Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Sunday, June 27, 2010

It started with a request for a letter from me to her

I have been asked by Emily to write a letter of what her addiction did to me. Oh, and I was suppose to ask the rest of the family to do the same... oh and it's needed right away.

At this point I still do not have my letter done. The main body of it is done. I am conflicted.. I feel I am too harsh.. or mean... but her addiction has been harsh and mean to me... but she's my daughter.. it's not in my nature to "hurt" her.

This subject morphed into several other issues in my life that revolve around addiction and or drug/alcohol issues.

One of them.. I am not ready to discuss.. I am still processing it. maybe I am still in "shock" over it. I hope I can discuss it or write about in time... I hope it doesn't put me in isolation again or send me to the grocery store hiding behind big sunglasses wondering if everyone knew but me.

The other thing that happened this week that involves addiction is... My brother, out of the blue.. asked to see me. Told me he was off work on Thursday and I should come down.. have lunch and hang around his pool. I know he was asked to do this by my Mother... because he did say... Mom was right.. you look like you belong in Ethiopia.
He had mentioned something on the phone about Bloody Mary's by the pool. I was like Bloody Marys? He said well if you don't like that.. we can make something else..

That wasn't my point. My point was... he had a liver transplant 2 years ago in April. That was why I "questioned" the damn Bloody Mary's.

So we had a nice lunch. His son was with us, as he was off work as well. His son will be a JR in college.. he was a State Champion in Hocky, MVP. Off season a soccer star and tennis player.. anything to avoid working. He was fit.. real fit. Now I see him filling in.. but not a healthy fill. He said he enjoys drinking with his frat boys.. most of the bars are cheap and add a daily dinner of wings... and he can get in because of his fake id. I like to be the "cool" aunt... also I remember my time in college... I had a blast.. most of my concept of that blast.. did revolve around drinking. Who am I to judge??

After the lunch we got our suits on... I was asked if I wanted a Bloody Mary.. no I did not.. I don't have my designated driver and it's an hour 20 minutes home. Well that didn't stop them.. garage refrig held all the "good" beer. Heck they both had the day off.. beautiful sunny breezy day.. I get it... ( sorta)

My brother comes out in his suit... that's not all he's adorning.. his huge peace sign scar from the liver transplant is a glaring reminder to me. Many other misc scars.. where there were ports or biopsies..

On to the 2nd 6 pack... he tells me he got his tatoo reinked , as it was fading.. The tattoo that might be the reason he got Hep C in the first place.. the one from Germany in the 80's when nobody knew what sharing needles or ink would do.
Still.. this isn't my place to judge...
But when tells me the tattoo place closed 1 week after he had it recolored.. due to not following the hygene, safety rules... I am sorry.. I am starting to judge...

I am starting to wonder.. when he and his wife handed me the Donate Life application that came with a car sticker .. that my left bumper is wearing.... can I request that if they take my liver they won't give it to someone that will continue to drink? Can I put stipulations on my organs?

WAIT WAIT... it's not about organs... it's about addiction... it's the strong hold to drink beer with your under age son on a beautiful summer day and think nothing is wrong. I forgot for a minute... addiction is stronger than LOVE.. stronger than getting a 2nd chance in life... stronger than anything I will be able to wrap my brain around. I forgot .. again... but it's there to remind me... it's always lurking around the corner to catch me. .. trip me up.

He walked me to the car... he said.. hey do me a favor.. call Mom. I said.. well we kinda had a fight.. he said I gathered that... but I told her I would ask you to call her... He said don't be like Dad's side of the family and hold a grudge and not speak... life is too short for that.. and I am an expert in that area.. I am on borrowed time.

I would like to say he has a death wish... I might be able to understand that... but I can't say that... I can say addiction grabs another one of my family.

Obviously.. his kids, his wife.. us.. aren't enough to live without drinks or drugs.

I could say a lot to him. I could write a letter to him about what his addiction has done to me.. but he is not ready to receive.. and it would end up with us not speaking... by his choice , not mine.

Post script: I forgot.. when I left my house.. I called him to tell him I was on my way. He was on his way home from returning 2 kegs. His wife and daughters went to FL for a week.. so he and his son thought they should have a party all week. He was getting his deposit back and returning the kegs.

I really have no desire to talk to my sister in law.... she is not an open person... and in reality, I should thank her.. if she wasn't there to keep things running.. it would be me... and that's not something I can handle right now... or maybe ever.

