Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Words That Sum Up My Week: Feds, Warrants, Crystal, Rings, Safety

I have not been able to post for awhile.  I have been living a stressful life for the past week.  I had one goal in mind.  Can you guess?  Keep my daughter alive, she is worth it.  I wanted this done before tomorrow.  I am leaving tomorrow on my annual girls trip to Myrtle Beach.  This year my Mom is going with us.  I needed to be in a place where my Mom could not tell something was wrong.

I worked probably as hard as an addict works to get their fix.  I put something in motion, due to some information I had gotten.  I would like to give you all the details, but I can't yet.  For several reasons.  It's not totally done and I don't have time.  But, what I put in motion, became something beyond my comprehension, shook my world and scared me. 

I had a nice lunch with Emily on Tuesday.  That's all I will say about that. 

Today, at 5:30 am, a Federal Task Force and some Marshalls activated a "no knock warrant".  Emily was taken to our local county jail.  Her new "boyfriend" was taken far away by the Feds. 

I got a call from her around 8 am.  Didn't hear the phone, she was on my voicemail.  She very calmly and dare I say maturely said where she is.  That she is in a single cell, due to bed bugs.  She does not expect us to pay bail or bond.  That I should go on my vacation and know she is safe and will have 3 squares.  And that she loves me very much.  Maybe it was relief in voice.

Around 1pm I got a call from her cell phone.  I was kinda scared to answer it.  I thought the Feds would have taken it.  It was a very nice older woman, who Emily and her boyfriend were living with.  Because I don't have time, I can't fill you in the details.  But, she said, Emily went very politely and seemed ok.  This older woman fell in love with Emily.  She recently lost a daughter in a car crash.  But, she said, her boyfriend treated her very poorly.  She found Emily in the rain last night crying and crying.  I thanked her for housing my daughter and apologized for the circumstances and for them to have their house raided.  I was amazed at her understanding and I plan to meet her when I get home. 

This poor older couple had no idea this boyfriend was just out of a State Pen in Aug of 2010 for crystal meth.  They did not know he had fire arms in their home.  They did not know he violated Federal Probation. But the good news.. I KNEW. 

I will fill you in at later date.  I could not post, due to the nature of the circumstances.  But, as of now, everyone is where they should be.  I can breath.  I can smile and take a minute to smell the roses.  And, to make matters better, the old boyfriend, who she lived in abandon houses with this winter, was picked up April 21st and has no bail or bond.  So he can not bail her out.  I think all the doors have closed for my daughter, except the ones with bars.  This is the one thing she has not done, jail time.  So it's time.

I leave tomorrow at 7 am and I will be gone for 9 days.  Wonder what my house will look like with 2 guys living here that long alone?? 

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.  Kelly

Monday, April 18, 2011

I actually thought I could be a double Agent

I can not get into what is going on.  I will, when it is safe and I can do so. 

I think I have stated before, I have a very strong Mothers Intuition in regards to Emily.  I feel almost cursed to have this.  Not to go into the paranormal, but I am one who, at times, has access to my 6th sense.  I don't talk about it much, unless, I am given a "sign", to do so.  Let's just say, thru my sense, I have been able to help a friend find an old antique time piece, that had been missing for a long time.  I have had "visits" from the dead in a dream or meditation, in which they want me to pass on some kind of information to their loved one.  Like where the antique pocket watch was.  I have explored this and found, to be honest, I have fear.  I know so many addicts say fear stand in their way.  It stands in my way in this regard.  But no denying it when it comes to my daughter. 

I had a dream ( and I thank God, I got some sleep last night, it's a been a few nights).  I don't always remember my dreams.  I actually woke up today, feeling I could CONTROL it.  I could be a double agent.  I can't even tell you with whom right now.  I went as far as putting this plan into action.  I felt untouchable.  Nothing stands between a Mother and her sick daughter.  I am happy to say, that fear I have, stopped me. 

It's been a long weekend.  I did not post about our Birthday Visit.  Seems like very old news.  I actually called the coroners office this weekend, to see if there was Jane Doe.  Instead, I stumbled upon, something bigger and scarier.  And it's not done.  I am suffering internally and probably externally, as my son went and got me lunch today, because I have not eaten in awhile. 

He had Prom this weekend.  I was present and happy for him.  I should feel good about that.  Nothing like a handsome guy all cleaned up in a tux.  He looked good!  He had fun!  He was good.  No problems.  I am very thankful for that, and I believe God knew I could not handle an incident with him too. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Happy 20th Birthday

Well today is Emily's 20th birthday.  Seems like April is a big month for our kids birthday's here in blogland. 
For me, it is bitter / sweet.

