Out with Old, but does the Old ever go out?

I hope everyone had a peaceful Holiday Season. Our was certainly peaceful and calm and drama free.. oh what to do when that happens? I am not used to it!

Like most of the country, the cold followed us to Florida. We had one beach day, Christmas day. This picture is of my son, my Mom and step father as we left Jupiter for Orlando. The day my husband and son went to Universal, Adventureland closed down for too many people. Just our luck. No new Harry Potter ride for them. FYI: We bought the passes many months in advanced, guess they over sold tickets. We also purchased the express passes for 60.00 a piece and they are not good for Harry Potter and they are only good for 1 time per ride. If you want to ride a ride twice, the 2nd time you will have to wait the 3 hours.

My gift came true. No phone calls from Emily, no drama, no crisis, whew. I think I am conditioned to deal with crisis, that it bordered on boring. I was not on high alert. I think something physical actually happens, you body relaxes, the bricks start to lift, a heavy sigh and lightness occurs. All this addiction stuff has turned me off from even enjoying a drink anymore. Guess what? I had several enjoyable drinks. Who can turn down a Pina Colada on the beach Christmas Day from a nice bartender with an Irish accent?

The day after Christmas, 2 good things happened. My Mom wanted to go shopping and get Emily a gift. She has not acknowledged her graduation, birthdays or Christmas's for years now. She did not want to give cash, but wanted my help in picking something out. Knowing her so well, she is practical. I suggested a blow dryer and/ or curling iron or flat iron. Emily seems to have lost, left or otherwise misplaced those things. Or shoes. My Mom loves shoes ( well what woman doesn't). But she is a sucker for a good pair of shoes. She always brought the Stride Rite for school. The good snow boots. Uggs for her college age grandkids. So we settled on Sperry Topsiders. Went down memory lane, when she bought mine at this age. Now they canvas, sequence ones, gold, black glitter ones. We got the classic ones. Both Grandma and Emily were happy.

The 2nd thing that was good. My husband got me a spa treatment at the resort we were staying at for that afternoon. WOW. I haven't splurged on myself like that in a long time. I got a Swedish massage on a warm bed. I flipped over and got a facial. Of course the woman doing the services, got information out of me and she felt bad and gave me an extra facial thing.. took the first layer of skin off my face. I never did that before.. but I glowed afterwards! Next I went to the steam room, took a nice shower with all their products, and then got a deep hair condition and style. When I was done, my husband and son were not back in the room. I know this sounds trivial, but when you are traveling with 2 guys and all the hotels are 1 small room and 1 bathroom, it was nice to come up to a quiet room, look at my clothes, take a minute to decide what to wear, actually try a few things on and not get dressed in a small steaming bathroom. It does a Mom wonders, the night was theirs and I was in good mood to follow whatever they wanted to do. Even if that included finding a loud wings place to watch sports.

On the way home, I got sick. Andy had been sick on xmas, I got it. Only those young kids can recovery more quickly. Mine is still lingering. Nothing worst than being in a car for hours feeling horrible and not having your own bed at night when you are blowing your nose and can't breath.

Emily knew we had stuff for her. Or I had Grandma's gift and I had hit some great sales and got her a few things. So she said she would come over on New Years Day. 3pm. She also wanted my traditional dinner of pork, kraut and mash potatoes. I assumed she was spending the night, but she announced she had to go back because she had to work at 7 am the next day. After dinner, she got up and went to the couch, pulled up the blanket and fell asleep. Humm.. a pattern I saw a lot when she was using. The purse was always at her side again. I didn't have to say much.. my husband said, Get up Em, I will take you back now. She started to argue, but he said, there is no reason for you come here and lay around and sleep. You could help with the dishes, play music with me, play xbox with your brother, but if you are just gonna lay around, you might as well do that at your place. She claims she was just up all night on New Years.. but I know that hung over look, I believe I saw it in her. So her visit lasted less than 2 hours.

