Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Homesick Times Two

After a long summer of having my son home from college for the first time, I thought I would have at least 2 weeks crisis free.  But does that really ever happen?  Well, not in my life it doesn't.  

I think most of have discussed that our addicts seems to have crisis's on special days, or occasions, or holidays.  It appears the same is true when they are in recovery.  Emily make contact with us, 2 days before my birthday.  ( Not that I care about my birthdays anymore, but I did have a plan or two).  3 of her main supports or best friends left the program within 48 hours of each other.  As they contacted me, ( which was so very nice of them), I came to realize they all left for different reasons, all seemed pretty justified to me.  However, I knew Emily was very upset.  Then, Cherokee Nations came with a bus and took all their people out of the program.  Emily became the senior person very quickly and she was frantic and panicked.  She said the program is closing.  She needs our help to find her another place.  We made some calls and did some quick research to find out that she was probably correct.  

So what do you do?  You jump, you want your child to stay clean, you want them to make it thru the stress, you will do anything to make that happen.  Right?  Well that's what we did.  

We pulled a lot strings from a whole different state.  We got her an assessment.  We confirmed her current place has no license.  People were being pulled by PO's because they had to be in licensed facilities.  However with all the people leaving her program, the other programs were filling up and beds were being filled as the minutes ticked by.  Her assessment , was eye opening to us.  What smacked me in the face, was be careful of what you wish for.  Didn't I wish and pray for her to be there for years?  What have I done?  The woman that did the assessment is the head of the counseling center locally there.  She said first, you should be so very proud of your daughter!  She wants this so bad, she is working her butt off for it.  She is intelligent, articulate, and in a lot of ways, very lucky to be alive.  She said here are the problems.  The woman who runs this operation is known around here for putting so much "guilt" on the participants.  Makes them feel they can't do it without her.  Exploits addicts.  She said think along the lines of brainwashing.  Your daughter will have nightmares for a long time to come and she will need some deep counseling for "deprogramming".  And unfortunately, your daughter is just the stereo type this woman preys on.  And your daughter is in her web.  

She also said, if it wouldn't be crossing professional boundaries, she would have taken Emily to get her stuff and took her home until she could find a bed for her or take her to reputable program.  So between her and my husband contacting another program that this woman believes in and we had a lot a good about, we got Emily a bed.  

Now to figure out how to get word to her.  We had a ride arranged at 1 pm the next day.  The program is usually only 1 year and Emily will be 1 year in Oct.  But they agreed to keep her for 6 more months, because of her assessment, because of her being a senior person now, doing intakes and office stuff, they needed that.  To me, it all meant, a life boat being offered.  She is one lucky girl!

We called her house and demanded to talk to her alone.  They allowed it.  We explained what has taken place and what the result of her assessment was.  She said, well, the Director took her out to dinner, bought her some stuff, took her around town to show her where she wanted to take this program and basically got to her.  Emily said, I owe this program everything, I wouldn't be sober if it weren't for them.  I said, wait a minute, nobody can keep you sober, but you.  I have no doubt you have enough resources to stay sober and enough to go and use if you so desired.  Here's what she told us, I am an adult, I can make own decisions and haven't you stressed to me that you will only support a long term program and complete it.  That's what I am gonna do.

What did I learn.. again.. how quickly we jumped to HER crisis.  Then came the contact of I am homesick.. I have almost been here a year.. I can make it at home.  I want to see my room, my dog.  Please Please.  Oh, that's all I have ever wanted.. her home.. us to live "normally", so starts the tugs on the heartstrings.  But, we held our ground.  No.  We will see her in a few weeks and I think there will be a lot of heavy conversations, as we have been keeping it light on our family visits, but it's time.  Amazing how they contact us in need, then less than 24 hours they are an adult and don't need us, then get homesick.  I am sure it's all part of recovery, but I need to always remember it's her recovery.

Manchild number 2.  Called me.. humm not a text, but a call , that started out with "Mom, can you talk for awhile?".  Why didn't I say I am busy? LOL.  He broke up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years... or should I say she broke up with him.  He was saying, I loved her, well no, I love her.  Then I had a flash back... don't we all still remember our first love?  How traumatic the break up was??  My `wounded boy.  Of course it's not my place how wrong I thought she was for him.  I just said, well if it was meant to be, there's still so much time, if not, hurt, heal and move on.  

He said, well Mom, I am homesick.  Can I come home?  This kid is never homesick.. that's why I sent him off to camp as soon as I could.  I lived with too many people who were homesick at camp, college, etc, I wasn't gonna let that happen to my kids.. give them their wings.  But there's that tug at the old heart strings again, so I said of course, come home.  I feel guilty saying it to one child and not the other, but the situations are so different.  

I can tell you, he has learned going out with the "hottest girl ever" doesn't always mean her character is what he thought it was.  I have been though this him before with her, but it only lasted 48 hours and usually over a text... lol.  But, I believe she has done enough damage after the fact, he is seeing the light.  His friends are telling him how much he changed when he was with her.  He brought his new roommate over.  Great kid.  He went to the Browns game with another group of guys he hasn't seen, so he is taking the steps not to isolate or sink into a depression.  

I am glad "home" is place my kids want to come to when they need security, somewhere to hang their hat, somewhere they know they are loved and valued.  I also want them to go though these things as pain free as possible.  I can offer them their room, a lending ear, a home cooked meal and love, but I can't make it all go away for them.  Looking around for that magic wand.. must be lost again.


  1. Oh my god Kelly, I am bawling over here!! You are such an AMAZING mom, my friend. So freaking amazing. You are showing your kids such strength, such love...I admire you so much.

    Your kids are going to be incredible adults. I hope you know that!

    love you!


  2. Jenny, You are giving me way too much credit! I feel like a failure in so many ways. I think of your situation so much.. and I am not sure I could go thru it with as much grace and humor as you have done and will continue to do. I wish I could do more for you guys!
    Love ya right back!

  3. WOW! It is amazing..you are amazing. I am sorry to hear what that program is doing. Please keep me posted on how she is doing and where she goes. We do everything in our power to get our children help and then this happens? They prey on desperate parents and wounded addicts. Just pisses me off.