No Real Point of This Post

There is no real point this post.. just because I am in a limbo stage.  Do I turn this way or go that way or stay still? 

There has been no word from Emily.  Which I guess no new is good news.  Except, as the program goes, she was able to send mail and receive mail within 45 to 60 days... except if she keeps getting in trouble, which must be the case, because it's been over 90 days.  So my liberal, no rules daughter is still fighting the system.  I say that, as I am inhaling, I can only exhale with it because she is still there. 

I, personally am all over the board, which results in spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing.  Yes, I am ADD, but a medicated one... so this spinning is bugging me. 

For example, I have 2 new addictions.  Pintrest and Houzz.  They are exactly what I used to do with my little online "deco group" back in the 90's.  There were 8 of us that met on an AOL decorating board and broke off to form our little group.  We posted links, project ideas, decorating tips to each other.  We went as far to take actual photos of our before and after projects, take the film to the drug store to be developed and ran home to scan and upload them to each other.  This little group motivated me!  In fact I just found all the pictures of some my "projects".. including the mauve, burgundy, gold glazed ceiling I did in my kitchen in my old house.  So I thought, great!  Pintrest and Houzz will motivate me again!  But, all I do is put things on my boards or ideabox.  I sorta feel like I completed a project by doing that, but that's far from reality! 

I do not "feel" good.  I can't pinpoint it and I have a long list of excuses for it.  Like I am not gonna tell my doctor, she will just want me to go on lexapro or something.  Let's not forget it's the most depressing time of year, or at least it is in Ohio... that's a great excuse for me!  My mood matches the weather!  That's it!  Hey at least I recognize I am in a funk! 

So what do I do? I go buy Zumba for Wii.  I will do that every morning!  That lasted 2 weeks.  My husband said, we should give up the club membership, nobody uses it.  I said , let's use it together!  Let's meet at lunch and workout!  Ok, we have done that 3 whole times.  I was out of town, then he's been out of town.  God forbid, either us go without each other! 

I keep hearing about the Wheatbelly diet.  So I spent yesterday reading about it.  I even got up, stepped away from the computer, got a box and my goal was to get rid of the wheat things in my pantry.  Well, crap, I just went grocery shopping, I would be wasting all that money!  Put the box away.  So I thought, I will be good and make myself a Lean Cusine for lunch.  A few bake potatoes bites, broccoli and cheese.  Seems like that would fit the wheat belly diet.  Wrong!  In darken letters on the back, it says this product contains Milk and Wheat.  My dinner when my husband is out of town is either toast or Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup.. that would be out!  Boy, maybe this diet isn't for me after all.  But, I will try to more conscious.  I have not had a baked good, toast, bread or pasta for 2 whole days!  That's progress isn't it?

Let's not get into my research on tryamine.  I guess I would have to go RAW and I don't see that happening!  I am all about connivance, but I don't have to be.. I am not working, I am not doing a house project.  I could do it, but where is that motivation? 

Speaking of not working.  I was making necklaces.  I sold well over 100.  I am still selling them off and on.  I certainly go on line an buy what I think I "need".  The USP man comes almost daily with my little crystal packages.  I go to the point of opening the package, putting them on my work desk, because if I put them away in the labeled containers I have, I will forget I have them and reorder them.  I have a friend who knows owners of a few little shops that would love to sell my stuff and will buy them outright.  She is just waiting for me to complete my inventory.  She might be waiting awhile, I am just not motivated. 

I watched the Anderson Show yesterday.  I got mad!  It was on parents calling the police on their teen child.  Have any of these parents walked in my shoes, that said if you have to call the police to parent your own child you are a failure.  I almost got the motivation to write a post on the Anderson site.. but I didn't.  Last time I did that, the show called me to be on it.  That's for another post on another day.

Oh, I look at Craigslist for job postings.  I might go as far as sending an email, but never my resume.  That would require commitment and I am not ready for that! 

It's now almost 3pm, I am dressed.  I have talked to my friend, whom I met on ODR, we talk daily.  I have made dinner, I have done my researching for the day, I got my package from the UPS man.  I made several phone calls, but let me tell you, we have gotten about 2 inches of rain, it's cold out and the dog has not even got out of her cage to out and do her business.. maybe I can't do anything today because I am waiting for her to get up?  Good excuse as any! 

