This is about the "Other" one

Great looking group of boys... childhood friends.. memories.. growing up...

Each year my son, Andy and his friends get together and have draft teams for Fantasy Football. They have a web page. They have a commissioner.. whose house the the draft is held at. They wear suits, ties, like owners do. Except my son, who adopted my habit and likes to hit the Goodwill for fun and funky things. This year was kinda special, as they will be seniors and this little tradition might go by the waste side as they enter adulthood, college, work, etc. Although I am told, that's why the website was made. As they make their in the world, they can always come back to their roots thru football. My guess is more money will be placed for betting.

I have not addressed some of my stress with my son on this blog. Instead, I put on my sunglasses at the grocery store.. I say "No" to invites to have dinner with his friend's Mothers.. I pace the house.. not only for Emily, but Andy as well.

Last night, I laid in bed... thinking back.. ( not always a good thing to do).. I had two perfect beautiful babies. 1 girl and 1 boy.. how lucky is that? We had a cute little bungalow.. even a metal old school swing set in the yard.. came with the house.

I was happy, grateful.. who would have thought?? I was the last person anyone thought would have kids.. and maybe I should have listened??

My older more experienced neighbors were full of advice for me at the backyard BBQ's. Little kids, little problems. Oh those teen years...

Instead of looking at my children with love I didn't know I even had.. maybe I should have listened to the older wiser neighbors.. opened my ears.. I don't know.. as I said.. looking back or reflecting isn't always a good thing to do.

My son was charged with possession of beer in his car last night.

He and his friends ran from the police. He wasn't answering the phone I pay for.

The police ran the plates and called my husband..

Oppss.. I was at the Irish Fest with my best friend.. Kelly 2. I had stayed in the house all week, pacing, crying over Emily.. my friend said it was time for me to go out for a day. I agreed it would do me good.. fresh air, bands, food, drink... yes, that should be just what the Dr ordered. But, maybe I should have stayed home, been on top of my son. eeekk there I go again, looking back.. reflecting.

He passed the breathalyzer test. He showed them where he dumped out his beer. They picked his car to drink in because it was the biggest most comfortable, best speakers. Here I thought we bought an old used Infinity so he wouldn't be hurt if he was in an accident. Hindsight is 20/20.

There were 2 other cars parked there... the police were trying locate those parents and the boys that ran. They are not being charged.. that I know of. Although, Andy believes if they tested them, he story would pan out, he was clean, they were not.

He stands to loose 60% of his sport.. swimming.. he is the captain, has been for 2 years.. a swim scholarship and much more.. our trust... the trust of his friend's parents... his character.

Back in the day... the police brought me home to my parents, drunk.. slap on the wrist. Things are different now.. the stakes are higher, but the invincibility of how you feel when you are teen is the same.

I have always believed we learn from our mistakes and those teen years are your learning years.. but no one told how it really was.. or I just wasn't listening. I want my son to learn, to fail in areas to learn and grow... but man is it painful to watch.

As I closed my eyes last night and tried to sleep... I remembered God only gives us what we can handle.. I been handling a lot lately, I asked for a break.

My daughter is living in the Salvation Army shelter

My son is charged with possession

My sister in law is dying of cancer

I am on email exchange only with my Mom

I am still on medical leave from work

Last night, I drove Andy home. He said.. say something.. do something.. I just shook my head.. He said ok then... no car for a month, no Cedar Point next week, see the counselor once a week, don't hang out with xxxxx.

I thought I would wake up today.. have a plan.. have a contract.. jump in with both feet, be pro active.. but I woke up still numb and void. I hope this is enough for now.. just for today.

Hugs

Kelly

Latest Update

First, I can't say I am ok. I try hard to keep it together. What kind of Mother has her 19 year old daughter live in a Salvation Army shelter. Emily calls it Sals. Is that like Sak's? I don't think so... far from it. My eyes brim with tears..24/7. Something is not right in this. And I don't have the answers.

Gloria sent a piece of paper with one of the girls to their home meeting for Emily. It had the name of 2 rehabs in other cities close to where they are now. 90 day rehabs.
Want to know what I think?
I think Gloria thought Emily was a spoiled rotten brat. That her Mommy and Daddy would pick her up and bring her home.. and that didn't happen. So if something happens to Emily, Gloria will share in my guilt.

Emily has signed up for IOP. We all know what that, but for others, it's Intensive Out Patient. Emily's counselor, who has done wonders for her, is in charge of that. So she can continue her work with Loree, the counselor. Loree is gone for 2 weeks.. but she will be back. Emily starts on Monday.

I told Emily, I am really proud of you. Simply amazing. She just said Thanks.. like it's all normal.

