Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Friday, September 10, 2010

Just Words??

While Emily was home for her short visit, we had many deep conversations.
How can you tell an addict is lying, their lips are moving
This has been ingrained into me. Do this mean when they are using? Or does this mean even when they are sober?

I had gotten a frantic call from a friend, whose daughter is reaching her bottom. I called her back on the way to the store with Emily in the car and on speaker phone. After they "met" on the call.. my friend went into the details of her current situation. Emily said, can I stop you and say something? My friend, of course wanted to hear an addicts side.

Emily with her, mature voice, and I have never heard these words from her, said: I would not be here, alive, or sober if it were not for my parents doing some very key things. Pressing charges against me, kicking me out, turning their backs on me when I was using. It saved my life. As long as you are supplying a roof over your daughters head, she will not get well, you are helping her die.

You could hear my friend inhale. That's a lot to take in, in 1 breath.

The other conversation we had, was tougher for me. Emily said, Mom, you have to realize since age 13 or 14 I have surrounded myself by addicts... either in active addiction or recovery. So all I know is this.. use, rehab, use , rehab, use, rehab... I have not been around "normal" people my age. I used because I did not feel "normal". I was so young when I started using, my ability to reason and know "normal" was not there and to some extend, it's still not there..yet.

Now this conversation was a result of my comment about meeting her new friends, who obviously had been drinking... that's the context.

She went on to say, normal young people can have drinks on the weekend. Can go play pool and drink a few beers. Normal people accept that when I say I am allergic to alcohol, they don't push it on me. Where as the old friends I had, would say.. just one.. it will make you feel better or offer to rush me to a meeting. I want to be normal... I am dying to be normal... I missed out on it.

The question in my head, is can a young person that went from alcohol to heroin ever be normal? Or can they be normal this soon in recovery...9 months? Nothing in this disease feels normal to me.

So are these just words? Are the lips moving to say what is normal for an addict?



1 comment:

  1. WOW….I have heard the exact same thing from my son about not feeling normal….not really knowing what normal is. There are just so many similarities among addicts as though they were all cast from the same mold. It kind of baffles me really… I have also asked myself the same question about the lying…. I’ve reached this conclusion ~ when he’s speaking of feelings and regret and things of this nature I believe he is sincere and he means what he’s saying. But, that doesn’t mean that later he won’t get tripped up again…I believe Emily was sincere in what she said. I just try not to get to invested in everything he says and hope for the best while remaining prepared for the worst. Like so many others I live with my guard up praying that I live to see the day that I can let it down and exhale…. My prayers are with you and Emily!!