Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Friday, February 25, 2011

How Low is Low? Prayers Please

I just haven't had the "energy" to post.
For the past 2 mornings, Emily has texted her Dad to say she wants help, will go to rehab. The house they were squatting in got busted. She was hand cuffed , but let go.. DARN! Pretty much everyone around her is being arrested or going to rehab.

She will text for awhile, saying they are breaking in cars to sleep. She texts early in the morning and quits by 10 or 11 am. I am assuming she wakes up sick, then gets a fix and forgets she wants help. She said she has not bathed in 9 days. She no access to water or food. She says she is very sick. She needs help immediately.

I can tell you, for once , my husband and I are on the same page. He is agreeing with everything and enforcing it. This makes it so much easier. One weight off the shoulders.

We are consistent in telling her.. get yourself to to detox and then we will talk. If she can get drugs, steal, convince the police to let her go, she can get herself to detox. We remind her that she is consistently telling us we can't do anything because she is an adult now. So adults take care of themselves. How bad do you want it?? If you want it bad enough, you will do what you have to to get yourself help. There are many detox places here, she knows what to say to get in.

We have a place we've been talking to for rehab. It is very long term and not easy. But, we are not jumping til we see she takes action. Even if she got herself detoxed, she might decide she feels "better" and not follow thru with our bottom line, long term rehab.

There was a mini blizzard here .. schools and businesses are closed today. I can't imagine living on the streets in this weather. I have to say it breaks my heart I can't give her a blanket or warm meal.. but, she has done this to herself. I just choose not to think about that end of it.

But, it feels good not to back down. To hold firm.
I just wanted to ask, that you keep her in thoughts and prayers these days. I believe it takes a village of prayer. I need to build that village.
Hugs, Kelly

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Still Out there, Still Gone

We were hit with yet another winter storm. As my son paced the floors waiting to hear if there was snow day last night, I paced behind him, worrying about Emily being cold, wet, hungry. And let me tell you.. I know this is what she needs to do to reach another bottom... doesn't make it easier.

I did go away this weekend. I was really on the fence about it, but I went. My friend is understanding and patient. I had one request when I left. That my husband get rid of Emily's pile of stuff in our garage that is next to my car. I hate getting out, looking at all her stuff, getting in my car.. seeing all her things she doesn't care about, including shampoo. So it is all packed up and yet another bed ready to go to the garbage tonight.

Her boyfriend, or should I say , old boyfriend and I have been texting. He is hurting. I am in shock he even cares. He is young, I would think he could move on quickly.. but he is struggling. He thanks me for understanding and listening. My god, could she have let a "normal" one go? I think so. She probably doesn't think she deserves him.. and right now, she doesn't. But in some way, this has been healing for me.. texting with him. Even if I am telling him to set his boundaries, be strong, understand addiction.. it helps me.

Friday night, I got a text from him, that scared me. It read:
Sorry. Worked all day. Been torn on the inside. No idea where the house is but I know she is working at Columbus Gold ( strip club). For the record I didn't tell you anything. I don't wanna be involved with anything of this sort anymore. Good Luck, please get that girl some help. I don't want anything to come back and haunt me.

Yesterday he texted me, said he saw her.. just wanted to let me know she was alive. He said:
I have come to realize it's pretty harsh. When I hung out with her last Thursday all she did was cry in my arms. Wasn't my happiest moment.

Makes me think of my Octopus post.. it reaches and sucks you in.

My Mom called this weekend. I wasn't here. My husband talked to her and told her everything. I shelter my Mom anymore.. she is getting older and she worries. Last summer we had that fight about her worrying about me and not understanding why I worry about my daughter. So I don't' tell her much any more. So now I have added worrying about my Mom worrying about me to my list... The Octopus again...

Well off to put one foot in front of the other today.
Thanks, Kelly

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Well... She is Gone for now

First Thanks Ron for your comment. I do know all you are saying is true. But, I also know I will do whatever it takes to save her life when push comes to shove... including having her in our home to call places to find a bed or program. Most places ask why the parent is calling, they want to hear from the potential resident.

