Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Saturday, July 31, 2010

April 12, 1990

After reading my dear friend's blog today: The Happy Hausfrau , I got to thinking about Emily's birth. Several times , from the psychiatrist, therapists, etc.. I was asked how my pregnancy and delivery went with Emily. I have to say, I like when they ask that, because I do believe there is some valuable information somewhere in that.

I was married in May. My first and my husband's second marriage. I was preggo by Aug. I know this, because I took took at least 11 EPT tests and they all showed up the same. I believe I started my pregnancy in denial. By our First Anniversary, I had a 5 week old beautiful little girl.

Let's just say, I was sick from day 1. Throwing up, weak. We moved from Columbus Ohio to Cleveland OH. My husband was transferred , as a consultant for NASA, and we all know that is gov't funded.. the funding fell thru.. and there we were... Luckily my Mom was close by , along with other family. My husband found another job with another company instead of moving back to Columbus. I had a job, Great Expectations, a dating service. I had been with MatchMaker Int'l. for years in Columbus. I made great money, working part time, because his divorce attorney was one of my clients and she sent me ALL her friends. But, I went with Great Expectations in Cleveland, because it closer to our new love nest. Once I started showing, they put in the back call center, let's just say, that's not for me. So I quit. Good thing.

I was hospitalized many times, due to dehydration. I was sick.. sick all the time. I wondered to myself, how can all these woman say they loved being pregnant? What's there to love about this?

I babysat my cousin's. After our first weekend of babysitting, my uncle called me. He said, we are laughing so hard, but I must tell you.. you have been putting the diapers on backwards! OMG.. I can't be a Mom, I can't even put on a diaper!

I seriously thought Emily would be a gymnast. Doing aerobics in my stomach. Then she would hiccup... for hours. She was sucking her thumb in one ultra sound.

My water broke.. a week or 2 early. Off the hosp.. It was 18 hours of pure pain. Back labor. The epidural didn't work. I wanted my husband to put on his boots and kick my back as hard as he could. Forget the breathing and calming photo.

She was in distress. They put a monitor on her head and a oxygen mask on me, which I remember briefly throwing across the room with some not so nice words.

I push and pushed for hours on end.. that all my body from the face to the toes were swollen. I honestly wanted a c-section! 18 hours later Emily arrived.. I didn't see her.. they swept her away.. did that test scale on her.. I forget the name of it.. and worked on her.. I have no idea what they did. After about 20 minutes they handed her to my husband... I was not happy, and I remember screaming.. let me hold her, let me see her. By the time I got her, she was all cleaned up and swalled in a blanket. I learned on my 2nd delivery, they come out blue and slimmy. I had no idea.. and that was a shock.. but that's another story.

She didn't really want to come out into this world or wasn't ready.. even back then. She gave me a hard time for 8 months inside of me. Needles , bags hooked up to me many times to hydrate me. The nurses all said, the girls take from you and the boys give to you. I find that true. She took from me, all that I had.

However, as hard as being pregnant and her delivery was, you know that love for your child, first baby... it's goes much deeper than pain, sickness and much more pure than anything I have ever experienced.

But if I could ask Fraud about it, I would. Maybe it would all make sense.

That's the hard part of addiction... to remember the beautiful, perfect, Innocent baby you brought into this world, with all the hopes and dreams for them. I am telling you.. many people said I should send her picture in for the new Gerber Baby. I think her first words were long eyelashes.. that's all she heard from anybody and all strangers.

I am glad I have a lot of good memories of my beautiful baby.

1 comment:

  1. Awwww Kelly, this is beautiful! I am always hoping and praying that the two of you end with a lot more good memories, some day. Remembering them as new babies is hard, isn't it? I love you!