Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Never Intentionally Laugh At Someone

I try really hard to not intentionally laugh at someone elses expense.. BUT, there is always an exception right? I got a text from Em's old bf last night. ( The one I like!) It read: Have you heard from Em? Is she all better now? I had to LAUGH. I had to share it with my husband and son. They too, got a kick out of it. That lead me to realize, nobody really has clue do they? If you are not in the situation of addiction, you are still innocent. Like if they go away to rehab in a few weeks they come out all better. Wouldn't that be nice? In a perfect world huh? I responded: How are you? I hope you are doing well! I am not sure if they ever get all better. But, no, we have not heard from her. Don't want to burst any one's bubble or laugh at their expense. And then I thought, our family's humor is pretty sad! Definitely not normal! But hey, we put the "fun" in dysfunction! Or we try! There is a recovery comedian. His name is Mark Lundholm. Emily has seen him several times at various institutions. For some reason he calls her up on stage each and every time. I appreciate his niche, but didn't find all of his act funny, like she did or does. I think humor goes a long way and is very healthy. And for some reason that text last night struck me and I was reminded to laugh. I am going to do it more often!

Monday, March 28, 2011

She is suppose to move today

Well we have not heard a thing since I dropped of the stuff on Thursday. Emily is suppose to move to the Aster House today. I still get that "nervous" feeling, when I do not hear anything. But, I know I need to work on knowing she is safe, I am not in control and I have to "trust" the higher ups. I was reading the website. The program is not for 6 months it is for UP to 6 months. There is a difference. I read the criteria. Has to be a very high risk for relapse. Has to have a lack of sober tools, skills. Has to have no sober living situation. Of course that scared me. High risk for relapse. Great. Lack of sober tools or skills. Well since July of 2008, she has 25 months of rehabs, programs, therapy, so where are those skills or tools learned? No sober living situation, hummm our house is sober and I have given her the name and numbers of many sober living homes. She knows when and where every meeting in our town is. She has numerous names and numbers of sober people, here and around the country. I guess none of it matters. As she says, she is an adult and in charge of her recovery or relapse. Doesn't mean as a Mother, I don't worry or wish things could be different.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Decision

I talked to my husband and of course he wanted to go. However, his reasons were different than in the past. He wanted to say to her face some things that were on his mind. As we were talking about it, our "behind the scenes" guy stopped over. I feel like we were wolves jumping on him.. our savior... tell us what do!

He had some good words of wisdom and the outcome was my husband will write his thoughts in a letter with his clear boundaries. I will write something too. So that's what we did and I took it to the rehab today. Our letters, a pair of jeans, not many clothes left, cigs, $10.00 and a serenity necklace I had bought in October from a girl I had met in one of her other rehabs. I never thought she was ready for it.. but today I thought, why am I holding on to this, she may never be ready for it, but it might bring her comfort today.

My husband is reading many of the books I have laying around. I have figured out.. his learning process is on a totally different time frame than mine. But, thru the reading he has done, he was able to let go of the difference of opinions we had in regards of going. When he got home from work today, he asked if I had taken the stuff, I said yes. He said well good, that's probably all she wanted anyway. It was probably wasn't about seeing us.. it was about what we might bring.

I will tell you something else.. this is a state run rehab.. I pulled up behind police cars and cabs and more police cars and cabs pulled up behind. This is not a place I want to be. I felt myself getting anxious going in. I became very "energy" sensitive and couldn't wait to leave. I sat in my car for a minute before heading home and I thought... this is ok, I am allowed to have bad vibes and not want to be there. I have been to more than my share of visiting times at rehabs and I don't have to do anymore if I don't want to. My showing up is not gonna keep her there if she doesn't want to be there. My not showing up is not make her want it for herself. But my not showing up is going to give me less stress and anxiety and allow me to heal in my own time. And it doesn't mean next time there is a visiting day, I won't be there. And I am ok with that.
THANKS! Hugs, Kelly

Monday, March 21, 2011

5 More Days and I am thinking....

Not to go.

I had some quiet time this morning. I laid in bed and thought about this from all angles.

First is what would my son think? He would think, since she is in rehab, we go running again. Not a good example to set for him.

Second: Do I think the program she is in now be the "one". No, I do not. My gut tells me, she needs the 2 year long term one, that we are willing to support, nothing short of that. So by going, I am showing her I support her plan or the plan that once again sets her up for failure.

Third: This is very honest, I can not get images of a crack head, junkie, stripper out of my head yet. They are in my head, but if she said something to tip me off, I don't trust myself not to let them come out in verbal form.