I got to thinking yesterday. I shouldn't do that.. really. Sometimes it's best not to think. She was going on and on about her boyfriend... on and on.. what she got him for xmas, what he got her, what she got his family, what they got her... We didn't not even get a homemade card from her. I certainly don't want her spend her money on us.. just as my Mom told us the same thing, we have all we want and need, don't spend your money on us. BUT, a card would have been nice, some kind of acknowledgment to her family to have a nice Holiday. She is very creative , a poem or song would have perfect. Just a few words on paper or out of her mouth even. Nothing. This does not set well with me.

I took my son out to get his gift for his Dad. He offered to pay or pay half. I said no, it's ok. He did the same with his Dad for my gift from him. I would have certainly done with same with Emily, if she had asked. But she did not.

I said something to my husband last night about it. He actually agreed. He was the one that suggested she leave on New Years day too. I am not going to react to my thoughts now. But, I do plan on saying something to her at some point.

So with the theme of a new year.. Out with Old and In with the New, doesn't really hold true when you have a child that is an addict. Seems more like same old, same old. Entitlement. That's the word that sums it up.

Believe or not Believe- Christmas with Emily

Warning: This post will be long!

Our plan was to get her Sunday. Have a nice Christmas dinner with her and spend the day Monday with her, getting nails, hair done. We are leaving tonight or tomorrow for FL without her.

Her friend that Od's recently, is now in jail. Her Mom texted me telling me that the girls had seen each other recently. There were pictures of them on A's phone. In the pictures A has a nose ring and she didn't get that until after Thanksgiving. All texts had been deleted. So I thought of a plan. Because this information was timed so badly for me, as I was getting Emily for our Christmas.

I picked her up after her work. We were on the road a few minutes, I said let's get the unpleasant stuff over with and I asked when the last time she saw A. She said a long time ago, I have not seen her since I moved from Wooster. I said time to be honest. There are photos of you on her phone, recent ones, she has a nose ring, she got that after Thanksgiving. I said she is in a lot of trouble and the court order her phone to be turned over and they are getting all the texts. Emily said, A, got that nose ring a long time ago, her Mom didn't know, she took it out. I don't care about the texts or anything, I do not communicate with her and haven't for a long time.

Then she said, who are you going to believe? Me, whose almost been sober 1 year or a girl who OD and is not sitting in jail? She said I am trying so hard to show you by my actions. I got a full time job, I am getting benefits soon and paying my rent, doing the right things. So who do you believe? I thought for a second.. I said neither. She said good answer and you shouldn't believe either, but I do want to see the good things I am doing.

I said I have a real hard time believing you have been sober for year. And I wish you wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. ( pictures on Facebook w K loco in your hand)

We get home, haul in her laundry, her boyfriend appears at the door, we all have a nice dinner. I can tell you, I do believe she was not using. There are little things that lead me to this belief.

She left her purse laying around. When she is using, it's attached to her

She wore short sleeves, no marks on her arms

She took off her boots and coat, not hiding things

She was naturally funny, animated

She took the initiative

She did her own laundry

She whined , in her normal way when she didn't get what she wanted instead of blaming us

She verbalized how grateful and thankful she was

So Monday I had a 9 am physical. My Dr's step daughter went to the same charter school Emily went to. I wanted them to meet, since my Dr knows all about Emily and the "players". They met and chatted a lot. Then Emily left the room and my Dr, said hard to believe such a polite, intelligent, articulate girl choose heroin. She said that seems the new heroin type now. And she proceeded to tell me, last week one of her patients was in the waiting room and got a call her son died, OD'd. He had agreed to go on Suboxen and they were planning that treatment the next day. He thought he'd have his last party before starting and he died. I just said, thank god she was in a safe place and I just can't imagine getting that call... ever.

So we headed to get our nails done. That was pleasant. Went to lunch before her hair appointment. Our lunch conversation revolved around addiction. She said the last rehab she went to made the biggest difference. It was "gehetto". It was the bottom. She was in shock she had reached that point. It was not the 550.00 dollar a day place. She could not believe she had ended up at the end of line in her short life over a drug. She said they made her write a good bye letter to heroin. She wrote it and they said it lacked her soul. They made her do it again, and again and then yet again. They made her look in a mirror for 30 minutes without saying anything.. just her and mirror. She looked at that person and realized she wanted to live, she deserved to live, not have a drug take her life.. or leave her with no choices.

