Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Background or the water under the bridge

Tori asked in a comment, the background of Emily sounded similar to her child.. but I never finished it. I was copying my posts from ODR in the beginning.. got a new computer and it won't copy any more for some reason.

I think the problems started at age 12 or 13 when we moved from Cleveland to Columbus. Not saying we wouldn't have the same outcome had we stayed in Cleveland.. I just can't answer that. All the signs were there.. not turning in homework, friends were more important than family, consequences made no differences, not being where she said she was.. etc.

Then came the sneaking out, ppl dropping her off at the top of development, us not knowing her friends, changing schools ( thinking that was the solution)... a suicide attempt. Finding pot, pipes, a few little pills, some beer cans, vodka bottles around. Around age 15 -16.

Conflicts at home between my husband and I. He felt it is was normal experimentation.. everyone is doing it. Many therapy appointments, addiction specialist, individual counseling, etc. I remember saying.. the only way to get my husband to see there is a problem is if she gets caught by the law.. while I was saying that to my friend, it was happening! She was 17.

So July of 2008- we took her to a therapy school. Starr Commonwealth. She spend 9 months there. Started home visits and started sneaking out again.. only to use heroin. She missed a 25K college scholarship for music therapy because of her behavior at the school and checked herself out 2 days after she turned 18. April 2009. Thank god she graduate high school there.

She had money coming when she turned 18, we took the money to get her an apt. Paid 6 months and she was evicted in 3 weeks. Partying, underage drinking, noise.

She moved in a heroin house. No running water, no electric.. you know the type. I got a call from a friend of hers that she was out of control.. sick. Got her to come home and go the hops for an infection in her foot, due to a dirty needle. By June of 2009, she was slowly dying. She agreed to go to an adult rehab. Glenbeigh. Did 35 days there, paid some of it with her money. We spent Father's Day at the rehab, family day. Ha! Then did their step down program until Aug.

Left there for a sober living in Delray Beach Fl. The company is no longer in business. But, she was using shortly.. roxy's and oxy's. Got kicked out of there.. lived in a bed bug infested motel room with some guy she met. I tried to get the Marsh Act.. we were not supporting or in communication during this time. She called and said it was too much, she was going back to the sober living. She had been there 1 or 2 weeks in Oct of 2009.. and was brutally raped and beaten. She was trying to sell an ipod she had stolen. I spoke to the police det. He told me if it was his daughter he would come get her.. Delray is not place for a young girl in recovery, he has no clue why so many recovering people flock there. I went to get her. She moved home.

We jumped into action.. counseling, rape advocacy, girls group with her old counselor, etc. She got a job at our local Starbucks. We were working on getting her driving temps. ( I never felt right letting her get her license) Within 3 weeks.. she was back at it with old friends here. She stole our credit cards, checks, got caught, went to jail.. week before Thanksgiving. Got out of jail and went to live with her dealer and his parents.. just down the road. The few times I saw her, her hands were full of needle marks. We kept our message clear, repeated over and over, detox, a program, or don't call us.

I got a call Jan. 2010 from a woman from Macy's. She was caught stealing. She wanted to talk to me. She asked me to come get her.. I said only if I take you to detox. She said OK. Well it was a level 1 snow storm.. and we missed the intake time. She had to come home. We tried again .. she got in and they said she qualified for our State rehab, only problem it could be up to 10 weeks to get in, you have to call every day. Long story short, my husband was travelling, sending me mixed message on what my "babysitting" job should include and not include. Like meetings.. I was in my jammies and she wanted to go to a meeting.. there was only 20 minutes left.. it was cold , rainy.. he told me to take her.. there would be people to talk to her.. but she went to find someone to party with. He told me, how could I be trusting and take her to the meeting, knowing there be people using there.. That was my breaking point. I kicked them both out.. She had lied to me about work, had me take her there, she was in her uniform and all, and she never went. Things like that. Kicking them both out was the best thing I ever did.

