When Did Not Having a Choice of Toothpaste flavor at the Dentist Stop?

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.  One of those dreaded places for me.  For several reasons.  I HATE the dentist.  Something from past I am sure.  We didn't have the best dentists growing up.  And, it's one of those places I don't frequent, so when I go, they always ask about Emily. 

I have to be scheduled for a longer cleaning than the normal.  Adds to my anxiety.  I get the GAS to calm down.  I am usually there for an hour and half or two hours.  So for me, there are few fun parts of going to the dentist.  Even the "free" bag of a too soft toothbrush, small dental floss and travel size toothpaste isn't what I consider a fun part.  To me, the fun part is picking my flavor of tooth polish or paste.  There are so many choices now.  Yesterday, I was not given a choice.  She just used some peppermint thing.  Does that mean I am hitting that age?  Does that mean I have bad breath?  In my head I am wondering, how come I wasn't given a choice.  I should ask!  No, don't ask, you don't really want to know the answers.  Did they take a survey and found most adults ask for peppermint not bubble gum, so now they just give the adults peppermint?  Darn it.. I THINK I want to know why I wasn't given a choice.

Guess where that brought my thinking next.  Addiction.  Yep, go figure, I could relate addiction with not getting a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist.  Only me.  I think when you have child that is an addict and you haven't heard from them... you don't have many choices.  Your choices have been taken way.  You have to wake up.  You have to put one foot in front of the other.  You have to eat, try to sleep, try to smile, try to be social, try to the best for the rest of the family that's around.  Try to act like life must go on.

But the "fun" choices, like picking a toothpaste flavor is taken away.  You don't get to choose to buy her some new cute clothes, you don't get to say, let's do lunch together.  You don't get go see a movie, a play together.  You don't get to say, come over, I made your favorite dinner.  You don't get to complain about the music choices.  You don't get the choice to say "Hey I got the new OPI color, wanna do your toes?"  You don't get to ask about her friends and their families.  You don't get to giggle.  You don't get to people watch together. 

Who knew, not being give a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist would bring all that up??  The only "fun" part of going to the dentist was taken away... and I don't know why.  The fun choices I could have with my daughter have been taken way.. and in reality I don't know why. 

No News is Good News, Well Not Always

I haven't really kept up with this blog.  I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again. 

At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks.  What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks.  Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past.  It tells me, I just might be detaching completely.  Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need??  I don't know. 

She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either.  What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time.  I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update.  She has not been on there in a few weeks. 

People ask me if I have called the police.  Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in.  The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past. 

I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive.  I thought we had that pact together.  She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking.  I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.

My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation.  I was giving my "mom talk".  He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born.  I couldn't stop having manners if I tried!  I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have.  He said, what about Emily??  I said, ok you are the only son we have.  He said what about Dad's first son.  I said ok, you are the only one that counts.  Did I inflate his ego?  Did I speak the truth?  Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left?  Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact?  I think I would.  It's probably just more heightened now. 

So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days.  All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening.  Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

What goes up, must come down was the end of my last blog and it's true, especially with addiction in a family.  

The glory details:  I had offered to go visit her the weekend before last.  On a Saturday.  She never really texted me back.  I tried to reach her, nothing.  Finally on that Sunday, she texted she was in a meeting and very busy and would call me later.  She never did.   Monday another text comes from a different number.  Says someone broke her phone in half. 

Wednesday my husband is out of town and gets a call from her that she is being kicked out.  He kept texting and calling me.  I did not offer to do anything.  I support getting help or recovery, I do not support when she gets kicked out.  I suggested he tell her to find a policeman to take her to a shelter or Salvation Army.  He preferred to try to get her a hotel room until the next morning when he could get her.  She walked to a hotel, only to find out they do not give out rooms without an id, so they would not take my husband's cc over the phone or give her a room.  He is frantic, I am calm, saying, I did not get kicked out, I did not break her phone and I did not loose her id.  Shelter or S. Army. 

Then some older guy, Dave, called my husband, said he felt bad for her and he knew a place that would take cash for a room and he would use his id if my husband would Western Union the money to some carry out.  This Dave did offer to take her to the Salvation Army, but she said her Dad was willing to pay for a room.  Dave took her for a meal while they waited for the money.  When he went in to get the money, he let her use his phone.  She called my husband and made a few "other" calls. 