Every time I think I am making progress... I am quickly reminded... it never goes away. It's always lurking. Such an unsettling feeling.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Verdict is in...

Well last week, Emily went to court for her Macy's theft. She had completed the theft class and got a letter from her recovery center that said she is still there and working on her program. So ..drum roll.. those charges were exponged.
I am very happy for her. Who wants a record when they are so young??
However I am wondering exactly what she learned?

This week, we got a phone call from her counselor asking us to come up for a meeting with her and the head director this week. Immediately.. we ALL went into crisis mode. Wondering, is she getting kicked out?? What's plan B? Help?? All I can say .. is.. my reality check.. my son sat there saying.. NO NO NO she can't come home.. don't even think about it.. if you do.. I will leave!
Amazing how 1 phone message can put us right back to "survive" mode.
We did call back.. set up an appointment for this Monday.. after work.
Apparently.. Emily is manipulating us against them. Imagine.. a manipulator.. yes, I am being sarcastic.. We are going to get a copy of their rules.. which we have been asking for , for months.

Here is the deal.. Her court dates are like at 8 or 9 am. We have been having horrible weather.. storms, etc.. my husband has had retnia surgeries on both eyes.. he can't see well.. so for him to leave at 4 am.. 2 hours there, 2 hours back to court.. and turn around and either he or take her back by 5 pm.. is crazy. When he talked to cranky house mothers..they were very unkind.. unsympathtic.. and basically could give a crap and wanted off the phone so they can play their computer games. He asked them.. are you punishing her? no sir. are you trying to teach her a lesson? no sir. So why are you punishing me?? It's a matter of safety.
So I went above them.. left a message .. guess they didn't like that.. hence the need for an immediate meeting...

But you know.. with every addict.. there is another side. DANG.. why can't I remember that?? God knows it's been this way for years... I should be trained by now.

I get a call from Emily.. Wed or Thursday.. Mom, I need your help.. ok.. what Em? Well I need a letter from all of you of what my addiction did to you. Hey Em.. we've done this 3 times already.. remember? No , I don't remember. Ok I will do another one and print out the past ones. When do you need this by? dumb question.. yesterday.
I need it ASAP to go to phase 3.. in phase 3 there will be no problem with me spending the night before at home for my court dates. I just didn't want to ask you.. I delayed it. Well since I am feeling a little procrastination coming on myself.. guess you'll get, when you get it.

We chit chatted about stuff.. and I said.. hey wasn't it great your brother went with me last time and he actually came in and met the other girls?? I said that's a HUGE step. She said.. he was mean. I am like mean? We were all talking.. listening to music.. I was having fun.. was I in the same car? Mom... he is a spoiled brat.. and ya know what.. I worked hard on repairing my relationship with him and I am done. He's like an only child now and you guys are spoiling him.. and don't give me that.. he's a 17 year old boy crap..anymore.. WOW.. back to the selfishness.. it's all about me.. ungrateful.. Some things don't change when they get sober... infact they might get magnified.. because the haze is gone. Do you consider 1 letter repairing your relationship? Because he has years of hurt and anger.. 1 letter is not gonna repair that.. but oh yea.. I remember now.. you take the easy road... to justify your feelings and forget about others... Dang! I should be remembering this stuff!

So Monday is our meeting and Tuesday is her felony court date.. these might not be as easy to exponged.. but I sure hope she learns something...
Isn't it funny .. that I feel like she is gonna mess up after Tuesday... in the back of my mind is that ticking.. ticking.. she is only where she is because of court...

I guess I am off to spoil my son and go to dinner...

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Purple Hair, Piercings and Facebook

