New Chapters

My baby graduated on Saturday!  I really don't even know what to say!  We start a new chapter.  There was a day, well many day, many years, I said to anyone who would listen, "everyone should have an Andy!"  I felt and still do feel very blessed I got this boy.  I would say around 16 or 17, I quit saying that.  LOL.  You know teen boys!  But, I still felt blessed, because as you all know, I know it can be worst and it has been worst.  But this kid has it going on.  I can say I am proud.

Andy did not get high honors.  Andy did not get a ton of scholarships.  I don't have bumper stickers that say Honor Student.  But, I got a "normal" kid.  A well adjusted kid.  A happy kid.  A polite kid.  A kid with goals and direction.  I got lucky with him.  I sat in the graduation with tears in my eyes.  Knowing all he lived with for so many years.  Knowing he made it thru with minor bumps in the road, when in reality, there could have been huge boulders in his way.  He did it.  I am proud.

I had his friends and their Mom's send me words to describe Andy.  Then I put the words with stickers on a mat and framed his Senior picture for his table at the party.  I cried!  There were some common words.  Polite.  Friendly.  Nice to everyone.  Always smiling.  Doesn't get much better than that for me.  Those are things that take you far.  Nobody will remember your GPA, but they will remember your manners or smile.  Other words were, best friend, hard worker ( 2 jobs) , reliable, funny, sarogent big brother.  I am proud.

So we soon the new chapter in our lives.  While I cried and still crying about it all ending.  I know I did my best to prepare him to leave the nest.  I know without a doubt there will be more bumps in the road, but I also know without a doubt he will make it.  I am proud.

We had a wonderful party with 7 other families.  The boys from our neighborhood.  It was a night to remember and I am glad he could go out with a bang and a good time.  I never got to do that before and did I tell you, I was and am proud!

Things Aren't Always the Way they should be

I wanted to write a quick blog.. just to catch you up.  All the work I did.. everything.. out the window.  Best laid plans huh?

Emily was released the next day.  I was on the road... to be specific, I was in the mountains, not getting any reception, frantic calls from my husband on what to do.  She claimed she was ready to go to the all women , long term rehab.  But, he had no where to put her during the transition days. 

I learned quickly, I over trained my husband!  Now he couldn't or wouldn't make a decision without me.  Even thou I texted, whatever you decide dear, is fine with me... not exactly saying.. hey I am on vacation with the girls.. I don't need this now.. hoping he would "read between the lines" sorta thing.

Well he let her sit in a holding cell.  She was isolated due to lice and bed bugs. 

I told my husband to call a very helpful person on my ODR board.  He did and had a plan.  He went to get her.

She walked away from him.  Went up to a car, asked to borrow their cell phone and never looked back at her Dad.

Two days later on my girls vacation, I got a text from her old b/f.  It just said: Saw Emily at such n such intersection with a dude begging for money.  I didn't even respond.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  Bitter Sweet.  I will try my best not to dwell on the first born, who made a Mother first, but I will try and enjoy and my last born and be present.

Happy Mother's Day to you all. 
Hugs, Kelly

Words That Sum Up My Week: Feds, Warrants, Crystal, Rings, Safety

I have not been able to post for awhile.  I have been living a stressful life for the past week.  I had one goal in mind.  Can you guess?  Keep my daughter alive, she is worth it.  I wanted this done before tomorrow.  I am leaving tomorrow on my annual girls trip to Myrtle Beach.  This year my Mom is going with us.  I needed to be in a place where my Mom could not tell something was wrong.

I worked probably as hard as an addict works to get their fix.  I put something in motion, due to some information I had gotten.  I would like to give you all the details, but I can't yet.  For several reasons.  It's not totally done and I don't have time.  But, what I put in motion, became something beyond my comprehension, shook my world and scared me. 

I had a nice lunch with Emily on Tuesday.  That's all I will say about that. 