He signed for the room and he said at 9pm she walked in room 109.  Saying she was very tired.  But, she did know some other girl in the motel.  He told my husband he lived in this town his whole life, he knows everybody and every place.  The place she had been does not kick people out, unless they really mess up.  He said was happy to help, doing God's work and he had a daughter that went thru something similar. 

My husband gets up early to drive and get her.  5 hour drive for him, missed meetings, and vacation day gone.  Meanwhile, Dave calls him and tells him some guy called his phone all night every 3 minutes.  He told the guy on the phone, he did not know her, doesn't know where she is and to quit calling.  The guy on the other end said, then I am gonna blow up your phone all night and he did exactly that. 

My husband gets to the motel.  She isn't there.  Lady said she checked out at 10 am.  He spends 2 more hours looking for her.  I tell him to come home, what else can you do??

He told me when he did talk to Emily, he told her he wanted honesty if she wanted his help.  Emily said she was kicked out because she missed some groups and didn't do her chores.  A little more digging she said they said I wasn't here last weekend and I was!  Click Click, my brain goes off.  I said I offered to go visit her that Saturday and didn't reach her until late Sunday night. I found it weird, because she knew I would have given her more minutes and took her shopping. 

My husband did not come mad.  ( unlike I would have been)  He came home worried and stressed.  Says she has no id, no phone, no money and could be a Jane Doe in another state and nobody would know.  To ease that blow, I reminded him, she has been finger printed.  Thank god for charges! Ha. 

I knew nothing was what she was telling him.  A big red flag is she all of sudden contacted him, not me.  I believe she knows she can't pull anything over on me anymore, but she still thinks she pull at her Dad's heartstirngs, and in away she did.  He went running after her, paid for the motel, etc. 

We have not heard from her at all.  Not even on Father's Day.  It was heavy here yesterday.  My son running around trying to make my husband happy.  It was so obvious.  I didn't want to say anything, because that would have brought her name front and present and we were all avoiding that.  We are all still "reacting" to the addict.  It's unhealthy.  It's not fair or right. 

We have however, decided, none of us will take her calls anymore or texts.  Many will disagree with this, and I understand.  I can say, I have supported recovery or help, I have offered rides and support for that.  So I have a clear conscious.  No more.  She is an adult.  She can figure it out, that's what adults do.  This family will never be the same and not for the better.  So all we can do is move on and create good memories with what is left of us.  I do not want 1 more "holiday" with a heavy feeling around.  Life is too short. 

Almost There

She looks bad, not as bad as the last time I saw her thou.  I can tell she is not in withdrawals or using.  I double check her purse.  I sleep with my wallet, cell phone and keys, just in case.  She tells me she will never be able to sleep, she goes to bed about 9 am, sleeps all day.  I say tough, I need the lights out, I have a long drive tomorrow and back home.  Next thing I know, she is snoring softly, like she did as a little girl.  I am the one staring that ceiling.  Go figure.  I wake her up the next morning and she is actually in a good mood.  Amazing what food, a clean bed and good night sleep does for somebody.  We start out on our journey.

Now we are about 20 minutes out of "Smithville".  We pull over to get a bite to eat and she is getting the exact street and address from her contact.  She says Mom, I got it wrong. 

OHHHH I should have known!  It's 3pm, I have a 5 hour drive home.  I can't bring her with me.  We have Muirfield Golf tourney with clients, in fact I am missing Thursday festivities to do this.  So calmly, I say what did you get wrong?  She said the city.  It's "Smithland" not "Smithville".  I am like where is that???  She said I don't know.  So I get a map.  Well, we came from the Northeast corner of the state to the Southwest corner and "Smithland" is back at Northeast corner! 

She said forget it, get me a greyhound ticket for there or the 2 year program in NC.  I honestly thought about it.  I was speechless.  I still sorta am, after 240.00 in gas money. 

I turn the car around, and head back.  Now her contact is not texting her, we don't know the street or address.  I called the police dept non emergency number and they are closed.  I ready to just leave her there.  I know I can't bring her home.

She called the place itself.  I heard them say, they have no beds.  She was getting into the abuse and I got out of the car.. I did not want to be part of this, I am tried, I have driven on little sleep and it's like 6 pm and she still isn't anywhere.  URGGGG.

