Actions Speak Louder than Words

It's All About The Actions.  And the Actions prove she is still not ready.

I, for some reason, watched Dr. Drew last night. He had Nicolas Cage's ex wife on. They have a son who is in a heavy metal band and an alcoholic. He stressed..many times, You Can Not Save Your Son. Only he and God can. You can not love them enough. You have got to remove yourself from their problems, or you get sucked in, you become part of the problem, not the solution. You can not love them to death. He kept saying, I need you to hear me on this, it's very serious.



I felt for a minute he was speaking to me.



Having said that, if she asked to see a doctor, a psychologist, go to the dentist, anything like that, we'd be there in a heartbeat. But, I am not begging her. I feel lucky the hosp did run testing on her... said surprisingly, she was the lucky one, even her liver enzymes are A-ok. Gives me some peace for a while.



When you say, tough love and rehab has not worked, I get that. I would love nothing more than to have my daughter back. Feed her, water her, watch her grow... but, to be honest, I doubt she would even do that. As my husband explained to me, she was thankful, thankful for the ride. She was not remorseful or humble. She never asked about me..nothing.. Not how is Mom doing? I will tell you Andy spoke with her on the phone. He grab the phone, he was YELLING.. you have ruined my life since the 5th grade. You have taken our family away.. She hung up on him.



She has totally blocked my husband from facebook. He can not even run a search on her. That was their 1 way of communication. I consider than an action. Not a good one. He emailed her. Nothing. He was nothing but a resource to get her here, just as I was a resource to get her there. I have no desire to track her down and go knocking on some parents home and beg, insist, fight to get her back..when she doesn't want back. She is a wise street person now. I honestly in my deep heart, soul feel, if I let her back, I would be the one in a mental hosp. I don't know this life. I don't want to know..I dont' even like what I do know. I feel I have been lead into a world I prefer not know about.. and not by choice.



She is smart. I believe she knew it was the weekend and there was nowhere for her to go. We been thru this before. So she said she would wait til Monday. Meanwhile she would call my husband on Sunday. That never happened. Monday is here and she has no plans to go get help. If she got into a rehab, the medical part would take care of any problems and they do a psych evaluation and would work with that too.. but she has no desire. She also knows what she was doing,is very new and nobody knows what to do. My husband even offered as a case study and nobody would take her.



He said she kept bringing everything back to money. He said she would say so and so did this to me. He would say, why do you think that is? She would say..the money.., He would say no, because they are on drugs. People that are not on drugs don't do those kinds of things. That's one example. He asked her why she thought she was in this situation, she said because of the money. He said no, because you are an addict. So in that way, she is not smart.. she doesn't get that.



I also know from the past. She calls him, when she isn't serious or knows my boundaries will be tougher. IF I had picked her up, I would have gone thru her things. I would not have let her in my car with drugs. I also would not have let her in my car without taking her phone, getting her email and password. Period. Take it or leave it. My guess is she would have left it. She'd find a bus ride back. We believe she wants to set up business here.

We Turn Into A Resource and She is Gone Again

Thank you for your prayers, comments and support.




I don't really know where to begin. Who and what she was involved in could be a book or movie. These are not exatly bath salts... more or less called "designer" drugs. And Rain, similar to meth. There are 'chemists". What they do is mix things that are legal or banned.. because banned does not mean illegal. Emily got paid ( alot) to try them out. She was video taped and recorded before they went for distribution. But it's basically like a "ring" or pyrmid.. she knew a lot. She could not just leave with all she knew. You dont just walk away. Several people she knew that tried to branch out on their own have gone missing or in jail for a long time. She claims since July 4th she does not remember anything... nothing. This stuff can be snorted, smoked or injected. She snorted it. My husband said all her track marks were gone. She never did say, what made her get out how she did. Or how she got a clear enough brain to know her days were limited.



