Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

You Are My Sunshine

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are grey, You will never dear how much I love, please don't take my sunshine away.

I sang that to my kids all the time when they were babies and toddlers.  Last year when we were doing the Grad party video, I made my husband include that song to the baby pictures of my son. 

Recently, I found it printed out on burlap and bought it.  It's sitting on my table to be framed.

I got a letter from Emily.  Here it is:

April 5, 2012


So I just got your Easter Stuff. Thank you guys so much! I cried so hard when I saw the journal and card. I want to let you know that was the most special, beautiful gift I have ever gotten. Did you make it? I love you so much, Mom. Seeing that you even thought about me, let alone love me that much is the thing that gets me through the day. And sometimes when I feel like can’t do it anymore, I think of you and Dad and Andy. How much I love you guys, what a blessing it is to have you and your love in my life. The fact this program will help me become a better person, thrus, a better daughter and sister, and how lucky I am to have such a loving and supportive family rooting for me. It gives me the strength to push through this, and of course I am doing this for me, but I want to be a good daughter and have you in my life. I always have, I think I was just blinded by my disease for a long long time.

Mom, this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Sometimes I get so frustrated with this program and I just want to throw my hands up and quit, but honestly, I have learned more about myself and life, how to cope with reality and things not going how I want them to, holding myself accountable and learning I am going to have to just accept the in life we have do lots of things we don’t want to do. I have learned I can make it through devastation, anger, pain, resentment, guilt, fear, boredom, hopelessness and heartache and not have to use drugs. I have learned I still have a long way to go. This what makes this program different than any other I have been through. That’s what makes me feel like even in a short 5 and half months I have grown more than I grew in all 20 years of my exsistance. And every day I think of you. I have realized a lot , about our relationship and looking back, I blamed you for many things that you did not deserve. Many times you tried to help or do something out of love for me. I just kicked you down , took it the wrong way or acted “selfish” making you feel beyond hurt.

Mom, I am so sorry! I could not stop using drugs and anything or anyone who tried to prevent me from doing so , I disguarded and destroyed to get the drugs I thought I needed at the time. Now that I am sober I can realize how revolting I really was. I know I may not deserve it, but please forgive me. For all the horrible things I did to you, the unbelievable pain I have caused you. The trauma, I made you victim to and just that I have always loved you with my whole heart. I just did not know how. And I look forward to the time we have now to make up for it. After all you are my Mommy. I remember you used to sing me this song as a baby and now I am gonna sing it to you through this letter.

“you are my sunshine. My only sunshine.

You make me happy when skies are grey

You will never know dear, how much I love you,

Please don’t take my sunshine away”


Hearts Em