Recently, I had the unfornate experience of having a real fight with my Mother. Probably one of the most hurtful experiences in my life. I won't get into the details.. they actually don't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things.
What does matter is, I had a vision of an Octopus in our family. One that grabbed hold.. to the entire family.. reaches and attaches itself to all of us.. Addiction does that... just like an octopus. It has grabbed us.. latched on and whipping us around.. causing hurt, blame and mean unsaid words. It's reached heart of relationships with all of us.
I would like to say.. I honestly feel like.. I am past "blame". Where did it get me? But make me feel bad, unworthy of a better life. It created jealousy from me.. when I saw other Mother's and their daughters out having fun.. innocent fun..quality time.. that I felt robbed of. It created me to isolate.. I didn't want to feel bad. It made think horrible things about my daughter.. that she tore our family apart. That she smashed my dreams. It made me feel depressed I did not give my son another sibling. It reached places I never knew exsisted in me... places I didn't like.
We are held prisoner by this octopus. To shake free.. I have got to let go the blame , the what IF's.
When my Mom saw me for the first time in 6 months.. she said I am sick... it's written everywhere. Then she went on to say how much she blames her granddaughter, my daughter for it. It was then I got the vision of an octopus...grabbing every single one of us. Calmly, I explained .. how she feels for me.. I feel for my daughter. Would I be able to say that to her if I didn't know where Emily was? Or if she was still using? I don't know. But, blaming is not get any of us healthy.
And, I lost, what I felt was my safe haven.. My Mom's comfort and retreat.
I need to turn this octopus into Calimari.
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Kelly - I related to so many things in this post. I, too, have felt so much grief, loss, and anger, when I see mothers and daughters out together, having fun, or just even doing mundane life chores together. I've never really had those experiences with my daughter and I, to, feel robbed. I loved your octopus image, with all its grabbing legs and squishy, disgusting body. It's a perfect metaphor for addiction, and what it does to the family. AND, I've also had a horrible time 'managing' my 92 yo mother in regards to Hayley's problems. However, my mother blames ME, and my poor mothering skills. It's bordering on emotional abuse.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog, but am 'enjoying' it, if you know what I mean. I hope to spend some more time here.
How's your daughter doing now? The legal issues really screw things up, don't they? Peggy