told us, she is such a sweet sweet girl and she seems to really want to stop this lifestyle that they were taking her to a hotel for the night. They would pay for the transportation and the room. We would have to get her by 11:30 am today. She could not make outgoing calls, but we could call in. However, she was very tired and she would probably just fall fast asleep.

So we knew there was a 50/50 chance she would be there is morning. But for the 50 that she is there, we need a plan. Of course it's Friday night, nothing is open. All we know, is she can't come home. Then we started fighting over who would go get her. I told my husband, I am afraid for several reasons. I don't think I could handle seeing her in this condition.. my baby. And, her lack of logic, respect, I might push her out of the car on the highway. My husband said he was afraid of the same thing. But he went. He began calling the room at 10 am, no answer. The hotel said she didn't check out, but it doesn't mean she just left. Finally she answered about 10:45. The hotel agreed to a late check out, knowing my husband is on his way.

Now we have no idea what to do with her. All we know is she can not come home.

Part of me believes something I have been told, that she has made some very dangerous people mad.. and they are looking for her to hurt or kill her and we are being used as a resource by her to get her out of there. I don't believe she wants to go to rehab. I can't say how I know somethings I know, but, I can say, she is a lier and manipulator first and foremost. And, she is so mentally gone who really knows.

My husband told her, if she was gonna take off, like last time when he drove 5 hours to get her, just tell him now. She was like what? He said don't you remember I wired money for a motel to that older guy helping you. He got you a room and I was suppose to come get you in the morning? He told her he went there, she was gone, he spent hours looking for her there. She said OMG, you mean I had a chance not to go thru all this? I had a chance at help? She kept saying OMG OMG none of this had to happen. She claims she was sorta taken by these guys that are "chemists" and they experimented on her and she has no memory. She said she has no endorphins left. Freaky Freaky stuff to me. I have no idea what is true or not, real or not. Paranoia and psychosis is huge with bath salts.

So at this point she is in the car with my husband.. to where I have no clue (That was Saturday, I copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Who knew?  Now it's bathsalts!  What makes a person decide to add another addiction to the long list.

My husband asked me to ask anyone I knew on Facebook that was friends with Emily to get a message to her.  The message was: Don't ever forget you have choices.  I will help you get help.

I said no.  This is not anyone else's responsibility.  And, no, I would not do it myself, she blocked me.  I threw his words to me back at him.  If she can post pictures, opinions, statements, she can certainly contact us.

He did what he said he would NEVER do, created a facebook page.  He sent her the message. 

She responded right away.  Dad, I am so glad you contacted me!  I am in trouble.  I am suppose to go missing.  This thing is bigger than me, people are after me for what I know.  I dont' know what to do.  Please help me.  Dad, I am so sorry. I love you.

He stuck to his bottom line.. I will help you get help.  I don't even know where you are.  I don't understand what the trouble is.

She came back with telling him where she was.  She is no longer addicted to opiates, but bathsalts.  The state she is  a commonwealth state and it makes it so much worst.  She asked for a bus ticket home immediately.  ( That was Tuesday)

He replied, stuck to the original reason for contact.  She does have a choice to accept help.  He would not send a bus ticket she could cash in.  She can't come "home" and commonwealth is just another way to govern.  If she is that scared, get to a shelter, go to the police.  Pick a time and place and he will pick her up and get her treatment.

She wrote back.  Commonwealth is much bigger than the police and there are crooked police and commonwealth people involved.  Please help.

He spelled it out again.  ( Wednesday) and since then there has been no communication.

He is able to separate things.  Not me.  He opened a can of worms and I had to run with it.  I found out as of July 20th the federal felon she hooked back up with was in maxium custody for a whole list of things.  With no release date.  That leaves me to wonder who she is running around with.  Obviously a lot brighter than him, because he keeps getting caught.  I have people ready to help.  Unfortunately, they need an address or phone number and she is not forth coming on that.  I learned she slept and lived in the park for a long time. 

I learned about bath salts.  25.00 to 35.00 a gram.  You can snort it, smoke it or inject.  Indiana just had 3 deaths due to bath salt overdoses.  It's not something to mess with.

So all this has brought be me back to square one.  I am pissed off, mad, disgusted.  I am back to believing there is a choice.  You choose to try something different and more dangerous.  Why not just stick with heroin? HA some choice.  How is picking up a habit like this a disease?  Vs a choice?  I am back to having a constant pit in my stomach.  I am back to worry night and day.  I am back to thinking her communication makes no sense, because these bath salts cause paranoia, depression, anxiety, all of which she has without drugs, so it's heightened.  That's why she thinks the commonwealth is after her or they are crooked.  I am back knowing she can't come home. I will never hear her gut belly laughter.  I will never see that spark in her eyes.  Those memories are fading and I am left with looking at gray skin, hollow cheeks, dull eye and a skeleton.  I am back to thinking.. THIS IS NOT FAIR!  I am back to thinking Prayer does not work.  So many people are praying for her for us.  I am back to saying I can't let go , Let God.  Because THIS IS NOT FAIR! 

Monday, August 8, 2011

Ohio University Voted # 1 Party School

Ohio University, not to be confused with The Ohio State University, was voted # 1 party school, according to the Princeton Review, after surveying 122,000 students across the country.