My husband went to meet her. She was late. They never made into BW3... as he got right down to business since she was late. She admitted she relapsed. Didn't need to take the drug test, it would be dirty. Said it was only twice in the last 2 days. But we know different. He offered help. She wasn't budging. Then he broke down crying and she said IF she went it would be for him only. He said he would take that as a reason... as good as any he told her. Push came to shove and she said, I am a loser junkie, I don't care what happens to me.

When she realized he wasn't feeding her , going grocery shopping with her or giving her money, she couldn't wait to get out of the car.

He couldn't pin point her down as to where she is actually living. She has no clothes. IF she had asked, he has some of her clothes in his trunk, but she didn't ask. She is extremely skinny, ashen skin and dirty.

So he said, please don't call me until you are ready to get help. And dropped her off on some corner.

He was crying so hard, he couldn't drive, had to pull over for quite a while.

He got home, we both cried, still are ...

I looked on facebook ( shame on me). 16 hours ago she posted, getting a house with the 3 bestest boys ever.

I looked on Joey's facebook, it said, got a house with friends, party is here.

There it is.

The only thing that gives my husband hope, so he says, is Joey is stupid, she is stupid when she is with him, so they will be in jail verses dead.

It has already taken over her mind, it is doing the thinking for her. It will be her God now. It will guide her choices and decisions, she won't, she gave up her power to a more powerful thing called Heroin.

Another piece of my heart is gone. At least it's still beating.

A Garbage Bag of Clothes was Stolen

Yes you read that right, Emily's garbage bag of clothing was stolen. Go figure. After we got home from our not so nice dinner, actually the food was wonderful, it was the conversation.. but it had to be done.. my husband got a text from Emily, that her clothes were stolen.

First, I said, well darn good thing she works at Goodwill, she can replace them easily enough. Then I thought, crap , I wouldn't even donate her clothes to Goodwill, I would, with rubber gloves take them to the tree lawn for the garbage man.

She was not responding to his texts back. I said to him, I hope this seals the deal with you, that she is spiraling down fast. I said who steals her clothes, unless she is using, and like last time, that's all these losers have to do to her, is destroy her clothes, she has nothing else. I said when she uses a lot, she makes a lot of enemies quickly. I said next call, she will be hysterical.. watch.

Yep, she called and was emotionally hysterical. It was this hysteria that got her in rehab last year at this time. Can you admit your life has become unmanageable? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? There is a pattern here.. how come I feel like I am the only one that gets that? There is that " I thought I married a smart man" saying.

So he got her to agree to meet him. She is not telling where is she staying. Now this gets weird, I said to my husband didn't you drop her off where she is staying when you moved her? He said, hummm no.. she walked away with a garbage bag of clothes, acting mad at me. I said oh gawd.. don't you get this? She doesn't want you to know. She is using again!

So today they are meeting at BW3. He is armed with 2 drug tests. Incase she says the first one is wrong, there is back up. 2 different kinds. Thank you Ebay!

The plan is: If the tests are positive and she refuses help. He walks away. No contact til she is ready for help. If the test are positive and she wants help. We will bring her here for a very short time, til we can find a program, rehab, sober living, military.. whatever.
If the tests are clean and she wants to continue living the way she is living.. fine, have a nice life. If it's clean and she wants help, she can come here for a short time, til she gets into a positive program, involving some kind of trade, education, etc

My plan today, instead of pacing the downstairs.. wearing out my carpeting.. I am going to take a long walk.. it's a little warmer here and the sun is out and I might just go to the woods and scream.. it felt good last night, so good I feel the need to do it again.

Walking to School and Packed Lunches

Walking to School and packing lunches. There was nothing wrong with that. If I took a poll most of us would say we did it as kids. Heck, I was still taking the big yellow bus to school my sophomore year because I wasn't 16 until my junior year.