My husband and she went to several places yesterday, intake , assessment, etc. Either they don't do assessments on the weekend or they say they do not treat this kind drug when she told them what she was addicted to. It was a series of letters or abbreviations, my husband could not remember them. There is no physical w/d. The ER or mental hosps dont treat it. It's too new.. but the effects are all psychological. Unless she is a threat to herself or others..nothing they will do.



I reminded him what he always says: That girl needs deep psychological help. Well now she went and messed with that. Not sure all that can be healed or recovered from.. form what we are reading , a lot of it can be permanent



He said she was extremely edgy, jumpy, he said ADD to the max. Delusional in the fact, she thinks she and the "real love of her life" will be together forever once he gets out of jail. Delusion that she is above and better than working a min. wage job. Her mind jumped form one thing to another. He finally told her to shut up.. be quiet for awhile, he couldn't take her pipe dreams and non sense any more. She ate a lot. They stopped for lunch, she ate a ton, she had him stop at gas stations to get more food. She had lost about 20 lbs. She kept saying she could not think. Her brain stopped working.. that's what she complained about. She could not put a thought together , let a lone a sentence.. it was more in mind he said, b/c she really didn't shut up. Babbling like.



He asked her if she had the urge to use again. She said she did only so she could think clearly again, not in the fact she wants to feel what it does to her. She said she has done so much and really hates the effects. She was ready to go get help yesterday.. anywhere.. unfortunately there was no where to put her yesterday. And we all know today is a new day.



So the question became where to take her. She can't come here. I was trying to think of someone with a cabin, I mentioned a far away state park, a hotel room. My husband said he was not spending one more red cent on her. He wanted away from her. He was NOT in a good mood. So she went to friends parents house. These are enabling parents.. they give alcohol to minors and have a cabinets full of pills.. extremely wealthy. So that's where she is now.



I drew my line and that was she hands her phone over to my husband, she gives me her email and password to take her f/b down. She did not do that. She is posting her location on it. She is stupid to do that and it tells me she is not willing to do anything to get help for herself. She wants those contacts close at hand, just incase. So I am out of it. I just told my husband I will not take 1 penny from our budget to help her. He feels she is an adult and if she chooses to post where she is and contact people to get drugs, then so be it. There is nothing we can do. I disagree, I know her, I have talked to her about, and I know if she is serious, she will do anything and that includes getting rid of her contacts, her sick photos and comments. And she is not doing it.



At this point, we have not heard from her. My husband is not sure he could find the house again..he was rattled when he dropped her off. So again we are at a 50/50 chance if she will ready to make the calls tomorrow. Many of the people willing to help us, have dropped off. I am sure they are sick of it too. Places and people are not returning his calls. I am not doing any of the work.. because I do not believe she is serious at this point.. and I believe she should be making the calls, not my husband.



It was a gorgeous day yesterday.. I only made it as far as the porch. I had no energy to do anything.. so today I woke up and said to myself.. I am going for my walk.. taking the dog to the dog park.. I am going to "live", I am not going to sink into some isolation again, I won't let that happen. I can't give her that control..while she is out living the high life.



So that's where we stand. Ugly basically.

Bath Salts turned into "Designer" Chemicals

I thought I would update you all. You know that gut feeling I get.. I got it strong yesterday (Friday). I made some calls.. I can't really say to who or what or where... . But I did wake up yesterday and text my husband and say, she lost it, when you have time get a message to her via f/b. When he finally could do that, she responded she was checking herself into the psych ward as she typed.

Finally she called. She was in the hosp. They ran blood tests and told us, she is extremely lucky, everything looks ok.. they were only waiting on the liver results. She had been throwing up blood. They had 5 cases of bath salt users yesterday and she was the only "lucky" one.