Then she told me, she found out everyone at the Beacon House wanted her out. The women, the staff.. wanted her gone. Her counselor L, fought for her to stay. They were sick of her whinny entitlement attitude. They never had anyone so young there and they said she was bringing the house down and not taking recovery seriously. L saw something in her and wanted to keep working with her. She said if it was not for L and EMDR, she is not sure she would be where she is today. She said much later , when she was living in the Salvation Army, there was a woman and baby. The baby was L's grandchild. The woman had a one night stand with L's son... resulting in a baby. This woman told Emily she was just like L's daughter. Nose piercing, guitar always in hand or writing songs and poetry. L never talked about her family or her history. She said it clicked why L fought so hard for her and she was very grateful.

She said somewhere inbetween the "ghetto" rehab and EMDR, something clicked. She said she was a very powerful relationship with God and I would be amazed at all the work she has on paper about God and her spiritual self. She still works hard on that.

And, she feels she out grew heroin. She said now that she has freedom, she is considered an adult, she can go to bars, parties, etc.. it does not have the appeal to sneak out and use. That she has allowed her brain to heal and being rebellious was stupid, but she realized it too late, addiction had taken over before she knew it. She said Mom, it sucked so bad to wake up trying to figure out how to get the next fix. It's horrible to steal and lie to people who love you. That's not me, the heroin was talking. I was a prisoner to it. It ran my life, it had the power I gave it. She said I have to watch it and never let a person, thing, drug, place, take my power. I am aware of it, because I have a healthy brain now. She said she felt drugs had stunted her growth. She said I am flat chested, I am little, like I am stunted at 14 years old. She said she hopes to fill out, physically and she knows her brain is healing. I was going to ask about cravings and such, but she beat me to the punch. She said I am not saying, I don't think about it at times. But I know 1 time will result in my death. She said, I just talk to God and ask Him to take those thoughts from me. She said how many times in her life she has "oh 1 time won't hurt" and it did. She has to always remember that.

Do I believe her? I do believe she was sober for the 2 days she was with us/me.

Someone asked me if I was walking on cloud 9. No I am wasn't, no I am not now.

I am neutral. I think I have worked hard on my emotions, boundaries. Her failures and successes are just that.. hers. I can not and will not let them rule my self.

I do know she is a wonderful actress and lier. Second nature to her.

I do know she appeared very sober while with me.

So I am choosing to believe and not to believe, neutral. I am comfortable there for now.

So now we are headed to Atlanta to see the Cavs and then Palm Beach to see my Mom for Christmas and then Orlando, just my husband and son. Stress free as I told her bluntly.

Have a wonderful Holiday! I know the Holidays are so tough for those of us with addiction in our families.

Hugs

Kelly

Dry by Augusten Burroughs

Dry is a memoir written by Augusten Burroughs. He also wrote Running With Scissors. I just finished reading it. I had taken a break from reading addiction books for awhile. But when I saw this book on the shelf at Goodwill for 1.99, I couldn't pass it up. I have always wondered why Emily can make it about 9 months and then relapse. Like at that 9 month mark, something goes wrong. I just couldn't understand why? From all I read and hearing Dr. Phil say it over and over, it takes about 30 to 90 days to change a habit, so by 9 months, certainly the bad habit has changed. Not so with Emily. Here is what Mr. Burroughs wrote about 9 months.

" At work the next day, I feel edgy and worried and frustrated and angry and sad and confused and relieved and every other emotion on that damn rehab feeling chart. Sometimes, a few feelings collect and have a sort of party in my head. Then it seems they all leave and I have no feelings at all. I remember in rehab someone saying that nine months was a turning point. It's like the seven-year itch. I think this must be because we have nine months programmed into us from our time in the womb. After nine months we are ready to make a dramatic change. Be born, or go get drunk."