Today, at 5:30 am, a Federal Task Force and some Marshalls activated a "no knock warrant".  Emily was taken to our local county jail.  Her new "boyfriend" was taken far away by the Feds. 

I got a call from her around 8 am.  Didn't hear the phone, she was on my voicemail.  She very calmly and dare I say maturely said where she is.  That she is in a single cell, due to bed bugs.  She does not expect us to pay bail or bond.  That I should go on my vacation and know she is safe and will have 3 squares.  And that she loves me very much.  Maybe it was relief in voice.

Around 1pm I got a call from her cell phone.  I was kinda scared to answer it.  I thought the Feds would have taken it.  It was a very nice older woman, who Emily and her boyfriend were living with.  Because I don't have time, I can't fill you in the details.  But, she said, Emily went very politely and seemed ok.  This older woman fell in love with Emily.  She recently lost a daughter in a car crash.  But, she said, her boyfriend treated her very poorly.  She found Emily in the rain last night crying and crying.  I thanked her for housing my daughter and apologized for the circumstances and for them to have their house raided.  I was amazed at her understanding and I plan to meet her when I get home. 

This poor older couple had no idea this boyfriend was just out of a State Pen in Aug of 2010 for crystal meth.  They did not know he had fire arms in their home.  They did not know he violated Federal Probation. But the good news.. I KNEW. 

I will fill you in at later date.  I could not post, due to the nature of the circumstances.  But, as of now, everyone is where they should be.  I can breath.  I can smile and take a minute to smell the roses.  And, to make matters better, the old boyfriend, who she lived in abandon houses with this winter, was picked up April 21st and has no bail or bond.  So he can not bail her out.  I think all the doors have closed for my daughter, except the ones with bars.  This is the one thing she has not done, jail time.  So it's time.

I leave tomorrow at 7 am and I will be gone for 9 days.  Wonder what my house will look like with 2 guys living here that long alone?? 

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.  Kelly

I actually thought I could be a double Agent

I can not get into what is going on.  I will, when it is safe and I can do so. 

I think I have stated before, I have a very strong Mothers Intuition in regards to Emily.  I feel almost cursed to have this.  Not to go into the paranormal, but I am one who, at times, has access to my 6th sense.  I don't talk about it much, unless, I am given a "sign", to do so.  Let's just say, thru my sense, I have been able to help a friend find an old antique time piece, that had been missing for a long time.  I have had "visits" from the dead in a dream or meditation, in which they want me to pass on some kind of information to their loved one.  Like where the antique pocket watch was.  I have explored this and found, to be honest, I have fear.  I know so many addicts say fear stand in their way.  It stands in my way in this regard.  But no denying it when it comes to my daughter. 

I had a dream ( and I thank God, I got some sleep last night, it's a been a few nights).  I don't always remember my dreams.  I actually woke up today, feeling I could CONTROL it.  I could be a double agent.  I can't even tell you with whom right now.  I went as far as putting this plan into action.  I felt untouchable.  Nothing stands between a Mother and her sick daughter.  I am happy to say, that fear I have, stopped me. 

It's been a long weekend.  I did not post about our Birthday Visit.  Seems like very old news.  I actually called the coroners office this weekend, to see if there was Jane Doe.  Instead, I stumbled upon, something bigger and scarier.  And it's not done.  I am suffering internally and probably externally, as my son went and got me lunch today, because I have not eaten in awhile. 

He had Prom this weekend.  I was present and happy for him.  I should feel good about that.  Nothing like a handsome guy all cleaned up in a tux.  He looked good!  He had fun!  He was good.  No problems.  I am very thankful for that, and I believe God knew I could not handle an incident with him too. 

Happy 20th Birthday

Well today is Emily's 20th birthday.  Seems like April is a big month for our kids birthday's here in blogland. 
For me, it is bitter / sweet.

Up until last night, we were not going to see her.  After much discussion, we decided to go get her and take her to dinner.  Then came the question of what to "get" her.  Grocery store cert?  We have done that in the past.  We came up with eye and dental appointments.  Last time she asked for contacts was Sept of 09.  Probably saw a dentist around then too.  We feel these are appropriate young adult "gifts". That way we pay the facility with our insurance or cc.

