Let Go, Let God..
I know this, I believe it, it has been drilled into my head in recovery for the whole family. But I am here to say, it's not easy. ( or as my role in this world , as a Mother)
The other thing that is not easy, is the past, it seeps in like water.. old dank water.. waiting to be mopped up..only you don't realize it was there until it starts smell.
I had one day last week.. that I just wished it would end.. because I also believe tomorrow is a new day.. but tomorrow can be like the old dank water.. people forget to tell you that part of it.
Shall I start with Emily? She had to be out of her apt last week. There were more than 3 break ins. After the first one, the items were replaced, to be restolen. So the guys on the lease want out. The landlords agreed. So the landlords want in there to clean, paint, get rid of the mice, etc.
The guys have had enough and are moving home with their parents. They are sick of the lifestyle, having no money, etc. Only Emily can't do that..she can't move home.
So my husband goes down to campus 2 days last week, borrowing my son's truck to move her.. oh and did I mention it was 2 coldest days we've had yet? His words were "this is a cluster muck". She didn't tell him she had to work at 6pm when he got there at 5:15pm. She didn't tell him she doesn't have a key because they changed the locks. Things like that... So the result as of today is we have a garage full of her stuff.. that should be in a dumpster.. that I am afraid might have bugs or mice. And, she has no place to live. They took some clothes to some girl I didn't know apartment, who happens to live across the street from her boyfriend. This girl offered her a place to live, but only for a few nights til she could find somewhere else. Her boyfriend will let her live with him, but she doesn't want to, I believe she wants to break up.
This is difficult. Even if she is using.. I want her safe. I also know safe does not mean living at home. In fact, the triggers here are huge... less safe in the using department.
My husband came home, talking out of both sides of his mouth, which confused me more. I opened the dialogue by saying, I feel like you want her home? He said I think it would be good idea. BUT, she is lazy and that would drive us all nuts, she can get what she wants in this neighborhood, the fighting, the accusing, it won't work.
Then I asked if he was going to set her up in an apt with our money again? He went back and fourth on that. Saying it might be necessary , then saying, I learned my lesson twice on that.
By my questions or comments, I try to get him to speak the words that need to be said or the help that he/we are willing to give... this is my goal in the conversation. To set our boundaries , agree on them, without him knowing I am doing it. Not an easy task.
So for every situation he felt she faced that he could help with , I presented AA, Alanon, or our therapy ideas. For example : She keeps saying she wants to go to school. Ok then, as the Beacon house said, fill out the paper work, applications, aide, etc. Her excuse is I don't have a computer ( sold that), well call us and set up a time to come home and use ours. Or we can meet a library. She says she doesn't have money for food. Ok, take a drug test, if you are clean, we will help with some groceries and we are willing to help you figure out a budget. Learn to budget. She never made thru a program long enough to get the independent living skills side of things. As I have a come back for the obstacles he says she presents to him, his wheels are turning...
He says things like she only calls me in crisis or a situation. When things are going good for her, she can't talk, she is too busy. She chooses to sleep all day on her days off vs planning for the future, like filling job apps, college apps, sending her CD's out, etc. It's like he is convincing himself we are doing the right things with these boundaries.
Then he says, but she is only 19, we all make these mistakes at 19. If she needs help, I am gonna help my daughter..
So I think this whole conversation is a waste again. Until ...I remember the "ammunition".. and I hate to think of it like that.. But, I say... what about that saying...
Let Go, Let God... Check mate.
He proceeds to tell me what he is willing to do. OK then.
That involved signing up on roommates.com as her. He finds a an apt that want a female roommate for 6 months at 200.00 a month. It's right by where she is now, she can walk to her jobs, etc. He calls and tells her all excited. Then.. I hear him say.. well aren't you at least going to call them? He hangs up disappointed all his efforts were in vain.
Today, he is hanging around the house, waiting for her to get up, tell him where she is, so they can go meet the landlord with the key to get the rest of her stuff out.
Meanwhile, my chant today is Let Go, Let God.