He found a reasonable rehab, Neil-Kennedy. She went there. I never attended any weekends. It was my son's swim season and I needed him to know, I was not running to her every time she choose to do the right action. I had quality time with him, while my husband went to all the family things at the rehab. It was exactly 1 year ago. She had a horrible detox, ending up in the hosp due to the suboxen. But, she claims it was the best rehab, no frills, bottom of the bottom and she couldn't believe she ended up there.. so that's why it was the best in her eyes..she learned the most. They kept her as long as they could.. til they or us found another program. I was pushing for a 2 year program in NC. Venture Recovery. She spoke with them and she felt it would be too hard for her. Duhhh. And it didn't help her counselor said it sound like a commune.

In Feb or March of 2010 she went to the Beacon House. She did well. By May or June she was 5/6 months sober. We were repairing our relationship. I saw the old Emily coming back. She never looked healthier. She got her charges dismissed here, did her deposition for the case in FL. Got her temps. But, all good things come to an end. She got herself kicked out. Due to a homeless alcoholic guy. Which I think I write about here. She then went to the Salvation Army. My husband then got her an apt there, so she could have her support. She did good for about 2 weeks, doing IOP, etc. Then I believe her paid for apt became a party place. The apt blding was going in foreclosure.. so she had to get out. She moved herself back to Columbus. She is currently living in the basement with 2 guys as roommates. She has a job. She claims she is 1 year sober as of last Saturday. In spite of the pretty pink glass blown pipe I found in her purse. Her words: "You are never gonna believe this, but it's not mine". Your right, I don't believe it, but guess what, my husband does.. and took her to get her 1 year coin.

So that sums up the background. Leaving out all the drama, phone calls, crisis, lies, manipulation, hosp visits, appointments, etc.
Hugs, Kelly

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I am not Shocked or Surprised...

I was headed to bed last night, and my husband said, can you talk for a minute about something very serious??.. and I mean serious. I thought.. oh great, his company is being sold or they are laying off. It's a small company. We are part owners or partners. We own the paperclips.. but paper clips have good benefits after we paid them off. The CEO is my age. Type A personality. Has a posy of friends. He is very bright and plays as hard as he works. His wife happens to be the CFO. She is not an owner or shareholder thou. I used to hang out with them, til I couldn't keep up.. energetically or financially.

2 years ago she called me. We chatted, reunited, had lunches together. We talked about our husbands egos. We talked about feeling like single parents because they are always travelling. We talked about their drinking, we talked about the company paying for all the drinks. She told me her husband drinks more than I or anyone knows. It had gotten out of hand to the point he had a huge fight with his oldest son one night. Swore off drinking and the next morning he had vodka in his coffee cup in the porch. She knew I had been through alot... I suggest Hazeleton or Betty Ford. He is always out of the office any way.. nobody would know. Time goes by, nothing changes if nothing changes.

We haven't done a lot with them in awhile. Mainly, my husband quit drinking and they are in the "fast" crowd. We have rented their condo in Naples FL, we have laughed on Facebook. But we aren't back and fourth at each other's houses anymore. My husband has described himself as the Kissinger of the company. He is now the quiet peace keeper during or after the deals are being made. He is not, fast , slick, deal maker anymore. He is not going to martini bar after anymore.

Well last night he told me, the CEO called him last Monday and said his wife kicked him out. Said he made her ill and she is done. What can he do? He can't live without her. She said it was due to his drinking. I am not shocked or surprised... like others. My husband suggested AA. Well 5 days later, he hasn't gone to a meeting and now feels his wife is at fault just as much as he is. He doesn't need to change, cause she is the one that kicked him out... so she is wrong. And besides that, he has quit drinking.. sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, so he can quit any time he wants. Sound familiar??

I know they were at their condo in FLA for Christmas. And he said they had a great time. I know every New Years Day they are home and have a big party.. a hung over party. I quit going a few years ago... I know she planned this to the minute. She wanted a nice Christmas for her 3 kids, then they had big plans for New Years and then she told him. I also know, it was not easy. I am not talking hundreds of thousands of dollars to be divided up.. I am talking maybe a few million. I know their nice lifestyle will change. I know he begged her before the economy crashed to sell her condo in FL and invest in something else.. and it was hers, her inheritance from her dad.. and she refused and he was mad.. but I know, she knew she would do this some day and needed that. It was hers.. all hers and she needed it for later on.