Fourth: My gut again, tells me, she only wants us there because everyone else had someone last weekend and she didn't. So she is feeling bad. Maybe she needs to feel bad for awhile to realize the magnitude of her actions, choices. She has never had to do that before in regards to rehabs.
I don't feel she , in her heart, really wants to see us, but the "idea" of us appeals to her.

So I am thinking I will make a 'statement' myself. I will be honest, I will say I am happy she has chosen to stay. I hope it works this time. I hope she wants it bad enough. We will be happy to assist in taking the steps to look into the long term place. I will take it to the place along with a few more clothes, $5.o0 and the cheapest cigs I can find.
She has very little clothes left. I think of Christmas, the times before that, we went shopping. All the money spend on nice things for interviews, warm Northface things for walking to work. Uggs to keep her feet warm.. all gone.. so I will not buy one more thing. She will get a few things that are left in our garage and need washing.

Today that is how I am feeling. My husband is out of town, so I can not go over my thougths with him. And who knows if it will change this week. But today, this is how I feel.
Hugs, Kelly

Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Statement - From her

Last night we got a call from a weekend staff employee at the state rehab. She wanted to read a "statement" from Emily to us.

First, the good news is, she still there. Can you say sleep? I slept very well last night.

The "statement" said : Emily would like BOTH of you to visit next Saturday from 12 to 2 pm, visiting hours.

She would like a few more clothes, $5.oo, and not necessary , but would be nice for a few packs of cigs and gave the brand, type.

I am on the fence about this. I have to think like an "addict".. which is self absorbed, manipulative, etc.

My guess is, since it was Saturday yesterday, the other girls had family visits and in good moods. Emily did not have anyone there, so she caved and agreed to have BOTH of us visit.
And, these other girls got clothes, money, cigs from their loved ones, so it is an opportunity for Emily to get some "stuff" too.

In the past, if there were family visits, I rearranged my schedule to be there.. no questions asked. I was armed with things for her and the other girls. Reward the recovery! Show you are proud of her and be there.

This time I do not feel like jumping or asking how high.

The only thing we have decided it will be both of us going or neither of us going. We will be united in that decision.

I have 6 days to think about it and make my decision. I believe my husband does want to go. So it will be on me... and I need to be OK with my decision. I am just not sure I am ready to go thru this all again, hopes up, support given, only to be let down. I don't know if I can take it.

Thanks! Hugs, Kelly

Monday, March 14, 2011

It's Not Better, but Thank You!

Thank you all for comments and support! I am sorry I went MIA.. Let me tell you how I feel... maybe it will explain more.

I am at the point I am sick of the drama. I find myself blogging when things are being driven by the drama in my life and the question in my mind is, how does that drama fit into my recovery. It doesn't. How do I move on from the drama? One foot in front of the other and one day at time I guess.

But here is the sad update.

If you recall, Emily had been calling and texting me while trying to get checked in. I spoke with her case worker the weekend she was admitted.. and Monday morning. She got into the 2 week detox at the state place. She called for some clothes, money and cigs. More on that in a minute.

She was admitted on that Sunday morning.. 1 am. I woke up that day.. and this it! I am sick of this boy and his family rescuing her and keeping their door open so she can use. I called them. I told them if they gave her a ride, a meal, a shower anymore.. I would slap a restraining order on them. It was the step dad I was talking to. He said some pretty mean words and suggested I lose his number. I suggested he get a drug counselor for his sick sick family.

A friend of mine runs into them at the chiropractor office. His parents are taking him because his back hurts from sleeping in cars. So they take him 3 to 4 times a week. It couldn't be because he detoxing...

There was a warrant for his arrest and the police asked us to tell him if he was back in town. They would get him. So, I did as my local police asked me, I said he's back, going to the chiropractor. By 2 am they had and arrested him for the warrant and if you can believe it, he had just made a drug deal and drugs on him at the time of arrest. He is now out on bail or bond. Don't have to tell you paid that for him. I suppose he needs to go to the chiropractor more times a week for his back and having to sleep in jail.

Now it's the following Friday. March 4th. I tried calling Emily's counselor in detox. I am hoping to present the 2 year long term program and I know they will want to talk to her and stuff has to be faxed, etc. Also FL is calling me, they are delaying the trail down there, hoping she is able to attend. I call again Monday AM. Leave messages.

