Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Thursday, September 15, 2011

There is Always a Motive

( This was copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Warning this may be long.. but I would love feed back. I don't want this to seem like I'm happy or excited or even see light at the end of the tunnel, because I am not that way. I am basically nothing, numb. I honestly have no feelings one way or another. I am fine with that, b/c if you remember when I described feeling burned.. I am not ready to be fried again.. because that's the point I am at. If I let myself believe her, I will be toast..I know that.

She claims, and I have heard similar before, she is done... she knows God has a plan for her, b/c she is alive and because all her blood tests were ok..and after all she has been thru she should not be alive or healthy. She said I give up. I surrender. I am done. I have no money to get anything, I have not friends to contact to help me or get me anything. She lives in a basement luckily it's a "mansion". Watches HBO and Showtime all day... bored silly. Has had time to think. She wants help.

We had decided that, she had to get herself into a program. She needed to complete that program in full and it had to be 90 days or longer..and then we will talk. She actually said, 90 days is not enough. So after a bunch of her yacking... we said bottom line what do you want from us? Why are you here?

She said she got a job? She would like a ride if it's raining. She would like to use a phone to call rehabs and programs. She would like a ride to the library to use the computer to find a program. Maybe a meal once in awhile. She mentioned several times how she had no clothes, no shoes. I came back with, sorry, I have bought you enough over and over again. Save your money from your job. She said she knew and wasn't saying it b/c she wanted to buy more.. but that helped bring her to the realization that she has nothing. But, she is now willing to do the work for something.

She kept bringing up school, college. Finally my husband said.. that's not a possibility now, you have to do the hard work first, before you can consider school. So he is picking her up and taking her to the library for an hour or 2 today. I did not volunteer to do anything. He jumped , so I let him. I am not ready to get near that stove again any time soon.

That's probably selfish... but to be honest here, I have been feeling "off".. I went to the dr last week and Friday I got the news I am hypo-thyroid now. Started the meds, but it might take awhile to tweak it. Again, I am reminded that, my health is first.. funny how the timing of it all worked out.

She talked about how she never had gratitude before. She is learning it now. I am not sure if you can learn it or if it's just "there". B/c I have always said, I have learned you can't instill common sense, gratitude, etc as a mother. She admitted she was a pathological lier. She admitted she steals but knows its wrong. She would like psychological help, EMDR or whatever our insurance would cover. IOP is ok, but she would rather do long term inpatient. We said we would be happy to give resources and the use of our phone, but not do the work.

So we shall see.. it can go either way for her.. but, I know the way it has to go for me.. and that's to keep going, keep doing what I am doing, one foot in front of the other and keep busy.

1 comment:

  1. My hypothyroidism makes me feel weak and because of that I barely do things on my own. But so thanks to desiccated bovine supplements, my energy levels has improved! Now i can very much do anything as i pleased.