I have consistently said.. your words mean nothing to me anymore.. it's action I want to see. I have to say, her actions are reassuring.

She has had several offers of help, a place to live, etc.. but she said she is not making any rash decisions and thinking it all over.. trying to be patient.. letting God help her.

So when my eyes are brimming with tears, as always with Emily, they are because it is all so bitter sweet.
Hugs
Kelly

Warning this is Raw as it's happening Now

All this is happening right now. All I can say, is Thank God for the Salvation Army! I will be putting more money in the red buckets at Christmas time.

Emily got kicked out today. We all knew it was coming. I don't even remember where I left off on my last blog.

Anyway they had a meeting on Monday about her. Only 1 of the house mother's voted to make Emily leave. I will refer to this woman by her name, because I don't care, Gloria. Gloria has caused us to walk on eggshells since I met her. Gloria was put in a position of power that Gloria shouldn't have. But, we all knew this. My thoughts are she is very angry and unhappy and karma is a *itch. I also believe people like Gloria are put in our lives to learn something. Gloria does not like Emily , or us for that matter.

So after the meeting because only Gloria voted to kicked Emily, Emily could stay. BUT, she was on restriction, meaning back to square 1. She couldn't go to meetings, call her sponsor, us, etc. And can't get a check mark or she would be out. I knew this wouldn't last too long. I knew it was a matter of time.

This morning Gloria said one of the girls in the house could take Emily to a meeting. Aarica, whose in the highest phase. Emily had to stay with Aarica, it's the rules. So in this way, I feel Gloria set Emily up.. Emily should have smelled a rat. The girls went to the meeting. Aarica stopped at Drug Mart and got a pop and cigs. Emily got kicked out, she was not allowed to go to the store. Yet she had to stay with Aarica.

My husband went up to get her. Here is another inconsistency. When a girl is kicked out. They drive them to the Salvation Army. Gloria would not drive Emily.

So my husband called me several times on the way up there. He wanted to bring her home. Stating she could get her job back at Starbucks, her licence, save money, etc.

I had to be strong. I felt this is the time I have to be strong. Little did I know, I would have to find even more strength during the course of this morning... I said no she can't come home. Physically, I can't take it. I am just on mend and I can't get sick again. He said to me, your sickness was a thyroid, that is taken care of now. I said, it was brought on by stress. My Dr. didn't have to throw my into hypo thyroid, he could get back to normal because it was stress.

Then he said, ok, I will bring her back for a short time, until we can find another place.

I said: There are 3 of us living here, Andy has a vote too. You better call him. My vote is no, she can't come home. He hung up on me.

Calls back and says, ok, I will tell her, because of her Mom, she can't come home.

See, the addiction and her crisis es divide us.

He got there and all the girls were in an uproar. How unfair this was, etc. They are gonna do something about it. They will help Emily. So and so can get her job, so and so will have her over to her parents for dinner, etc.

Emily got in the car and said, going home is not an option. There are too many triggers, too much for her. She calmly said she wanted to go to the Salvation Army. They found it and my husband got out of the car to go in with her and she said No, this is something I have to do.

There is a bed for her. She can't go until 4:30pm. They are to be out of the center during the day to find work. She called me and said, it's not most glamours place she's been, but it will due.

I am crying.. sobbing.. still am for that matter. How does a Mother put her daughter in the Salvation Army shelter? I needed strength to make it happen and now I need strength to follow it thru.

When a person is almost 7 months sober, is living at the Salvation Army a reward? Is the right thing to do? Will it cause her to go back to her old ways? Am I doing the wrong thing? Will something horrible happen to her? Can I live with the guilt? It seemed much easier to "throw" her out when she was using. That was a no brainer to me.. but this.. this is just plain sad... numbing.. We have always been able to pull an option or a string in the past, those are all used up and this is where we / she is. Do I have the strength to do this? I can't answer that.

She is very calm. She said she was going to her home meeting tonight and gonna tell her story. She feels she has a lot of sober support there. Someone may help her out with a place to live or a job. She is taking this much better than I am.

I started sobbing when I talked to her. She asked why? Why?? I HATE addiction.. it's sending my baby to a Salvation Army. She said Mom, I can't do this now... I have to hold it together, I will talk to you later.

She has no money, no phone.. God only knows... Just keep my baby safe and sober please...

Hugs

Kelly

It takes women like this to help us all

At one point, when Emily was in FL and we were out of communication with her, my mind started to wander.. what if's.. she was laying there and OD'd. What if she is sick? What if her mental illness has kicked in? She is 18, the law says she is an adult. What can I do?

I found out about the Baker Act and The Marshman Act.

