Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Believe or not Believe- Christmas with Emily

Warning: This post will be long!
Our plan was to get her Sunday. Have a nice Christmas dinner with her and spend the day Monday with her, getting nails, hair done. We are leaving tonight or tomorrow for FL without her.
Her friend that Od's recently, is now in jail. Her Mom texted me telling me that the girls had seen each other recently. There were pictures of them on A's phone. In the pictures A has a nose ring and she didn't get that until after Thanksgiving. All texts had been deleted. So I thought of a plan. Because this information was timed so badly for me, as I was getting Emily for our Christmas.
I picked her up after her work. We were on the road a few minutes, I said let's get the unpleasant stuff over with and I asked when the last time she saw A. She said a long time ago, I have not seen her since I moved from Wooster. I said time to be honest. There are photos of you on her phone, recent ones, she has a nose ring, she got that after Thanksgiving. I said she is in a lot of trouble and the court order her phone to be turned over and they are getting all the texts. Emily said, A, got that nose ring a long time ago, her Mom didn't know, she took it out. I don't care about the texts or anything, I do not communicate with her and haven't for a long time.
Then she said, who are you going to believe? Me, whose almost been sober 1 year or a girl who OD and is not sitting in jail? She said I am trying so hard to show you by my actions. I got a full time job, I am getting benefits soon and paying my rent, doing the right things. So who do you believe? I thought for a second.. I said neither. She said good answer and you shouldn't believe either, but I do want to see the good things I am doing.
I said I have a real hard time believing you have been sober for year. And I wish you wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. ( pictures on Facebook w K loco in your hand)
We get home, haul in her laundry, her boyfriend appears at the door, we all have a nice dinner. I can tell you, I do believe she was not using. There are little things that lead me to this belief.
She left her purse laying around. When she is using, it's attached to her
She wore short sleeves, no marks on her arms
She took off her boots and coat, not hiding things
She was naturally funny, animated
She took the initiative
She did her own laundry
She whined , in her normal way when she didn't get what she wanted instead of blaming us
She verbalized how grateful and thankful she was
So Monday I had a 9 am physical. My Dr's step daughter went to the same charter school Emily went to. I wanted them to meet, since my Dr knows all about Emily and the "players". They met and chatted a lot. Then Emily left the room and my Dr, said hard to believe such a polite, intelligent, articulate girl choose heroin. She said that seems the new heroin type now. And she proceeded to tell me, last week one of her patients was in the waiting room and got a call her son died, OD'd. He had agreed to go on Suboxen and they were planning that treatment the next day. He thought he'd have his last party before starting and he died. I just said, thank god she was in a safe place and I just can't imagine getting that call... ever.
So we headed to get our nails done. That was pleasant. Went to lunch before her hair appointment. Our lunch conversation revolved around addiction. She said the last rehab she went to made the biggest difference. It was "gehetto". It was the bottom. She was in shock she had reached that point. It was not the 550.00 dollar a day place. She could not believe she had ended up at the end of line in her short life over a drug. She said they made her write a good bye letter to heroin. She wrote it and they said it lacked her soul. They made her do it again, and again and then yet again. They made her look in a mirror for 30 minutes without saying anything.. just her and mirror. She looked at that person and realized she wanted to live, she deserved to live, not have a drug take her life.. or leave her with no choices.
Then she told me, she found out everyone at the Beacon House wanted her out. The women, the staff.. wanted her gone. Her counselor L, fought for her to stay. They were sick of her whinny entitlement attitude. They never had anyone so young there and they said she was bringing the house down and not taking recovery seriously. L saw something in her and wanted to keep working with her. She said if it was not for L and EMDR, she is not sure she would be where she is today. She said much later , when she was living in the Salvation Army, there was a woman and baby. The baby was L's grandchild. The woman had a one night stand with L's son... resulting in a baby. This woman told Emily she was just like L's daughter. Nose piercing, guitar always in hand or writing songs and poetry. L never talked about her family or her history. She said it clicked why L fought so hard for her and she was very grateful.
She said somewhere inbetween the "ghetto" rehab and EMDR, something clicked. She said she was a very powerful relationship with God and I would be amazed at all the work she has on paper about God and her spiritual self. She still works hard on that.
And, she feels she out grew heroin. She said now that she has freedom, she is considered an adult, she can go to bars, parties, etc.. it does not have the appeal to sneak out and use. That she has allowed her brain to heal and being rebellious was stupid, but she realized it too late, addiction had taken over before she knew it. She said Mom, it sucked so bad to wake up trying to figure out how to get the next fix. It's horrible to steal and lie to people who love you. That's not me, the heroin was talking. I was a prisoner to it. It ran my life, it had the power I gave it. She said I have to watch it and never let a person, thing, drug, place, take my power. I am aware of it, because I have a healthy brain now. She said she felt drugs had stunted her growth. She said I am flat chested, I am little, like I am stunted at 14 years old. She said she hopes to fill out, physically and she knows her brain is healing. I was going to ask about cravings and such, but she beat me to the punch. She said I am not saying, I don't think about it at times. But I know 1 time will result in my death. She said, I just talk to God and ask Him to take those thoughts from me. She said how many times in her life she has "oh 1 time won't hurt" and it did. She has to always remember that.
Do I believe her? I do believe she was sober for the 2 days she was with us/me.
Someone asked me if I was walking on cloud 9. No I am wasn't, no I am not now.
I am neutral. I think I have worked hard on my emotions, boundaries. Her failures and successes are just that.. hers. I can not and will not let them rule my self.
I do know she is a wonderful actress and lier. Second nature to her.
I do know she appeared very sober while with me.
So I am choosing to believe and not to believe, neutral. I am comfortable there for now.
So now we are headed to Atlanta to see the Cavs and then Palm Beach to see my Mom for Christmas and then Orlando, just my husband and son. Stress free as I told her bluntly.
Have a wonderful Holiday! I know the Holidays are so tough for those of us with addiction in our families.

1 comment:

  1. "Neutal." I like that word. I wished I had accepted it a long time ago. "Neutral" is kind of like my "Don't ask, don't tell" policy I used in our family aggreement -- it didn't last, of course.

    You are correct, this time of year is very difficult for us dealing with addiction.

    In prayer for all of us!