He obviously relapses... very badly.. for quite awhile. What he learned after the relapse, as he explained to his friend going thru it, was this:

" You're suppose to go to a meeting. I mean , as much as you hate them or if they feel stupid or you just don't want to go. The thing is, if you go to a meeting, you won't drink that day. It's like a minibrainwash. It kind of fixes you for the little while. But then I say, "of course if I'm really wallowing in self-pity, then I will tell myself, ' Pighead, (his best friend who died) would give anything to feel this uncomfortable right now.' So there's always the auto-guilt trip method."

I get it. I understand what he is saying. I get he is using the tools he's been given now. His relapse taught him, meetings , meetings, meetings. How come our kids don't get it? I wish I could gift "getting it" for a Christmas gift, instead of a coat or gift card.

Hugs
Kelly

Still some innocence-Take the Long Way Home

There are those times, when I just want the moment stay, not to pass so quickly. There are those moments, where my mind wanders to the worst, like I have been trained that way, like there is a hidden a meaning.. and I am luckily reminded, there is still some innocence in my life.

Tuesday night my son, Andy and I went to the Mall. He had a few things to get for Christmas. On the way there, he said he wanted to go to Victoria Secret to get his girlfriend a gift. My mind went to the stories I heard from my friends who had 17 year old boys... they found VS his/her oils, body lotions in their bedrooms. My son wanted help picking out a "Pink" hoodie or sweats. She likes the Victoria Secret Pink things. Whew!

Then he told me, he and his best friend decided it was the year to exchange gifts together. They put a 15.00 limit on it. Where does my mind go? Condoms. Cherry swizzlers to smoke. Know what he wanted to get him? A big box of Milk Duds, his friends favorite candy and some funky sweatbands and sweat wristbands. Whew!

We were driving home and there lots of Christmas lights up. This town goes all out. He asked me : Mom, do you ever take the long way home to look at the lights? I said : Do you? He said oh yes, I love them. I remember when we younger you would take us all around town to look at the lights. We remembered the night we ran into Shawn Kemp at a light display. He was, at the time a Cavs basketball player. He had, what I called a tank as a car, but actually it was the first Hummer I had ever seen. We remembered going to the "rich" area, known for their light displays.. and seeing a boy about his age now, dancing into a mirror in his underwear like Risky Business.

I said to Andy, to answer your question, I do not take the long way home to look at the lights anymore. After 40 plus years of looking at lights, I do not think about it anymore. But let's do it now! So on the record low cold night, on the way home from Mall, my son and I took the long way home to look at the lights.

I was reminded there is still some innocence. I allowed myself to stay in that moment and cherish it. I was happy it wasn't about VS lotions, potions, oils, condoms and cherry swizzlers.
Hugs
Kelly

The Holidays

The Holidays - for those of us with addiction in our families, it can mean a bad four letter word. I believe this is where the AA saying "fake it til you make it" comes in. You press on. You go thru the motions.

Ever since 9-11-2001, the Holidays have lost their spark for me. I believe it is the same year my youngest child was told by his best friend there was no Santa. But the loss this country suffered that fateful day, took the spirit out of me. Or maybe it was preparing me for my future Holidays with Emily.

When we moved to Columbus, I was between all the family, so we all met here. I hosted. I am not a jolly person before hosting 20 to 30 some people. I am a Virgo, so perfection was a must and that put a lot of pressure on myself and my family. I will say though, once the day was here, the good times and memories are worth it.

I was faking it , til I made it. Holding my breath no crisis would occur 20 minutes before everyone was to arrive.

I am surprised nobody noticed , at the time, my Parma tree that one year. If you are not from Cleveland, you will know Parma from Drew Carey. My tree was a little white 25.99 tree on top of a table with the value pack of 6.99 for 30 multi- colored glass balls. If that doesn't scream crisis mode, I don't know what does. About this time of year, that year, Emily tried to commit suicide. Needless to say, I was not in the Holiday mood.

Another year, we were sitting in the therapist office 2 days before, doing some kind of intervention, for what, I am still not even clear on. Then there was the school suspension, for skipping, last thing a Mother needs before hosting a bunch of family, is a defiant teen child at home while trying to get ready. But, whatever the situation was, resulted in me learning to "fake it til I make it", which by the way, is something I am still trying to master.

