The Decision

I talked to my husband and of course he wanted to go. However, his reasons were different than in the past. He wanted to say to her face some things that were on his mind. As we were talking about it, our "behind the scenes" guy stopped over. I feel like we were wolves jumping on him.. our savior... tell us what do!

He had some good words of wisdom and the outcome was my husband will write his thoughts in a letter with his clear boundaries. I will write something too. So that's what we did and I took it to the rehab today. Our letters, a pair of jeans, not many clothes left, cigs, $10.00 and a serenity necklace I had bought in October from a girl I had met in one of her other rehabs. I never thought she was ready for it.. but today I thought, why am I holding on to this, she may never be ready for it, but it might bring her comfort today.

My husband is reading many of the books I have laying around. I have figured out.. his learning process is on a totally different time frame than mine. But, thru the reading he has done, he was able to let go of the difference of opinions we had in regards of going. When he got home from work today, he asked if I had taken the stuff, I said yes. He said well good, that's probably all she wanted anyway. It was probably wasn't about seeing us.. it was about what we might bring.

I will tell you something else.. this is a state run rehab.. I pulled up behind police cars and cabs and more police cars and cabs pulled up behind. This is not a place I want to be. I felt myself getting anxious going in. I became very "energy" sensitive and couldn't wait to leave. I sat in my car for a minute before heading home and I thought... this is ok, I am allowed to have bad vibes and not want to be there. I have been to more than my share of visiting times at rehabs and I don't have to do anymore if I don't want to. My showing up is not gonna keep her there if she doesn't want to be there. My not showing up is not make her want it for herself. But my not showing up is going to give me less stress and anxiety and allow me to heal in my own time. And it doesn't mean next time there is a visiting day, I won't be there. And I am ok with that.
THANKS! Hugs, Kelly