On Monday, I get a call from Emily. She proceeds to tell me that I am not allowed to talk to her counselor as she did not put my name on the release. Only Dad can talk to her counselor. I said , well FL would like to talk to you. She said FL is not on the release either. She said she is exercising her rights as an adult. I said, that's great, then you won't need any more clothes, cigs and money. She said you are manipulative, spiteful and hateful. This is my recovery, not yours. I said, well then good luck! And I hung up.

Needless to say, I was shaking mad! A week ago, it was me she was texting and calling. A million old feelings came rushing to me, there is something wrong with me, I can't keep doing this, etc.. I would say a mini anxiety attack.

I called my husband and he said, well you are being manipulative about the 2 year program and she is an adult.

That made me feel worst... I am going crazy? All I want to do is present it as an option. I am not forcing her to go, I am not manipulating her into going. I just want the counselor know it exists!

My husband got home and I had a long talk. I said, I am sick of being made out to be the bad guy. I am sick of fighting both of you. If we do not present a UNITED front this time, I want out of this marriage. Life is short and I refuse to live I am like I am the crazy one. I was then and I am now, serious about this. It is not a threat, not an ultimatum, it is the truth.

Wed. March 9th She starts calling her Dad. He refuses to answer. Asking what she would want. I said, she is out of detox on Monday the 14th. She probably wants you to find another place for her something. After "fighting" with about how long she has been there... he did believe it was almost 14 days. Of course I am wrong! I said, this is a prime example.. I am not crazy this time, I have the calendar on my side!

He said, well I will call her counselor tomorrow and say I will not talk to her unless her mother is on the call too. I said, well maybe the counselor will be busy, maybe you should take Emily's call tonight and tell her and then set it up so we are all on the same page. He kept refusing.. I am like why? This could drag on. He finally admitted that he was afraid to talk to her because she might manipulate him. Ahhh there you have it! I said, well she can do that if you let her.. don't let her.. he said he didn't trust himself. Kuddos for honesty!

So the next day comes and he calls and leaves a msg for the counselor. Tells her the deal on her answering machine. 2 minutes later Emily calls him. Says this is *ull*hit. She says my mom is sicker than me, she needs more help than I do and my counselor agrees. My husband said, well I guess your counselor believes a lier! I refuse to discuss anything with you unless your mom is on the call. She says F, U to him and he says OK and hangs up.

It was nagging at me. Every other detox lead to her being much more humble, grateful, thankful, etc. She was not combative, mean, etc. Something is OFF this time. I chalk it up to crack.. she never did crack before. But I still have this nagging feeling.

My AHA moment

She added Joey and maybe his parents to her release form, because they are "soul mates". She found out I called his parents, she probably knows I am behind the arrest. Therefore I am sick, sicker than her. I might have taken away her chance to get drugs if she decided to check herself out being the adult that she is.

I presented this thought to my husband.. and he agrees! Gosh so different to have someone agree with me vs fight me on everything. He added this is why she isn't calling for more clothes , cigs or money, she is getting somewhere else.

As of today, from what we know, her plan is to go to Talbot Hall for 2 weeks. I am not exactly sure what Talbot does for the 2 weeks. I have been there for an assessment and it was possible place to admitted for detox and it has IOP. Joey is doing IOP there. Need I say more?

Then after this next 2 weeks, she is suppose to go to a 6 months womens program associated with the state rehab.

Having said this, she could be living with Joey at Joey's parents today for all we know. I would not put it past her.

I have talked to several young girls in recovery.. they have explained to me, Joey equals drugs. It's not a normal soul mate relationship.. it means she is not ready to give up drugs. Joey is drugs. Well guess what.. I can't control it. So I will go on with my life, the best I know how.

She was able to call every other day and chosen not to. She did not call on Friday, she did not call yesterday and we do not know where she is now.

But, we do know, we have to live. We have to find some amount of normalcy or even a smile or laughter in every day. We do know we might bury our daughter due to this disease. We do know she is an adult ( even if she is equal to a 12 year old in logic), so she can make her own choices. We do know her choices will cause a reaction in us and it may not be the one she wants or is looking for. We have found, (finally) being united works. I try not to bring her name up everyday. I try not to walk into her room. I try to move on. I try to be present and not think of the haunting things that might happen or have happened. And I just keep trying.
Thanks and Hugs, Kelly

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Ask and You Shall Receive

Thank You Everyone for your thoughts and prayers!

It's been a whirl wind of emotions , stress and worry, phone calls , etc.

Saturday about 3pm Emily texted she was waiting for a ride to detox/rehab. I texted back, OMG, I am so proud of you.