Last year, there was not faking it, I could not make it. I look back and I realize how sick I was, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I owe a big thanks to the wonderful folks at ODR, Opiate, Detox and Recovery Board. There were quite a few others that had been where I was and so helpful in getting me thru. To the point of calling me on Christmas day and chatting with me for hours to get me thru.

Emily had stolen our credit cards and checks right before Thanksgiving. Went to jail. Then went to live with her dealer b/f and his family. Admitted she was having fun using and had no intentions of quitting. I was such a downer, my husband and son went to see the movie Avatar, who knew it was one of the longest movies in history! That left me alone on Christmas day. Not good. I called Emily to come over. She was making demands, that her dealer b/f should be able to come too. He was her protector. He didn't want her coming to her family alone. Did he think we would beat her? Abuse her? Looking back, we might have unbrainwashed her, that was his fear. After many phone calls, she decided to agree to come alone. My husband and son came home from the movie. Needless to say, not a good thing. My son went to the basement, would not even sit at the table with his sister. I, don't blame him, as I was hanging up her coat, there were needles coming out, which lead me to look in purse, more needles... last thing you want to find on Christmas day in your child's coat. They still freak me out, needles. There was no faking it, I was not making it.

I was not "making it"... so bad, that by Feb, I was physically sick. I was laid off my job, due to poor health. Go get well, I was told. I still do not have my job back, due the economy now. But, it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, it was the turning point of me saying, I can't help or support you, I have to take care of myself. But, I can't say, I am making it now either, even after learning all that. I will tell you why I feel this way. I believe I have made much progress, this all hasn't been in vain, BUT, I am still "faking it". I am going thru the motions. I could care less what I buy for my family for Christmas, I could careless what I receive.

You want to know why? Because there has been another crisis. I won't write about what it is, for 2 reasons, it really doesn't matter exactly what it is , and secondly, it is not my story, but Emily's. BUT, it is something that has put another dark cloud over the Holidays, separated my husband and I on what to support and what not to. The bottom line is, as long as he keeps supporting her financially for her mistakes or crisis's, she will not learn, she will not become an independent adult who can solve her own problems.

This comes after our Thanksgiving. Emily was 3 hours late. Turkey's don't wait. I faked it that day too. I listened to what every parent wants to hear. She told me her friends have told her all I did last year to save her. That I worked tirelessly, that I love her so much. One friend told her I was the last person he had texted with before his car accident and he remembered thinking, he only wished he had a mother that loved him like I loved her and she was so lucky. She thanked me for all I have done, she had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. And look how far she has come in a year, she was at Thanksgiving with her family.. what could be better? She said Grace at dinner, it was long, I don't remember all of it, but I remember, something is "off". That Mother's institution.. a nagging feeling in between her words of being sober for 10 months.

The 3 of them decided to go to Blockbuster for a movie. I saw her purse sitting here. I went thru it. Nothing. I didn't believe it, I went thru it again, check the lining for a hole this time, nothing. Breath. Exhale. I went to the counter and saw her phone charging. I looked at the texts. Guess what? Oh come on, you know you the answer as well as me. Texts from her dealer b/f from last year. Drama, swearing, crap. Texts about standing on the corner waiting for grams, oxy's, X. Texts on buying up all the 4 Loco's. Texts about how she thought there was arrow on the work schedule and she was really off on Thanksgiving... that she had been moved to work on Black Friday. You know the excuses.. you've heard them all, as have I.

What did I do? I wrote the names and numbers down. My son noticed I was "off". So I told him, I should have. But you know what he said to me.. you know and I know and that all that matters. Get rid of the numbers, there will always be more numbers, more dealers. Don't waste your energy. He was/is right.

So this year, the 3 of us, my husband, son and I are going on vacation for Christmas. We will be with my Mom in Palm Beach, who is so excited, surprised and happy we are coming. She has called me 3 times going over menus, gifts, schedules. I hope I don't fake this year, I hope it is sincere and just what we all need.. Mom and Grandma to brighten our day.
Happy Holidays
Hugs
Kelly

There was an OD and the chick is dead

This was a text my husband got from Emily's old landlord.