Well that is what I made my son do today. Let's say it was NOT a good Valentines Day here.

Let's start with the nice dinner my husband tried to take me to and I tried to tell him, I am not in the "mood". Who can think of food when my daughter is on a downward spiral and I can't stop it and I feel the only out come will be 6 feet under or if she is lucky an 8 x 10 cement room with bars.

During dinner, I had to express my concern.. it's on my mind. I had to reach my husband, I had to add up the facts to him. I could not back down , I could not shrug my shoulders in defeat and think, just wait ,wait til something bad happens. Finally he said.. ok I will call her and tell her I am coming down tomorrow and bringing a drug test. I said, you don't tell her your bringing a drug test. You can't give her a clue.. how many times, are you/we gonna make the same mistakes over and over. I finally said, you are a smart man, that is one thing I loved when I met you, you challenged my brain. But, you have quit thinking with your brain and our daughter, you use your heart and I don't understand how a smart man can do that anymore when the situation is so dire.

I said allow me to ask you some questions. Do you feel with her DOC, that if she is not fanatical in her recovery she will make it? He said yes, I agree with that. I said do you agree that with her DOC, she will end up either in jail or dead? He said yes, I agree. The light bulb went off.

We made a plan.. a quick plan, but at least it's something for now.

I will explain the plan in the next post.. because really this one was about walking to school and packed lunches..

My husband went upstairs randomly last night.. smelled something. Oh yes, my son had just smoked pot up there. Begging my husband not to tell me, saying another Holiday ruined for Mom, she can't take it. Little did he know, my Holiday was over the day before.

I haven't yelled in a long time, honestly, I know it does not good. But I yelled and honestly, it felt good. I yelled this crap is illegal.. my kids are to respect the fact this is MY home and I don't accept having illegal substances in it. And, this little pot, leads to other things.. you can easily inherit addiction from this family!

I said hand over your keys, your phone, your ipod, your bank card. Go get me your computer router and your xbox live. And then get your butt to bed. He then had the nerve to ask me for lunch money. I said no, pack your lunch, there is plenty of food here.

Fast forward to 8am. My husband finds him still in bed sleeping. Over slept. Imagine, you smoke pot and you dont' get up for school. He is begging my husband to wait and take him to school. That's when I got involved. I said no, you can walk and without a note from me. It's unexcused.

All I can think is swim districts are this weekend. Any other year, he would have been up at 4:45 am for practice for the big weekend. And he would have made States.

Instead, I have decided that I am going to drive to him NA meetings, his jobs and more counseling. Let him hear the stories in the rooms when the people say, I started smoking pot and drink in my teens. Let him see that walking to school will be no different than walking to a dead end job because he has chosen to smoke some pot.

Some may this is harsh or I am strict because my choices of punishment. But you can't be to harsh or strict with the war on drugs in your family. Maybe if we went back to the walking to school, packing lunches, taking away all the electronics these kids are so attached to, there might a less of a drug problem. When you pick up a little phone and text to get something almost instantly, there is a problem. And this ain't my first rodeo, this takes prisoners, I know, I won't let it happen again.. or at least I will go down fighting , maybe flinging lunch meat on my way.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

If it walks like duck, quacks like a duck..It probably is a duck!

Just thought I would give the sad, but true update. The dank water is becoming a flood. There are not enough mops left to clean it up today.

My husband went down to get the rest of her stuff. She never showed up. She didn't answer his calls or texts. He was talking to the roommate that let him in. He started asking the roommate questions, like this doesn't seem right? You said you were moving out due to the robberies. He said I am, but in March. Well why does Emily have to be out, when she paid her rent. Well she hasn't paid her rent. We have gotten 50.00 from her once.

The kid did not want to "rat" her out... but said enough. Said he introduced her to his best friend, her b/f.. but they are fighting. He doesn't know why. She barely stays there. She is not hanging around good people. The roommates do not trust who she brings over. My husband flat out asked if she was using.. he said, he has seen no physical evidence of that here, but her actions speak louder. So they bagged all her stuff up and put it in his car.

