Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Monday, August 29, 2011

Actions Speak Louder than Words

It's All About The Actions.  And the Actions prove she is still not ready.

I, for some reason, watched Dr. Drew last night. He had Nicolas Cage's ex wife on. They have a son who is in a heavy metal band and an alcoholic. He stressed..many times, You Can Not Save Your Son. Only he and God can. You can not love them enough. You have got to remove yourself from their problems, or you get sucked in, you become part of the problem, not the solution. You can not love them to death. He kept saying, I need you to hear me on this, it's very serious.

I felt for a minute he was speaking to me.

Having said that, if she asked to see a doctor, a psychologist, go to the dentist, anything like that, we'd be there in a heartbeat. But, I am not begging her. I feel lucky the hosp did run testing on her... said surprisingly, she was the lucky one, even her liver enzymes are A-ok. Gives me some peace for a while.

When you say, tough love and rehab has not worked, I get that. I would love nothing more than to have my daughter back. Feed her, water her, watch her grow... but, to be honest, I doubt she would even do that. As my husband explained to me, she was thankful, thankful for the ride. She was not remorseful or humble. She never asked about me..nothing.. Not how is Mom doing? I will tell you Andy spoke with her on the phone. He grab the phone, he was YELLING.. you have ruined my life since the 5th grade. You have taken our family away.. She hung up on him.

She has totally blocked my husband from facebook. He can not even run a search on her. That was their 1 way of communication. I consider than an action. Not a good one. He emailed her. Nothing. He was nothing but a resource to get her here, just as I was a resource to get her there. I have no desire to track her down and go knocking on some parents home and beg, insist, fight to get her back..when she doesn't want back. She is a wise street person now. I honestly in my deep heart, soul feel, if I let her back, I would be the one in a mental hosp. I don't know this life. I don't want to know..I dont' even like what I do know. I feel I have been lead into a world I prefer not know about.. and not by choice.

She is smart. I believe she knew it was the weekend and there was nowhere for her to go. We been thru this before. So she said she would wait til Monday. Meanwhile she would call my husband on Sunday. That never happened. Monday is here and she has no plans to go get help. If she got into a rehab, the medical part would take care of any problems and they do a psych evaluation and would work with that too.. but she has no desire. She also knows what she was doing,is very new and nobody knows what to do. My husband even offered as a case study and nobody would take her.

He said she kept bringing everything back to money. He said she would say so and so did this to me. He would say, why do you think that is? She would say..the money.., He would say no, because they are on drugs. People that are not on drugs don't do those kinds of things. That's one example. He asked her why she thought she was in this situation, she said because of the money. He said no, because you are an addict. So in that way, she is not smart.. she doesn't get that.

I also know from the past. She calls him, when she isn't serious or knows my boundaries will be tougher. IF I had picked her up, I would have gone thru her things. I would not have let her in my car with drugs. I also would not have let her in my car without taking her phone, getting her email and password. Period. Take it or leave it. My guess is she would have left it. She'd find a bus ride back. We believe she wants to set up business here.


  1. I sure do get the part about being involved in a world you want nothing to do with. It is a world we assumed one entered only as a consequence of repeated terrible choices. But these are not our choices.

  2. I am so sorry that you are going through this. At the end of the day, these addicts are still our babies and it is very hard to sit back and watch the destruction.

    Addiction is just so complicated. My son did cocaine recently and something else and he told me, "Well at least it isn't Heroin because that is the drug I am addicted too!" I couldn't even reply that comment was so incredibly stupid.

  3. Hugs to you Kelly. Big huge hugs. I'm so sad, reading this. I have this memory of Emily. It was when you guys visited here. She was sitting on the hotel bed, just out of the shower, in her pajamas. I remember thinking how pretty she was, how funny she was and how easily she conversed with all of us "old hens". I wish we could go back in time, and protect our kids from the crap that lured them away. Love you.

  4. I know the pain you feel and I too, am so sorry to read this. If only I knew some way to take the pain away but all I know to do is pray for you and your child. I have lived through this phase of addiction with my child and now I have no contact with him. It is a sad and lonely place but I feel I must continue my own recovery path.

    In prayer for you and your daughter.