Guess where my son is going as a freshman in the Fall??  Yep, you are right OU.

Should I give you my history of OU?  In the 80's I went there for the Halloween Parties.  They were famous!  They were fun!  So fun, I went a few years in a row.  We went without having a place to stay.  I don't remember where I stayed.  I don't remember much, maybe because it's been 30 years or maybe because of the frat house parties with free keg beer. 

My son went to "camp" there last summer.  He took a class for a week, lived in the dorm and worked hard because we paid extra for it to count towards college credit.  He met kids from all over the country.  Loved it and got a 3.75.  He had an idea of what he wanted major in, business and sports.  Low and behold OU is the number 1 in country for this major.  Along with communications, their claim to fame is that Matt Laurer graduated from there.  From then on, his goal was to go to OU and major in Sports Business.  And he achieved his goal.

I had my reservations, knowing it ranked pretty high on the party school list.  I dragged him to other colleges visits. I pointed out all the positives in the other schools.  I am sensitive to things like this, I feel I have reason to be, with all we have been thru.  He asked me to go on  a visit to OU and try and keep an open mind.  I did that, for him.  I was pleasantly surprised!  I loved it there!  I was amazed at all the help he can get.  How efficient they are in in every area.  Organized, set up to success! 

I accepted his choice.  In reality, he would not do well if I MADE him go somewhere else. I started defending it to others.  Saying, college is what you make of it.  Most colleges can be party schools if you want it to be.  I went to OSU and looking back, I wish I never went there, it was too big and a 24/7 party. 

I read how the Princeton Review rated this ranking.  It is based on where it is located.  There is really nothing in Athens, Ohio.  Even the Walmart is fairly new.  But there are bars.. a whole street of them.  It's based on festivals.  OU has 2 big festivals.  They neglected to say, most of the trouble and arrests from outsiders, not the students.  And it is probably in one of the poorer economic counties in our state. 

Like I said, I am sensitive about this issue.  I can talk til I am blue in the face to my son about it.  I forget he has lived it too.  I can't fight genetics, I know this.  I also know I won't cause it, control it nor can I cure it, if he chooses to dive into in the party scene.  I know being an 18 year old boy, will have it ups and downs and life lesson and consequences.  I will have to step back and watch from the sidelines as he stumbles and picks himself up again.  I do not expect perfection from him. 

But, I can say, I have all the trust in this place.  There is so much help!  There is many positives.  In his college, 120 kids were hand picked to go thru this program.  They will help him.  They picked him for some reason.  I just wish it was just not recently chosen as the #1 party school and they don't give the stats on how the schools were rated.  So I find myself defending the #1 party school, which sorta haunts me in a way.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

When Did Not Having a Choice of Toothpaste flavor at the Dentist Stop?

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.  One of those dreaded places for me.  For several reasons.  I HATE the dentist.  Something from past I am sure.  We didn't have the best dentists growing up.  And, it's one of those places I don't frequent, so when I go, they always ask about Emily. 

I have to be scheduled for a longer cleaning than the normal.  Adds to my anxiety.  I get the GAS to calm down.  I am usually there for an hour and half or two hours.  So for me, there are few fun parts of going to the dentist.  Even the "free" bag of a too soft toothbrush, small dental floss and travel size toothpaste isn't what I consider a fun part.  To me, the fun part is picking my flavor of tooth polish or paste.  There are so many choices now.  Yesterday, I was not given a choice.  She just used some peppermint thing.  Does that mean I am hitting that age?  Does that mean I have bad breath?  In my head I am wondering, how come I wasn't given a choice.  I should ask!  No, don't ask, you don't really want to know the answers.  Did they take a survey and found most adults ask for peppermint not bubble gum, so now they just give the adults peppermint?  Darn it.. I THINK I want to know why I wasn't given a choice.

Guess where that brought my thinking next.  Addiction.  Yep, go figure, I could relate addiction with not getting a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist.  Only me.  I think when you have child that is an addict and you haven't heard from them... you don't have many choices.  Your choices have been taken way.  You have to wake up.  You have to put one foot in front of the other.  You have to eat, try to sleep, try to smile, try to be social, try to the best for the rest of the family that's around.  Try to act like life must go on.

But the "fun" choices, like picking a toothpaste flavor is taken away.  You don't get to choose to buy her some new cute clothes, you don't get to say, let's do lunch together.  You don't get go see a movie, a play together.  You don't get to say, come over, I made your favorite dinner.  You don't get to complain about the music choices.  You don't get the choice to say "Hey I got the new OPI color, wanna do your toes?"  You don't get to ask about her friends and their families.  You don't get to giggle.  You don't get to people watch together. 

Who knew, not being give a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist would bring all that up??  The only "fun" part of going to the dentist was taken away... and I don't know why.  The fun choices I could have with my daughter have been taken way.. and in reality I don't know why. 

Thursday, July 14, 2011

No News is Good News, Well Not Always

I haven't really kept up with this blog.  I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again. 

At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks.  What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks.  Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past.  It tells me, I just might be detaching completely.  Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need??  I don't know. 

She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either.  What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time.  I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update.  She has not been on there in a few weeks. 