But then, I thought, knowing her, there is more to this picture. And there was, it was Joey's mom who was taking them. I reminded myself, she is an adult, her choices.

We jumped into action and called our "behind the scene" people. So they were ready and waiting for her. We told her what she needed to say to get in. Let's say we told her over 100 times. She said she did not understand. Two things, you are going to die if you keep going like this and you tried to OD and feel depressed and suicidal. Unfortunately, that is how you get in these places.
Talking to her, was, like nothing I have ever exprienced before. I just thought to myself, it is gonna take so much work to get even half of her back.

Well, she did not get in the detox/rehab. She did not do what we told her. Our "behind the scenes" people told us, 1. they do not admit couples. 2. Joeys' mom was doing the talking and Emily did not show them she wanted this.

There was 1 more place, it is more of a mental health place, but they do substance abuse assessments. Again, we told what to say and to distance herself from Joey and her Mom, or you won't get in. She kept saying, he is a lost soul too and needs help. His mom is so nice to drive us. We kept saying , you are in fight for YOUR life. So our behind the scenes people said if she get away from them, do as they said, they would admit her.

We also knew they would not admit Joey. First, he probably didn't really want it. 2nd, you don't go to AA/NA meetings in this town with a smirk on your face and steal from purses and coat pockets... and expect help.

At 1 am, we got a call, she was admitted. They gave her a meal, a shower, and some clothes. She was sleeping. She signed the consent papers so we could talk with her case worker.

Sunday about 6pm I called. I talked to her case worker. It was not good... Well, it's not her fault, but to hear the words, are hard to process. She said Emily has been in the underground drug culture for quite awhile. Black Tar Heroin Kills. She would not have made it more than 3 more days at the rate she was going. I asked about abcesses. They did not notice any.
The phone had freed up while we talking and she transferred me to Emily.

I don't even know what to say about our conversation. I am still a bit in shock. I thought it would take a lot of work to get half of her back on Saturday, but Sunday, I thought she is gone forever. I have never in my wildest dreams think, she would be so very unreachable. She said, this place sucks. I am sicker than a dog. They won't give me meds. I sit in my room hours on end alone. She said, I think I am gonna leave. I either need suboxen now, or I will just go out and OD and die, this isn't worth it.
None of this was said in her voice, or her voice as I remember it.

I hung up shaken.. very shaken. So my husband called the case worker and told her of my conversation. She said, Emily has been living in an extremely high risk environment. She is lucky to be with us at all. But, she would pink slip her and keep her against her will. They do not give out meds there. And we will see what Monday brings.

I said to my husband, I have a bad feeling this time. Usually if she has chosen to accept help, I breath again. Not this time. My husband said the same thing.. which he never does, so that scared me too. So we talked.. we brought ourselves to the conclusion we will probably lose her. We went over everything we did, we tried to console each other. We made ourselves agree we did all we could. We were not to blame. We will be the people in the grocery store, that everyone looks at and doesn't know what to say. We planned who we would go to for help. What sleeping pills we were willing to take to get thru it. We thought of everything we could to be prepared.

Monday morning. Her caseworker called and said she had just faxed Emily's paperwork to the detox/rehab. This takes hours and don't expect to hear anything for 6 to 8 hours. If she is turned down, there are 2 other places they can try. But, you can only try one at time. AND, then Emily has to agree.. and there are guarentees she will agree to go, given her current state.

All I can say, it takes a village. We got that village. And thanks to our behind the scenes people, who , I am sure worked tirelessly, within 20 minutes of the fax, Emily was accept and she agreed to go. Within 30 minutes, she would be transported.

We called today, she was in group, then had AA/NA meetings and homework. Health wise they felt she was ok, but they were waiting on blood work to come back. She can talk to us with her counselor only and if they had time they would call tonight. So far they have not. The detox is 14 days. She is on suboxen and will be tapered, per usual. However the last time she tapered off that, she went to hospital via ambulance, due to the extreme withdrawls. After that they may recommend rehab for 30, 60, or 90 days. But, we are still going present the 2 year , long term place as our only support. I am not going thru this again in 6 months, weather she does or not.

We made a plan for that call, because we know she will be asking for things. We have decided we will give her some clothes, that are in the garage. Shampoo, if she needs it, soap. But no money for the pop machine or pizza and no cigarettes... absolutely nothing else.

Thank you Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. It works! I am deeply grateful and appreciate it so much.
Hugs, Kelly