This is not my daughter.. grabbed this from the web. It could not be my daughter, as this looks professionally done. I might even like it on a normal day. But is there ever a normal day?
One of the ways I communicate with my daughter is via Facebook. The very place I had blocked several years ago. Now I am a proud member.
Her posts yesterday... send me back the "shock value" days.
I got a jankie piercing
I have purple hair and I don't care
Awhh the comments are long.. and on a normal day.. funny.
Our IM went like this:
M - a piercing huh?
E- yea yea.. hahahaha
M- With the money I gave you last weekend, I could have a had a healthy facial
E- hahahahahahaha.. your so funny mommy.
M- I am not trying to be funny
E- it was a belated birthday gift from a friend. Cost 15.00
M- hope it doesn't get infected
E- I know I know..you get what you pay for right??
M- I gotta run.. but I love you
E- I lovvvvve u 222222 Wait til you see my next post!
Next post:
I have purple hair and I don't care
Lack of maturity .. probably. Lack of filter: most definately
Hair has never been a battle. I have and will again pay for a good cut and color... within some guidelines.. I am paying.. I have to look at it.. so we compromise.
Anything else you pay for
I do not pay for your hair mistakes
I know deep in my heart, if she is alive.. at age 38 she will not have purple hair.
So what does all this bother me? If you have the answer, I would love to hear it.
Why do , after all the history, all the trama, all the relapses, all the sober time, are we back to this?
On a normal day... I might laugh.. but I haven't had a normal day in 5 years.
The tattoos... the piercings.. nose, eyebrow, belly button, the hair colors... crayola would be jealous of the colors she has come up with. My brother had a liver transplant due to a tattoo in Germany in the early 80's.
The "dare to be different" in her, is strong.
Sigh.. I guess I will take purple hair and a belly button ring over using heroin.
In the past ... they have co-insided. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Not an Elephant in the room, but an Octopus

Recently, I had the unfornate experience of having a real fight with my Mother. Probably one of the most hurtful experiences in my life.

I won't get into the details.. they actually don't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter is, I had a vision of an Octopus in our family. One that grabbed hold.. to the entire family.. reaches and attaches itself to all of us.. Addiction does that... just like an octopus. It has grabbed us.. latched on and whipping us around.. causing hurt, blame and mean unsaid words. It's reached heart of relationships with all of us.

I would like to say.. I honestly feel like.. I am past "blame". Where did it get me? But make me feel bad, unworthy of a better life. It created jealousy from me.. when I saw other Mother's and their daughters out having fun.. innocent fun..quality time.. that I felt robbed of. It created me to isolate.. I didn't want to feel bad. It made think horrible things about my daughter.. that she tore our family apart. That she smashed my dreams. It made me feel depressed I did not give my son another sibling. It reached places I never knew exsisted in me... places I didn't like.

We are held prisoner by this octopus. To shake free.. I have got to let go the blame , the what IF's.

When my Mom saw me for the first time in 6 months.. she said I am sick... it's written everywhere. Then she went on to say how much she blames her granddaughter, my daughter for it. It was then I got the vision of an octopus...grabbing every single one of us. Calmly, I explained .. how she feels for me.. I feel for my daughter. Would I be able to say that to her if I didn't know where Emily was? Or if she was still using? I don't know. But, blaming is not get any of us healthy.

And, I lost, what I felt was my safe haven.. My Mom's comfort and retreat.

I need to turn this octopus into Calimari.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


L-O-V-E. What a powerful 4 letter word. Everyone strives for it. Everyone says it. Cards are signed with this word. Love thy Mother and Father. Love thy children. Love thy neighbors ( but not too much ). Churches are build on the love of God. Home Sweet Home is created with love. Everything GOOD in life was made with or from Love. Is Hate or Jealousy bigger than Love? No, I don't think so. But addiction is. It's bigger and badder than the all powerful Love. It takes from you.. no more self love.. it robs you of family love.. it turns your friends away. Addiction is bigger than Love.

There's that bond between Mother and Child. A bond that you never think can be severed. You think to yourself.. my love for my daughter is bigger than any addiction. My love will reach her and grab her back. My unconditional love is so big, I will do everything in my power to fight your addiction for you. I will go bankrupt, I will find the best help possible, I will let you live with me again, all because I love you unconditionally.

But, I have learned.. I can not love you death.
Who would have thought I would ever come to a concept like that in my lifetime?

I have a friend. Let's call her Sarah. Sarah is a very loving person, sometimes too much so, as I gently remind her. Sarah has worked her whole life. Sarah is in her later 50's. Sarah's huband is 62. He has a very professional job. Just waiting to travel and spend time with his loving wife. Sarah's daughter is an addict. I don't know if there is a "good" addict.. but Sarah's daughter is not a "good" addict. Sarah just got custody of her grandsons. 12 and 5 year old boys that have never been to school. Sarah and her loving hard working husband will not be travelling too soon. Sarah's love for her daughter is so huge, so grand, so beyond anything I can concieve of that she is willing to let go of her earned lifestyle and raise 2 trama strickened grandboys.

Why she is doing this... because it's the right thing to do and bigger than that.. because she loves her daughter to much... so very much. Her daughter loves drugs.

Love is a big powerful word, but it does not reach addicts.