People ask me if I have called the police.  Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in.  The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past. 

I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive.  I thought we had that pact together.  She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking.  I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.

My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation.  I was giving my "mom talk".  He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born.  I couldn't stop having manners if I tried!  I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have.  He said, what about Emily??  I said, ok you are the only son we have.  He said what about Dad's first son.  I said ok, you are the only one that counts.  Did I inflate his ego?  Did I speak the truth?  Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left?  Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact?  I think I would.  It's probably just more heightened now. 

So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days.  All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening.  Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.

Monday, June 20, 2011

What Goes Up Must Come Down

What goes up, must come down was the end of my last blog and it's true, especially with addiction in a family.  

The glory details:  I had offered to go visit her the weekend before last.  On a Saturday.  She never really texted me back.  I tried to reach her, nothing.  Finally on that Sunday, she texted she was in a meeting and very busy and would call me later.  She never did.   Monday another text comes from a different number.  Says someone broke her phone in half. 

Wednesday my husband is out of town and gets a call from her that she is being kicked out.  He kept texting and calling me.  I did not offer to do anything.  I support getting help or recovery, I do not support when she gets kicked out.  I suggested he tell her to find a policeman to take her to a shelter or Salvation Army.  He preferred to try to get her a hotel room until the next morning when he could get her.  She walked to a hotel, only to find out they do not give out rooms without an id, so they would not take my husband's cc over the phone or give her a room.  He is frantic, I am calm, saying, I did not get kicked out, I did not break her phone and I did not loose her id.  Shelter or S. Army. 

Then some older guy, Dave, called my husband, said he felt bad for her and he knew a place that would take cash for a room and he would use his id if my husband would Western Union the money to some carry out.  This Dave did offer to take her to the Salvation Army, but she said her Dad was willing to pay for a room.  Dave took her for a meal while they waited for the money.  When he went in to get the money, he let her use his phone.  She called my husband and made a few "other" calls. 

He signed for the room and he said at 9pm she walked in room 109.  Saying she was very tired.  But, she did know some other girl in the motel.  He told my husband he lived in this town his whole life, he knows everybody and every place.  The place she had been does not kick people out, unless they really mess up.  He said was happy to help, doing God's work and he had a daughter that went thru something similar. 

My husband gets up early to drive and get her.  5 hour drive for him, missed meetings, and vacation day gone.  Meanwhile, Dave calls him and tells him some guy called his phone all night every 3 minutes.  He told the guy on the phone, he did not know her, doesn't know where she is and to quit calling.  The guy on the other end said, then I am gonna blow up your phone all night and he did exactly that. 

My husband gets to the motel.  She isn't there.  Lady said she checked out at 10 am.  He spends 2 more hours looking for her.  I tell him to come home, what else can you do??

He told me when he did talk to Emily, he told her he wanted honesty if she wanted his help.  Emily said she was kicked out because she missed some groups and didn't do her chores.  A little more digging she said they said I wasn't here last weekend and I was!  Click Click, my brain goes off.  I said I offered to go visit her that Saturday and didn't reach her until late Sunday night. I found it weird, because she knew I would have given her more minutes and took her shopping. 

My husband did not come mad.  ( unlike I would have been)  He came home worried and stressed.  Says she has no id, no phone, no money and could be a Jane Doe in another state and nobody would know.  To ease that blow, I reminded him, she has been finger printed.  Thank god for charges! Ha. 

I knew nothing was what she was telling him.  A big red flag is she all of sudden contacted him, not me.  I believe she knows she can't pull anything over on me anymore, but she still thinks she pull at her Dad's heartstirngs, and in away she did.  He went running after her, paid for the motel, etc. 

We have not heard from her at all.  Not even on Father's Day.  It was heavy here yesterday.  My son running around trying to make my husband happy.  It was so obvious.  I didn't want to say anything, because that would have brought her name front and present and we were all avoiding that.  We are all still "reacting" to the addict.  It's unhealthy.  It's not fair or right. 

We have however, decided, none of us will take her calls anymore or texts.  Many will disagree with this, and I understand.  I can say, I have supported recovery or help, I have offered rides and support for that.  So I have a clear conscious.  No more.  She is an adult.  She can figure it out, that's what adults do.  This family will never be the same and not for the better.  So all we can do is move on and create good memories with what is left of us.  I do not want 1 more "holiday" with a heavy feeling around.  Life is too short. 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Almost There

She looks bad, not as bad as the last time I saw her thou.  I can tell she is not in withdrawals or using.  I double check her purse.  I sleep with my wallet, cell phone and keys, just in case.  She tells me she will never be able to sleep, she goes to bed about 9 am, sleeps all day.  I say tough, I need the lights out, I have a long drive tomorrow and back home.  Next thing I know, she is snoring softly, like she did as a little girl.  I am the one staring that ceiling.  Go figure.  I wake her up the next morning and she is actually in a good mood.  Amazing what food, a clean bed and good night sleep does for somebody.  We start out on our journey.

Now we are about 20 minutes out of "Smithville".  We pull over to get a bite to eat and she is getting the exact street and address from her contact.  She says Mom, I got it wrong. 