There was on OD from Heroin in Emily's apartment and the chick is dead.

I immediately thought it was Emily's current apartment! But it was her old apartment.

My husband forwarded this to Emily and I. Emily said.. it's Aarica ( her best friend at her program, and like a 2nd daughter to me).

I speak regularly to Aariaca's Mom on the phone.. we work thru our bad days together, we share information, we pray our kids make it thru another day with their disease. It never occurred to me Emily was speculating...

I called Aarica's Mom. I asked if she had talked to Aarica that day.. I said more importantly, in the last hour.... she said no. I asked if Aarica was working.. she said no... Then, shock took over me and in most indelicate way possible.. I said... They are saying Aarica is dead... I said this 3 times to her. .

She made several calls to the police and hospital.. no one would give her any information.. thanks Hippa laws... Aarica just turned 22, she is an adult. But, don't get me started on that fact parents will get the bills and have the do not recessitate power... but not the power to find out what's going on with our child.

I spoke to Aarica's Mom most of the time she was driving to the next city where Em's apartment was.. I didn't have the address and at that very moment Emily's texts ran out.. so I was guiding them in from memory... nobody there.. they were off to the hospital. She got a text from Aarica's boyfriend.. she is dead.. DOA.

We hung up..and I sobbed.. sobbed like no tomorrow.. sobbed thinking that this could have my daughter.. sobbed that world will be missing a beautiful girl , with the biggest smile and brightest eyes when she is sober.. sobbed for a family that will never be the same...

I went into overdrive. I called Emily... her phone worked, but not the texting... I feared this would put her over the edge...and wanted her safe at home. She agreed to come home... and I would take her to work the next day at 11 and then head up to be Aarica's Mom. I am pretty good at answering my kids questions, lots of practice. I also pride myself on my talent to be able to change the subject quickly without them realizing it... but I could not do it this night. I could not answer Emily's questions, I could not comfort her in the way I should be able to, because I was hurting too. I could not switch subjects, because this one was heavy, all around us in my car.. not leaving... So I was honest... I don't know Emily.. I just don't have the answers.. we are both in shock... there is no right or wrong... this is raw pain.

Aarica's Mom told me, she would call me as soon as she knew what was going on. I knew from Emily... that there were 3 people in her old apartment. The boy shot up and OD'd, the other girl was reviving him, while Aarica shot up.. She shot up while the boy was Oding... Something went wrong.. and Aarica was Oding.. the girl called Aarica's boyfriend.. he came and held Aarica as her tongue was hanging out and blue , her eyes rolled back in her head.. she quit breathing.. He, thank god, had the sense to call 911.. because the other girl was just worried about getting in trouble.

3 and half long hours went by.. and Emily and I prayed... I said.. I gotta call.. I don't want to bug them.. but if they are at the hosp still.. maybe that means she is alive?? I called, I was transferred to the ER , good sign... ER transferred me to her area.. Aarica's Mom answered.. said she would call me soon.. but yes, Aarica was alive and getting ready to do a tox screen.

Aarica's Mom called me, we talked til 2am. Aarica arrived at the hosp as DOA.. their Minister was there reading the last rights and they were working on her... they had cut all her clothes off.. and they were reviving her... She had peed and pooped.. so I guess that does happen when you die.. they were shoving forms in Aarica's mom hands.. saying they have no idea what the brain damage will be, she had been dead for so long, quite possible she would be a vegetable. If she signed the forms, they would quit trying to resuscitate, or if they got her breathing, she could have the plug pulled. She did nothing.. shock.. and Aarica came around...

Of course Aarica doesn't remember anything... she was not in a good mood... and against Drs orders she left the hosp in the gown and went home to her boyfriends house... they were worried about broken ribs from recessiting.. and other injuries. But she is an adult and left with her boyfriend.

The story went.. Aarica and her b/f had a fight the day before. He happens to have a local 15 year old girl preg.. due any day now.. he was texting her and would not let Aarica see the texts.. so she left and knew Emily's apt was empty and stayed there for a night or two. Aarica is on probation. Her b/f is on probation and the other boy in the apt is on probation too. They were all given this program or treatment instead of jail and they all got kicked out, just as my daughter was.