I called the police and mentioned the Marshman Act. They went to the motel she was holed up in and she opened the door. They said your Mother is very worried about you and worried about your health and mental well being. She had her phone in her hand and said, that's weird, I just got off the phone with her. Her phone was turned off by me, a week before. The police bought it, hook line and sinker.

Well here is a woman, Sharon Blair, whose daughter Jennifer lost her life due to drugs. She is trying to tweek the Marshman Act, to benefit our loved ones who are addicts. The Jennifer Act is in Indiana now. Close to be used in Florida... I hope we can get stated in all States.
The Jennifer Act « The Jennifer Act

Recovery Month 2010 - Sharon Blair

NOPE Task Force - Narcotic Overdose Prevention & Education

A major shout out or kudos to Sharon Blair!

Hugs
Kelly

April 12, 1990

After reading my dear friend's blog today: The Happy Hausfrau , I got to thinking about Emily's birth. Several times , from the psychiatrist, therapists, etc.. I was asked how my pregnancy and delivery went with Emily. I have to say, I like when they ask that, because I do believe there is some valuable information somewhere in that.

I was married in May. My first and my husband's second marriage. I was preggo by Aug. I know this, because I took took at least 11 EPT tests and they all showed up the same. I believe I started my pregnancy in denial. By our First Anniversary, I had a 5 week old beautiful little girl.

Let's just say, I was sick from day 1. Throwing up, weak. We moved from Columbus Ohio to Cleveland OH. My husband was transferred , as a consultant for NASA, and we all know that is gov't funded.. the funding fell thru.. and there we were... Luckily my Mom was close by , along with other family. My husband found another job with another company instead of moving back to Columbus. I had a job, Great Expectations, a dating service. I had been with MatchMaker Int'l. for years in Columbus. I made great money, working part time, because his divorce attorney was one of my clients and she sent me ALL her friends. But, I went with Great Expectations in Cleveland, because it closer to our new love nest. Once I started showing, they put in the back call center, let's just say, that's not for me. So I quit. Good thing.

I was hospitalized many times, due to dehydration. I was sick.. sick all the time. I wondered to myself, how can all these woman say they loved being pregnant? What's there to love about this?

I babysat my cousin's. After our first weekend of babysitting, my uncle called me. He said, we are laughing so hard, but I must tell you.. you have been putting the diapers on backwards! OMG.. I can't be a Mom, I can't even put on a diaper!

I seriously thought Emily would be a gymnast. Doing aerobics in my stomach. Then she would hiccup... for hours. She was sucking her thumb in one ultra sound.

My water broke.. a week or 2 early. Off the hosp.. It was 18 hours of pure pain. Back labor. The epidural didn't work. I wanted my husband to put on his boots and kick my back as hard as he could. Forget the breathing and calming photo.

She was in distress. They put a monitor on her head and a oxygen mask on me, which I remember briefly throwing across the room with some not so nice words.

I push and pushed for hours on end.. that all my body from the face to the toes were swollen. I honestly wanted a c-section! 18 hours later Emily arrived.. I didn't see her.. they swept her away.. did that test scale on her.. I forget the name of it.. and worked on her.. I have no idea what they did. After about 20 minutes they handed her to my husband... I was not happy, and I remember screaming.. let me hold her, let me see her. By the time I got her, she was all cleaned up and swalled in a blanket. I learned on my 2nd delivery, they come out blue and slimmy. I had no idea.. and that was a shock.. but that's another story.

She didn't really want to come out into this world or wasn't ready.. even back then. She gave me a hard time for 8 months inside of me. Needles , bags hooked up to me many times to hydrate me. The nurses all said, the girls take from you and the boys give to you. I find that true. She took from me, all that I had.

However, as hard as being pregnant and her delivery was, you know that love for your child, first baby... it's goes much deeper than pain, sickness and much more pure than anything I have ever experienced.

But if I could ask Fraud about it, I would. Maybe it would all make sense.

That's the hard part of addiction... to remember the beautiful, perfect, Innocent baby you brought into this world, with all the hopes and dreams for them. I am telling you.. many people said I should send her picture in for the new Gerber Baby. I think her first words were long eyelashes.. that's all she heard from anybody and all strangers.

I am glad I have a lot of good memories of my beautiful baby.
Hugs
Kelly

By Tuesday, All things Changed

I went to see my sister in law on Monday and Tuesday. She is stage 4 Breast Cancer. She has 1 type of chemo left to try and they will try towards the end. The end is, near, nobody knows how near thou. I have avoided contacting her and seeing her.. I don't do well with cancer. I am sorry I did that.. we have a lot to catch up on and memories to make. So I am hers for the rest of the summer. I love her sense of humor, she made it easy for me.. morbid, but easy, with statements like "over my dead body" to her husband.
It was 4:30 pm on Tuesday, I just hugged, kissed Carol good bye, had my key in the ignition, ready for my 3.5 hour drive home. My phone rang, it was Emily's area code. All I heard was a wail and the words Maaama.