I saw her put the phone down and I got back in the car, she said I am in, it's just up the road.  I said how did you get in?  I heard them say there was not bed.  She said I told them, I went to Smithville first and they felt bad.  I said, thank god somebody feels bad!  ( for me, us)

She said, Mom, I really want this.  Thank you so much.  I love you.  I drop her off.  I don't linger, I don't want them thinking she has all this support or somebody to pay or anything like that.  But, I get a feeling.  It's set in the woods.  All the buildings match the environment.  There is a medical building, psychological building, main office and nice housing.  We both said at the same time, looks like camp.  I said I am sure you won't be singing Kumbya around the camp fire thou.  Hugged her, said I love her and left. 

I go 10 miles and I see the hotel we spend the night in the night before!  OMG.. I got mad all over again!  But, I kept it together, turned up the stereo, let myself breath, sing, be happy she was safe, no matter what it took to get her there.

She texted me shortly after, saying she loves it there.  They are gonna help her with everything.  She is amazed I am so strong as a Mom and is very grateful and thankful and she means that.  And she actually had fun being with me today.  And she loves me more than I will ever know.

I have gotten similar texts daily now.

So for the last 3 days, I know she has been safe.  I am not overly happy or over joyed, this disease is horrific.  Tomorrow she could leave and relapse.  I know this.  But, this time, she found the place, made her plan, only asked for what I was willing to supply, a ride or transportation.  For now, I can breath, even smile every once in awhile.  The rollercoaster is on cruise, but I know what goes up, has to come down. 

Next Contact

A week later, I get texts and calls, she wants help.  Only problem is, these are at 5:30pm, 10:30pm, 12:30 am.  She reminds me of my offer to help.  I explain there is nothing I can do at these hours.  I had a PLAN a week ago.  It involved several people very willing to help, knowing I was super busy.  She never showed or committed.  I explained, I am busy, but I will make myself available for a few hours during the day to take her somewhere.  Where?  She wants to know.  Wherever you contacted, I tell her.  Since she did not call her doctor, a therapist that was standing by to help her, a friend willing to be her sober companion during a detox. 

At this point Andy's graduation is in a few day.  I am praying she does not pull something.  This is his time.  I am working on and planning being 100% present for him. 

It's the end of his party.  I am having a drink at the club with 2 of my college friends, relaxing for once and my phone rings.. 12:30 AM.  It's her.  I should not have, but I did answer.  She is crying hysterically.  I just said, Emily, F U, I told you not call late at night.  I just hosted your whole family for Andy's grad party and I will not let you ruin it.  She said she has to get away from Joey, she wants to detox.  I said, that's great, call in the morning and we will help you.  She asked if I was really going to make her sleep on a bench in the rain that night.  Yes, I am .  My day is done, and I am not getting into drama and crisis's anymore. 

She didn't call the next morning or afternoon.  Go figure.

I get a few texts, saying she is detoxing herself.  She is in another city, farther away.  The city where the college Andy is going to.  This makes me mad!  She saying she loves it there, wants to stay.  Makes me madder.  This is his future, how dare she end up there! 

She tells me, her detox is going ok, over the worst of it, has a plan, has people helping her, but she will need to take me up on her offer of a ride.  I tell her ok, but give me details.  She said she really can't because of confidentiality, it is a battered womens center, in another state.  I told her I support that, but I am not going on a wild goose chase.  She says she understands, but she has to "sneak" away and it may be last minute and she will give me the of the city, in the other state.

So she does provide me with the information.  It looks perfect.  Her plan is to do the battered women's program then they will transfer to the dual dx , addiction center for women, then she will wants to do the long term one, 2 years in NC.  So she gives me the name of the city to mapquest.  It's about 4.5 hours away.  Let's call it "Smithville". 

The next night, she calls and says can we go now??  It's 9pm this past Wed.  It will take me 2 hours to get to her.  But, something in her voice, told me to do it.  She has been crying wolf for 3 weeks, and I am not convinced easily.  Crying wolf is very painful to a parent of an addict.  You want it so bad!  Then they back away.  But, something said go.  I went.

The plan become more elaborate as I was driving.  I told her to get to a public place, stay there til I get there.  She went to a mexican place, where my step brother is part owner, but she does not know that and I have only met him like 5 times in my life.  Happens, my nephew is there.  So my brother is calling me, saying Emily is freaking out, with his son.  My nephew takes her to his frat house, feeds her, keeps her til I come.  I get them, then she has us drive her to some street where she threw her bag, because as she was leaving Joey was coming home and she would never get away if he saw she was leaving.  We get her bag.  Take my nephew back and she and I leave.  I drove for another 45 minutes and got a hotel room.