I hoping I get a letter from Emily and I hope I quit spinning my wheels doing nothing soon!

Non-Addicts and Surgery

My best friend from high school had back surgery two weeks ago.  Since I have had 3 of them and I know pain, I offered to help her this week.  I had to keep several things in mind.  She did not choose to take my advice and get a 2nd opinion, so she got her back fused, there are 3 screws and a metal cage around her back now.  I don't know, but my doctor told me that is a last resort for me.  I was also about 15 years younger than we are now.  And I told her my story of how God has a lesson .. I pushed myself too much after the first one and didn't listen to the doctor, I felt better, pain free, so that gave me a license to go back to my normal life, of super mom.. the word No was not in my vocabulary.. so God said you didn't learn, let's do this again and again, til you 'get it'. 

But, what really scared me for her and still does, the amount of meds she is on.  Oxy's, perc's , muscle relaxers.  The words she says , echos in my head.  " I am taking as directed by my doctor".  I realize the pain is high, I realize in today's world, there is no reason to be pain.  But, I also realize how quickly a person can become dependent on them.  And it scares the shit out of me!  I realize the meds do her talking now.  So if I question it, she says my doctor said I only have to be on them for 2 months.  I am sure her doctor didn't tell her that is enough time to become dependent on them.  I just told her, I am so sorry for your pain.  Pain is a horrible cycle.  But, I also want you to understand and have knowledge of what these meds do or can do to a person.  I told her, let's talk in 2 months, but I can't go thru this my best friend from high school too.  All I want is for you to be aware... just aware.  I am not sure how "aware" a person can be on all those meds.  I heard the "excuses", like the oxy's kill my pain, but don't make my head fuzzy.  I am allowed to have 2 muscle relaxers and 2 perc's at the same time. 

And all this scares me for her.  Or for anyone who has to be put on a cocktail like this for pain.  Our lives can change so quickly, and not for the better.

10 Things About Me

I am copying from Anna's blog: Letgohangon.  She has had pretty much one of the worst years of anyone I know and managed to find 7 great things about herself and keep going in a positive manner.  And, it was a refreshing post compared to the subject of addiction.  So, Thanks Anna, copying is the highest form of flattery .. right?

1.  Most people think I am an "Ohio girl".  I was born in KY and got my wedding dress in KY.  I have lived in Exton, PA, Edina, MN, Fairview Park, OH twice.  Rocky River , OH and Sylvania, OH. 

2.  I used to love big parties!  Hosting them, going to them and participating in them.  Now, I enjoy a quality time with a few friends.  I tend to pass on the massive get-to-gethers anymore. 

3.  I love things like energy, crystals, polarity, reiki.  I believe intentions are very important. I believe you get what you put out there.  I believe the universe puts people in our lives at exactly the right time.  I would not consider myself a religious person, but more a spiritual person. 

4.  I have a small family.  My father and I never made amends while he was alive and I am ok with that.  My mom married a man that I can not relate to, due to his own upbringing, we just don't gel and I wish we did.  My brother is 18 months younger than me.  He had a liver transplant about 4 years ago and is drinking.  Again, I can not relate.  It breaks my heart, I wish it wasn't like that.  I love his kids, but his wife keeps us apart, maybe due to Emily?  Maybe she thought I did a bad job?  I don't know, but I wish that wasn't the case and I wish there were more siblings in my family.

5.  I like to give more than receive.  I never know what to say when someone "gives" to me.  Like I don't deserve it or something.  But giving fills my heart... and that does feel good.  If I see something I know a friend will like, I will pick it up for them.  I love making dinners for families in need.  I love donating to the food pantry.  I love just surprising somebody with something little that might make their day.  If someone calls me for help or resource for addiction, I am there to help anytime.

6.  This is hard for me to admit, but I am a reality tv junkie.  I tell my husband that I am a "people person" so these interactions interest me.  Weather it's Storage Wars, Intervention, Housewives, Jersey Shore.. it will be on my ddr.

7.  I have a major fear of the dentist.  I really don't like surgeries either or I will go a step farther, hospitals.  I avoid them.  I will be glad to make a dinner for someone after they have been there, but as far as me going to visit.. that's harder for me.

