CONTROL

There is reason I didn't become an addict.    I was talking to friend I recently actually met from ODR (opiate-recovery board),  and it became clear to me.  In between my 2nd and  3rd back surgery, I was taking percocets or Oxycontin every 4 hours and actually told to enhance it with alcohol.  If that doesn't set the ground work for a pill addict, I don't what does.  She (my friend)  felt I was just one of the "lucky" ones.  I'd like think I differently.  I like to feel in control.  I couldn't wait for my 3rd my surgery to get off those meds.. sure hand me some Lexapro for awhile, because my life as I knew it changed, but get me off these pain pills.  I walked out of the hosp.  that night of my 3rd surgery and was off all pain pills within 4 days and don't remember experiencing any with drawls.  But in my mind, the pills were for pain and and I was no longer in pain and gained my control back. 

But control is a double edged sword.  When addiction hits your child or any family member or any close friend, there is nothing you can control.  It's hard to sit back and watch the addiction control your loved one.  I still struggle with it a lot!  Let go and trust.. Yea right!  If I am not proactive for my children, what kind of mother am I?  Talk about struggle... I guess luck was on my side.. I didn't reach for my old bottle of percocets to get me thru. 

We had not heard a word from the place I dropped Emily off at in mid October.  I had called, emailed, sent a letter.. and found their facebook page, where I politely asked how I could get a hold of someone with my "business" questions.. which was promptly deleted within 4 hours.  I had no control.  No way to get ahold of anyone.  We finally got a generic letter about their "family day" Dec. 12th.  They suggested we donate items to their program... that was my loop hole... I told my husband to call and find out what donations they are looking for ( since they are not responding to me).  They called him back the next day.

Sure, I will donate some shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, contact solution... but I got the information I wanted too, which was my goal.

The first night Emily was there, at dinner she broke down and cried.  She was overwhelmed with the hot food , clean bed, showers.  She thought she would be in a homeless shelter or on the street.  The out of control levels a family stoops to , to get their child somewhere safe is actually uncontrollable... isn't it?

The woman my husband spoke to is 50 years old, she completed the program a year ago.  She said Emily is their most extreme case of anyone her age.  Due to her young age, she has lived the lifetime of an addict in such a short amount of time.  Their program is the end of the road, which they state on their website.. the next step is jail or death.. and that's where my daughter is... obviously I had no control. 

Besides the normal we hear about her, sweet sweet girl, bright, such potential.  We heard a new word.  Emily is grateful.  I would never put Emily and grateful in the same sentence.  If she were sober for 10 years, I still don't believe we would hear those 2 words together.  ( made me think she is faking it, playing her game)   We heard about her rebellion.  She is struggling with the rules, all addicts do, you know they above the rules.. we know this too.  But I was surprised again about what rule she was rebelling about, clothes.  The woman said this is normal.  It's a psychological thing.  The girl addict's control.  And the place's goal is to teach them, it isn't what's on the outside, it's what is on the inside.  Emily never wore tight clothes, she never wore those shirts above her pant waist.  She has no chest, so no tight shirts for her.. but that changed in the last year or so.  I suppose dancing at clubs made her see her body in a different light or she knew if she dressed a certain way, she got what she wanted or needed at that time. And now that became a habit.

We asked if it was too soon to see her.  We are afraid she will ask us to leave there.  The woman said you would not have been invited unless we didn't feel Emily was ready.  And if she asks us that, we are to find the woman and all 4 of us will work it out. 

So my husband officially RSVP'd for he and I.  She said I thought Emily's brother was invited.  We said he was, but he is unwilling to come.  She said that's ashame, but that's the consequences of our actions and we loose a lot. 

And yet again, I have not control.  I would love for our whole small family to go, as a family unit.  But, my son is 18, an adult and he has his own journey with it and I have found if I try to control that, it back fires.

I know when I see Emily, how she feels and how she is doing and all I can control is my reaction, which might just be none.  Sometimes no reaction is best, since I have no control.