Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Saturday, July 31, 2010

April 12, 1990

After reading my dear friend's blog today: The Happy Hausfrau , I got to thinking about Emily's birth. Several times , from the psychiatrist, therapists, etc.. I was asked how my pregnancy and delivery went with Emily. I have to say, I like when they ask that, because I do believe there is some valuable information somewhere in that.

I was married in May. My first and my husband's second marriage. I was preggo by Aug. I know this, because I took took at least 11 EPT tests and they all showed up the same. I believe I started my pregnancy in denial. By our First Anniversary, I had a 5 week old beautiful little girl.

Let's just say, I was sick from day 1. Throwing up, weak. We moved from Columbus Ohio to Cleveland OH. My husband was transferred , as a consultant for NASA, and we all know that is gov't funded.. the funding fell thru.. and there we were... Luckily my Mom was close by , along with other family. My husband found another job with another company instead of moving back to Columbus. I had a job, Great Expectations, a dating service. I had been with MatchMaker Int'l. for years in Columbus. I made great money, working part time, because his divorce attorney was one of my clients and she sent me ALL her friends. But, I went with Great Expectations in Cleveland, because it closer to our new love nest. Once I started showing, they put in the back call center, let's just say, that's not for me. So I quit. Good thing.

I was hospitalized many times, due to dehydration. I was sick.. sick all the time. I wondered to myself, how can all these woman say they loved being pregnant? What's there to love about this?

I babysat my cousin's. After our first weekend of babysitting, my uncle called me. He said, we are laughing so hard, but I must tell you.. you have been putting the diapers on backwards! OMG.. I can't be a Mom, I can't even put on a diaper!

I seriously thought Emily would be a gymnast. Doing aerobics in my stomach. Then she would hiccup... for hours. She was sucking her thumb in one ultra sound.

My water broke.. a week or 2 early. Off the hosp.. It was 18 hours of pure pain. Back labor. The epidural didn't work. I wanted my husband to put on his boots and kick my back as hard as he could. Forget the breathing and calming photo.

She was in distress. They put a monitor on her head and a oxygen mask on me, which I remember briefly throwing across the room with some not so nice words.

I push and pushed for hours on end.. that all my body from the face to the toes were swollen. I honestly wanted a c-section! 18 hours later Emily arrived.. I didn't see her.. they swept her away.. did that test scale on her.. I forget the name of it.. and worked on her.. I have no idea what they did. After about 20 minutes they handed her to my husband... I was not happy, and I remember screaming.. let me hold her, let me see her. By the time I got her, she was all cleaned up and swalled in a blanket. I learned on my 2nd delivery, they come out blue and slimmy. I had no idea.. and that was a shock.. but that's another story.

She didn't really want to come out into this world or wasn't ready.. even back then. She gave me a hard time for 8 months inside of me. Needles , bags hooked up to me many times to hydrate me. The nurses all said, the girls take from you and the boys give to you. I find that true. She took from me, all that I had.

However, as hard as being pregnant and her delivery was, you know that love for your child, first baby... it's goes much deeper than pain, sickness and much more pure than anything I have ever experienced.

But if I could ask Fraud about it, I would. Maybe it would all make sense.

That's the hard part of addiction... to remember the beautiful, perfect, Innocent baby you brought into this world, with all the hopes and dreams for them. I am telling you.. many people said I should send her picture in for the new Gerber Baby. I think her first words were long eyelashes.. that's all she heard from anybody and all strangers.

I am glad I have a lot of good memories of my beautiful baby.

Friday, July 30, 2010

By Tuesday, All things Changed

I went to see my sister in law on Monday and Tuesday. She is stage 4 Breast Cancer. She has 1 type of chemo left to try and they will try towards the end. The end is, near, nobody knows how near thou. I have avoided contacting her and seeing her.. I don't do well with cancer. I am sorry I did that.. we have a lot to catch up on and memories to make. So I am hers for the rest of the summer. I love her sense of humor, she made it easy for me.. morbid, but easy, with statements like "over my dead body" to her husband.
It was 4:30 pm on Tuesday, I just hugged, kissed Carol good bye, had my key in the ignition, ready for my 3.5 hour drive home. My phone rang, it was Emily's area code. All I heard was a wail and the words Maaama.

My heart dropped... Calm down tell me what's wrong, I am close to your city, I can be there in an hour. I am thinking she is in the hosp, something happened and accident.. my mind and heart are racing....