8.  I think kids are funny... oh and smart!  Their minds and bodies full wonder is so cool to me! 

9.  I am not very good at it, but I do love to do "crafty" things or create.  I like to paint, bead, make stuff. 

10.  I have been "in charge" of many things.  PTA, PTO, benefits, school fundraisers, boosters, etc and what I have learned is you can't do it all yourself and if you have a good group you can do amazing things. 

70

My Mom turned 70 today. 

I did not get her anything.  Not that I forgot it was her birthday.  I did forget it was a big one.  Or did I?  Maybe even for me, 70 is big.  It's in your face that you are on borrowed time.. and I don't want to think about it.  I know it's just a number and you are only as young as feel, etc.  But come on, let's get real, 70 is big, bodies don't work the same as they did when they were 30, 40, 50 or even 60. 

I didn't even want to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday.  Partly, because I knew how she was feeling about this.  But I did call.  And I told her, I am not even 50 and there is nothing I want or need and I know you feel the same, but I will get you something, just what I am not sure yet.  Of course she was fine with it.  She always says don't spend your money on me and I get that, because I say the same to my kids and I mean it.  You can't take it with you. 

But I did find out, she is going to lunch with girlfriends at this resort we stayed at last Christmas.  So I called the resort and got an anti-aging facial for her and they will present it to her at lunch.  Maybe it will make it feel better?  Anything with words "anti-aging" has to be good .. right?

I don't want to go all sappy into what a great Mom she was.  She knows it, I know it and I am very lucky in many ways with her and all her love and support and lucky to still have her around.  The other gift I will give her, will be one she won't know about.  I will answer the phone every time I see her number pop up.  I will respond to her emails within 24 hours.  I won't blow it off and think .."oh, it's just my Mom, I can get back to her". 

So I am raising my glass to my Mom today!  Happy Birthday Mom!  You are the best!  I feel loved and supported by you and that means more than anything to me!  Cheers! 
Oh... and many more!

Love you!

The Stories

I don't know why, but sometimes the stories of addiction in families comes in floods for me. 

I have, what I consider a good friend, whom I have not met in person, but on the ODR board.  I have written about her in my Love blog.  To state the facts.  1.  She is raising her 2 grandsons.  2.  Her son in law just graduated a 2 year program in a year.  Can you say snake?  3.  He is moving in with them this week.  Let's just say this is not ideal for her, but her husband is behind it.  4.  Her daughter walked down the mountain from the program Emily is in now.  Her daughter has no teeth.  Her daughter is depressed.  Her daughter is in an extremely religious program now, as the court said she needs to complete a 2 year program.  She is on a 10 day home pass.  5.  The religious program has adopted 10 non-fixed dogs and asked for volunteers to take care of them over the break.  Her husband volunteered to take 1.  Nobody is walking the dog and it's making messes in house and she is finding she has to keep her own dog in a cage , away from the shelter dog.  6.  Her husband is leaving today until the 4th to see his kids and grand kids in FL, leaving my friend with 2 adult semi - recovering addicts, 2 grand kids, and 2 dogs.

I am in touch with a father of a girl that actually hung out with and semi lived with Emily when she was in KY.  Facts:
1.  The dad and mom are raising 2 of the girls kids from 2 different fathers.  2.  The girl had a 3 rd baby last night from yet a 3rd father.  Here is what he sent me:

 Her mother couldn't go for the same reasons. It's incredibly difficult to see her like that. She looks about 20 years older then she is, all skin and bones, teeth rotted. Kinda reminds me of the WW2 concentration camp victims. Still talking nonsense, like she can't see reality like everyone else does. It's heartbreaking

The Police called us this week.  Facts are.  1.  We will  not get our money back from the check.  2.  Ben and his parents lied to the police and told them Emily came to their house with that check, said I had written it out for "rent" for them.  Since Ben and his parents lied and they can not reach Emily , case closed.  Real facts: The check was stolen, written out by Emily , cashed by Ben and several hours later Emily over dosed.. check the date Mr and Mrs Ben's Parents.  So sad, parents stoop to that level and engage in the addict deceit.