OHHHH I should have known!  It's 3pm, I have a 5 hour drive home.  I can't bring her with me.  We have Muirfield Golf tourney with clients, in fact I am missing Thursday festivities to do this.  So calmly, I say what did you get wrong?  She said the city.  It's "Smithland" not "Smithville".  I am like where is that???  She said I don't know.  So I get a map.  Well, we came from the Northeast corner of the state to the Southwest corner and "Smithland" is back at Northeast corner! 

She said forget it, get me a greyhound ticket for there or the 2 year program in NC.  I honestly thought about it.  I was speechless.  I still sorta am, after 240.00 in gas money. 

I turn the car around, and head back.  Now her contact is not texting her, we don't know the street or address.  I called the police dept non emergency number and they are closed.  I ready to just leave her there.  I know I can't bring her home.

She called the place itself.  I heard them say, they have no beds.  She was getting into the abuse and I got out of the car.. I did not want to be part of this, I am tried, I have driven on little sleep and it's like 6 pm and she still isn't anywhere.  URGGGG.

I saw her put the phone down and I got back in the car, she said I am in, it's just up the road.  I said how did you get in?  I heard them say there was not bed.  She said I told them, I went to Smithville first and they felt bad.  I said, thank god somebody feels bad!  ( for me, us)

She said, Mom, I really want this.  Thank you so much.  I love you.  I drop her off.  I don't linger, I don't want them thinking she has all this support or somebody to pay or anything like that.  But, I get a feeling.  It's set in the woods.  All the buildings match the environment.  There is a medical building, psychological building, main office and nice housing.  We both said at the same time, looks like camp.  I said I am sure you won't be singing Kumbya around the camp fire thou.  Hugged her, said I love her and left. 

I go 10 miles and I see the hotel we spend the night in the night before!  OMG.. I got mad all over again!  But, I kept it together, turned up the stereo, let myself breath, sing, be happy she was safe, no matter what it took to get her there.

She texted me shortly after, saying she loves it there.  They are gonna help her with everything.  She is amazed I am so strong as a Mom and is very grateful and thankful and she means that.  And she actually had fun being with me today.  And she loves me more than I will ever know.

I have gotten similar texts daily now.

So for the last 3 days, I know she has been safe.  I am not overly happy or over joyed, this disease is horrific.  Tomorrow she could leave and relapse.  I know this.  But, this time, she found the place, made her plan, only asked for what I was willing to supply, a ride or transportation.  For now, I can breath, even smile every once in awhile.  The rollercoaster is on cruise, but I know what goes up, has to come down. 

Next Contact

A week later, I get texts and calls, she wants help.  Only problem is, these are at 5:30pm, 10:30pm, 12:30 am.  She reminds me of my offer to help.  I explain there is nothing I can do at these hours.  I had a PLAN a week ago.  It involved several people very willing to help, knowing I was super busy.  She never showed or committed.  I explained, I am busy, but I will make myself available for a few hours during the day to take her somewhere.  Where?  She wants to know.  Wherever you contacted, I tell her.  Since she did not call her doctor, a therapist that was standing by to help her, a friend willing to be her sober companion during a detox. 

At this point Andy's graduation is in a few day.  I am praying she does not pull something.  This is his time.  I am working on and planning being 100% present for him. 

It's the end of his party.  I am having a drink at the club with 2 of my college friends, relaxing for once and my phone rings.. 12:30 AM.  It's her.  I should not have, but I did answer.  She is crying hysterically.  I just said, Emily, F U, I told you not call late at night.  I just hosted your whole family for Andy's grad party and I will not let you ruin it.  She said she has to get away from Joey, she wants to detox.  I said, that's great, call in the morning and we will help you.  She asked if I was really going to make her sleep on a bench in the rain that night.  Yes, I am .  My day is done, and I am not getting into drama and crisis's anymore. 

She didn't call the next morning or afternoon.  Go figure.

I get a few texts, saying she is detoxing herself.  She is in another city, farther away.  The city where the college Andy is going to.  This makes me mad!  She saying she loves it there, wants to stay.  Makes me madder.  This is his future, how dare she end up there! 

She tells me, her detox is going ok, over the worst of it, has a plan, has people helping her, but she will need to take me up on her offer of a ride.  I tell her ok, but give me details.  She said she really can't because of confidentiality, it is a battered womens center, in another state.  I told her I support that, but I am not going on a wild goose chase.  She says she understands, but she has to "sneak" away and it may be last minute and she will give me the of the city, in the other state.

So she does provide me with the information.  It looks perfect.  Her plan is to do the battered women's program then they will transfer to the dual dx , addiction center for women, then she will wants to do the long term one, 2 years in NC.  So she gives me the name of the city to mapquest.  It's about 4.5 hours away.  Let's call it "Smithville". 

The next night, she calls and says can we go now??  It's 9pm this past Wed.  It will take me 2 hours to get to her.  But, something in her voice, told me to do it.  She has been crying wolf for 3 weeks, and I am not convinced easily.  Crying wolf is very painful to a parent of an addict.  You want it so bad!  Then they back away.  But, something said go.  I went.

