Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Thursday, January 26, 2012

No Real Point of This Post

There is no real point this post.. just because I am in a limbo stage.  Do I turn this way or go that way or stay still? 

There has been no word from Emily.  Which I guess no new is good news.  Except, as the program goes, she was able to send mail and receive mail within 45 to 60 days... except if she keeps getting in trouble, which must be the case, because it's been over 90 days.  So my liberal, no rules daughter is still fighting the system.  I say that, as I am inhaling, I can only exhale with it because she is still there. 

I, personally am all over the board, which results in spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing.  Yes, I am ADD, but a medicated one... so this spinning is bugging me. 

For example, I have 2 new addictions.  Pintrest and Houzz.  They are exactly what I used to do with my little online "deco group" back in the 90's.  There were 8 of us that met on an AOL decorating board and broke off to form our little group.  We posted links, project ideas, decorating tips to each other.  We went as far to take actual photos of our before and after projects, take the film to the drug store to be developed and ran home to scan and upload them to each other.  This little group motivated me!  In fact I just found all the pictures of some my "projects".. including the mauve, burgundy, gold glazed ceiling I did in my kitchen in my old house.  So I thought, great!  Pintrest and Houzz will motivate me again!  But, all I do is put things on my boards or ideabox.  I sorta feel like I completed a project by doing that, but that's far from reality! 

I do not "feel" good.  I can't pinpoint it and I have a long list of excuses for it.  Like I am not gonna tell my doctor, she will just want me to go on lexapro or something.  Let's not forget it's the most depressing time of year, or at least it is in Ohio... that's a great excuse for me!  My mood matches the weather!  That's it!  Hey at least I recognize I am in a funk! 

So what do I do? I go buy Zumba for Wii.  I will do that every morning!  That lasted 2 weeks.  My husband said, we should give up the club membership, nobody uses it.  I said , let's use it together!  Let's meet at lunch and workout!  Ok, we have done that 3 whole times.  I was out of town, then he's been out of town.  God forbid, either us go without each other! 

I keep hearing about the Wheatbelly diet.  So I spent yesterday reading about it.  I even got up, stepped away from the computer, got a box and my goal was to get rid of the wheat things in my pantry.  Well, crap, I just went grocery shopping, I would be wasting all that money!  Put the box away.  So I thought, I will be good and make myself a Lean Cusine for lunch.  A few bake potatoes bites, broccoli and cheese.  Seems like that would fit the wheat belly diet.  Wrong!  In darken letters on the back, it says this product contains Milk and Wheat.  My dinner when my husband is out of town is either toast or Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup.. that would be out!  Boy, maybe this diet isn't for me after all.  But, I will try to more conscious.  I have not had a baked good, toast, bread or pasta for 2 whole days!  That's progress isn't it?

Let's not get into my research on tryamine.  I guess I would have to go RAW and I don't see that happening!  I am all about connivance, but I don't have to be.. I am not working, I am not doing a house project.  I could do it, but where is that motivation? 

Speaking of not working.  I was making necklaces.  I sold well over 100.  I am still selling them off and on.  I certainly go on line an buy what I think I "need".  The USP man comes almost daily with my little crystal packages.  I go to the point of opening the package, putting them on my work desk, because if I put them away in the labeled containers I have, I will forget I have them and reorder them.  I have a friend who knows owners of a few little shops that would love to sell my stuff and will buy them outright.  She is just waiting for me to complete my inventory.  She might be waiting awhile, I am just not motivated. 

I watched the Anderson Show yesterday.  I got mad!  It was on parents calling the police on their teen child.  Have any of these parents walked in my shoes, that said if you have to call the police to parent your own child you are a failure.  I almost got the motivation to write a post on the Anderson site.. but I didn't.  Last time I did that, the show called me to be on it.  That's for another post on another day.

Oh, I look at Craigslist for job postings.  I might go as far as sending an email, but never my resume.  That would require commitment and I am not ready for that! 

It's now almost 3pm, I am dressed.  I have talked to my friend, whom I met on ODR, we talk daily.  I have made dinner, I have done my researching for the day, I got my package from the UPS man.  I made several phone calls, but let me tell you, we have gotten about 2 inches of rain, it's cold out and the dog has not even got out of her cage to out and do her business.. maybe I can't do anything today because I am waiting for her to get up?  Good excuse as any! 

I hoping I get a letter from Emily and I hope I quit spinning my wheels doing nothing soon!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Non-Addicts and Surgery

My best friend from high school had back surgery two weeks ago.  Since I have had 3 of them and I know pain, I offered to help her this week.  I had to keep several things in mind.  She did not choose to take my advice and get a 2nd opinion, so she got her back fused, there are 3 screws and a metal cage around her back now.  I don't know, but my doctor told me that is a last resort for me.  I was also about 15 years younger than we are now.  And I told her my story of how God has a lesson .. I pushed myself too much after the first one and didn't listen to the doctor, I felt better, pain free, so that gave me a license to go back to my normal life, of super mom.. the word No was not in my vocabulary.. so God said you didn't learn, let's do this again and again, til you 'get it'. 