I also know his ego might be slightly bigger than my husbands and he does not get it and will not get it. I know he has been at the Cleveland Clinic for IBS for years and is always trying some new experimental procedure to get well. I know his grandma died of alcoholism. Liver shut down... after being sober for 14 years and relapsing.

I know we are all in our 40's and thinking if I am not happy and life has gone by so fast so far, why should stay in some unhappy relationship for the next 40? There is more to life.

I also know, even thou this is personal, what will happen to the company with the CEO and CFO divided? You can't take sides. You also can't ignore the well being of the company and employees. My husband would be considered top heavy.

So I am not surprised or shocked.. but I am worried. And I am very sad.. this disease has hurt another family. More kids will be effected. More lives destroyed for awhile. It very much saddens me.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Brought To Tears....

I have a thread on ODR. More on that in a minute. But I wanted to share the 2 posts I woke up to today.

First one is from an Administrator:

You mothers and father are an inspiration on how to detach healthily from your addict children.. ( healthily, is that a word?) I am very happy to see that this forum gets used as much as it does. Not only do you help yourselves and each other but no telling how many other parents, who just come here to read, have gotten help and inspiration from you guys! Thanks and God Bless all of you.

Krish, this thread alone is a gem. It shows an almost daily journal of your progression from a very distraught co-dependant enabler to the happy and peaceful beautiful lady you are today. You deserve every good thing that comes your way.

The next one is from someone I am not familiar with:

I must add to what xxxx said. Not only do you give inspirations to other parents but I am sure you have given inspiration to many addicts as well. I came to this thread late, but I have read the entire thing. It has given me inspiration and insight into what I was putting my own mother through; and what it would it would do to her if I kept using. She has tried to be so calm and strong for me; she always tried to hide the effects everything was having on her because she knew I was going through the fight of my life. ( She didn't know about my addiction until I told her which was a couple months ago when I first decided I was going to get clean). Anyway when I was having intense cravings and coming close to giving in those first few dark days I would come on this thread and read for an hour or two. I would think about my mother and that was usually enough to stop me from using; plus it killed an hour or two at a time :). But seriously I would come and read; with tears streaming down. I would walk away never wanting to use again. Thank you for sharing. I wish you and your family the best.

Who knew? I was literally crying this AM and very humbled. These posts touched me. I don't believe there is silver lining in addiction, but if there was one.. this would be it!

ODR is Opiate-detox Recovery public forum board. I had to go back and look, but I made my first post on Spet 12, 2009. That is not to say, when I first started dealing with my daughter's addiction, it's when I found out there was such a forum. My thread is under Friends and Family: My Daughter.

I was a lurker at first. I read and read.. and all I got out of it was hopelessness, despair, ugliness. It scared me. But I posted eventually. Basically I think I went there to whine to others who understood the anger I had that my family was destroyed. Vent my jealousy of other mother's and their daughters. To express my hurt that went to my very core. To tell how every Holiday sucked and so did a ringing phone. I wanted to hear.. it's ok to feel that way.. get sympathy or empathy. I got that... AND MUCH MORE. I heard other sides, I learned I needed to recover too. I met some fantastic friends along the way, some I speak to daily.

Today is not the first day I have been brought to tears from this thread, from post from people I do not know personally. I guess it's my "high", my silver lining in this whole mess.

Thanks ODR!
Hugs, Kelly

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Out with Old, but does the Old ever go out?