First her phone only has a browser.. she can not call or text. I never heard of that.. but that's the case. 2nd. I can tell you, I did not speak to her, but I heard her, I wanted to throw up. There was a bucket of weeds on the deck and I almost had to use it... I have never heard anything like it before. Delusion, mentally gone, so far off reality. I know I felt that way this winter.. there was no logic or a disconnect... but this was much worst. I really almost felt like I would much rather be dealing with heroin. At least I know what to expect with that. This stuff is the nastiest I have ever seen. The research I have done is not good. Seems the damage can be very permanent.



First I said, we need to know what the withdrawls are. So that would let us know where to put her. A hosp, a mental ward, a rehab? She said there aren't really any physical withdrawls... it's more mental. I confirmed that. Long story short.. I was trying to do ANYTHING I could b/c she was headed back to the town where my son is going next week to start college. Where she claims she is safe and protected.



She was assigned a social worker. When we finally got a hold of her, she told us, due to the fact Emily has no ID, they could not keep in her the hosp. She told us, she is such a sweet sweet girl and she seems to really want to stop this lifestyle that they were taking her to a hotel for the night. They would pay for the transportation and the room. We would have to get her by 11:30 am today. She could not make outgoing calls, but we could call in. However, she was very tired and she would probably just fall fast asleep.



So we knew there was a 50/50 chance she would be there is morning. But for the 50 that she is there, we need a plan. Of course it's Friday night, nothing is open. All we know, is she can't come home. Then we started fighting over who would go get her. I told my husband, I am afraid for several reasons. I don't think I could handle seeing her in this condition.. my baby. And, her lack of logic, respect, I might push her out of the car on the highway. My husband said he was afraid of the same thing. But he went. He began calling the room at 10 am, no answer. The hotel said she didn't check out, but it doesn't mean she just left. Finally she answered about 10:45. The hotel agreed to a late check out, knowing my husband is on his way.



Now we have no idea what to do with her. All we know is she can not come home.



Part of me believes something I have been told, that she has made some very dangerous people mad.. and they are looking for her to hurt or kill her and we are being used as a resource by her to get her out of there. I don't believe she wants to go to rehab. I can't say how I know somethings I know, but, I can say, she is a lier and manipulator first and foremost. And, she is so mentally gone who really knows.



My husband told her, if she was gonna take off, like last time when he drove 5 hours to get her, just tell him now. She was like what? He said don't you remember I wired money for a motel to that older guy helping you. He got you a room and I was suppose to come get you in the morning? He told her he went there, she was gone, he spent hours looking for her there. She said OMG, you mean I had a chance not to go thru all this? I had a chance at help? She kept saying OMG OMG none of this had to happen. She claims she was sorta taken by these guys that are "chemists" and they experimented on her and she has no memory. She said she has no endorphins left. Freaky Freaky stuff to me. I have no idea what is true or not, real or not. Paranoia and psychosis is huge with bath salts.

So at this point she is in the car with my husband.. to where I have no clue (That was Saturday, I copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Bathsalts

Who knew?  Now it's bathsalts!  What makes a person decide to add another addiction to the long list.

My husband asked me to ask anyone I knew on Facebook that was friends with Emily to get a message to her.  The message was: Don't ever forget you have choices.  I will help you get help.

I said no.  This is not anyone else's responsibility.  And, no, I would not do it myself, she blocked me.  I threw his words to me back at him.  If she can post pictures, opinions, statements, she can certainly contact us.

He did what he said he would NEVER do, created a facebook page.  He sent her the message. 

She responded right away.  Dad, I am so glad you contacted me!  I am in trouble.  I am suppose to go missing.  This thing is bigger than me, people are after me for what I know.  I dont' know what to do.  Please help me.  Dad, I am so sorry. I love you.

He stuck to his bottom line.. I will help you get help.  I don't even know where you are.  I don't understand what the trouble is.

She came back with telling him where she was.  She is no longer addicted to opiates, but bathsalts.  The state she is  a commonwealth state and it makes it so much worst.  She asked for a bus ticket home immediately.  ( That was Tuesday)

He replied, stuck to the original reason for contact.  She does have a choice to accept help.  He would not send a bus ticket she could cash in.  She can't come "home" and commonwealth is just another way to govern.  If she is that scared, get to a shelter, go to the police.  Pick a time and place and he will pick her up and get her treatment.