The plan become more elaborate as I was driving.  I told her to get to a public place, stay there til I get there.  She went to a mexican place, where my step brother is part owner, but she does not know that and I have only met him like 5 times in my life.  Happens, my nephew is there.  So my brother is calling me, saying Emily is freaking out, with his son.  My nephew takes her to his frat house, feeds her, keeps her til I come.  I get them, then she has us drive her to some street where she threw her bag, because as she was leaving Joey was coming home and she would never get away if he saw she was leaving.  We get her bag.  Take my nephew back and she and I leave.  I drove for another 45 minutes and got a hotel room.


I Can Say, She is Safe Today, Was Yesterday, The Day Before

I have not written much about the situation on this blog lately.  I have on ODR, but, even that wore me out.  I will try to give you a little background.

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I got a call from some guy that he had found my daughters phone in a park.  Would I come get it?  So I went.  I saw where it found and I thought, something is up.  She could have been taken, beaten, etc.  I asked why he didn't call the police.  He said, you don't call the police in this neighborhood.  I put out the word I had her phone.  I didn't hear anything.  So I filed a missing person's report.  Let's just say, that was most unpleasant.  My husband ended up escorting the policewoman of our city out the door.  Telling her, we would find other means to get this job done. 

Couple of days later, she contacted me.  We made plans to meet after the weekend, on a Monday.  I was getting into my busiest 2 weeks of the year.  So Monday crept up on me, and I had NO PLAN.  I do not like having NO PLAN.  I just asked for guidance as I drove down to the city to meet her.  She got in the car and honestly, I was going to hand her the phone and leave.  But, she looked so bad.  The worst I have even seen and so bad, I did not want to look at her.  I offered lunch.  Still no real plan... but I did know, I could not push or I would lose her. 

I took her to lunch.  She started crying, saying she didn't want to be like this, she can't help it.  She is in a deep hole, her body is breaking down, her hair is falling out, her brain is not working.  I asked if she was ready for help.  She said .. almost, but she is afraid.  Afraid she can not live without her drug. 

So on a whim, I brought her home to use the computer and phone and call some places.  I heard her, she was doing a good job.  She called the long term woman's place in NC and I heard her say, I know it's not a walk in the park, and I need that now.  I am ready to do the hard work.  She printed everything off.  Put in her name for a detox place. 

I told her, you are in a deep hole.  I have a ladder for you.  I will hold it for you, but I will not take the first step for you, you have to start climbing yourself.  She thanked me, said, her brain can't take the first step, she needs help.  I said I will help you, when there is a detox bed open, I will take you.  But, these places do not want to talk to me.  They want to know you are serious.

My son and husband got home and were not happy she was here.  She was getting dope sick and complaining.  So I took back, back to the hell hole I picked her up from. 

On my way home, my husband called.  His ipod and others things were gone.  I texted her, time to do the right thing, she texted, she gets blamed for everything.  I didn't hear from her for another week.

Continued on next post.

Monday, May 30, 2011

New Chapters

My baby graduated on Saturday!  I really don't even know what to say!  We start a new chapter.  There was a day, well many day, many years, I said to anyone who would listen, "everyone should have an Andy!"  I felt and still do feel very blessed I got this boy.  I would say around 16 or 17, I quit saying that.  LOL.  You know teen boys!  But, I still felt blessed, because as you all know, I know it can be worst and it has been worst.  But this kid has it going on.  I can say I am proud.

Andy did not get high honors.  Andy did not get a ton of scholarships.  I don't have bumper stickers that say Honor Student.  But, I got a "normal" kid.  A well adjusted kid.  A happy kid.  A polite kid.  A kid with goals and direction.  I got lucky with him.  I sat in the graduation with tears in my eyes.  Knowing all he lived with for so many years.  Knowing he made it thru with minor bumps in the road, when in reality, there could have been huge boulders in his way.  He did it.  I am proud.

I had his friends and their Mom's send me words to describe Andy.  Then I put the words with stickers on a mat and framed his Senior picture for his table at the party.  I cried!  There were some common words.  Polite.  Friendly.  Nice to everyone.  Always smiling.  Doesn't get much better than that for me.  Those are things that take you far.  Nobody will remember your GPA, but they will remember your manners or smile.  Other words were, best friend, hard worker ( 2 jobs) , reliable, funny, sarogent big brother.  I am proud.

So we soon the new chapter in our lives.  While I cried and still crying about it all ending.  I know I did my best to prepare him to leave the nest.  I know without a doubt there will be more bumps in the road, but I also know without a doubt he will make it.  I am proud.

We had a wonderful party with 7 other families.  The boys from our neighborhood.  It was a night to remember and I am glad he could go out with a bang and a good time.  I never got to do that before and did I tell you, I was and am proud!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Things Aren't Always the Way they should be

I wanted to write a quick blog.. just to catch you up.  All the work I did.. everything.. out the window.  Best laid plans huh?

Emily was released the next day.  I was on the road... to be specific, I was in the mountains, not getting any reception, frantic calls from my husband on what to do.  She claimed she was ready to go to the all women , long term rehab.  But, he had no where to put her during the transition days. 

I learned quickly, I over trained my husband!  Now he couldn't or wouldn't make a decision without me.  Even thou I texted, whatever you decide dear, is fine with me... not exactly saying.. hey I am on vacation with the girls.. I don't need this now.. hoping he would "read between the lines" sorta thing.

