Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My Old Feelings are Coming Back :(

I have worked really hard to detach, let go, move on , be present, , I know I wear myself out. Willing myself not to be involved, set my boundaries, take care of me. You know the drill.

But every once in awhile, I slip back. I go to that place where I say to myself.. I wish.. I wish I could have what they have. They being a Mother and Daughter to have "normal" relationship. To laugh, to do something together, to have quality time. For me to surprise her and say, let's take a day together and get our nails done, have lunch, smile and laugh.

In the beginning, I could barely go to the grocery store or Mall without being jealous of other Mothers and their Daughters.. it was too much for me. Times I did go out with a friend, and they would get a call from their daughter.. and it wasn't a crisis or drama, it was just normal everyday life.. I didn't and don't have that and it hurts. I am not normally a jealous person, so this was a new feeling for me. I had to deal with it, work thru it. I have and I continue to.

BUT, there are days when the old feelings come back.. and I wish I could have "it". As much as I hated it when my daughter went in my closet and borrowed something or I'd find a pair of my shoes in her room, or one of my necklaces on her bathroom counter.. that is normal and I would take it now. I would welcome it.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I talked to my sister in law ( the sick one) the morning and she mentioned these cookies she saw at the cancer center and she was thinking of making them for Christmas. They are cookies I have been making for years.. the Ritz crackers, peanut butter in the middle , dipped in chocolate.. I have it down to a science. I told her I freeze them and Emily used to eat them frozen. Maybe that started my feelings..the memory.

Maybe because I logged on facebook and I saw my friend and her daughters kind and funny posts to each other... and I got sad. I am still sad.

Maybe because the Holidays are coming up and people are shopping for fun, non necessary things for their girls and I will be thinking of a grocery store gift card up until that last minute for Emily.

It scares me I have been focused on letting go, that I could slip back to wishing and being sad so easily. And what will I do today? I will stay in the house and isolate, so I don't have to see any happy normal Mother's and Daughters out and about. I will work thru it alone.

I can love my daughter and I can do something with her, that is enabling, BUT, she won't take it that way. She will see it as a window of opportunity and I have enough recovery time myself to know this is not a possibility.

So today, I am sad, I have wishes, I have shattered dreams and hopes again. But you know, I know I have to accept it and I know tomorrow is another day.

Well I have to get outside and grab our umbrella and chairs , as the wind is kicking up to 70mp and businesses are shutting down. I will go thru motions of daily life, one foot in front of the other.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

We have an unknown Grandson

Yep Yep, it's true, we have a grandson.. unknown to us. Life sure provides us with never a dull moment around here.

My husband got an email on Thursday asking he was related to Christian. The radar goes up.. he did reply and said.. who is this, why do you want to know, but yes Christian is my son.

Christian is my husbands son from a previous marriage. It is another tragic story in our lives, in which we spent many hours in therapy and many dollars in trying to be a part of his life.
We were told over and over , by the best, being attorneys, judges, Fathers for Equality, turn the other cheek, pay your outrageous child support and move on with your lives. Easier said than done.. but in the end , we had no choice. His Ex moved to Philly in the middle of night, according the neighbors, her attorney didn't even know where she was for a long time... that was the beginning of the end.. we sent airline tickets to get him for our visitation time and she wouldn't put him on the plane. We would drive the 12 hours there to spend a weekend with him, only to have a sign on the door that would read " Come back next weekend, we have decided to go to the shore this weekend".

The last time we saw him, my husband got a call from the Philadelphia Police station. They had Christian and he and his Mother were fighting, fighting a lot .. that result in destruction of property, cars, each other. Would he come get Christian. His Mother was crazy and they were sick of dealing with her. It was suggested , in order to save the boy, we should file emergency custody. I had 2 little ones by then.. taking on a 12 year boy, who, had a lot of problems would require, a big commitment, but I was up for the challenge, it was now or never I told my husband. Ednia, my husband's ex mother in law, had always been my life line to Christian. She and I talked all the time.. She always wanted him with us. She agreed to testify against her daughter.. so we proceeded. You know that saying.. blood is thicker than water? When push came to shove.. she bailed. The judge told us.. sure you can 2nd mortgage your home, fight this woman with all you have... but bottom line.. he is 12, he can pick who he wants to live with and they always pick their abuser.. they feel responsible for them. Wow, that's a hard concept to comprehend... very hard.. I knew nothing about accept the things you can not change, but, that was my first lesson in it. That also was the last time we saw Christian.

I still kept up with him thru Ednia. I would anonymously send things he need or wanted for school, like the 8th grade t-shirt, yearbooks, etc. If his mother had known it came from me, she would have refused them, and he would do without.

The story alone, the drama, the magnitude, which at one point involved me being on the local news with moving squares on my face and the President of the National Organization of Women accusing me of giving my husband, then his ex wife, VD, herpes, genital warts.. is just one little example of the stops she pulled to keep getting an outrageous amount of child support because the judge made a mistake and she lived in a different state and we would have file to get her back here and chances of her showing up.. were nill.