She wrote back.  Commonwealth is much bigger than the police and there are crooked police and commonwealth people involved.  Please help.

He spelled it out again.  ( Wednesday) and since then there has been no communication.

He is able to separate things.  Not me.  He opened a can of worms and I had to run with it.  I found out as of July 20th the federal felon she hooked back up with was in maxium custody for a whole list of things.  With no release date.  That leaves me to wonder who she is running around with.  Obviously a lot brighter than him, because he keeps getting caught.  I have people ready to help.  Unfortunately, they need an address or phone number and she is not forth coming on that.  I learned she slept and lived in the park for a long time. 

I learned about bath salts.  25.00 to 35.00 a gram.  You can snort it, smoke it or inject.  Indiana just had 3 deaths due to bath salt overdoses.  It's not something to mess with.

So all this has brought be me back to square one.  I am pissed off, mad, disgusted.  I am back to believing there is a choice.  You choose to try something different and more dangerous.  Why not just stick with heroin? HA some choice.  How is picking up a habit like this a disease?  Vs a choice?  I am back to having a constant pit in my stomach.  I am back to worry night and day.  I am back to thinking her communication makes no sense, because these bath salts cause paranoia, depression, anxiety, all of which she has without drugs, so it's heightened.  That's why she thinks the commonwealth is after her or they are crooked.  I am back knowing she can't come home. I will never hear her gut belly laughter.  I will never see that spark in her eyes.  Those memories are fading and I am left with looking at gray skin, hollow cheeks, dull eye and a skeleton.  I am back to thinking.. THIS IS NOT FAIR!  I am back to thinking Prayer does not work.  So many people are praying for her for us.  I am back to saying I can't let go , Let God.  Because THIS IS NOT FAIR! 

Ohio University Voted # 1 Party School

Ohio University, not to be confused with The Ohio State University, was voted # 1 party school, according to the Princeton Review, after surveying 122,000 students across the country.

Guess where my son is going as a freshman in the Fall??  Yep, you are right OU.

Should I give you my history of OU?  In the 80's I went there for the Halloween Parties.  They were famous!  They were fun!  So fun, I went a few years in a row.  We went without having a place to stay.  I don't remember where I stayed.  I don't remember much, maybe because it's been 30 years or maybe because of the frat house parties with free keg beer. 

My son went to "camp" there last summer.  He took a class for a week, lived in the dorm and worked hard because we paid extra for it to count towards college credit.  He met kids from all over the country.  Loved it and got a 3.75.  He had an idea of what he wanted major in, business and sports.  Low and behold OU is the number 1 in country for this major.  Along with communications, their claim to fame is that Matt Laurer graduated from there.  From then on, his goal was to go to OU and major in Sports Business.  And he achieved his goal.

I had my reservations, knowing it ranked pretty high on the party school list.  I dragged him to other colleges visits. I pointed out all the positives in the other schools.  I am sensitive to things like this, I feel I have reason to be, with all we have been thru.  He asked me to go on  a visit to OU and try and keep an open mind.  I did that, for him.  I was pleasantly surprised!  I loved it there!  I was amazed at all the help he can get.  How efficient they are in in every area.  Organized, set up to success! 

I accepted his choice.  In reality, he would not do well if I MADE him go somewhere else. I started defending it to others.  Saying, college is what you make of it.  Most colleges can be party schools if you want it to be.  I went to OSU and looking back, I wish I never went there, it was too big and a 24/7 party. 

I read how the Princeton Review rated this ranking.  It is based on where it is located.  There is really nothing in Athens, Ohio.  Even the Walmart is fairly new.  But there are bars.. a whole street of them.  It's based on festivals.  OU has 2 big festivals.  They neglected to say, most of the trouble and arrests from outsiders, not the students.  And it is probably in one of the poorer economic counties in our state. 