Up until last night, we were not going to see her.  After much discussion, we decided to go get her and take her to dinner.  Then came the question of what to "get" her.  Grocery store cert?  We have done that in the past.  We came up with eye and dental appointments.  Last time she asked for contacts was Sept of 09.  Probably saw a dentist around then too.  We feel these are appropriate young adult "gifts". That way we pay the facility with our insurance or cc.

I did write about her birth here:  April 12, 1990.

I was starting to get anxious.  I even said to my husband, I am not sure we are making the right decision.  He said we can't back out now.  Ok then.

There happened to be a show on A&E last night called Hillbilly Heroin.  It happened to be set not too far from where Emily is living now.  My husband came in the room and said, OMG that's Emily isn't it!  What is she doing on tv?  She didn't tell us!  I am like calm down, it is not her, I don't know what you are talking about.  He said well she looks like that and that's her twin, same coat, etc.  Remember, I have not "seen" her since Jan.  I ask him, does she look that bad?  He said yes, last time he saw her.  My anxiety was rising.  Then he says to me, well remember what the detox counselor told me?  I am like humm no.  He said she told him they had not ever had such a worst case of black tar heroin addiction as they had with Emily.  Nobody told me... and now I wish I didn't know. 

I did talk to Emily , at length yesterday.  Let's just say, I have been saying this time "it's different".  It's so different, there is not connect.  Like all logic, thought process is gone.  It's like talking to.. well I don't know what, something so foreign to me.  My hope for tonight is, somewhere deep inside her, she will remember her roots, where she came from, feel our love and know we will support recovery.  But, I am not sure she is able to go back that far in her brain. Remember those commercials about drugs.  There was an egg and they said this is your brain, then they fried it and said this is your brain on drugs.  That's what talking to her is like. 

The last 2 birthdays have been spent , in her words, treatment facilities.  She refused to go back to treatment today, maybe later this week she said.  As her birthdays were not fun.  What's fun to her?  I really don't want to know.  I said, well I certainly had fun last year, maybe it was just me.  She said, no, she agreed we all had fun.  I don't think this year we will have "fun".  I think we will come home, glad we made an effort, but scared for her.  That's where my anxiety comes in.  I feel fragile, like if she is so physically ill looking, I will crack.  I am gonna try my hardest not to.  I am going to spend some time today, getting myself ready to "accept" and not judge and set my boundaries.

Happy Birthday my first baby.  My hope for you is to be healthy, enjoy life and find the good.  Mom

Saturday, April 9, 2011


Anyone know why my post are not going into paragraph form? It's how I am writing it, but it then posts as 1 big long thing. THANKS!

I thought you'd be Happy I am getting my ducks in a Row

Yesterday, about 12:15 pm, Emily calls me. Said she couldn't wait to get up and call me and tell me the good news. She is taking care of herself, has a plan and getting all her ducks in a row. For a lot of us, we would immediately think, oh there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. I am not most, I take deep breath , let it out, and say calmly, ok let's hear it.

Well Mom, there is thing called HUD, have you heard of HUD? Yes, Emily, I have. Really? Wow! I didn't know about it.. anyway.. there is this girl, KD, she has a 2 year old baby and she is clean, never did drugs, really good person and she can get HUD. I can get 275.00 a month in food stamps and 750.00 in other money and we can get a 4 bedroom apt with 2 baths thru HUD. All we have to do is say we are lesbians. I will help with the baby and all.

Mom, Mom are you there?

Yes, Emily, I am here.

 Mom, aren't you happy, I am thinking for myself, have a plan, getting my ducks in row??

Emily, Hud is a federal program, you sign on a dotted line with Hud and lie, you are committing a federal crime. You can not go thru life trying to scam people and organizations. They are looking for people like you. Do you want to go to federal prison?

Well, I never thought of that. No, I don't want to go to federal prison.

 Emily, before you act, research. ( Now I get to meat of the conversation)

 Emily, they are willing to take you back at rehab. Your counselor will help, you just have to call her.

She says... well my counselor never called to tell me that! She has my number too!

Emily, counselors do not track down addicts and offer them things. They wait for the addict to show they want it. I continued to say. You have this good option. Something we will support. You and I both know, it takes a good year for your brain to heal. I saw glimpses of it at 8 or 9 months clean last summer. Not quite there, but really close. But, then you sabotaged your recovery for a guy. Like you did the summer before in FL, like you did at the therapy school, like you just did this time.