Well he let her sit in a holding cell.  She was isolated due to lice and bed bugs. 

I told my husband to call a very helpful person on my ODR board.  He did and had a plan.  He went to get her.

She walked away from him.  Went up to a car, asked to borrow their cell phone and never looked back at her Dad.

Two days later on my girls vacation, I got a text from her old b/f.  It just said: Saw Emily at such n such intersection with a dude begging for money.  I didn't even respond.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Bitter Sweet.  I will try my best not to dwell on the first born, who made a Mother first, but I will try and enjoy and my last born and be present.

Happy Mother's Day to you all. 
Hugs, Kelly

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Words That Sum Up My Week: Feds, Warrants, Crystal, Rings, Safety

I have not been able to post for awhile.  I have been living a stressful life for the past week.  I had one goal in mind.  Can you guess?  Keep my daughter alive, she is worth it.  I wanted this done before tomorrow.  I am leaving tomorrow on my annual girls trip to Myrtle Beach.  This year my Mom is going with us.  I needed to be in a place where my Mom could not tell something was wrong.

I worked probably as hard as an addict works to get their fix.  I put something in motion, due to some information I had gotten.  I would like to give you all the details, but I can't yet.  For several reasons.  It's not totally done and I don't have time.  But, what I put in motion, became something beyond my comprehension, shook my world and scared me. 

I had a nice lunch with Emily on Tuesday.  That's all I will say about that. 

Today, at 5:30 am, a Federal Task Force and some Marshalls activated a "no knock warrant".  Emily was taken to our local county jail.  Her new "boyfriend" was taken far away by the Feds. 

I got a call from her around 8 am.  Didn't hear the phone, she was on my voicemail.  She very calmly and dare I say maturely said where she is.  That she is in a single cell, due to bed bugs.  She does not expect us to pay bail or bond.  That I should go on my vacation and know she is safe and will have 3 squares.  And that she loves me very much.  Maybe it was relief in voice.

Around 1pm I got a call from her cell phone.  I was kinda scared to answer it.  I thought the Feds would have taken it.  It was a very nice older woman, who Emily and her boyfriend were living with.  Because I don't have time, I can't fill you in the details.  But, she said, Emily went very politely and seemed ok.  This older woman fell in love with Emily.  She recently lost a daughter in a car crash.  But, she said, her boyfriend treated her very poorly.  She found Emily in the rain last night crying and crying.  I thanked her for housing my daughter and apologized for the circumstances and for them to have their house raided.  I was amazed at her understanding and I plan to meet her when I get home. 

This poor older couple had no idea this boyfriend was just out of a State Pen in Aug of 2010 for crystal meth.  They did not know he had fire arms in their home.  They did not know he violated Federal Probation. But the good news.. I KNEW. 

I will fill you in at later date.  I could not post, due to the nature of the circumstances.  But, as of now, everyone is where they should be.  I can breath.  I can smile and take a minute to smell the roses.  And, to make matters better, the old boyfriend, who she lived in abandon houses with this winter, was picked up April 21st and has no bail or bond.  So he can not bail her out.  I think all the doors have closed for my daughter, except the ones with bars.  This is the one thing she has not done, jail time.  So it's time.

I leave tomorrow at 7 am and I will be gone for 9 days.  Wonder what my house will look like with 2 guys living here that long alone?? 

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.  Kelly

Monday, April 18, 2011

I actually thought I could be a double Agent

I can not get into what is going on.  I will, when it is safe and I can do so. 

I think I have stated before, I have a very strong Mothers Intuition in regards to Emily.  I feel almost cursed to have this.  Not to go into the paranormal, but I am one who, at times, has access to my 6th sense.  I don't talk about it much, unless, I am given a "sign", to do so.  Let's just say, thru my sense, I have been able to help a friend find an old antique time piece, that had been missing for a long time.  I have had "visits" from the dead in a dream or meditation, in which they want me to pass on some kind of information to their loved one.  Like where the antique pocket watch was.  I have explored this and found, to be honest, I have fear.  I know so many addicts say fear stand in their way.  It stands in my way in this regard.  But no denying it when it comes to my daughter. 

I had a dream ( and I thank God, I got some sleep last night, it's a been a few nights).  I don't always remember my dreams.  I actually woke up today, feeling I could CONTROL it.  I could be a double agent.  I can't even tell you with whom right now.  I went as far as putting this plan into action.  I felt untouchable.  Nothing stands between a Mother and her sick daughter.  I am happy to say, that fear I have, stopped me. 

It's been a long weekend.  I did not post about our Birthday Visit.  Seems like very old news.  I actually called the coroners office this weekend, to see if there was Jane Doe.  Instead, I stumbled upon, something bigger and scarier.  And it's not done.  I am suffering internally and probably externally, as my son went and got me lunch today, because I have not eaten in awhile. 

He had Prom this weekend.  I was present and happy for him.  I should feel good about that.  Nothing like a handsome guy all cleaned up in a tux.  He looked good!  He had fun!  He was good.  No problems.  I am very thankful for that, and I believe God knew I could not handle an incident with him too. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Happy 20th Birthday

Well today is Emily's 20th birthday.  Seems like April is a big month for our kids birthday's here in blogland. 
For me, it is bitter / sweet.