My heart dropped... Calm down tell me what's wrong, I am close to your city, I can be there in an hour. I am thinking she is in the hosp, something happened and accident.. my mind and heart are racing....

Her words were : "come get me or I am getting kicked out"

Huh? We just had a beautiful day 2 or 3 days ago.

It was like pulling teeth to find out or sort thru... when in fact, I should have just hung up. Because I am now reaching for my beta blockers that I was given when I was so sick. Treat the symptoms were the words in the back of my head. Don't let this get you again. I shoulda hung up.

She got a music scholarship. Her first class was Tuesday. How does that go to I am being kicked out? 0 to 100 in 2 seconds .. that's how.

Apparently, she skipped her first class to meet "the boy". I had found out on Saturday, "the boy" was on a binge, nobody could find him. He is a drunk, shows up at meetings drunk, is bad news. He is 25 or 26 with 2 little kids from 2 different women. That's his background.

She got caught. Lying again about this boy. They want to ask me to leave. I need to come home. Once I got the gist of it, because I never get the whole thing. I was livid. And I was livid she was able to make me livid again. Urggg. I said coming home is not an option. She said, then they will take me to homeless shelter. I said, it's your choices. Quickly the phone was being taken from her and I was told she is not allowed on the phone. Fine with me, wish I never answered it in the first place.

So I found out she had a meeting with the head guy, Mike , Wed AM. I was waiting, walking aimlessly around my home, I guess pacing is the right word. Around noonish, I left a message for her counselor. She called me back, I was in the shower.. missed her call. BUT this is what she said...

It's out of her hands now. There is nothing she can do. Mike is letting her stay at least until Monday. On Monday there is another meeting, with higher ups and all staff and Emily will be on their agenda. They will make a decision about her then. Her counselor said, I am fighting for her, but it's on deaf ears, because it's beyond me now. IF they do let her stay after Monday, it will be very tough for her and she will be forced to take her recovery and their program seriously or she will be taken to the local Salvation Army, given resources to find a shelter.

Talk about falling on deaf ears. I had just listed all the good things this place has done for her and all the hard work she was doing for her recovery. A music scholarship.. does it get any better?? All I can think, is it must.. at least in her eyes.

I spoke with her best friend via facebook. She explained to me, Emily has never made this far in her recovery seriously. Right now she is uncomfortable and she needs to learn being uncomfortable is the new better. Really made sense to me, as far as addiction is concerned.

Another woman in her house send me a message. She said she and Emily were headed out to a class last night together. She planned on trying to talk some sense into Emily. Get some alone time with her and help her. This woman is done with the program, but is choosing to continue the program because she feels she is not ready for the real world yet and has all she needs where she is right now. She is mature, 36, radiating light from herself, a peaceful confidence you can just see.

All I could do is thank them. Tell them I appreciate their time and willingness to help and not give up on her. Because at this point, I have to give up and detach for my health. I can not go backwards healthy wise. They are doing what I can't, and I am very grateful.

AND, I am not sitting around doing nothing waiting for Monday morning to hear the decision. I have Justin painting my kitchen/family room. I am meeting with my friends for long lost lunches and taking care of myself. I have to. Not easy.. but I am doing it.
Hugs
Kelly

Last Saturday

Last Saturday, I took Emily's friend Justin up to see her. Justin left August of 08 for the wilderness program and then an 18 month rehab in AZ. Emily left July of 08 for her therapy school. These 2 have not seen each other in 2 years. I heard from the girls at her house, that she was a nervous wreck all morning. I could tell when we pulled up. It wasn't 10 minutes later, I heard the belly laughs from them, that I instantly remembered from when they were in the 7th and 8th grades.

Since Emily was moved back in her phases, due to "that boy", we had to stick around the house. I took a picnic, we were "allowed" to walk to Drug Mart. And funny how things change.. the house mother that day, had visitors, her sister and nephew.. who happened to live in our old town in Cleveland. After they came, we were "allowed" to venture off the grounds.. go take in a show or meal, but by that time it was too late. We got ice cream instead.

It was a fun day, had by all. I was so happy to see these 2 back together and sober. This is one friend she had before all the addiction started. There are not many of these left. So it meant a lot to me and I believe to them.

Emily even commented that it felt so good to laugh so hard again with him, without the added stress of wondering where the vodka or oxy's were going to come from. Just plain fun.

Justin and I drove back, well he drove my car and we talked. We talked a lot. I learned somethings and he said.. quite a few things that I said to him, really rang a bell in his head.

Good times. for sure.

Hugs

Kelly