I did write about her birth here:  April 12, 1990.

I was starting to get anxious.  I even said to my husband, I am not sure we are making the right decision.  He said we can't back out now.  Ok then.

There happened to be a show on A&E last night called Hillbilly Heroin.  It happened to be set not too far from where Emily is living now.  My husband came in the room and said, OMG that's Emily isn't it!  What is she doing on tv?  She didn't tell us!  I am like calm down, it is not her, I don't know what you are talking about.  He said well she looks like that and that's her twin, same coat, etc.  Remember, I have not "seen" her since Jan.  I ask him, does she look that bad?  He said yes, last time he saw her.  My anxiety was rising.  Then he says to me, well remember what the detox counselor told me?  I am like humm no.  He said she told him they had not ever had such a worst case of black tar heroin addiction as they had with Emily.  Nobody told me... and now I wish I didn't know. 

I did talk to Emily , at length yesterday.  Let's just say, I have been saying this time "it's different".  It's so different, there is not connect.  Like all logic, thought process is gone.  It's like talking to.. well I don't know what, something so foreign to me.  My hope for tonight is, somewhere deep inside her, she will remember her roots, where she came from, feel our love and know we will support recovery.  But, I am not sure she is able to go back that far in her brain. Remember those commercials about drugs.  There was an egg and they said this is your brain, then they fried it and said this is your brain on drugs.  That's what talking to her is like. 

The last 2 birthdays have been spent , in her words, treatment facilities.  She refused to go back to treatment today, maybe later this week she said.  As her birthdays were not fun.  What's fun to her?  I really don't want to know.  I said, well I certainly had fun last year, maybe it was just me.  She said, no, she agreed we all had fun.  I don't think this year we will have "fun".  I think we will come home, glad we made an effort, but scared for her.  That's where my anxiety comes in.  I feel fragile, like if she is so physically ill looking, I will crack.  I am gonna try my hardest not to.  I am going to spend some time today, getting myself ready to "accept" and not judge and set my boundaries.

Happy Birthday my first baby.  My hope for you is to be healthy, enjoy life and find the good.  Mom

paragraphs

Anyone know why my post are not going into paragraph form? It's how I am writing it, but it then posts as 1 big long thing. THANKS!

I thought you'd be Happy I am getting my ducks in a Row

Yesterday, about 12:15 pm, Emily calls me. Said she couldn't wait to get up and call me and tell me the good news. She is taking care of herself, has a plan and getting all her ducks in a row. For a lot of us, we would immediately think, oh there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. I am not most, I take deep breath , let it out, and say calmly, ok let's hear it.

Well Mom, there is thing called HUD, have you heard of HUD? Yes, Emily, I have. Really? Wow! I didn't know about it.. anyway.. there is this girl, KD, she has a 2 year old baby and she is clean, never did drugs, really good person and she can get HUD. I can get 275.00 a month in food stamps and 750.00 in other money and we can get a 4 bedroom apt with 2 baths thru HUD. All we have to do is say we are lesbians. I will help with the baby and all.

Mom, Mom are you there?

Yes, Emily, I am here.

 Mom, aren't you happy, I am thinking for myself, have a plan, getting my ducks in row??

Emily, Hud is a federal program, you sign on a dotted line with Hud and lie, you are committing a federal crime. You can not go thru life trying to scam people and organizations. They are looking for people like you. Do you want to go to federal prison?

Well, I never thought of that. No, I don't want to go to federal prison.

 Emily, before you act, research. ( Now I get to meat of the conversation)

 Emily, they are willing to take you back at rehab. Your counselor will help, you just have to call her.

She says... well my counselor never called to tell me that! She has my number too!

