Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

My Old Feelings are Coming Back :(

I have worked really hard to detach, let go, move on , be present, , I know I wear myself out. Willing myself not to be involved, set my boundaries, take care of me. You know the drill.

But every once in awhile, I slip back. I go to that place where I say to myself.. I wish.. I wish I could have what they have. They being a Mother and Daughter to have "normal" relationship. To laugh, to do something together, to have quality time. For me to surprise her and say, let's take a day together and get our nails done, have lunch, smile and laugh.

In the beginning, I could barely go to the grocery store or Mall without being jealous of other Mothers and their Daughters.. it was too much for me. Times I did go out with a friend, and they would get a call from their daughter.. and it wasn't a crisis or drama, it was just normal everyday life.. I didn't and don't have that and it hurts. I am not normally a jealous person, so this was a new feeling for me. I had to deal with it, work thru it. I have and I continue to.

BUT, there are days when the old feelings come back.. and I wish I could have "it". As much as I hated it when my daughter went in my closet and borrowed something or I'd find a pair of my shoes in her room, or one of my necklaces on her bathroom counter.. that is normal and I would take it now. I would welcome it.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I talked to my sister in law ( the sick one) the morning and she mentioned these cookies she saw at the cancer center and she was thinking of making them for Christmas. They are cookies I have been making for years.. the Ritz crackers, peanut butter in the middle , dipped in chocolate.. I have it down to a science. I told her I freeze them and Emily used to eat them frozen. Maybe that started my feelings..the memory.

Maybe because I logged on facebook and I saw my friend and her daughters kind and funny posts to each other... and I got sad. I am still sad.

Maybe because the Holidays are coming up and people are shopping for fun, non necessary things for their girls and I will be thinking of a grocery store gift card up until that last minute for Emily.

It scares me I have been focused on letting go, that I could slip back to wishing and being sad so easily. And what will I do today? I will stay in the house and isolate, so I don't have to see any happy normal Mother's and Daughters out and about. I will work thru it alone.

I can love my daughter and I can do something with her, that is enabling, BUT, she won't take it that way. She will see it as a window of opportunity and I have enough recovery time myself to know this is not a possibility.

So today, I am sad, I have wishes, I have shattered dreams and hopes again. But you know, I know I have to accept it and I know tomorrow is another day.

Well I have to get outside and grab our umbrella and chairs , as the wind is kicking up to 70mp and businesses are shutting down. I will go thru motions of daily life, one foot in front of the other.

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