Continued

I Can Say, She is Safe Today, Was Yesterday, The Day Before

I have not written much about the situation on this blog lately.  I have on ODR, but, even that wore me out.  I will try to give you a little background.

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I got a call from some guy that he had found my daughters phone in a park.  Would I come get it?  So I went.  I saw where it found and I thought, something is up.  She could have been taken, beaten, etc.  I asked why he didn't call the police.  He said, you don't call the police in this neighborhood.  I put out the word I had her phone.  I didn't hear anything.  So I filed a missing person's report.  Let's just say, that was most unpleasant.  My husband ended up escorting the policewoman of our city out the door.  Telling her, we would find other means to get this job done. 

Couple of days later, she contacted me.  We made plans to meet after the weekend, on a Monday.  I was getting into my busiest 2 weeks of the year.  So Monday crept up on me, and I had NO PLAN.  I do not like having NO PLAN.  I just asked for guidance as I drove down to the city to meet her.  She got in the car and honestly, I was going to hand her the phone and leave.  But, she looked so bad.  The worst I have even seen and so bad, I did not want to look at her.  I offered lunch.  Still no real plan... but I did know, I could not push or I would lose her. 

I took her to lunch.  She started crying, saying she didn't want to be like this, she can't help it.  She is in a deep hole, her body is breaking down, her hair is falling out, her brain is not working.  I asked if she was ready for help.  She said .. almost, but she is afraid.  Afraid she can not live without her drug. 

So on a whim, I brought her home to use the computer and phone and call some places.  I heard her, she was doing a good job.  She called the long term woman's place in NC and I heard her say, I know it's not a walk in the park, and I need that now.  I am ready to do the hard work.  She printed everything off.  Put in her name for a detox place. 

I told her, you are in a deep hole.  I have a ladder for you.  I will hold it for you, but I will not take the first step for you, you have to start climbing yourself.  She thanked me, said, her brain can't take the first step, she needs help.  I said I will help you, when there is a detox bed open, I will take you.  But, these places do not want to talk to me.  They want to know you are serious.

My son and husband got home and were not happy she was here.  She was getting dope sick and complaining.  So I took back, back to the hell hole I picked her up from. 

On my way home, my husband called.  His ipod and others things were gone.  I texted her, time to do the right thing, she texted, she gets blamed for everything.  I didn't hear from her for another week.

Continued on next post.

New Chapters

My baby graduated on Saturday!  I really don't even know what to say!  We start a new chapter.  There was a day, well many day, many years, I said to anyone who would listen, "everyone should have an Andy!"  I felt and still do feel very blessed I got this boy.  I would say around 16 or 17, I quit saying that.  LOL.  You know teen boys!  But, I still felt blessed, because as you all know, I know it can be worst and it has been worst.  But this kid has it going on.  I can say I am proud.

Andy did not get high honors.  Andy did not get a ton of scholarships.  I don't have bumper stickers that say Honor Student.  But, I got a "normal" kid.  A well adjusted kid.  A happy kid.  A polite kid.  A kid with goals and direction.  I got lucky with him.  I sat in the graduation with tears in my eyes.  Knowing all he lived with for so many years.  Knowing he made it thru with minor bumps in the road, when in reality, there could have been huge boulders in his way.  He did it.  I am proud.

I had his friends and their Mom's send me words to describe Andy.  Then I put the words with stickers on a mat and framed his Senior picture for his table at the party.  I cried!  There were some common words.  Polite.  Friendly.  Nice to everyone.  Always smiling.  Doesn't get much better than that for me.  Those are things that take you far.  Nobody will remember your GPA, but they will remember your manners or smile.  Other words were, best friend, hard worker ( 2 jobs) , reliable, funny, sarogent big brother.  I am proud.

So we soon the new chapter in our lives.  While I cried and still crying about it all ending.  I know I did my best to prepare him to leave the nest.  I know without a doubt there will be more bumps in the road, but I also know without a doubt he will make it.  I am proud.

We had a wonderful party with 7 other families.  The boys from our neighborhood.  It was a night to remember and I am glad he could go out with a bang and a good time.  I never got to do that before and did I tell you, I was and am proud!