Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Sunday, February 14, 2010



I have not spoken my daughter too much since she has been in this current rehab. I sent her a heartfelt letter with my husband last weekend when he went to see her on Family Day. In it, I explained I am tired of spending my weekends at rehabs for her. That it is important that I spend time my son, her brother. He is 16 and I don't want to leave him alone in the house... (girlfriend). And I don't him to think we both keep dropping everything to run to her. I also told her, she is an adult now, I do not want to involved with her process of learning to make her own adult decisions. So in reality, I don't want to blamed for anymore decisions made for her benefit.

The phone at the rehab house has been down due to snow. For like 5 days!

We tried the actual rehab today and they found her and we got talk.

She sounds good... real good. She is thankful she is learning about her "disease". She believes if she relapses she will die. Each relapse has been worst then past one. She is thankful she does not have children ( me too!). She is humbled at this rehab.. it's not luxery, like the ones in the past... it's not full of people with money. It has a higher rate of success. She wants to be one of them. She believes she can go to school ( college ) if she tries. She is finding the Spiritual side of her life. She is happy she is young and has to be all she can be.

Now, all these things, I have told her many times over... I understand it takes someone other than "Mom" to reach her. I found her repeating things I have said or believe myself...

HOWEVER, I am finding it hard to believe. I feel I have been burned so many times, what makes this one different? Except to say, I have not invested myself in this one. I have moved on and I am trying to find my balance.. I am trying to make sure I am healthy, my needs are taken care of first. I WANT TO BELIEVE HER SO BAD.. but I AM AFRAID!

So for now.. I will find the peace that she is still there , safe and sober.
Happy Valentines Day my lovely daughter.

Friday, February 5, 2010


This helped alot! When your daughter IS seriously ready to stop she will need her Mom strong. Do all you can to make YOURSELF strong.

Many people tell me how strong I am .. schools have asked me to speak. Professionals have asked me to share with other parents.

Besides having an "out of control" teen daughter, my husband had 2 retnia detaches in his eyes. He went thru over 10 surgeries, recovered on the couch for at least 4 months. Wasn't easy then because he was an enabler to her.. so he was calling the shots from the couch.

At the same time my brother was dying of Hep C. He was in the army in the early 80's and a medic..when there were no safety measures or it came from a tatto he got in Germany, again when there were no hygene rules. I offered to be a living donor... but his hep c was so bad..it would have attact my partial to him too quickly. He was lucky and got a liver transplant at the Cleveland Clinic a year ago in April. I am happy to report, he is doing well now.. however the Hep C is in the new liver and he will undergo Interferon.. but he is healthy enough to do this now.

So I know how to be strong.. I know what it takes.. and I just wonder if I have it in me to it again. I think I am kinda tired of being strong. If that makes sense... I just wanna save my daughters life. I guess if that means.. if it's one step at a time at the grocery store.. that's what it means.. I will do it again.

Thank you so much! Kelly


In response from my post:

These words hit home:

I would lose mine as well and the decision I made then was that I was not willing for drugs to take us both

Again, I feel, easier said than done... I am just "going thru the motions" of living. I went to the grocery store today, simple task I have been doing most of my life... but I had no feeling, I couldn't tell you what I needed, what I bought..usually, I like to cook , cook with love for family... but I feel like something is invading me as well and I have to stop that.

We were in contact with her last weekend, thru this week when I turned her phone off on Wed. I know deep in my heart, she can find her contact in Delray and she can find a way to get a hold of us..if she so desires. We have not given her money since April..all she did , she paid for with her trust. I did provide gift certs as well, but I can't even do that now..because I do not know where she is. We did tell her not to contact us until she was ready to take her soberity seriously. I did text her boyfriend last night and told him to tell her we love her very much and hope she is ok. He texted right back and said she loves you too and she is ok.

I know she is ashamed and feels horrible.. but I feel like we have done the right thing all along, consistant... we tell her, ok you relapsed, that's in the past now.. let's come up with plan for the next hour, next day.. we forgive you, we understand, we love you.

