Happy 20th Birthday

Well today is Emily's 20th birthday.  Seems like April is a big month for our kids birthday's here in blogland. 
For me, it is bitter / sweet.

Up until last night, we were not going to see her.  After much discussion, we decided to go get her and take her to dinner.  Then came the question of what to "get" her.  Grocery store cert?  We have done that in the past.  We came up with eye and dental appointments.  Last time she asked for contacts was Sept of 09.  Probably saw a dentist around then too.  We feel these are appropriate young adult "gifts". That way we pay the facility with our insurance or cc.

I did write about her birth here:  April 12, 1990.

I was starting to get anxious.  I even said to my husband, I am not sure we are making the right decision.  He said we can't back out now.  Ok then.

There happened to be a show on A&E last night called Hillbilly Heroin.  It happened to be set not too far from where Emily is living now.  My husband came in the room and said, OMG that's Emily isn't it!  What is she doing on tv?  She didn't tell us!  I am like calm down, it is not her, I don't know what you are talking about.  He said well she looks like that and that's her twin, same coat, etc.  Remember, I have not "seen" her since Jan.  I ask him, does she look that bad?  He said yes, last time he saw her.  My anxiety was rising.  Then he says to me, well remember what the detox counselor told me?  I am like humm no.  He said she told him they had not ever had such a worst case of black tar heroin addiction as they had with Emily.  Nobody told me... and now I wish I didn't know. 

I did talk to Emily , at length yesterday.  Let's just say, I have been saying this time "it's different".  It's so different, there is not connect.  Like all logic, thought process is gone.  It's like talking to.. well I don't know what, something so foreign to me.  My hope for tonight is, somewhere deep inside her, she will remember her roots, where she came from, feel our love and know we will support recovery.  But, I am not sure she is able to go back that far in her brain. Remember those commercials about drugs.  There was an egg and they said this is your brain, then they fried it and said this is your brain on drugs.  That's what talking to her is like. 

The last 2 birthdays have been spent , in her words, treatment facilities.  She refused to go back to treatment today, maybe later this week she said.  As her birthdays were not fun.  What's fun to her?  I really don't want to know.  I said, well I certainly had fun last year, maybe it was just me.  She said, no, she agreed we all had fun.  I don't think this year we will have "fun".  I think we will come home, glad we made an effort, but scared for her.  That's where my anxiety comes in.  I feel fragile, like if she is so physically ill looking, I will crack.  I am gonna try my hardest not to.  I am going to spend some time today, getting myself ready to "accept" and not judge and set my boundaries.

Happy Birthday my first baby.  My hope for you is to be healthy, enjoy life and find the good.  Mom