Her words were : "come get me or I am getting kicked out"

Huh? We just had a beautiful day 2 or 3 days ago.

It was like pulling teeth to find out or sort thru... when in fact, I should have just hung up. Because I am now reaching for my beta blockers that I was given when I was so sick. Treat the symptoms were the words in the back of my head. Don't let this get you again. I shoulda hung up.

She got a music scholarship. Her first class was Tuesday. How does that go to I am being kicked out? 0 to 100 in 2 seconds .. that's how.

Apparently, she skipped her first class to meet "the boy". I had found out on Saturday, "the boy" was on a binge, nobody could find him. He is a drunk, shows up at meetings drunk, is bad news. He is 25 or 26 with 2 little kids from 2 different women. That's his background.

She got caught. Lying again about this boy. They want to ask me to leave. I need to come home. Once I got the gist of it, because I never get the whole thing. I was livid. And I was livid she was able to make me livid again. Urggg. I said coming home is not an option. She said, then they will take me to homeless shelter. I said, it's your choices. Quickly the phone was being taken from her and I was told she is not allowed on the phone. Fine with me, wish I never answered it in the first place.

So I found out she had a meeting with the head guy, Mike , Wed AM. I was waiting, walking aimlessly around my home, I guess pacing is the right word. Around noonish, I left a message for her counselor. She called me back, I was in the shower.. missed her call. BUT this is what she said...

It's out of her hands now. There is nothing she can do. Mike is letting her stay at least until Monday. On Monday there is another meeting, with higher ups and all staff and Emily will be on their agenda. They will make a decision about her then. Her counselor said, I am fighting for her, but it's on deaf ears, because it's beyond me now. IF they do let her stay after Monday, it will be very tough for her and she will be forced to take her recovery and their program seriously or she will be taken to the local Salvation Army, given resources to find a shelter.

Talk about falling on deaf ears. I had just listed all the good things this place has done for her and all the hard work she was doing for her recovery. A music scholarship.. does it get any better?? All I can think, is it must.. at least in her eyes.

I spoke with her best friend via facebook. She explained to me, Emily has never made this far in her recovery seriously. Right now she is uncomfortable and she needs to learn being uncomfortable is the new better. Really made sense to me, as far as addiction is concerned.

Another woman in her house send me a message. She said she and Emily were headed out to a class last night together. She planned on trying to talk some sense into Emily. Get some alone time with her and help her. This woman is done with the program, but is choosing to continue the program because she feels she is not ready for the real world yet and has all she needs where she is right now. She is mature, 36, radiating light from herself, a peaceful confidence you can just see.

All I could do is thank them. Tell them I appreciate their time and willingness to help and not give up on her. Because at this point, I have to give up and detach for my health. I can not go backwards healthy wise. They are doing what I can't, and I am very grateful.

AND, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for Monday morning to hear the decision. I have Justin painting my kitchen/family room. I am meeting with my friends for long lost lunches and taking care of myself. I have to. Not easy.. but I am doing it.

Last Saturday

Last Saturday, I took Emily's friend Justin up to see her. Justin left August of 08 for the wilderness program and then an 18 month rehab in AZ. Emily left July of 08 for her therapy school. These 2 have not seen each other in 2 years. I heard from the girls at her house, that she was a nervous wreck all morning. I could tell when we pulled up. It wasn't 10 minutes later, I heard the belly laughs from them, that I instantly remembered from when they were in the 7th and 8th grades.
Since Emily was moved back in her phases, due to "that boy", we had to stick around the house. I took a picnic, we were "allowed" to walk to Drug Mart. And funny how things change.. the house mother that day, had visitors, her sister and nephew.. who happened to live in our old town in Cleveland. After they came, we were "allowed" to venture off the grounds.. go take in a show or meal, but by that time it was too late. We got ice cream instead.
It was a fun day, had by all. I was so happy to see these 2 back together and sober. This is one friend she had before all the addiction started. There are not many of these left. So it meant a lot to me and I believe to them.
Emily even commented that it felt so good to laugh so hard again with him, without the added stress of wondering where the vodka or oxy's were going to come from. Just plain fun.
Justin and I drove back, well he drove my car and we talked. We talked a lot. I learned somethings and he said.. quite a few things that I said to him, really rang a bell in his head.
Good times. for sure.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Boys Boys Boys

With every good day.. or every happy moment comes the fall.
9 times out of 10 it has to do with boys or drama.
This one has to do with boys.