I had less money to raise my kids a month than she did for 1 child. But, that was ok.. I knew karma was a bitch and I could hold my head up and have comfort we did the right thing. He was turning 18 and my husband called the child support office to have that cut off. Oh no they said.. it's not until he graduates... well that's ok.. I will just tell the catholic school, I will catch up on kids tuition in 3 months, after Christian graduates high school. Apparently, my husband's ex knew the laws too, she made sure he couldn't graduate in June, but had take summer classes. So we paid thru Aug.

The last time we saw him, as I said, he was 12. The last time we heard from him, was about 6 years ago. (seems like yesterday, but I checked the calendar). He was in a bit of trouble, spent time in jail and needed help.. He need to go to trail , have a job, have a place to live and show he was paying child support.. that was grandson number 1. We knew about this one. I suggested to my husband, he get on a plane, give him the tools..being a suit for court, work boots for his construction job, etc. But, no, my husband sent a cash money order... not for a few hundred dollars.. but a few thousand. I guess that was easier...

We have not heard from Christian since. I did locate him on myspace years ago.. and he definitely looked scary, his friends list looked like guys I would not want to meet in a dark alley at night. I can't remember the slang words for jail and stuff that they used on their wall of myspace... but it lead me to look him up on the free records site... yep .. still in custody... many many charges.. acts of terrorism, deadly weapon, intent to sell contraband's, public intoxication, failed drug test for probation, not showing up for probation, etc. A mean dude.

Then Thursday, my husband gets this email. I will tell ya what.. my response was.. I am not surprised, it was only a matter of time and this probably won't be the last time some girl comes out the wood work to locate us. I took matters into my hands. I am in protect mode. Protect my husband... because of all the hurt he has been thru with his first son.. it took years of working thru. Protect my son, as he is innocent from all of this. Protect myself, I can take no more hurt, drama or crisis.

Instead of emailing, I gave her my cell number. She called. We talked. She said she wanted to go Ireland, where she is from and finish her degree. My goal was to find out her intentions, what does she want? Why did she feel the need to find and contact us? She "seems" like a nice girl. Single Mom raising a son, he is 5.5 years old... cute age. She works full time, has a 4 year degree, wants a phd, contributes to society, etc. Has never met, nor does she want to ever meet my husband's ex, has nothing to say good about Christian, except she felt deceived by him. She told me he is a crack addict and angle dust addict. He is a dealer. At one point she had hope for him, but now she realizes he is too far gone. She would like to meet and have us meet her son.

Here is what I said: We had Christian yanked from our lives, it took a lot to get over that, and you never really get over it entirely, we can't have that wound reopened. I have a daughter, I have lost and mourn daily. To meet you and your son and have you move to Ireland, is not something we can do. I am in protect mode.

Ya know what? She agreed. She said what I was thinking.. well lets all just sit on it for awhile and I will let you know my decision about Ireland soon, as I have to make that decision soon for Spring Quarter.

I said, perfect. I want you to know thou, as far health, if you son ever need bone marrow, or records.. I will gladly provide them and I know we all would contribute that way. I will be glad to give you any history of the family you want, as I know it.

Only people with an addict in their family will understand my next thoughts. People come into our lives a certain time for a certain reason.. I believe that. I have had these bad thoughts of my daughter.. we all know, drugs kill. One over dose can do it. One accident. One more theft will put her away for awhile. Maybe this boy was brought in our lives to provide joy from the hell that might be around the corner for us. I don't know.. I don't have a crystal ball.

As I said, never a dull moment here...

But for now, we are all "sitting" on it.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I am Ok, Whatever Works for You, I am Still Here...

All recent blog titles by fellow bloggers that have children that have addiction issues. It also about sums up how I was going to title this blog entry. Because...
1. I am ok
2. I agree with whatever works for you. While it may not work for someone else, if it works for you... great.
3. I am still here

My husband had another eye retina surgery today. Seems like it went better than the ones in the past. It's still his eye, and since both eyes have detached retinas, it must be taken seriously and instructions to be followed. This does not come stress free, especially for him.

On the Emily front. I really wish I wasn't so "sensitive" , intuitive, or have the Mother 6th sense. I try to avoid it, ignore it, pretend I don't "feel" something. But, I have it and I acted on it. I called Aarica's Mom last night. Aarica was Emily's best friend in the Beacon House program. She told me she kicked Aarica out about 3 weeks ago. As she had gotten a call from Aarica's work saying she was not in any condition to be working. Due to the fact she was using.
I am not good in math.. but it doesn't take much to add 1 + 1 = 2. Emily has been hanging out with Aarica again for the last 2 weeks.

I have not, personally , talked to Emily in a long time. My husband speaks to her daily. I get messages or calls from others about her. Even thou, I say, I don't want to know... and remind them she is an adult. But, here is the way it stands, as I know it. She is moving back to Columbus. She has been down here the last 2 weekends without contacting us. She has found a place to live, some guy, who is one of her girlfriends, boyfriends, friend. Since she has no friends here, or should I say, since she only knows drug users here, you can add up to where she will be living. She does not need any money ( go figure). She does not need help moving. ( go figure).
So let me do the math 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.