We got a 5 minute call from Emily on Christmas.  She was shaky.  Tired not to cry.  I think they are told not to cry and they are told not to ruin the family's holiday.  She loved her 2 gifts, in fact was wearing them already.  She got tons and tons of gifts from the facility.  Not sure why or how.. except to think they are donations and they have to get them off their "books" or "shelves".  She said it's hard, very hard.  I just told her she is doing great and to keep going and we will see her sometime around Easter.  That we were proud of her and know it's hard, but the reward will be huge.  She said she is in a talent show and that was something to look forward to.  And she loved us all very much. 

Everyone with this disease has a story.  Some more tragic than others, but all have to work thru the process the best they can with the help and support they can get.  For now, our story is on an even keel, who knows about tomorrow?  Breath, just breath I keep reminding myself. 

Holiday Cards

Since my last post, we have heard nothing.  Well, no, I take that back!  We all three got seperate Christmas cards from Emily.  I have to say, from the card choices, she thought about it.  Mine was PEACE.  Every year she would ask me, what I want for Christmas.  I would say PEACE.  What kind of peace she would ask me with her big wondering eyes as a young child.  I would say, Inner Peace, Outter Peace, Family Peace, World Peace, Country Peace.  Peace between you and your brother.  There is all kinds of peace to want.  So my card had the word PEACE cut out with a nice message: Falling softly all around you...
insert the word PEACE.  Shinning gently deep within you.  So I know she thought about what card to send each person. 

There was a short , but tear jearking note.  I also took note her handwriting was clear, good and there were not any misspelled words.  It read:
I love you so much !  Thank you for ALL your love and support through this challenging part of my life!  Can't wait to be a great daughter again.  Love and Hugs, Emily

My husbands card read:
Thank you for putting music into my life!  I can't wait to hear your band, sing with you and be a great daughter again.  Hearts , Emily

My son's card read:
Andy-Baby ( our name for him)
I love and miss you.  Hope you are doing well.  Can't wait to see you and hear all about your new exciting life.  I am proud of you.  Heart ! Em

There were all post marked on the 18th.  So we know she is still there. 

Amazing how a simple little card can make my whole holiday.  Where in the past the lack of even a homemade card had the ability to ruin my holdiay. 

Thank You all for the Support! Times already Changed...

Sometimes the Universe does have a lot of pull in the timing department!  This week one of Emily's old friends stopped by.  He and she were charged together in 08.  They both "went away" right after that.  He was 3 years clean last Aug!!!  He was in from AZ, where he makes his new home now.  This is him and his new beautiful girlfriend.

My phone was ringing... and I was like the phone can wait, I want to spend a quality 30 or 60 minutes with him. 

I retrieved my message the next morning.  3 from Emily.  Crying, choking, wishing I would pick up to help her, but knowing if anyone found she used the phone , she would be in big trouble.  I am glad I did not pick up.  For many reasons.  I was just telling her friend how well she was doing and how she only asked about him and nobody else.  She said she was thinking of leaving and the sleep deprivation was too much for her and would look up on line another program near there which is also long term and free. 

Let me tell you, my heart ached for a few minutes, the Mother in me.  Then I remembered she was an addict.  Her mind works for her benefit only.  So by us having a great visit with her, it opened the door for her to call me and want to move to yet another place, thinking it will be easier and it won't and she won't do the hard work she needs to do and moving to different places over and over again, isn't working.  I remembered she is actress.  She could win awards in that area.  I remembered she is lier, manipulator.  I remembered she is newly sober and things really don't change over a short amount of time, they change by working a program long term.. in for the long haul. 

Several people asked me why I have not called the program to get details.  Several reasons, I like that I am not active in her program.. it's hers, not mine.  I need the break.  I am sure this place is used to this and can handle it.  And I don't wanna get her in more trouble... I know she will be caught and I know they will take care of it. 

The only thing is, if she did leave or leaves, I would like to know.  I know she is capable of doing it and in all honesty, more capable of doing that , than staying and doing the hard work.  I hope they would call me if she left.  Not that I could do anything, but it's not like she is around the corner and in a place she knows how to survive in. 

So please continue to keep us/ her in your prayers and thoughts this Holiday Season.  There is no gift that could ever replace the power of prayers to keep our children safe and healthy.