Emily mentioned to me, she had a "date" the next day after I saw her last. I went right into my "no speeches" mode.. but I have a few things to say. Do you really need this now? You are doing so well.. boys are a distraction. I guess a date means coffee at Starbucks when you are sober. But still... It didn't help she went on to tell me, he is 25 and went to her old "charter" school here.. I use the terms charter and school very loosely. But still no speeches.. except.. your an adult.. you can make your own choices and they don't have to effect me .. I will never tell you.. my heart is beating just a bit faster and I may not get restful sleep tonight.. but you won't know that my red flag is up.

Fast froward.. last Tuesday.. phone rings.. it's her.. I am ready to tell her what I good I had with her , etc.. BUT, she is crying... I want to come home. I can't do this anymore. I have 6 months clean and sober... and it means nothing..
Ok dear.. what's going on?? Well they found out I lied. Lied about what?? That date. The date you told me about?? Yeah , that one.. I am not "allowed" to date. You aren't? I didn't know that?? Well I didn't tell you.. it's part of my plan right now. Can I just come home?? They put back in Phase 1 for 3 more weeks! Can you believe they did that. What about my 6 months sober?? Does that mean anything?? They are pushing me backwards, when I need congratulations and positive reinforcement.
Oh and.. everyone does it here.. they don't punish them.. why me? They have it out for me. I don't understand why the rules bend for some and not me.

Well Emily... no you can't come home.. and I don't like being put in the position of saying this.
And further more.. I do not "do" lies. If you lied here once.. you would be out on the street, because I / we are done with it all that.
I will use your words back to you now: here's a straw, suck it up.

Thursday: Can I pleassssssssssse come home?? I got a check mark for talking to a boy at a meeting. Talking, just talking, can you believe that? This is not working for me... I can't do this anymore... I am sick of treatment centers.

Sorry Emily, you can't come home. Call a meeting with your counselor and staff and state the facts and ask your questions, take care of it yourself.

Oh and by the way... life is full of consequences and things we don't like, it's how you handle it that makes the difference. I gotta go. Love you, bye.

I have been sending this message to her consistently, yet yesterday and today I got 2 more calls from her, wanting the same thing.

Here's the other part: Her friend that went to treatment a week after she did, 2 years ago.. is back here at home now. His roommates relapsed. His parents brought him home. Took him 1 day to hook up the boy that had first presented heroin to Emily.. who had our credit cards in his back pocket when he they were arrested.. and whose family let Emily in after jail and enabled them both and who is now a shell of a person and major junkie. These 2 boys went to an all night party on campus Saturday night...
Think any of this has anything to do with her wanting to come home???
I am many things.. but I am no longer stupid where old names and addiction come up.

I am thankful she is safe and sober and I am trying not to let it get to me.

Monday, July 12, 2010

*A Good Day*

I spent last Saturday with my daughter and her best friend from her rehab house. They were all smiles.. I think we sang to my "old school" CD's til we were hoarse and we laughed til my sides hurt.
She only had an 8 hour pass. Since there is not a lot to do in the little town they are in.. we headed to Cleveland. How much can you cram into 8 hours?? Let me tell you.. you can cram a lot and spend a lot!
We visited old neighbors, friends, family, had lunch, shopped. Let me add, she asked for nothing.. shopping was my thing. Is this real? Is this my daughter??
She said she has a few more things to do before she can move to the next phase. One them being getting her temps. This will be the 4th time for that. I would never allow a known drug user on the road on my watch. I said.. well let's get that done today. She said no Mom. They are setting small goals like this for me to become an adult. I have to do this by myself. I have to make it happen. I am like.. I can deal with this!
I feel like we all 3 were glowing, like people wanted what we have. Never in my life have I felt that. Their happiness, laughter was contagious.
It was a long day for me.. 2 hours to her house, 1 hour to Cleveland, 1 hour back to her house and another 2 hours home. Her pass was from 1pm to 9pm. I didnt' get home until after 11pm.. I am old.. I was tired.. but it was a happy tired. It wasn't a ton of bricks on my shoulders tired.
I needed that!! Well we all did.
The girls were ... so grateful... so thankful.. over and over... I am pinching her.. asking are you for real?? Is this my daughter? is this a friend of hers?? They would laugh and call me by nick name.. Yes, kelbell.. it's all real and sincere.
For now I will take it.