Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Monday, March 21, 2011

5 More Days and I am thinking....

Not to go.

I had some quiet time this morning. I laid in bed and thought about this from all angles.

First is what would my son think? He would think, since she is in rehab, we go running again. Not a good example to set for him.

Second: Do I think the program she is in now be the "one". No, I do not. My gut tells me, she needs the 2 year long term one, that we are willing to support, nothing short of that. So by going, I am showing her I support her plan or the plan that once again sets her up for failure.

Third: This is very honest, I can not get images of a crack head, junkie, stripper out of my head yet. They are in my head, but if she said something to tip me off, I don't trust myself not to let them come out in verbal form.

Fourth: My gut again, tells me, she only wants us there because everyone else had someone last weekend and she didn't. So she is feeling bad. Maybe she needs to feel bad for awhile to realize the magnitude of her actions, choices. She has never had to do that before in regards to rehabs.
I don't feel she , in her heart, really wants to see us, but the "idea" of us appeals to her.

So I am thinking I will make a 'statement' myself. I will be honest, I will say I am happy she has chosen to stay. I hope it works this time. I hope she wants it bad enough. We will be happy to assist in taking the steps to look into the long term place. I will take it to the place along with a few more clothes, $5.o0 and the cheapest cigs I can find.
She has very little clothes left. I think of Christmas, the times before that, we went shopping. All the money spend on nice things for interviews, warm Northface things for walking to work. Uggs to keep her feet warm.. all gone.. so I will not buy one more thing. She will get a few things that are left in our garage and need washing.

Today that is how I am feeling. My husband is out of town, so I can not go over my thougths with him. And who knows if it will change this week. But today, this is how I feel.
Hugs, Kelly


  1. Sending you hugs Kelly. You must veer between emotions like this all the time...it's got to be a strain on your soul. I hope you come to a decision that works for YOU. Hang in there friend.

  2. I am praying for you, and I'm sorry this is so horribly difficult....all of it.

  3. You must do what is best for you. That is so hard for me as I start thinking what would "HE" think. What your gut tells you is what you should stick with. Praying for you.