I hope everyone had a peaceful Holiday Season. Our was certainly peaceful and calm and drama free.. oh what to do when that happens? I am not used to it!
Like most of the country, the cold followed us to Florida. We had one beach day, Christmas day. This picture is of my son, my Mom and step father as we left Jupiter for Orlando. The day my husband and son went to Universal, Adventureland closed down for too many people. Just our luck. No new Harry Potter ride for them. FYI: We bought the passes many months in advanced, guess they over sold tickets. We also purchased the express passes for 60.00 a piece and they are not good for Harry Potter and they are only good for 1 time per ride. If you want to ride a ride twice, the 2nd time you will have to wait the 3 hours.
My gift came true. No phone calls from Emily, no drama, no crisis, whew. I think I am conditioned to deal with crisis, that it bordered on boring. I was not on high alert. I think something physical actually happens, you body relaxes, the bricks start to lift, a heavy sigh and lightness occurs. All this addiction stuff has turned me off from even enjoying a drink anymore. Guess what? I had several enjoyable drinks. Who can turn down a Pina Colada on the beach Christmas Day from a nice bartender with an Irish accent?
The day after Christmas, 2 good things happened. My Mom wanted to go shopping and get Emily a gift. She has not acknowledged her graduation, birthdays or Christmas's for years now. She did not want to give cash, but wanted my help in picking something out. Knowing her so well, she is practical. I suggested a blow dryer and/ or curling iron or flat iron. Emily seems to have lost, left or otherwise misplaced those things. Or shoes. My Mom loves shoes ( well what woman doesn't). But she is a sucker for a good pair of shoes. She always brought the Stride Rite for school. The good snow boots. Uggs for her college age grandkids. So we settled on Sperry Topsiders. Went down memory lane, when she bought mine at this age. Now they canvas, sequence ones, gold, black glitter ones. We got the classic ones. Both Grandma and Emily were happy.
The 2nd thing that was good. My husband got me a spa treatment at the resort we were staying at for that afternoon. WOW. I haven't splurged on myself like that in a long time. I got a Swedish massage on a warm bed. I flipped over and got a facial. Of course the woman doing the services, got information out of me and she felt bad and gave me an extra facial thing.. took the first layer of skin off my face. I never did that before.. but I glowed afterwards! Next I went to the steam room, took a nice shower with all their products, and then got a deep hair condition and style. When I was done, my husband and son were not back in the room. I know this sounds trivial, but when you are traveling with 2 guys and all the hotels are 1 small room and 1 bathroom, it was nice to come up to a quiet room, look at my clothes, take a minute to decide what to wear, actually try a few things on and not get dressed in a small steaming bathroom. It does a Mom wonders, the night was theirs and I was in good mood to follow whatever they wanted to do. Even if that included finding a loud wings place to watch sports.
On the way home, I got sick. Andy had been sick on xmas, I got it. Only those young kids can recovery more quickly. Mine is still lingering. Nothing worst than being in a car for hours feeling horrible and not having your own bed at night when you are blowing your nose and can't breath.
Emily knew we had stuff for her. Or I had Grandma's gift and I had hit some great sales and got her a few things. So she said she would come over on New Years Day. 3pm. She also wanted my traditional dinner of pork, kraut and mash potatoes. I assumed she was spending the night, but she announced she had to go back because she had to work at 7 am the next day. After dinner, she got up and went to the couch, pulled up the blanket and fell asleep. Humm.. a pattern I saw a lot when she was using. The purse was always at her side again. I didn't have to say much.. my husband said, Get up Em, I will take you back now. She started to argue, but he said, there is no reason for you come here and lay around and sleep. You could help with the dishes, play music with me, play xbox with your brother, but if you are just gonna lay around, you might as well do that at your place. She claims she was just up all night on New Years.. but I know that hung over look, I believe I saw it in her. So her visit lasted less than 2 hours.
I got to thinking yesterday. I shouldn't do that.. really. Sometimes it's best not to think. She was going on and on about her boyfriend... on and on.. what she got him for xmas, what he got her, what she got his family, what they got her... We didn't not even get a homemade card from her. I certainly don't want her spend her money on us.. just as my Mom told us the same thing, we have all we want and need, don't spend your money on us. BUT, a card would have been nice, some kind of acknowledgment to her family to have a nice Holiday. She is very creative , a poem or song would have perfect. Just a few words on paper or out of her mouth even. Nothing. This does not set well with me.
I took my son out to get his gift for his Dad. He offered to pay or pay half. I said no, it's ok. He did the same with his Dad for my gift from him. I would have certainly done with same with Emily, if she had asked. But she did not.
I said something to my husband last night about it. He actually agreed. He was the one that suggested she leave on New Years day too. I am not going to react to my thoughts now. But, I do plan on saying something to her at some point.
So with the theme of a new year.. Out with Old and In with the New, doesn't really hold true when you have a child that is an addict. Seems more like same old, same old. Entitlement. That's the word that sums it up.