Emily, counselors do not track down addicts and offer them things. They wait for the addict to show they want it. I continued to say. You have this good option. Something we will support. You and I both know, it takes a good year for your brain to heal. I saw glimpses of it at 8 or 9 months clean last summer. Not quite there, but really close. But, then you sabotaged your recovery for a guy. Like you did the summer before in FL, like you did at the therapy school, like you just did this time.

She said, that's just what I do

I said I know, and how is that working for you??

 Sigh, it's not.

 Ok then, take a year, you are bright, intelligent, get that back. Take a year, work on yourself for yourself. You are still at an age where you have the world at your feet, yours for the taking, if you just work it. You can go to school. ( She says, yes, I really really want to go to school). I said you can get your license, you can work towards a rewarding job. You also do not have do it all alone, we will support you in positive options. I can hear the wheels turning in her head.

I go for the kill. Emily, do you know who your boyfriend is? I have done some research. Yes, Mom, but let me tell you people change. You can't hold the past against someone. Do you know who is dad is? yes, mom. Well Emily, people can change, I agree, but, it has not been that long since he has been out of a federal program and already been thru 1 rehab, and you know as well as I do, that 2 addicts with no after care probably won't make it too far. And, you are in a small town, where he is a marked man and they are probably watching you now. She is about to say something, and I say, don't say it, your brain is still not healed and I am sure whatever you are going to say is going to confirm that to both of us.

 She said I understand what you are saying. Then she asks about meeting for her birthday. I say, call your Dad. She pushes and pushes. I finally say, I was willing to meet you with strong boundaries. She asks what the means. I say , do not waste my time listening to lies. No pipe dream conversations. I said and absolutely no talk about this new boyfriend.

She says I understand what you are saying... but you left me at Christmas!

I said, Emily, we celebrated with you and I spend a whole long day with you, getting hair , nails done, shopping, eating. I said where are the gifts you got? She said stolen. I said well if you had been doing the right thing, they would not have been stolen. I said, and if you really want to know.. the whole time we were together, all you talked about was your b/f at the time, what you were getting him, his family. Never once did you ask me to take you to get your brother or father a Christmas gift. You couldn't even make us a Christmas card. Or write a poem or sing a carole for us. It was all about you and your b/f at the time. Like now.. all about your birthday and the new love of your life.

She kept saying, I understand, I know where you are coming from. She said boy, this conversation turned out totally different than I thought. I woke up so excited to call you and tell you of my plans and doing it on my own.

 I said, you can't do it on your own. You have proven that. Please call your Dad and the counselor. No response. I said, I love you.. she said I know you do, I love you too.. and hung up.

I called my husband and gave him the heads up.

She did end up calling him a few hours later. He told her the same things I did. He offered to give her a ride back to rehab. He offered her support while in the program. He did say, we will not meet you for your birthday unless you choose to go back. We will send a card, maybe a grocery store gift cert.

She then asked him to call her counselor and see the offer was still good. He did. First, her counselor was out for the week, but he talked to another one, who knew Emily and the situation. He kept saying, you shouldn't be calling , she should. She has to find her way back here, not you doing it for her. No kidding we know this, but we are trying to get her to that point. They will take her back, but she will be drug tested and if she is positive, she has to start in detox and at the beginning and he said the odds are high she will test positive. He said, as she left, she said her dealer was picking her up... my husband said, yeah, she met him in your program! He asked who it was, my husband told him and there was dead silence. Then he said, well tell her to come in and we will test her and start the process.

So my husband calls her back, tells her. She doesn't say much. Then says, well thank you, I will think about it. Kept saying, I will think about it.

For now, I guess that's ok. It's about the best we are gonna get.

 Here is where I get confused. By us laying down these clear boundaries, what we will support, what we won't, it sorta feels like we are forcing her to go back and we all know , it doesn't work that way. They have to want it for themselves. I mean, yes, she has a choice, stay where she is, which I believe will have a bad ending, another rock bottom or do as we say. And, I am not sure that will work anymore. So to me, it's a catch 22. Looking around for my magic wand.