Like I said, I am sensitive about this issue.  I can talk til I am blue in the face to my son about it.  I forget he has lived it too.  I can't fight genetics, I know this.  I also know I won't cause it, control it nor can I cure it, if he chooses to dive into in the party scene.  I know being an 18 year old boy, will have it ups and downs and life lesson and consequences.  I will have to step back and watch from the sidelines as he stumbles and picks himself up again.  I do not expect perfection from him. 

But, I can say, I have all the trust in this place.  There is so much help!  There is many positives.  In his college, 120 kids were hand picked to go thru this program.  They will help him.  They picked him for some reason.  I just wish it was just not recently chosen as the #1 party school and they don't give the stats on how the schools were rated.  So I find myself defending the #1 party school, which sorta haunts me in a way.

When Did Not Having a Choice of Toothpaste flavor at the Dentist Stop?

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.  One of those dreaded places for me.  For several reasons.  I HATE the dentist.  Something from past I am sure.  We didn't have the best dentists growing up.  And, it's one of those places I don't frequent, so when I go, they always ask about Emily. 

I have to be scheduled for a longer cleaning than the normal.  Adds to my anxiety.  I get the GAS to calm down.  I am usually there for an hour and half or two hours.  So for me, there are few fun parts of going to the dentist.  Even the "free" bag of a too soft toothbrush, small dental floss and travel size toothpaste isn't what I consider a fun part.  To me, the fun part is picking my flavor of tooth polish or paste.  There are so many choices now.  Yesterday, I was not given a choice.  She just used some peppermint thing.  Does that mean I am hitting that age?  Does that mean I have bad breath?  In my head I am wondering, how come I wasn't given a choice.  I should ask!  No, don't ask, you don't really want to know the answers.  Did they take a survey and found most adults ask for peppermint not bubble gum, so now they just give the adults peppermint?  Darn it.. I THINK I want to know why I wasn't given a choice.

Guess where that brought my thinking next.  Addiction.  Yep, go figure, I could relate addiction with not getting a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist.  Only me.  I think when you have child that is an addict and you haven't heard from them... you don't have many choices.  Your choices have been taken way.  You have to wake up.  You have to put one foot in front of the other.  You have to eat, try to sleep, try to smile, try to be social, try to the best for the rest of the family that's around.  Try to act like life must go on.

But the "fun" choices, like picking a toothpaste flavor is taken away.  You don't get to choose to buy her some new cute clothes, you don't get to say, let's do lunch together.  You don't get go see a movie, a play together.  You don't get to say, come over, I made your favorite dinner.  You don't get to complain about the music choices.  You don't get the choice to say "Hey I got the new OPI color, wanna do your toes?"  You don't get to ask about her friends and their families.  You don't get to giggle.  You don't get to people watch together. 

Who knew, not being give a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist would bring all that up??  The only "fun" part of going to the dentist was taken away... and I don't know why.  The fun choices I could have with my daughter have been taken way.. and in reality I don't know why. 

No News is Good News, Well Not Always

I haven't really kept up with this blog.  I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again. 

At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks.  What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks.  Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past.  It tells me, I just might be detaching completely.  Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need??  I don't know. 

She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either.  What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time.  I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update.  She has not been on there in a few weeks. 

People ask me if I have called the police.  Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in.  The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past. 

I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive.  I thought we had that pact together.  She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking.  I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.

My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation.  I was giving my "mom talk".  He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born.  I couldn't stop having manners if I tried!  I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have.  He said, what about Emily??  I said, ok you are the only son we have.  He said what about Dad's first son.  I said ok, you are the only one that counts.  Did I inflate his ego?  Did I speak the truth?  Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left?  Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact?  I think I would.  It's probably just more heightened now. 

So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days.  All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening.  Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.