Quiet but not Comfortable

January 17, 2010

I thought it would theraputic to blog about my life as a Mother to an addict daughter. I will give background information, but I wanted to start this New Year trying to move on and maybe, just maybe help others and learn more.

My daughter is currently in a drug rehab in Ohio. She left on Friday. It is Sunday and we have not heard from her. It's ok.. but as a Mom, I want to hear her voice, I want to know she is ok. However, if I look back, I have spend way too many hours just wanting to hear her voice and know she is ok. So I guess that's why this is the title of today's blog. It's quiet here now, but not a comfortable quiet ... but I barely remember when it was a warm fuzzy quiet. Addiction is always luming.. to rear it's ugly head in the way of a phone call, a knock on the door from the police, etc. Many people have told me, this is your break, your time to relax and not worry... I would love to say that's possible, but the disease of addiction.. I have never quite relaxed. I have certainly done things for myself... massages, reiki sessions, vacations, shopping, eating, being with friends and family.. but there's never that "relaxed" feeling.

I am a worrier, I know it does no good.. I know I can't control the past or future... but it's my nature.. I have worked hard at not being a worrier, but have not mastered it as of yet. I am a planner. I like to have that knowing feeling.. tomorrow I am doing this or that.. next week I have this going on, I need to read this book or need to plan a much needed vacation. On the other hand, I do enjoy spur of the moment things. Someone calls or stops by and next thing you know you are going somewhere unplanned and having a blast. But as far as life goals, finances, work, I like to have a plan. Planning is not part of addiction. To take the saying from AA, One Day at a Time.. well that's great.. being present in the moment is wonderful and healthy.. but for me to do that.. I like to know or I feel a comfort in knowing, there is a plan. To actively take steps to get to goals, to accomplish something.

This not being our first time thru rehab.. I can tell you.. there are not plans. Seems as if they go by One Day At A Time and 30 or 60 days are up.. the clean addict is out with no plan. I have only found one place Montcalm School for girls that would not release my daughter without a plan. However, she was a minor maybe that's the difference.

So I believe this the reason for my uncomfortable quiet... in 28 days there will be no plan, except to say, she can not come home to live anymore. As a Mother, I feel the need to have a plan for her.. even thou it again goes against AA rooms.. they would tell me to give it up to a higher power. I would, if I knew at the same time there were baby steps taken to a plan and not finding herself in another emergency situation.. where to go? what to do? Because this One Day at Time stuff isn't getting much accomplished to stay clean and have a place to live after rehab. Having a roof over your head isn't not going to drop out of the sky from a higher power.

So I sit here in my uncomfortable quiet and worry for tonight.. Tomorrow is another day and this too shall pass, I know this. But this blog is about now, this moment and how I am feeling.
Peace
Kelly