I haven't really kept up with this blog. I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again.
At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks. What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks. Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past. It tells me, I just might be detaching completely. Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need?? I don't know.
She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either. What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time. I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update. She has not been on there in a few weeks.
People ask me if I have called the police. Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in. The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past.
I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive. I thought we had that pact together. She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking. I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.
My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation. I was giving my "mom talk". He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born. I couldn't stop having manners if I tried! I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have. He said, what about Emily?? I said, ok you are the only son we have. He said what about Dad's first son. I said ok, you are the only one that counts. Did I inflate his ego? Did I speak the truth? Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left? Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact? I think I would. It's probably just more heightened now.
So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days. All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening. Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.