Yep Yep, it's true, we have a grandson.. unknown to us. Life sure provides us with never a dull moment around here.
My husband got an email on Thursday asking he was related to Christian. The radar goes up.. he did reply and said.. who is this, why do you want to know, but yes Christian is my son.
Christian is my husbands son from a previous marriage. It is another tragic story in our lives, in which we spent many hours in therapy and many dollars in trying to be a part of his life.
We were told over and over , by the best, being attorneys, judges, Fathers for Equality, turn the other cheek, pay your outrageous child support and move on with your lives. Easier said than done.. but in the end , we had no choice. His Ex moved to Philly in the middle of night, according the neighbors, her attorney didn't even know where she was for a long time... that was the beginning of the end.. we sent airline tickets to get him for our visitation time and she wouldn't put him on the plane. We would drive the 12 hours there to spend a weekend with him, only to have a sign on the door that would read " Come back next weekend, we have decided to go to the shore this weekend".
The last time we saw him, my husband got a call from the Philadelphia Police station. They had Christian and he and his Mother were fighting, fighting a lot .. that result in destruction of property, cars, each other. Would he come get Christian. His Mother was crazy and they were sick of dealing with her. It was suggested , in order to save the boy, we should file emergency custody. I had 2 little ones by then.. taking on a 12 year boy, who, had a lot of problems would require, a big commitment, but I was up for the challenge, it was now or never I told my husband. Ednia, my husband's ex mother in law, had always been my life line to Christian. She and I talked all the time.. She always wanted him with us. She agreed to testify against her daughter.. so we proceeded. You know that saying.. blood is thicker than water? When push came to shove.. she bailed. The judge told us.. sure you can 2nd mortgage your home, fight this woman with all you have... but bottom line.. he is 12, he can pick who he wants to live with and they always pick their abuser.. they feel responsible for them. Wow, that's a hard concept to comprehend... very hard.. I knew nothing about accept the things you can not change, but, that was my first lesson in it. That also was the last time we saw Christian.
I still kept up with him thru Ednia. I would anonymously send things he need or wanted for school, like the 8th grade t-shirt, yearbooks, etc. If his mother had known it came from me, she would have refused them, and he would do without.
The story alone, the drama, the magnitude, which at one point involved me being on the local news with moving squares on my face and the President of the National Organization of Women accusing me of giving my husband, then his ex wife, VD, herpes, genital warts.. is just one little example of the stops she pulled to keep getting an outrageous amount of child support because the judge made a mistake and she lived in a different state and we would have file to get her back here and chances of her showing up.. were nill.
I had less money to raise my kids a month than she did for 1 child. But, that was ok.. I knew karma was a bitch and I could hold my head up and have comfort we did the right thing. He was turning 18 and my husband called the child support office to have that cut off. Oh no they said.. it's not until he graduates... well that's ok.. I will just tell the catholic school, I will catch up on kids tuition in 3 months, after Christian graduates high school. Apparently, my husband's ex knew the laws too, she made sure he couldn't graduate in June, but had take summer classes. So we paid thru Aug.
The last time we saw him, as I said, he was 12. The last time we heard from him, was about 6 years ago. (seems like yesterday, but I checked the calendar). He was in a bit of trouble, spent time in jail and needed help.. He need to go to trail , have a job, have a place to live and show he was paying child support.. that was grandson number 1. We knew about this one. I suggested to my husband, he get on a plane, give him the tools..being a suit for court, work boots for his construction job, etc. But, no, my husband sent a cash money order... not for a few hundred dollars.. but a few thousand. I guess that was easier...
We have not heard from Christian since. I did locate him on myspace years ago.. and he definitely looked scary, his friends list looked like guys I would not want to meet in a dark alley at night. I can't remember the slang words for jail and stuff that they used on their wall of myspace... but it lead me to look him up on the free records site... yep .. still in custody... many many charges.. acts of terrorism, deadly weapon, intent to sell contraband's, public intoxication, failed drug test for probation, not showing up for probation, etc. A mean dude.
Then Thursday, my husband gets this email. I will tell ya what.. my response was.. I am not surprised, it was only a matter of time and this probably won't be the last time some girl comes out the wood work to locate us. I took matters into my hands. I am in protect mode. Protect my husband... because of all the hurt he has been thru with his first son.. it took years of working thru. Protect my son, as he is innocent from all of this. Protect myself, I can take no more hurt, drama or crisis.
Instead of emailing, I gave her my cell number. She called. We talked. She said she wanted to go Ireland, where she is from and finish her degree. My goal was to find out her intentions, what does she want? Why did she feel the need to find and contact us? She "seems" like a nice girl. Single Mom raising a son, he is 5.5 years old... cute age. She works full time, has a 4 year degree, wants a phd, contributes to society, etc. Has never met, nor does she want to ever meet my husband's ex, has nothing to say good about Christian, except she felt deceived by him. She told me he is a crack addict and angle dust addict. He is a dealer. At one point she had hope for him, but now she realizes he is too far gone. She would like to meet and have us meet her son.
Here is what I said: We had Christian yanked from our lives, it took a lot to get over that, and you never really get over it entirely, we can't have that wound reopened. I have a daughter, I have lost and mourn daily. To meet you and your son and have you move to Ireland, is not something we can do. I am in protect mode.
Ya know what? She agreed. She said what I was thinking.. well lets all just sit on it for awhile and I will let you know my decision about Ireland soon, as I have to make that decision soon for Spring Quarter.
I said, perfect. I want you to know thou, as far health, if you son ever need bone marrow, or records.. I will gladly provide them and I know we all would contribute that way. I will be glad to give you any history of the family you want, as I know it.
Only people with an addict in their family will understand my next thoughts. People come into our lives a certain time for a certain reason.. I believe that. I have had these bad thoughts of my daughter.. we all know, drugs kill. One over dose can do it. One accident. One more theft will put her away for awhile. Maybe this boy was brought in our lives to provide joy from the hell that might be around the corner for us. I don't know.. I don't have a crystal ball.
As I said, never a dull moment here...
But for now, we are all "sitting" on it.