Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Friday, July 30, 2010

By Tuesday, All things Changed

I went to see my sister in law on Monday and Tuesday. She is stage 4 Breast Cancer. She has 1 type of chemo left to try and they will try towards the end. The end is, near, nobody knows how near thou. I have avoided contacting her and seeing her.. I don't do well with cancer. I am sorry I did that.. we have a lot to catch up on and memories to make. So I am hers for the rest of the summer. I love her sense of humor, she made it easy for me.. morbid, but easy, with statements like "over my dead body" to her husband.
It was 4:30 pm on Tuesday, I just hugged, kissed Carol good bye, had my key in the ignition, ready for my 3.5 hour drive home. My phone rang, it was Emily's area code. All I heard was a wail and the words Maaama.

My heart dropped... Calm down tell me what's wrong, I am close to your city, I can be there in an hour. I am thinking she is in the hosp, something happened and accident.. my mind and heart are racing....

Her words were : "come get me or I am getting kicked out"

Huh? We just had a beautiful day 2 or 3 days ago.

It was like pulling teeth to find out or sort thru... when in fact, I should have just hung up. Because I am now reaching for my beta blockers that I was given when I was so sick. Treat the symptoms were the words in the back of my head. Don't let this get you again. I shoulda hung up.

She got a music scholarship. Her first class was Tuesday. How does that go to I am being kicked out? 0 to 100 in 2 seconds .. that's how.

Apparently, she skipped her first class to meet "the boy". I had found out on Saturday, "the boy" was on a binge, nobody could find him. He is a drunk, shows up at meetings drunk, is bad news. He is 25 or 26 with 2 little kids from 2 different women. That's his background.

She got caught. Lying again about this boy. They want to ask me to leave. I need to come home. Once I got the gist of it, because I never get the whole thing. I was livid. And I was livid she was able to make me livid again. Urggg. I said coming home is not an option. She said, then they will take me to homeless shelter. I said, it's your choices. Quickly the phone was being taken from her and I was told she is not allowed on the phone. Fine with me, wish I never answered it in the first place.

So I found out she had a meeting with the head guy, Mike , Wed AM. I was waiting, walking aimlessly around my home, I guess pacing is the right word. Around noonish, I left a message for her counselor. She called me back, I was in the shower.. missed her call. BUT this is what she said...

It's out of her hands now. There is nothing she can do. Mike is letting her stay at least until Monday. On Monday there is another meeting, with higher ups and all staff and Emily will be on their agenda. They will make a decision about her then. Her counselor said, I am fighting for her, but it's on deaf ears, because it's beyond me now. IF they do let her stay after Monday, it will be very tough for her and she will be forced to take her recovery and their program seriously or she will be taken to the local Salvation Army, given resources to find a shelter.

Talk about falling on deaf ears. I had just listed all the good things this place has done for her and all the hard work she was doing for her recovery. A music scholarship.. does it get any better?? All I can think, is it must.. at least in her eyes.

I spoke with her best friend via facebook. She explained to me, Emily has never made this far in her recovery seriously. Right now she is uncomfortable and she needs to learn being uncomfortable is the new better. Really made sense to me, as far as addiction is concerned.

Another woman in her house send me a message. She said she and Emily were headed out to a class last night together. She planned on trying to talk some sense into Emily. Get some alone time with her and help her. This woman is done with the program, but is choosing to continue the program because she feels she is not ready for the real world yet and has all she needs where she is right now. She is mature, 36, radiating light from herself, a peaceful confidence you can just see.

All I could do is thank them. Tell them I appreciate their time and willingness to help and not give up on her. Because at this point, I have to give up and detach for my health. I can not go backwards healthy wise. They are doing what I can't, and I am very grateful.

AND, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for Monday morning to hear the decision. I have Justin painting my kitchen/family room. I am meeting with my friends for long lost lunches and taking care of myself. I have to. Not easy.. but I am doing it.


  1. Good for you! Emily has to find her own way and this is all part of that process for her. Being the mom of an addict myself, I know this is easier said than done, believe me! Keep focusing on you for now! Prayers and hugs to you both!

  2. Thank you Kristi! I am just glad you understand.. the concept of, easier said than done. I will just have to keep plugging along.
    Hugs, Kelly