I haven't really kept up with this blog. I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again.
At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks. What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks. Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past. It tells me, I just might be detaching completely. Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need?? I don't know.
She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either. What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time. I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update. She has not been on there in a few weeks.
People ask me if I have called the police. Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in. The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past.
I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive. I thought we had that pact together. She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking. I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.
My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation. I was giving my "mom talk". He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born. I couldn't stop having manners if I tried! I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have. He said, what about Emily?? I said, ok you are the only son we have. He said what about Dad's first son. I said ok, you are the only one that counts. Did I inflate his ego? Did I speak the truth? Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left? Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact? I think I would. It's probably just more heightened now.
So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days. All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening. Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.
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I wish I could detach that much. I don't know what it is but my son won't stay away or not call. He doesn't have a phone but will still find a way to call. I do think at times that is good because I know he is alive but the drama that follows is so damaging that I wonder.
ReplyDeleteMy son was here a little earlier and nothing bad happened but when he left I couldn't help it I cried a lot. My younger son looked at me and said is it about B again? Yes it is, I am just sad he can't live here and it hurts me that he hurts so much and won't get the help he needs. Then I looked back and my younger son and told him, "Thank God I have you."
I have that same feeling that you worry about with your son. Will the same thing happen? Will both my children be addicts? Will something happen to my younger son? There are times I feel he is all we have too.
I do hope you hear from her soon.
Detachment is a discipline that takes much practice to achieve.
ReplyDeleteYou've been practicing for along time.
I reached that point of detachment with my daughter when she was in the depths of her addiction.
I wouldn't see her for weeks and weeks, and to tell the truth, it was fine by me. When she was around the drama was too overwhelming.
I practiced detachment to the point I have no relationship with her now even though she is recently out of rehab and living in the next Town.
I am raising her children and only talk to her about visitation. 17 years of drug addiction damaged our relationship to the point where we don't have one anymore.
I love here, but prefer to have nothing to do with her.
Hope your relationship with Emily won't get that damaged.
God Bless
Thank you both! I appreciate the support. It's definately one of those things where if you haven't walked in those shoes, you don't understand. Luckily many have not walked in our shoes.
ReplyDeleteI hope our relationship doesn't get that damaged too.. but there is NO relationship if we don't where she is and she doesn't call. Brings that statement "accept the things I can not change" to another level.. for sure.
Thanks again! Praying for all our families!
Kelly
It's my belief that "eventually" our children's brains are so damaged by their continual drug use that they can't have a relationship with us again. They don't know how, they lost that ability.
ReplyDeleteI don't take it personal anymore. I see it as a brain disease and not a moral decision.
When I began to change my "attitude" about my son and his disease life became a lot calmer.
It's not an easy path for any parent.