I was asked, today, by a good friend, what am I going to do when I get that call she needs help, she needs a program. In the past, I have been ultimately organized, plan A, B and C. Phone numbers, contacts ready. But, I had a hard time answering that question today. I am not sure I answered the question.

Because today
1. I am ok
2. It is working for me, what I am choosing to do
3. I am still around

For today, all things are how they are suppose to be.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Space

Among the normal craziness of raising teens, add to it an addict teen... life as you knew it or wanted it is out the window. It's taken alot.. to find "my space". I have worked hard .. very hard.. and I can't say my work is done, I don't think it will ever be. Someone suggest I print and read my thread on ODR. ODR is the Opiate Detox Recovery board. The beginning of this blog is from there, as I was trying to transfer it all over... But, they wanted to point out to me, how far I have actually come. I am glad I spent the time rereading .. because I have found "my space".

What "My Space" is to me:

* a place where I decide what I let in and what I don't

* gives me peace, that I don't have to engage or I can engage

* doesn't judge me and tries like heck to not to judge others

* gives me comfort

* sets my boundaries

* keeps things in balance for me

* keeps me going

* keeps me safe

* calms me instantly

* is a necessary part of my recovery and health

* gives me hope

I have found that, maybe, I was given this journey to find "My Space". I am not sure I would found it otherwise.


Saturday, October 9, 2010

Help! She Is Pulling An EMILY On Me!

This is a statement from a phone call I got from a friend of mine, S, yesterday. The thought has been with me. Awhhh so there is now a name for what our addict kids do..It's called "doing an Emily". For some bizarre reason there is comfort in that. Maybe it's that I am not alone, maybe it's that someone is listening to me and recognizes the signs, maybe it's that I can lending an ear to someone else in crisis, I don't know..

S's daughter has reached rock bottom. Charges, Felonies, Detox, thin, sick, sad. After detox last week, she is waiting.. waiting for a warrant to turn herself in or a court date for a judge to decided her fate, jail or a 2 year rehab.

This is where Pulling An Emily comes in.. it's those in between days. Those days waiting for a bed or a phone call back from a program or a court date.. that limbo time. That critical time... where the blame and bargaining starts. Where the scheming, justifying, half truths, their truths, come shining thru.

This is when a parent realizes how bad really it is. Beyond logic. There is no logic with an addict in this state of mind. This is when our radar goes up, we can "babysit".. but if they want their DOC, they can get it. This is where you can not waiver.. I told her. All the begging, pleading, compromising, schemes, justifications... can not have any impact on you. Hold true to your bottom line.. This is where you will check the phone call list, do searches, watch every movement, this is exhausting.. but you can not engage or waiver.

This is where you realize just how much love you have for your child. This is where you look at your adult child and feel so terribly sorry for them, they didn't want this, they are hurting, they have a disease..and it's taking them down. This is also where, they can manage to get you angry, anger you never thought you had. This is where if they know they are leaving as soon as a bed opens up, they might as well, have that last hurrah.

Pulling An Emily is an awful place to be.

My friend said to me, Kelly, I have learned such so much from Emily and your journey, it has been invaluable to me when dealing with my own daughter. I hate to say, "well, good", I am glad our story is helping someone else... but if that's what comes out of it, and saves another, it's all good.


Friday, October 1, 2010

Does It Ever Go Away??

At this point in time, I don't think it ever goes away, even if I was on vacation, without a cell phone, I don't think it goes away. But no need to worry to about a vacation because kids cost too much money and probably soon, no need to worry about a cell phone, because kids cost a lot of money....

The worst possible out come for my son. Lost 50% of his sport. What coach wants a student only 50%?? Lost his title of Captain. Lost his dignity and respect.
Awhh but we have a friend who is a lawyer. I don't know what kind of deal he would or could give us, but he feels we have case. Kids cost a lot of money.

Spent the day touring a State College for my son ( Ohio University). Beautiful day, weather, with friends, etc. And then.. the presentation.. the clubs, the help, the dorms, the food, the games, the tuition.. 22K for year. Oh that's right... kids cost money.

On that phone I probably won't be able to afford anymore.. came a text from Emily. I got a letter today.. I don't understand it. I am being named as tenet of Apt C in a foreclosure suit. By the way, heat is included in my rent and the heat is not on. My refrigerator broke and my landlord/owner is not answer his phone. ( maybe it's turned off, like mine will be soon) The county is going after the lender, owner and tenets for tax leans.

Will this require a lawyer? Will this cost us in loss of deposit, first and last months rent? Probably.

Oh lets not even go into what to do next with her. I say she can't come home. I also say, we can't keep affording to set her up in apartments or programs. I can't even go into how I feel, because deep down, I don't know if she is been sober. My husband believes 100% she is and has been sober, but wouldn't be surprised if he is wrong.

At this point, I don't think it ever goes away, no matter how far I went or how I tried to be unreachable. And Kids Cost Money.