When Did Not Having a Choice of Toothpaste flavor at the Dentist Stop?

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.  One of those dreaded places for me.  For several reasons.  I HATE the dentist.  Something from past I am sure.  We didn't have the best dentists growing up.  And, it's one of those places I don't frequent, so when I go, they always ask about Emily. 

I have to be scheduled for a longer cleaning than the normal.  Adds to my anxiety.  I get the GAS to calm down.  I am usually there for an hour and half or two hours.  So for me, there are few fun parts of going to the dentist.  Even the "free" bag of a too soft toothbrush, small dental floss and travel size toothpaste isn't what I consider a fun part.  To me, the fun part is picking my flavor of tooth polish or paste.  There are so many choices now.  Yesterday, I was not given a choice.  She just used some peppermint thing.  Does that mean I am hitting that age?  Does that mean I have bad breath?  In my head I am wondering, how come I wasn't given a choice.  I should ask!  No, don't ask, you don't really want to know the answers.  Did they take a survey and found most adults ask for peppermint not bubble gum, so now they just give the adults peppermint?  Darn it.. I THINK I want to know why I wasn't given a choice.

Guess where that brought my thinking next.  Addiction.  Yep, go figure, I could relate addiction with not getting a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist.  Only me.  I think when you have child that is an addict and you haven't heard from them... you don't have many choices.  Your choices have been taken way.  You have to wake up.  You have to put one foot in front of the other.  You have to eat, try to sleep, try to smile, try to be social, try to the best for the rest of the family that's around.  Try to act like life must go on.

But the "fun" choices, like picking a toothpaste flavor is taken away.  You don't get to choose to buy her some new cute clothes, you don't get to say, let's do lunch together.  You don't get go see a movie, a play together.  You don't get to say, come over, I made your favorite dinner.  You don't get to complain about the music choices.  You don't get the choice to say "Hey I got the new OPI color, wanna do your toes?"  You don't get to ask about her friends and their families.  You don't get to giggle.  You don't get to people watch together. 

Who knew, not being give a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist would bring all that up??  The only "fun" part of going to the dentist was taken away... and I don't know why.  The fun choices I could have with my daughter have been taken way.. and in reality I don't know why. 

No News is Good News, Well Not Always

I haven't really kept up with this blog.  I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again. 

At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks.  What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks.  Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past.  It tells me, I just might be detaching completely.  Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need??  I don't know. 

She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either.  What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time.  I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update.  She has not been on there in a few weeks. 

People ask me if I have called the police.  Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in.  The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past. 

I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive.  I thought we had that pact together.  She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking.  I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.

My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation.  I was giving my "mom talk".  He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born.  I couldn't stop having manners if I tried!  I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have.  He said, what about Emily??  I said, ok you are the only son we have.  He said what about Dad's first son.  I said ok, you are the only one that counts.  Did I inflate his ego?  Did I speak the truth?  Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left?  Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact?  I think I would.  It's probably just more heightened now. 

So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days.  All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening.  Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.