Up until last night, we were not going to see her.  After much discussion, we decided to go get her and take her to dinner.  Then came the question of what to "get" her.  Grocery store cert?  We have done that in the past.  We came up with eye and dental appointments.  Last time she asked for contacts was Sept of 09.  Probably saw a dentist around then too.  We feel these are appropriate young adult "gifts". That way we pay the facility with our insurance or cc.

I did write about her birth here:  April 12, 1990.

I was starting to get anxious.  I even said to my husband, I am not sure we are making the right decision.  He said we can't back out now.  Ok then.

There happened to be a show on A&E last night called Hillbilly Heroin.  It happened to be set not too far from where Emily is living now.  My husband came in the room and said, OMG that's Emily isn't it!  What is she doing on tv?  She didn't tell us!  I am like calm down, it is not her, I don't know what you are talking about.  He said well she looks like that and that's her twin, same coat, etc.  Remember, I have not "seen" her since Jan.  I ask him, does she look that bad?  He said yes, last time he saw her.  My anxiety was rising.  Then he says to me, well remember what the detox counselor told me?  I am like humm no.  He said she told him they had not ever had such a worst case of black tar heroin addiction as they had with Emily.  Nobody told me... and now I wish I didn't know. 

I did talk to Emily , at length yesterday.  Let's just say, I have been saying this time "it's different".  It's so different, there is not connect.  Like all logic, thought process is gone.  It's like talking to.. well I don't know what, something so foreign to me.  My hope for tonight is, somewhere deep inside her, she will remember her roots, where she came from, feel our love and know we will support recovery.  But, I am not sure she is able to go back that far in her brain. Remember those commercials about drugs.  There was an egg and they said this is your brain, then they fried it and said this is your brain on drugs.  That's what talking to her is like. 

The last 2 birthdays have been spent , in her words, treatment facilities.  She refused to go back to treatment today, maybe later this week she said.  As her birthdays were not fun.  What's fun to her?  I really don't want to know.  I said, well I certainly had fun last year, maybe it was just me.  She said, no, she agreed we all had fun.  I don't think this year we will have "fun".  I think we will come home, glad we made an effort, but scared for her.  That's where my anxiety comes in.  I feel fragile, like if she is so physically ill looking, I will crack.  I am gonna try my hardest not to.  I am going to spend some time today, getting myself ready to "accept" and not judge and set my boundaries.

Happy Birthday my first baby.  My hope for you is to be healthy, enjoy life and find the good.  Mom

Saturday, April 9, 2011


Anyone know why my post are not going into paragraph form? It's how I am writing it, but it then posts as 1 big long thing. THANKS!

I thought you'd be Happy I am getting my ducks in a Row

Yesterday, about 12:15 pm, Emily calls me. Said she couldn't wait to get up and call me and tell me the good news. She is taking care of herself, has a plan and getting all her ducks in a row. For a lot of us, we would immediately think, oh there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. I am not most, I take deep breath , let it out, and say calmly, ok let's hear it.

Well Mom, there is thing called HUD, have you heard of HUD? Yes, Emily, I have. Really? Wow! I didn't know about it.. anyway.. there is this girl, KD, she has a 2 year old baby and she is clean, never did drugs, really good person and she can get HUD. I can get 275.00 a month in food stamps and 750.00 in other money and we can get a 4 bedroom apt with 2 baths thru HUD. All we have to do is say we are lesbians. I will help with the baby and all.

Mom, Mom are you there?

Yes, Emily, I am here.

 Mom, aren't you happy, I am thinking for myself, have a plan, getting my ducks in row??

Emily, Hud is a federal program, you sign on a dotted line with Hud and lie, you are committing a federal crime. You can not go thru life trying to scam people and organizations. They are looking for people like you. Do you want to go to federal prison?

Well, I never thought of that. No, I don't want to go to federal prison.

 Emily, before you act, research. ( Now I get to meat of the conversation)

 Emily, they are willing to take you back at rehab. Your counselor will help, you just have to call her.

She says... well my counselor never called to tell me that! She has my number too!

Emily, counselors do not track down addicts and offer them things. They wait for the addict to show they want it. I continued to say. You have this good option. Something we will support. You and I both know, it takes a good year for your brain to heal. I saw glimpses of it at 8 or 9 months clean last summer. Not quite there, but really close. But, then you sabotaged your recovery for a guy. Like you did the summer before in FL, like you did at the therapy school, like you just did this time.

She said, that's just what I do

I said I know, and how is that working for you??

 Sigh, it's not.

 Ok then, take a year, you are bright, intelligent, get that back. Take a year, work on yourself for yourself. You are still at an age where you have the world at your feet, yours for the taking, if you just work it. You can go to school. ( She says, yes, I really really want to go to school). I said you can get your license, you can work towards a rewarding job. You also do not have do it all alone, we will support you in positive options. I can hear the wheels turning in her head.

