Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Warning this is Raw as it's happening Now

All this is happening right now. All I can say, is Thank God for the Salvation Army! I will be putting more money in the red buckets at Christmas time.
Emily got kicked out today. We all knew it was coming. I don't even remember where I left off on my last blog.
Anyway they had a meeting on Monday about her. Only 1 of the house mother's voted to make Emily leave. I will refer to this woman by her name, because I don't care, Gloria. Gloria has caused us to walk on eggshells since I met her. Gloria was put in a position of power that Gloria shouldn't have. But, we all knew this. My thoughts are she is very angry and unhappy and karma is a *itch. I also believe people like Gloria are put in our lives to learn something. Gloria does not like Emily , or us for that matter.
So after the meeting because only Gloria voted to kicked Emily, Emily could stay. BUT, she was on restriction, meaning back to square 1. She couldn't go to meetings, call her sponsor, us, etc. And can't get a check mark or she would be out. I knew this wouldn't last too long. I knew it was a matter of time.
This morning Gloria said one of the girls in the house could take Emily to a meeting. Aarica, whose in the highest phase. Emily had to stay with Aarica, it's the rules. So in this way, I feel Gloria set Emily up.. Emily should have smelled a rat. The girls went to the meeting. Aarica stopped at Drug Mart and got a pop and cigs. Emily got kicked out, she was not allowed to go to the store. Yet she had to stay with Aarica.
My husband went up to get her. Here is another inconsistency. When a girl is kicked out. They drive them to the Salvation Army. Gloria would not drive Emily.
So my husband called me several times on the way up there. He wanted to bring her home. Stating she could get her job back at Starbucks, her licence, save money, etc.
I had to be strong. I felt this is the time I have to be strong. Little did I know, I would have to find even more strength during the course of this morning... I said no she can't come home. Physically, I can't take it. I am just on mend and I can't get sick again. He said to me, your sickness was a thyroid, that is taken care of now. I said, it was brought on by stress. My Dr. didn't have to throw my into hypo thyroid, he could get back to normal because it was stress.
Then he said, ok, I will bring her back for a short time, until we can find another place.
I said: There are 3 of us living here, Andy has a vote too. You better call him. My vote is no, she can't come home. He hung up on me.
Calls back and says, ok, I will tell her, because of her Mom, she can't come home.
See, the addiction and her crisis es divide us.
He got there and all the girls were in an uproar. How unfair this was, etc. They are gonna do something about it. They will help Emily. So and so can get her job, so and so will have her over to her parents for dinner, etc.
Emily got in the car and said, going home is not an option. There are too many triggers, too much for her. She calmly said she wanted to go to the Salvation Army. They found it and my husband got out of the car to go in with her and she said No, this is something I have to do.
There is a bed for her. She can't go until 4:30pm. They are to be out of the center during the day to find work. She called me and said, it's not most glamours place she's been, but it will due.
I am crying.. sobbing.. still am for that matter. How does a Mother put her daughter in the Salvation Army shelter? I needed strength to make it happen and now I need strength to follow it thru.
When a person is almost 7 months sober, is living at the Salvation Army a reward? Is the right thing to do? Will it cause her to go back to her old ways? Am I doing the wrong thing? Will something horrible happen to her? Can I live with the guilt? It seemed much easier to "throw" her out when she was using. That was a no brainer to me.. but this.. this is just plain sad... numbing.. We have always been able to pull an option or a string in the past, those are all used up and this is where we / she is. Do I have the strength to do this? I can't answer that.
She is very calm. She said she was going to her home meeting tonight and gonna tell her story. She feels she has a lot of sober support there. Someone may help her out with a place to live or a job. She is taking this much better than I am.
I started sobbing when I talked to her. She asked why? Why?? I HATE addiction.. it's sending my baby to a Salvation Army. She said Mom, I can't do this now... I have to hold it together, I will talk to you later.
She has no money, no phone.. God only knows... Just keep my baby safe and sober please...