But, what really scared me for her and still does, the amount of meds she is on.  Oxy's, perc's , muscle relaxers.  The words she says , echos in my head.  " I am taking as directed by my doctor".  I realize the pain is high, I realize in today's world, there is no reason to be pain.  But, I also realize how quickly a person can become dependent on them.  And it scares the shit out of me!  I realize the meds do her talking now.  So if I question it, she says my doctor said I only have to be on them for 2 months.  I am sure her doctor didn't tell her that is enough time to become dependent on them.  I just told her, I am so sorry for your pain.  Pain is a horrible cycle.  But, I also want you to understand and have knowledge of what these meds do or can do to a person.  I told her, let's talk in 2 months, but I can't go thru this my best friend from high school too.  All I want is for you to be aware... just aware.  I am not sure how "aware" a person can be on all those meds.  I heard the "excuses", like the oxy's kill my pain, but don't make my head fuzzy.  I am allowed to have 2 muscle relaxers and 2 perc's at the same time. 

And all this scares me for her.  Or for anyone who has to be put on a cocktail like this for pain.  Our lives can change so quickly, and not for the better.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

10 Things About Me

I am copying from Anna's blog: Letgohangon.  She has had pretty much one of the worst years of anyone I know and managed to find 7 great things about herself and keep going in a positive manner.  And, it was a refreshing post compared to the subject of addiction.  So, Thanks Anna, copying is the highest form of flattery .. right?

1.  Most people think I am an "Ohio girl".  I was born in KY and got my wedding dress in KY.  I have lived in Exton, PA, Edina, MN, Fairview Park, OH twice.  Rocky River , OH and Sylvania, OH. 

2.  I used to love big parties!  Hosting them, going to them and participating in them.  Now, I enjoy a quality time with a few friends.  I tend to pass on the massive get-to-gethers anymore. 

3.  I love things like energy, crystals, polarity, reiki.  I believe intentions are very important. I believe you get what you put out there.  I believe the universe puts people in our lives at exactly the right time.  I would not consider myself a religious person, but more a spiritual person. 

4.  I have a small family.  My father and I never made amends while he was alive and I am ok with that.  My mom married a man that I can not relate to, due to his own upbringing, we just don't gel and I wish we did.  My brother is 18 months younger than me.  He had a liver transplant about 4 years ago and is drinking.  Again, I can not relate.  It breaks my heart, I wish it wasn't like that.  I love his kids, but his wife keeps us apart, maybe due to Emily?  Maybe she thought I did a bad job?  I don't know, but I wish that wasn't the case and I wish there were more siblings in my family.

5.  I like to give more than receive.  I never know what to say when someone "gives" to me.  Like I don't deserve it or something.  But giving fills my heart... and that does feel good.  If I see something I know a friend will like, I will pick it up for them.  I love making dinners for families in need.  I love donating to the food pantry.  I love just surprising somebody with something little that might make their day.  If someone calls me for help or resource for addiction, I am there to help anytime.

6.  This is hard for me to admit, but I am a reality tv junkie.  I tell my husband that I am a "people person" so these interactions interest me.  Weather it's Storage Wars, Intervention, Housewives, Jersey Shore.. it will be on my ddr.

7.  I have a major fear of the dentist.  I really don't like surgeries either or I will go a step farther, hospitals.  I avoid them.  I will be glad to make a dinner for someone after they have been there, but as far as me going to visit.. that's harder for me.

8.  I think kids are funny... oh and smart!  Their minds and bodies full wonder is so cool to me! 

9.  I am not very good at it, but I do love to do "crafty" things or create.  I like to paint, bead, make stuff. 

10.  I have been "in charge" of many things.  PTA, PTO, benefits, school fundraisers, boosters, etc and what I have learned is you can't do it all yourself and if you have a good group you can do amazing things. 

Monday, January 9, 2012


My Mom turned 70 today. 

I did not get her anything.  Not that I forgot it was her birthday.  I did forget it was a big one.  Or did I?  Maybe even for me, 70 is big.  It's in your face that you are on borrowed time.. and I don't want to think about it.  I know it's just a number and you are only as young as feel, etc.  But come on, let's get real, 70 is big, bodies don't work the same as they did when they were 30, 40, 50 or even 60. 

I didn't even want to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday.  Partly, because I knew how she was feeling about this.  But I did call.  And I told her, I am not even 50 and there is nothing I want or need and I know you feel the same, but I will get you something, just what I am not sure yet.  Of course she was fine with it.  She always says don't spend your money on me and I get that, because I say the same to my kids and I mean it.  You can't take it with you. 

But I did find out, she is going to lunch with girlfriends at this resort we stayed at last Christmas.  So I called the resort and got an anti-aging facial for her and they will present it to her at lunch.  Maybe it will make it feel better?  Anything with words "anti-aging" has to be good .. right?

I don't want to go all sappy into what a great Mom she was.  She knows it, I know it and I am very lucky in many ways with her and all her love and support and lucky to still have her around.  The other gift I will give her, will be one she won't know about.  I will answer the phone every time I see her number pop up.  I will respond to her emails within 24 hours.  I won't blow it off and think .."oh, it's just my Mom, I can get back to her". 

So I am raising my glass to my Mom today!  Happy Birthday Mom!  You are the best!  I feel loved and supported by you and that means more than anything to me!  Cheers! 
Oh... and many more!
Love you!