Then I get a vision of my baby, shooting poison in her arm, foot, etc.. and thinking this is it for her, this is the only thing that will make her happy in life..and our love is not powerful enough against this horrid drug. Evil beat down an entire loving family. We can get back up.. but we will never get all the way up. Enjoying life is not the same with part of us missing.

She did ask us last week if she could come home. We said no, and I thought that was hard... at least I knew where she was then.

Thank you for your kind words.. I will have to keep remembering this.. it can't take us all down, because it has been for a long time and it's not fair. Kelly

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The Past

I also belong to an opiate-detox public forum board. It has been a very special place for me. I thought I should start here, where I started there. When I reached out to the unknown for help. This post was dated : Sept 12.2009

Hi All, My contact from a Sober Living Program in FL suggested I come to this forum for support. However, after reading here last night, I found myself more upset, feeling so bad for so many people.

This is another a reason I do not attend Al-Anon here.. I can not take too many horrible stories.. I need to move on, but easier said than done.

My daughter started using misc drugs at 14. It caused many problems with my marriage, family, etc.. I have that mother's instinct.. I knew I could not keep her safe. At 17 she was charged and my husband finally agreed.. we sent her to a theraputic boarding school at 8K a month.. drained our 401K savings. She came home for home visits, we thought they were going ok until the last one, we found hout she had been sneaking out the of house using with her old friends. She decided to check herself out of the school when she turned 18.

Long story short, she had a trust fund from my Mom for college coming. We luckily got her to sign the money over to us and we set her up in an Apt... she could not live with us, because she would not follow our contract for living here. 6 months rent was paid for her, etc. Within 3 weeks she was evicted.. partying, serving minors, noise, etc.

She then moved to a herion house. They had no electric, gas, windows,.. a friend of hers called me saying it was really bad..she is out of control. We got her to agree to come home, took her to the Hosp for detox.

She had an infection in her foot from a bad needle, if left untreated she would have been very sick. We then got her to agree to go to a rehab, Glenbeigh in OH. She completed the 30 day program. Then went to their 3/4 house on campus, completed that.

They said she is rehab/therapy savy, she can talk the talk, but needs to walk the walk.

She then agreed to go to Delray Beach, sober living Healing Properties. Last week she broke a rule, had a boy stay over and got kicked out. At one point she agreed to find another sober living home, but I believe she broke the rule to be where she is now.. holed up in a motel with a boy she met there doing herion. Healing Properties gave her one more chance, go to detox and we will find a bed for you in a week or 2..but she never took them up on that.

She was also beat up by a Hatian Gang. .. I still don't know the real truth about that or her condition.

She is dual diagnosised.

We have told her clearly what we will support, that was sober living for 90 plus, meetings for 90 days, and continued therapy for her borderline personality disorder.. I guess that too much for her.. she is lazy by nature and tell you that, using is easier than doing the work.

We have turned her phone off, we have found out her bank account is closed. I believe she will be hitting her rock bottom hard.. and it may result in death..

and I know you will tell me, God or a Higher Power is in the room with her, as well as with me. I have prayer groups, I have myself and others doing Reiki, I have a crystal chart for her..
but I think it's time to switch it to me, I know I need to take care of myself. I have lost 80 pounds since March.

We have installed an alarm system, glass block windows, to keep her out and her fellow addict friends that might need something to sell.

I have learned all I can about addiction, I have put myself in her shoes, I have enable when I felt it was for the greater good, I have shut her out til she is sober.

Her words to me, Mom, I am done digging to my rock bottom, it's too stressful, were just that.. words.

My gut is telling me, if I don't go down there and find her, she will be dead this time and I am not ready to loose my daughter.

I have emailed Intervetion, the TV show, I have emailed Dr. Phil. I found her b/f Mother on line in NJ.. I can be very resouceful..due to my love for her.

When does it end?

When can we have peace?

When do the crisis calls stop?

When do the sleepless nights end?

She is only 18 and equal to a 12 year old in maturity..she is fighting a battle that is stronger than her and smarter than her... I know I can't make her ....