She said, that's just what I do

I said I know, and how is that working for you??

 Sigh, it's not.

 Ok then, take a year, you are bright, intelligent, get that back. Take a year, work on yourself for yourself. You are still at an age where you have the world at your feet, yours for the taking, if you just work it. You can go to school. ( She says, yes, I really really want to go to school). I said you can get your license, you can work towards a rewarding job. You also do not have do it all alone, we will support you in positive options. I can hear the wheels turning in her head.

I go for the kill. Emily, do you know who your boyfriend is? I have done some research. Yes, Mom, but let me tell you people change. You can't hold the past against someone. Do you know who is dad is? yes, mom. Well Emily, people can change, I agree, but, it has not been that long since he has been out of a federal program and already been thru 1 rehab, and you know as well as I do, that 2 addicts with no after care probably won't make it too far. And, you are in a small town, where he is a marked man and they are probably watching you now. She is about to say something, and I say, don't say it, your brain is still not healed and I am sure whatever you are going to say is going to confirm that to both of us.

 She said I understand what you are saying. Then she asks about meeting for her birthday. I say, call your Dad. She pushes and pushes. I finally say, I was willing to meet you with strong boundaries. She asks what the means. I say , do not waste my time listening to lies. No pipe dream conversations. I said and absolutely no talk about this new boyfriend.

She says I understand what you are saying... but you left me at Christmas!

I said, Emily, we celebrated with you and I spend a whole long day with you, getting hair , nails done, shopping, eating. I said where are the gifts you got? She said stolen. I said well if you had been doing the right thing, they would not have been stolen. I said, and if you really want to know.. the whole time we were together, all you talked about was your b/f at the time, what you were getting him, his family. Never once did you ask me to take you to get your brother or father a Christmas gift. You couldn't even make us a Christmas card. Or write a poem or sing a carole for us. It was all about you and your b/f at the time. Like now.. all about your birthday and the new love of your life.

She kept saying, I understand, I know where you are coming from. She said boy, this conversation turned out totally different than I thought. I woke up so excited to call you and tell you of my plans and doing it on my own.

 I said, you can't do it on your own. You have proven that. Please call your Dad and the counselor. No response. I said, I love you.. she said I know you do, I love you too.. and hung up.

I called my husband and gave him the heads up.

She did end up calling him a few hours later. He told her the same things I did. He offered to give her a ride back to rehab. He offered her support while in the program. He did say, we will not meet you for your birthday unless you choose to go back. We will send a card, maybe a grocery store gift cert.

She then asked him to call her counselor and see the offer was still good. He did. First, her counselor was out for the week, but he talked to another one, who knew Emily and the situation. He kept saying, you shouldn't be calling , she should. She has to find her way back here, not you doing it for her. No kidding we know this, but we are trying to get her to that point. They will take her back, but she will be drug tested and if she is positive, she has to start in detox and at the beginning and he said the odds are high she will test positive. He said, as she left, she said her dealer was picking her up... my husband said, yeah, she met him in your program! He asked who it was, my husband told him and there was dead silence. Then he said, well tell her to come in and we will test her and start the process.

So my husband calls her back, tells her. She doesn't say much. Then says, well thank you, I will think about it. Kept saying, I will think about it.

For now, I guess that's ok. It's about the best we are gonna get.

 Here is where I get confused. By us laying down these clear boundaries, what we will support, what we won't, it sorta feels like we are forcing her to go back and we all know , it doesn't work that way. They have to want it for themselves. I mean, yes, she has a choice, stay where she is, which I believe will have a bad ending, another rock bottom or do as we say. And, I am not sure that will work anymore. So to me, it's a catch 22. Looking around for my magic wand.

The Cycle Continues

Well we finally heard from her. It was a relief. I spoke with her last Monday. She was, imagine this, all about her. Oh, and her new boyfriend.

 Never once, in over an hour conversation, did she ask how her brother was, how her dad was or how I was. Never once acknowledged our letters or "gifts". On and on about the new boyfriend. How he is the one that paid for her phone to be turned back on and insisted she contacted us because he knows we would be worried and love and miss her.

 I never got any concrete answers for the few questions I could squeeze in. I did however get a lot of contradictory. I did not point them out. I did not push on going back to rehab.

Then came the birthday question. Her 20th is April 12th. Would we like to get together? We can meet her alone or with new love of her life . We can go to where she is or she can get ride up here. She is now living about 40 minutes south of Columbus. I just kept saying, I need to talk to your Dad.