I go for the kill. Emily, do you know who your boyfriend is? I have done some research. Yes, Mom, but let me tell you people change. You can't hold the past against someone. Do you know who is dad is? yes, mom. Well Emily, people can change, I agree, but, it has not been that long since he has been out of a federal program and already been thru 1 rehab, and you know as well as I do, that 2 addicts with no after care probably won't make it too far. And, you are in a small town, where he is a marked man and they are probably watching you now. She is about to say something, and I say, don't say it, your brain is still not healed and I am sure whatever you are going to say is going to confirm that to both of us.

 She said I understand what you are saying. Then she asks about meeting for her birthday. I say, call your Dad. She pushes and pushes. I finally say, I was willing to meet you with strong boundaries. She asks what the means. I say , do not waste my time listening to lies. No pipe dream conversations. I said and absolutely no talk about this new boyfriend.

She says I understand what you are saying... but you left me at Christmas!

I said, Emily, we celebrated with you and I spend a whole long day with you, getting hair , nails done, shopping, eating. I said where are the gifts you got? She said stolen. I said well if you had been doing the right thing, they would not have been stolen. I said, and if you really want to know.. the whole time we were together, all you talked about was your b/f at the time, what you were getting him, his family. Never once did you ask me to take you to get your brother or father a Christmas gift. You couldn't even make us a Christmas card. Or write a poem or sing a carole for us. It was all about you and your b/f at the time. Like now.. all about your birthday and the new love of your life.

She kept saying, I understand, I know where you are coming from. She said boy, this conversation turned out totally different than I thought. I woke up so excited to call you and tell you of my plans and doing it on my own.

 I said, you can't do it on your own. You have proven that. Please call your Dad and the counselor. No response. I said, I love you.. she said I know you do, I love you too.. and hung up.

I called my husband and gave him the heads up.

She did end up calling him a few hours later. He told her the same things I did. He offered to give her a ride back to rehab. He offered her support while in the program. He did say, we will not meet you for your birthday unless you choose to go back. We will send a card, maybe a grocery store gift cert.

She then asked him to call her counselor and see the offer was still good. He did. First, her counselor was out for the week, but he talked to another one, who knew Emily and the situation. He kept saying, you shouldn't be calling , she should. She has to find her way back here, not you doing it for her. No kidding we know this, but we are trying to get her to that point. They will take her back, but she will be drug tested and if she is positive, she has to start in detox and at the beginning and he said the odds are high she will test positive. He said, as she left, she said her dealer was picking her up... my husband said, yeah, she met him in your program! He asked who it was, my husband told him and there was dead silence. Then he said, well tell her to come in and we will test her and start the process.

So my husband calls her back, tells her. She doesn't say much. Then says, well thank you, I will think about it. Kept saying, I will think about it.

For now, I guess that's ok. It's about the best we are gonna get.

 Here is where I get confused. By us laying down these clear boundaries, what we will support, what we won't, it sorta feels like we are forcing her to go back and we all know , it doesn't work that way. They have to want it for themselves. I mean, yes, she has a choice, stay where she is, which I believe will have a bad ending, another rock bottom or do as we say. And, I am not sure that will work anymore. So to me, it's a catch 22. Looking around for my magic wand.

The Cycle Continues

Well we finally heard from her. It was a relief. I spoke with her last Monday. She was, imagine this, all about her. Oh, and her new boyfriend.

 Never once, in over an hour conversation, did she ask how her brother was, how her dad was or how I was. Never once acknowledged our letters or "gifts". On and on about the new boyfriend. How he is the one that paid for her phone to be turned back on and insisted she contacted us because he knows we would be worried and love and miss her.

 I never got any concrete answers for the few questions I could squeeze in. I did however get a lot of contradictory. I did not point them out. I did not push on going back to rehab.

Then came the birthday question. Her 20th is April 12th. Would we like to get together? We can meet her alone or with new love of her life . We can go to where she is or she can get ride up here. She is now living about 40 minutes south of Columbus. I just kept saying, I need to talk to your Dad.

 After some digging, which I really DID NOT want to do, but could not help myself. Shame on me! I have found out this new love of her life, got out of a federal penitentiary Aug of 2010. By March of 2011, he is in rehab?? I dug some more. I know, I know, shame on me! His father is still in a federal penitentiary, they ran a crystal meth ring. I am surprised I don't remember it from the news.. maybe we weren't living here then? This guy did not graduate from HS, was kicked out.

 She lied to me about his age. She lied about his job. Big surprise right?

He even got on the phone with me! He told me she is safe. They are going to AA, NA meetings up in Columbus. He feels family is important and we would be worrying. He said he was in rehab due to a sports injury from HS, pain pill problem. He asked if I was from MN, due to my accent. Said I sounded like Sarah Palin.

To me, why waste your breath and my time lying? Again, we are presented with , do we see her, or don't we. My husband flat out said No. I have not physically seen her since January. She is my baby and it's her birthday.

 I spoke with a girl, who has been helping me. She said, it might be good to see her, she will remember her roots, feel your hug and heart beat and it might bring back good memories. But, set the boundaries, like dont' talk if it's gonna be lie. No pipe dream conversations, absolutely no discussion on the new boyfriend. What's left to talk about? Because she certainly doesn't care to hear about our boring life. I was still thinking about it, when Emily called yesterday. To be continued in the next post.