My husband said to me, she is exhibting dry drunk syndrome.

That's when I lost it. I said, listen to me, with all your AA, Alanon training.. IF it walks like duck, quacks like a duck.. it's probably a DUCK!

With a heavy sigh, he agreed.

He said, I thought she had hit her rock bottom before, not once, not twice, but many times, but my gut is telling me it's gonna get a lot worst this time.

I said, we stick to what I have been saying for years now... no help unless she wants rehab again, long term. Nothing else... there is nothing we can give her to make this go away. There are no more trips to move her out, set her up, again unless it's rehab.

I can remain strong when talking with him. I can say the right things, I can put on a face for my son,.. but it's back. I should not be shocked, because I have known this in the back of my head, the gut feeling and the heavy heart... but now it's back out in the open.. and inside I am dying a little more.. another chip at my already lost soul and heart.

Let Go, Let God. I must chant this in my head today, tomorrow. With a heavy heart I will try.

Part 3: The past isn't alway just the past

The past can haunt you.. it doesn't matter if you live one day at time or one moment at a time. It's there.. and it can seep in like that dank water... out of your control.. and the Let Go, Let God becomes not as easy as you think.

After the moving days, ( which is still going on today), after the "shocking" news of Andy's coworker.. I get another call. My friend, Kim. Her son and Emily were friends. I have written about them. Her son did the wilderness, while Emily went to therapy school.. has news I should be aware of. She knows not tell me "gossip" or "bad" things. That I have requested a break from it. Instead of putting my head in the sand, I will put my head in the big snowbank for awhile. In other words, I need a break. So when she calls to tell me the latest, she feels I need to know.

While I am on the phone with her, I am walking around looking in corners for that smell.

Joey has been finally kicked out his house. He and this other kid David were living in David's car. Until they crashed it. It was impounded. Searched. They got possession of illegal substance, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods. They are couch surfing, living on the streets and have a court date Feb 28th.

Ok, but this exactly what I don't want to know.. I don't care about any of them.. except my own. Good riddens. Where is my snowbank? Well it's melted in house and starting to smell..

Put 2 and 2 together. Emily's apt was broken into.. several times. These boys were friends with the guys Emily lived with.
And guess where Joey and David are getting their heroin?? Ronnie and Rusty.

I can let go, let God, but, I can also lock my house tight and put on the alarm again.

I was forced to pull my head out of the snowbank , because it melted and seeped into my house.

And the past is staring me in the face, my family and my son

And to live one day at a time, also means to plan for the future and don't discount the past.

It also means being tested time and time again

And, to grab that mop and keep my area clean. But it's not easy and a lot of hard work.

Let Go, Let God part 2

This topic needs several posts ..remember that water seeping in... it's getting knee deep now.

Since my son is not swimming his senior year of school, has early dismissal at school, I told him he needs a second job. I have been telling him since October. He also could not go on weekend nights until he had that 2nd job... it wasn't until the last month that he put a lot of effort into it and was getting turned down or interviewing and not getting it. I saw he was putting effort into it finally.

It was my husband's birthday Feb 2nd.. our tradition is to surprise him for a nice dinner. Well this year due to the storm, the restaurants were closed... but I didn't think they would be, so I did not plan on making a meal. That left us all wondering what's for dinner? So we called a few places and Jimmy Johns was open. Andy went to get our dinner.. while he was waiting for the subs he was talking to the managers.. they said, you have great personality, are looking for a job? He said, as a matter of fact yes! They said come in this weekend and meet the head mgr. He did that, got the job!

He was happy, I was happy. There is hope yet!

Thursday was his orientation. Thursday was when my husband was on campus moving Emily. I was calling him about dinner, Andy was texting him about W-2's he had to fill out, Emily wasn't where she was suppose to meet him... the cluster muck night.