  1. Oh Kelly. I wish I could fly to you right now and give you a hug. Sounds like Em is STRONG, and getting stronger. You are ALL in my thoughts and prayers, every day but especially today.

    Love you!

  2. I read your post just before lunch and I spent my whole lunch break thinking about this post.

    I'm going to say a lot of things, every bit of it you already know and it's probably going to be a bit dis-jointed but here goes.

    1) Only you know what you can take and can't take. Be strong and be well. There may be a time for her at home but you know right now is not the time.

    2) It is great if two people are on the same page but many times that is not the reality. The next best thing is one person has to understand and accept the other's position. The one that bends cannot be the one that bends every time.

    3) It does no good to blame Gloria. Good, bad or indifferent Gloria is just doing her job as she percieves it to be. Emily's hands are not clean in this either.

    4) Emily is an addict. You know NOTHING is ever as it seems on the outside or just looking in at a snapshot in time.

    5) You nor your husband or even Emily knows what this transition will do in Emily's recovery. Parents of addicts, we ALWAYS assume the worst and hope for the best. We have been trained that way.

    6) If Emily is serious about her recovery this is only temporary and there will be a day when she needs you help more than she does today. Right now work on "you" so you are ready when she needs the help more and you are prepared with the right help. The desperate seldom know what kind of help they need. Do not allow yourself, Emily or hubby to be desperate.

    7) "She is going to her home meeting tonight...." We all know this is what she needs more than anything. Allow her to this help on her own. Something to be said for "wanting it" and "making it happen", a sense of accomplishment and success in the face of desperation.

    8) Sometimes we think of our addicts as helpless and weak. We must "save" them. Our addicts have bcome stronger and more resourceful than we give them credit.

    I'm only bringing all of this up like this because I have gone through all of it and made all the mistakes.

  3. Thank You Jenny and Ron.
    Yes Jenny- I wish you could fly on plane and make me smile and laugh. I kept isolated today, not answering my phone, except for Doc and Emily.

    Ron - Thank you.. just Thank You. You are right on all accounts. I greatly appreciate your time for spelling it out to me. I needed to "hear" it. Your right - I think of her as helpless and weak. Maybe I am the helpless and weak one??

    Emily's old sober living mentor told her to make ammends to Gloria.
    The girls from the house are drafting a letter to the higher ups
    The rehab she went to before the Beacon House has offerred her their womens sober living home attached to the rehab
    Her friends from there have offered her a ride there

    She felt she had made her ammends about the last incident. She said she was ready to work the consequence out too.

    I have a problem with Gloria.. I will do something, I just need time to figure out the most logical. I want to say.. pick on someone your size/age. Maybe I will just let it go? I don't know yet.

    I left her a message on her facebook. It just said: I love you.
    She wrote back and said I love you too, this will work ok.

    My eyes are puffy, red, my head hurts, I haven't eaten anything today... but I will keep going.. I have to.
    Thanks so much

  4. I know it must be difficult NOT to worry. You did the right thing. Let her spread her own wings. Deep down we all know what's best for OURSELVES and we need t learn to do just that for US. She know's what's best for her, and you have to have faith that she will make the best choices for her. It's her time to fly now, all you can do is sit back, watch, and hope she takes with her all that you have taught her.

  5. Praying. I can't say more than that. There's just too much pain today.


  6. Oh Kelly, my heart goes out to you. I will be praying. I'm so glad that Ron took the time to write out his thoughts on the matter, what a great community we have here. This statement Ron made is so true "Our addicts have bcome stronger and more resourceful than we give them credit." I am really finding this out in my son's life. I hope that you get some much needed rest Kelly.

  7. Thank you everyone! I have read Ron's comments about 10 times! I appreciate everyone's prayers and hope for us/ Emily. It is very much a comfort to me. It's one foot in front of the other today. Which is more than I did yesterday.