 After some digging, which I really DID NOT want to do, but could not help myself. Shame on me! I have found out this new love of her life, got out of a federal penitentiary Aug of 2010. By March of 2011, he is in rehab?? I dug some more. I know, I know, shame on me! His father is still in a federal penitentiary, they ran a crystal meth ring. I am surprised I don't remember it from the news.. maybe we weren't living here then? This guy did not graduate from HS, was kicked out.

 She lied to me about his age. She lied about his job. Big surprise right?

He even got on the phone with me! He told me she is safe. They are going to AA, NA meetings up in Columbus. He feels family is important and we would be worrying. He said he was in rehab due to a sports injury from HS, pain pill problem. He asked if I was from MN, due to my accent. Said I sounded like Sarah Palin.

To me, why waste your breath and my time lying? Again, we are presented with , do we see her, or don't we. My husband flat out said No. I have not physically seen her since January. She is my baby and it's her birthday.

 I spoke with a girl, who has been helping me. She said, it might be good to see her, she will remember her roots, feel your hug and heart beat and it might bring back good memories. But, set the boundaries, like dont' talk if it's gonna be lie. No pipe dream conversations, absolutely no discussion on the new boyfriend. What's left to talk about? Because she certainly doesn't care to hear about our boring life. I was still thinking about it, when Emily called yesterday. To be continued in the next post.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

" I Am Free!!!"

Yesterday my husband went to his meeting. A young guy came up to him and said have you seen Emily's facebook? My husband, of course said no. ( He has never been on facebook, never will be). So the guy shows him. It says : "I am Free!!" My husband calls me, asks me if I have seen her facebook. I said, no, I quit looking, it gets to be too much. He said well something is up. In the back of my head.. I know.. something big is up. But I said, maybe they moved to the residential house that has computer access? We decide he will call her counselor. Meanwhile, I prepare myself. I go to the bead store, my salvation. Then I meet my friend for lunch, Casa Patron.. chips, salsa and margaritas always cheer me up. So does April Fools day. My son is suppose to meet me at Casa Patron and we are going tux shopping for prom. So I get the hostess to call my son's phone and she says: This is Officer Baker, with the local police. Your probation is coming to an end soon, so to close the case, we need you to stop in the station for a drug test before noon on Saturday April 2nd. My son shows up and we are talking, then I say.. Oh, I got this weird call from the police that you need to go in for a drug test. He turned all red and said , I got the same call! He said I don't have time, I have to work tomorrow. My friend said to him, would you even pass a drug test? he said of course! So then I told him .. April Fools! If he showed panic or worry or lying, I would have let it go and told him to go to the station after tux shopping. Again, our sick humor!! But everyone thought it was pretty funny! So meanwhile, my husband calls.. says it's bad, as bad as it gets. Surprise Surprise. He asked if I really want to know? Well yes, I am not one to need protection or forget it. She was involved in something, she was the only one of the 3 that fessed up. But, her counselor, once again fought for her and got the higher ups to agree she could stay. She got very angry, rude, etc and said, no I am leaving. I am going to use , use! Give me the cab money. They gave her the cab money, but she made a call and got a ride and took the cab money. Duhh?? Her counselor was crying to my husband. He was actually consoling her! He said this is what she does, she sabotages herself on purpose. He explained the case in FL, and the woman had no idea! She kept saying we could have helped her if she just told us! He said well, she didn't put her mom on her release, her mom would have had you working with her on it. Bottom line, the counselor said, if you find her, please please let her know, she can come back. I can get her in the Aster House. Now, who does that? The state run place has a waiting list a mile long. Last time we tried to get her in, it took over 8 weeks. But, it's always the same, everyone loves the clean Emily. I knew from 2 things this was not going to work. 1. She did not put me on the release. 2. She like her counselor. That translates to , I have got this woman fooled. She is not holding me accountable and I like that. So again, we do not know where she is. What we do know, is the most amount of money she has is 35.00. She has 2 pair of jeans, a couple shirts. No car, no license. No food. I am incline to put a target on her back with the police. If she is at Joey's , they are in town and our local police would help. If they are on campus, it would be harder to get help. But, I feel like jail is the only option now. My husband thinks, that is controlling and exactly what I am trying to teach him not to do. So again, we are at odds. He thinks it's just a matter of time and we don't have to do anything. I think it might save her life. I would rather get a call from a jail, than a hospital or morgue. Her birthday is in 10 days. Wonder if she will make it 20 years old?