Andy worked 3 pm to 8pm. He came home, and in a tone said, you will never guess who works there? I said.. oh gawd.. Joey ( em's partner in crime, she lives with parents after she stole our checks and cc).. he said no, but you are on the same track.. I am thinking ok then, whatever name I said, it won't be as bad as I thought...

The water is seeping in without my knowledge now

I went thru a few names.. It was Ronnie. Now I have never mentioned him before.. because it's the past and we have been thru so much since him. But, he is the first boy she met here. The one that introduced her to the lifestyle and people in this town that supply what you want. He is the one that molested her in the skate park. He is the one that bashed my husbands car in with a baseball bat to the tune of 7k. His Dad is the one that stalked me when my husband was out of town. He followed me. He made crude comments. I was asked to testify in court and I chickened out.. out of fear for our family and myself.

The water is getting dank now..there is slight hint of stench

Andy said Ronnie asked him if he hated him? Andy's reply was hey man, I don't get into that stuff. Andy must have forgotten he went after Ronnie several times.. for the jugular.. and chased him the night the car was bashed in with us screaming.. let him go, he has a bat!

Ronnie has a twin, Rusty. Rusty basically lived with us for awhile. But you know blood is thicker than that water seeping in. Rusty showed up to get a sub. Rusty got the sub for free, so Andy thinks Rusty works there too.

I asked if Jimmy John's drug tests? Andy said, they do if you get in an accident delivering or have a work accident, but not to get the job. He said, but they should... these guys look walking death, it's like there are no brain cells left.

My mind is going a mile a minute. These boys will not get to my son! I think maybe I should go in during the day, and ask that Andy not be scheduled with them. I think I should tell Andy to quit. He needs a job, but not THAT bad. I want to grab that mop and start mopping up this dank water... from the past.

I talk to a few friends, they convince me to let it go for awhile. That Andy is a good kid, he will be alright. He can stick up for himself. He will quit if he doesn't like it.

In other words.. Mom, let go, let God.
One day at time and tomorrow is a new day
But that could mean the water is getting deeper.. and it does.

Why is Let Go, Let God, so hard??

Let Go, Let God..

I know this, I believe it, it has been drilled into my head in recovery for the whole family. But I am here to say, it's not easy. ( or as my role in this world , as a Mother)

The other thing that is not easy, is the past, it seeps in like water.. old dank water.. waiting to be mopped up..only you don't realize it was there until it starts smell.

I had one day last week.. that I just wished it would end.. because I also believe tomorrow is a new day.. but tomorrow can be like the old dank water.. people forget to tell you that part of it.

Shall I start with Emily? She had to be out of her apt last week. There were more than 3 break ins. After the first one, the items were replaced, to be restolen. So the guys on the lease want out. The landlords agreed. So the landlords want in there to clean, paint, get rid of the mice, etc.
The guys have had enough and are moving home with their parents. They are sick of the lifestyle, having no money, etc. Only Emily can't do that..she can't move home.

So my husband goes down to campus 2 days last week, borrowing my son's truck to move her.. oh and did I mention it was 2 coldest days we've had yet? His words were "this is a cluster muck". She didn't tell him she had to work at 6pm when he got there at 5:15pm. She didn't tell him she doesn't have a key because they changed the locks. Things like that... So the result as of today is we have a garage full of her stuff.. that should be in a dumpster.. that I am afraid might have bugs or mice. And, she has no place to live. They took some clothes to some girl I didn't know apartment, who happens to live across the street from her boyfriend. This girl offered her a place to live, but only for a few nights til she could find somewhere else. Her boyfriend will let her live with him, but she doesn't want to, I believe she wants to break up.

This is difficult. Even if she is using.. I want her safe. I also know safe does not mean living at home. In fact, the triggers here are huge... less safe in the using department.

