Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Monday, June 20, 2011

What Goes Up Must Come Down

What goes up, must come down was the end of my last blog and it's true, especially with addiction in a family.  

The glory details:  I had offered to go visit her the weekend before last.  On a Saturday.  She never really texted me back.  I tried to reach her, nothing.  Finally on that Sunday, she texted she was in a meeting and very busy and would call me later.  She never did.   Monday another text comes from a different number.  Says someone broke her phone in half. 

Wednesday my husband is out of town and gets a call from her that she is being kicked out.  He kept texting and calling me.  I did not offer to do anything.  I support getting help or recovery, I do not support when she gets kicked out.  I suggested he tell her to find a policeman to take her to a shelter or Salvation Army.  He preferred to try to get her a hotel room until the next morning when he could get her.  She walked to a hotel, only to find out they do not give out rooms without an id, so they would not take my husband's cc over the phone or give her a room.  He is frantic, I am calm, saying, I did not get kicked out, I did not break her phone and I did not loose her id.  Shelter or S. Army. 

Then some older guy, Dave, called my husband, said he felt bad for her and he knew a place that would take cash for a room and he would use his id if my husband would Western Union the money to some carry out.  This Dave did offer to take her to the Salvation Army, but she said her Dad was willing to pay for a room.  Dave took her for a meal while they waited for the money.  When he went in to get the money, he let her use his phone.  She called my husband and made a few "other" calls. 

He signed for the room and he said at 9pm she walked in room 109.  Saying she was very tired.  But, she did know some other girl in the motel.  He told my husband he lived in this town his whole life, he knows everybody and every place.  The place she had been does not kick people out, unless they really mess up.  He said was happy to help, doing God's work and he had a daughter that went thru something similar. 

My husband gets up early to drive and get her.  5 hour drive for him, missed meetings, and vacation day gone.  Meanwhile, Dave calls him and tells him some guy called his phone all night every 3 minutes.  He told the guy on the phone, he did not know her, doesn't know where she is and to quit calling.  The guy on the other end said, then I am gonna blow up your phone all night and he did exactly that. 

My husband gets to the motel.  She isn't there.  Lady said she checked out at 10 am.  He spends 2 more hours looking for her.  I tell him to come home, what else can you do??

He told me when he did talk to Emily, he told her he wanted honesty if she wanted his help.  Emily said she was kicked out because she missed some groups and didn't do her chores.  A little more digging she said they said I wasn't here last weekend and I was!  Click Click, my brain goes off.  I said I offered to go visit her that Saturday and didn't reach her until late Sunday night. I found it weird, because she knew I would have given her more minutes and took her shopping. 

My husband did not come mad.  ( unlike I would have been)  He came home worried and stressed.  Says she has no id, no phone, no money and could be a Jane Doe in another state and nobody would know.  To ease that blow, I reminded him, she has been finger printed.  Thank god for charges! Ha. 

I knew nothing was what she was telling him.  A big red flag is she all of sudden contacted him, not me.  I believe she knows she can't pull anything over on me anymore, but she still thinks she pull at her Dad's heartstirngs, and in away she did.  He went running after her, paid for the motel, etc. 

We have not heard from her at all.  Not even on Father's Day.  It was heavy here yesterday.  My son running around trying to make my husband happy.  It was so obvious.  I didn't want to say anything, because that would have brought her name front and present and we were all avoiding that.  We are all still "reacting" to the addict.  It's unhealthy.  It's not fair or right. 

We have however, decided, none of us will take her calls anymore or texts.  Many will disagree with this, and I understand.  I can say, I have supported recovery or help, I have offered rides and support for that.  So I have a clear conscious.  No more.  She is an adult.  She can figure it out, that's what adults do.  This family will never be the same and not for the better.  So all we can do is move on and create good memories with what is left of us.  I do not want 1 more "holiday" with a heavy feeling around.  Life is too short. 


  1. Boundaries. It's all about setting boundaries with our active addicts. We do everything we can and when there is no positive feedback, then we move on and leave them where they want to obviously be. To save ourselves we have to detach. In love or in anger, we have to stop having contact with people who are actively using, it just makes us crazy.

    All that to say I understand perfectly what you are doing. I know how hard it is, but I also know it's about survivial -- yours.

    My daughter has been an on again/off again heroin addict for 17 years. She is 2 months clean right now, but we've been through that lots of times before. I have lots of boundaries even now.

    I trust your detachment will bring with it serenity.

    God Bless

  2. So sorry to hear the nightmare is beginning again...
    I'm glad you held your ground, even though your husband couldn't bear it.
    It sounds like your daughter is very resourceful.