The other boy was hauled off in hand cuffs from the hosp.. 5 warrants, going to prison

Aarica's b/f had a dirty test the week before and left for jail the next morning

Aarica met with her PO the next day.. told him everything.. technically she should have gone to jail.. but didn't. Which leaves her mother in a bad situation... she wanted her in jail... and only those of us with addicts know jail can mean good things for our kids.

But by the grace of God, she is still with us and has a chance to reach her potential.

I have to say.. I have heard of Od's... such a tragic loss.. but I have never actually never known the person.... my adrenalin was on overdrive for 2 days... it wiped me out...

My husband said he could not get the Neil Young song out of his head.. the needle and the damage done. I could not get the song by Billy Joel out of my head.. Only the good die young.

I woke up the next morning.. to notice a friend of mine from high school died. I read the obit.. he had been in AA for over 15 years.. he touched a lot of lives.. was a special needs teacher for middle school students. This didn't make sense to me... I found out later in the day.. it was ruled a suicide.. and his 12 year old son found him in his car in their barn. I hope he found he found the peace he was seeking and I hope even more his family and 3 kids can find peace and some sort of comfort.

Standards Vs Expectations

I am confused between standards vs expectations. The reason is because I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. Related to the Mother's statement on her daughters drug use. She said, she found a pipe in her daughters car and she expected her to experiment and try misc drugs.

Dr. Phil said... My my, how we've lowered our standards as parents.

Then went on to say, not all our kids experiment, etc.

It got me thinking... In my Polarity classes and thru therapy, I learned to get over my expectations of my daughter or other people. Because they are just that... MY Expectations. People, including my kids, husband, family, shouldn't have to try to live up my expectations. So I worked my butt of on that... let go of expecting my daughter to go to college. Let go of my expectation of my daughter staying in a program. Let it all go.. Let go that my husband will not be on the same recovery path as myself. You get the idea...

But...

When Dr. Phil says, how we have lowed our standards, I get confused. Again. Does standard mean, within the laws of society only? So it's illegal to do drugs, per society, so if our children experiment and we are ok with it, then we have lowered our standards? Or is it an expectation of ours that our children don't experiment with drugs? Not all that "experiment", go on to be addicts. So, I guess my confusion is directly related to having an addict child.

And some of my confusion is because, again, thru therapy, I learned at a certain age, we as parents, are no longer our child's biggest influence. Having said that, whose standards are they? The parents, or biggest influence on kids, their peers?

Take away addiction. Take my son for example, who is not an addict. Make it simple. We walked into 5 Guys for dinner one night. This girl that worked there, basically yelled across the restaurant to Andy... HI ANDY!! He barely looked up, claims he nodded to her, but I didn't see it. So our dinner conversation was about his reaction or lack of. I told him, I don't care who it is, but when someone acknowledges you like that, you should be polite and say hello. I felt your behavior was rude. He had his list of excuses as to why he acted the way he did. But, my expectation or standard of him is to be polite, no matter what. You don't have go do something with them or text them, but you can lift your head and say Hi. You never know, you may need a job some day and she is the doing the hiring.

Another simple example is the simple words: THANK YOU. I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years. That meant, I was the driver of many kids for many activities. I can tell you 90% of the kids do not say those 2 little words, Thank You. After the kid would get out of my car, I would say to my kids, why do I do this, if I am not even thanked. I , there's that word again, "expect" you to say Thank You to any mother that is driving you, feeding you, letting you in their home. I expect that. That is my standard, that's how I raised my kids. And I can very assured, tell you, both my kids say it to others now. Emily explained it to me one day. She said, Mom, not all kids are raised the same way we are. They do not know to say Thank You. So those words are not a standard or is it an expectation (?), in most families. I can also tell you, my kids both thanked me for driving their friends around or after I had their friends over to play and took them home, I heard Thank You from my kids. They know I am a stickler for that.. or that I expect it.. or that it is my standard.

So are our standards or expectations different when we had a child that is addicted?

What is the difference between standard and expectation?

I welcome feedback.
Hugs
Kelly