My husband came home, talking out of both sides of his mouth, which confused me more. I opened the dialogue by saying, I feel like you want her home? He said I think it would be good idea. BUT, she is lazy and that would drive us all nuts, she can get what she wants in this neighborhood, the fighting, the accusing, it won't work.

Then I asked if he was going to set her up in an apt with our money again? He went back and fourth on that. Saying it might be necessary , then saying, I learned my lesson twice on that.

By my questions or comments, I try to get him to speak the words that need to be said or the help that he/we are willing to give... this is my goal in the conversation. To set our boundaries , agree on them, without him knowing I am doing it. Not an easy task.

So for every situation he felt she faced that he could help with , I presented AA, Alanon, or our therapy ideas. For example : She keeps saying she wants to go to school. Ok then, as the Beacon house said, fill out the paper work, applications, aide, etc. Her excuse is I don't have a computer ( sold that), well call us and set up a time to come home and use ours. Or we can meet a library. She says she doesn't have money for food. Ok, take a drug test, if you are clean, we will help with some groceries and we are willing to help you figure out a budget. Learn to budget. She never made thru a program long enough to get the independent living skills side of things. As I have a come back for the obstacles he says she presents to him, his wheels are turning...

He says things like she only calls me in crisis or a situation. When things are going good for her, she can't talk, she is too busy. She chooses to sleep all day on her days off vs planning for the future, like filling job apps, college apps, sending her CD's out, etc. It's like he is convincing himself we are doing the right things with these boundaries.

Then he says, but she is only 19, we all make these mistakes at 19. If she needs help, I am gonna help my daughter..

So I think this whole conversation is a waste again. Until ...I remember the "ammunition".. and I hate to think of it like that.. But, I say... what about that saying...
Let Go, Let God... Check mate.

He proceeds to tell me what he is willing to do. OK then.

That involved signing up on roommates.com as her. He finds a an apt that want a female roommate for 6 months at 200.00 a month. It's right by where she is now, she can walk to her jobs, etc. He calls and tells her all excited. Then.. I hear him say.. well aren't you at least going to call them? He hangs up disappointed all his efforts were in vain.

Today, he is hanging around the house, waiting for her to get up, tell him where she is, so they can go meet the landlord with the key to get the rest of her stuff out.

Meanwhile, my chant today is Let Go, Let God.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


I have not personally talked to Emily since I found the pipe in her purse, which she claimed was not hers. Which I did not believe , but her ever supportive Father did. This is our routine, when she knows I know.. she calls her dad. I am avoided. Which is fine with me actually.

So she and my husband made plans to meet on Sunday at 1pm. We have somethings she left here and her taxes, misc mail. He was running late and called to tell her that. She was fine with it and said just text me when you get off the highway and I will be outside waiting. So he texts, calls, texts, calls all the way to the front door. No answer. He gets out and puts her stuff on the front steps and is getting back in the car when she comes out. Sorry, I was sleeping! I just got up! Just wait 10 minutes and I will get ready.

He said forget it. I know you can get up and set your alarm for work, meeting your boyfriend, going to a party or concert, but not for your dad. And by the way, you look hung over or like you have been up all night, I suggest you go back to Step 1. And he left.

I was out running errands and surprised to see his car in the driveway when I got home. I had not even sat down when he told me all this. He was pacing. His phone was going with texts from her. He was ranting, I do so much for that girl and she can't even get up to meet with me for lunch? She was over 2 hours late at Thanksgiving, Christmas. Who does she think she is? You know.. I am sure you've all heard similar before. .. from someone.

So all I said was, I am glad to see you set a boundary and stick with it. Your time is worth more than being stood up by your daughter.

Now normally, he would have waited, then been home late to watch the game with our son. He would have said, well, you know Emily, she was late, her ADD, typical Emily and I had to wait.

I will be honest, for a brief minute, not second, whole minute.. I felt bad for her. I thought if she looses her Dad, she has no one.

Then I thought this is what has to be done. This is what I have been praying for..

So I really hope this some progress for her to recover????