Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Monday, March 14, 2011

It's Not Better, but Thank You!

Thank you all for comments and support! I am sorry I went MIA.. Let me tell you how I feel... maybe it will explain more.

I am at the point I am sick of the drama. I find myself blogging when things are being driven by the drama in my life and the question in my mind is, how does that drama fit into my recovery. It doesn't. How do I move on from the drama? One foot in front of the other and one day at time I guess.

But here is the sad update.

If you recall, Emily had been calling and texting me while trying to get checked in. I spoke with her case worker the weekend she was admitted.. and Monday morning. She got into the 2 week detox at the state place. She called for some clothes, money and cigs. More on that in a minute.

She was admitted on that Sunday morning.. 1 am. I woke up that day.. and this it! I am sick of this boy and his family rescuing her and keeping their door open so she can use. I called them. I told them if they gave her a ride, a meal, a shower anymore.. I would slap a restraining order on them. It was the step dad I was talking to. He said some pretty mean words and suggested I lose his number. I suggested he get a drug counselor for his sick sick family.

A friend of mine runs into them at the chiropractor office. His parents are taking him because his back hurts from sleeping in cars. So they take him 3 to 4 times a week. It couldn't be because he detoxing...

There was a warrant for his arrest and the police asked us to tell him if he was back in town. They would get him. So, I did as my local police asked me, I said he's back, going to the chiropractor. By 2 am they had and arrested him for the warrant and if you can believe it, he had just made a drug deal and drugs on him at the time of arrest. He is now out on bail or bond. Don't have to tell you paid that for him. I suppose he needs to go to the chiropractor more times a week for his back and having to sleep in jail.

Now it's the following Friday. March 4th. I tried calling Emily's counselor in detox. I am hoping to present the 2 year long term program and I know they will want to talk to her and stuff has to be faxed, etc. Also FL is calling me, they are delaying the trail down there, hoping she is able to attend. I call again Monday AM. Leave messages.

On Monday, I get a call from Emily. She proceeds to tell me that I am not allowed to talk to her counselor as she did not put my name on the release. Only Dad can talk to her counselor. I said , well FL would like to talk to you. She said FL is not on the release either. She said she is exercising her rights as an adult. I said, that's great, then you won't need any more clothes, cigs and money. She said you are manipulative, spiteful and hateful. This is my recovery, not yours. I said, well then good luck! And I hung up.

Needless to say, I was shaking mad! A week ago, it was me she was texting and calling. A million old feelings came rushing to me, there is something wrong with me, I can't keep doing this, etc.. I would say a mini anxiety attack.

I called my husband and he said, well you are being manipulative about the 2 year program and she is an adult.

That made me feel worst... I am going crazy? All I want to do is present it as an option. I am not forcing her to go, I am not manipulating her into going. I just want the counselor know it exists!

My husband got home and I had a long talk. I said, I am sick of being made out to be the bad guy. I am sick of fighting both of you. If we do not present a UNITED front this time, I want out of this marriage. Life is short and I refuse to live I am like I am the crazy one. I was then and I am now, serious about this. It is not a threat, not an ultimatum, it is the truth.

Wed. March 9th She starts calling her Dad. He refuses to answer. Asking what she would want. I said, she is out of detox on Monday the 14th. She probably wants you to find another place for her something. After "fighting" with about how long she has been there... he did believe it was almost 14 days. Of course I am wrong! I said, this is a prime example.. I am not crazy this time, I have the calendar on my side!

He said, well I will call her counselor tomorrow and say I will not talk to her unless her mother is on the call too. I said, well maybe the counselor will be busy, maybe you should take Emily's call tonight and tell her and then set it up so we are all on the same page. He kept refusing.. I am like why? This could drag on. He finally admitted that he was afraid to talk to her because she might manipulate him. Ahhh there you have it! I said, well she can do that if you let her.. don't let her.. he said he didn't trust himself. Kuddos for honesty!

So the next day comes and he calls and leaves a msg for the counselor. Tells her the deal on her answering machine. 2 minutes later Emily calls him. Says this is *ull*hit. She says my mom is sicker than me, she needs more help than I do and my counselor agrees. My husband said, well I guess your counselor believes a lier! I refuse to discuss anything with you unless your mom is on the call. She says F, U to him and he says OK and hangs up.

It was nagging at me. Every other detox lead to her being much more humble, grateful, thankful, etc. She was not combative, mean, etc. Something is OFF this time. I chalk it up to crack.. she never did crack before. But I still have this nagging feeling.

My AHA moment

She added Joey and maybe his parents to her release form, because they are "soul mates". She found out I called his parents, she probably knows I am behind the arrest. Therefore I am sick, sicker than her. I might have taken away her chance to get drugs if she decided to check herself out being the adult that she is.

I presented this thought to my husband.. and he agrees! Gosh so different to have someone agree with me vs fight me on everything. He added this is why she isn't calling for more clothes , cigs or money, she is getting somewhere else.

As of today, from what we know, her plan is to go to Talbot Hall for 2 weeks. I am not exactly sure what Talbot does for the 2 weeks. I have been there for an assessment and it was possible place to admitted for detox and it has IOP. Joey is doing IOP there. Need I say more?

Then after this next 2 weeks, she is suppose to go to a 6 months womens program associated with the state rehab.

Having said this, she could be living with Joey at Joey's parents today for all we know. I would not put it past her.

I have talked to several young girls in recovery.. they have explained to me, Joey equals drugs. It's not a normal soul mate relationship.. it means she is not ready to give up drugs. Joey is drugs. Well guess what.. I can't control it. So I will go on with my life, the best I know how.

She was able to call every other day and chosen not to. She did not call on Friday, she did not call yesterday and we do not know where she is now.

But, we do know, we have to live. We have to find some amount of normalcy or even a smile or laughter in every day. We do know we might bury our daughter due to this disease. We do know she is an adult ( even if she is equal to a 12 year old in logic), so she can make her own choices. We do know her choices will cause a reaction in us and it may not be the one she wants or is looking for. We have found, (finally) being united works. I try not to bring her name up everyday. I try not to walk into her room. I try to move on. I try to be present and not think of the haunting things that might happen or have happened. And I just keep trying.
Thanks and Hugs, Kelly


  1. I think I recently posted that I was reading some of my previous posts and realize that people must think I am a lunatic. I tend to write "in the moment" and that may not be so good. I feel so bad, the drama, the lies everything that we deal with. Trying to go on with my life just seems so hard. Yet, I know it is time. I am sure thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

  2. I understand everything you said in your post. My wife and I have lived it, just like you are living it now but here is the good news, stay united with your husband and it get's better - much, much better.

    In prayer for your daughter and your family.