It started with a request for a letter from me to her

I have been asked by Emily to write a letter of what her addiction did to me. Oh, and I was suppose to ask the rest of the family to do the same... oh and it's needed right away.

At this point I still do not have my letter done. The main body of it is done. I am conflicted.. I feel I am too harsh.. or mean... but her addiction has been harsh and mean to me... but she's my daughter.. it's not in my nature to "hurt" her.

This subject morphed into several other issues in my life that revolve around addiction and or drug/alcohol issues.

One of them.. I am not ready to discuss.. I am still processing it. maybe I am still in "shock" over it. I hope I can discuss it or write about in time... I hope it doesn't put me in isolation again or send me to the grocery store hiding behind big sunglasses wondering if everyone knew but me.

The other thing that happened this week that involves addiction is... My brother, out of the blue.. asked to see me. Told me he was off work on Thursday and I should come down.. have lunch and hang around his pool. I know he was asked to do this by my Mother... because he did say... Mom was right.. you look like you belong in Ethiopia.
He had mentioned something on the phone about Bloody Mary's by the pool. I was like Bloody Marys? He said well if you don't like that.. we can make something else..

That wasn't my point. My point was... he had a liver transplant 2 years ago in April. That was why I "questioned" the damn Bloody Mary's.

So we had a nice lunch. His son was with us, as he was off work as well. His son will be a JR in college.. he was a State Champion in Hocky, MVP. Off season a soccer star and tennis player.. anything to avoid working. He was fit.. real fit. Now I see him filling in.. but not a healthy fill. He said he enjoys drinking with his frat boys.. most of the bars are cheap and add a daily dinner of wings... and he can get in because of his fake id. I like to be the "cool" aunt... also I remember my time in college... I had a blast.. most of my concept of that blast.. did revolve around drinking. Who am I to judge??

After the lunch we got our suits on... I was asked if I wanted a Bloody Mary.. no I did not.. I don't have my designated driver and it's an hour 20 minutes home. Well that didn't stop them.. garage refrig held all the "good" beer. Heck they both had the day off.. beautiful sunny breezy day.. I get it... ( sorta)

My brother comes out in his suit... that's not all he's adorning.. his huge peace sign scar from the liver transplant is a glaring reminder to me. Many other misc scars.. where there were ports or biopsies..

On to the 2nd 6 pack... he tells me he got his tatoo reinked , as it was fading.. The tattoo that might be the reason he got Hep C in the first place.. the one from Germany in the 80's when nobody knew what sharing needles or ink would do.
Still.. this isn't my place to judge...
But when tells me the tattoo place closed 1 week after he had it recolored.. due to not following the hygene, safety rules... I am sorry.. I am starting to judge...

I am starting to wonder.. when he and his wife handed me the Donate Life application that came with a car sticker .. that my left bumper is wearing.... can I request that if they take my liver they won't give it to someone that will continue to drink? Can I put stipulations on my organs?

WAIT WAIT... it's not about organs... it's about addiction... it's the strong hold to drink beer with your under age son on a beautiful summer day and think nothing is wrong. I forgot for a minute... addiction is stronger than LOVE.. stronger than getting a 2nd chance in life... stronger than anything I will be able to wrap my brain around. I forgot .. again... but it's there to remind me... it's always lurking around the corner to catch me. .. trip me up.

He walked me to the car... he said.. hey do me a favor.. call Mom. I said.. well we kinda had a fight.. he said I gathered that... but I told her I would ask you to call her... He said don't be like Dad's side of the family and hold a grudge and not speak... life is too short for that.. and I am an expert in that area.. I am on borrowed time.

I would like to say he has a death wish... I might be able to understand that... but I can't say that... I can say addiction grabs another one of my family.

Obviously.. his kids, his wife.. us.. aren't enough to live without drinks or drugs.

I could say a lot to him. I could write a letter to him about what his addiction has done to me.. but he is not ready to receive.. and it would end up with us not speaking... by his choice , not mine.

Post script: I forgot.. when I left my house.. I called him to tell him I was on my way. He was on his way home from returning 2 kegs. His wife and daughters went to FL for a week.. so he and his son thought they should have a party all week. He was getting his deposit back and returning the kegs.

I really have no desire to talk to my sister in law.... she is not an open person... and in reality, I should thank her.. if she wasn't there to keep things running.. it would be me... and that's not something I can handle right now... or maybe ever.

Every time I think I am making progress... I am quickly reminded... it never goes away. It's always lurking. Such an unsettling feeling.

Verdict is in...

Well last week, Emily went to court for her Macy's theft. She had completed the theft class and got a letter from her recovery center that said she is still there and working on her program. So ..drum roll.. those charges were exponged.
I am very happy for her. Who wants a record when they are so young??
However I am wondering exactly what she learned?

This week, we got a phone call from her counselor asking us to come up for a meeting with her and the head director this week. Immediately.. we ALL went into crisis mode. Wondering, is she getting kicked out?? What's plan B? Help?? All I can say .. is.. my reality check.. my son sat there saying.. NO NO NO she can't come home.. don't even think about it.. if you do.. I will leave!
Amazing how 1 phone message can put us right back to "survive" mode.
We did call back.. set up an appointment for this Monday.. after work.
Apparently.. Emily is manipulating us against them. Imagine.. a manipulator.. yes, I am being sarcastic.. We are going to get a copy of their rules.. which we have been asking for , for months.

Here is the deal.. Her court dates are like at 8 or 9 am. We have been having horrible weather.. storms, etc.. my husband has had retnia surgeries on both eyes.. he can't see well.. so for him to leave at 4 am.. 2 hours there, 2 hours back to court.. and turn around and either he or take her back by 5 pm.. is crazy. When he talked to cranky house mothers..they were very unkind.. unsympathtic.. and basically could give a crap and wanted off the phone so they can play their computer games. He asked them.. are you punishing her? no sir. are you trying to teach her a lesson? no sir. So why are you punishing me?? It's a matter of safety.
So I went above them.. left a message .. guess they didn't like that.. hence the need for an immediate meeting...

But you know.. with every addict.. there is another side. DANG.. why can't I remember that?? God knows it's been this way for years... I should be trained by now.

I get a call from Emily.. Wed or Thursday.. Mom, I need your help.. ok.. what Em? Well I need a letter from all of you of what my addiction did to you. Hey Em.. we've done this 3 times already.. remember? No , I don't remember. Ok I will do another one and print out the past ones. When do you need this by? dumb question.. yesterday.
I need it ASAP to go to phase 3.. in phase 3 there will be no problem with me spending the night before at home for my court dates. I just didn't want to ask you.. I delayed it. Well since I am feeling a little procrastination coming on myself.. guess you'll get, when you get it.

We chit chatted about stuff.. and I said.. hey wasn't it great your brother went with me last time and he actually came in and met the other girls?? I said that's a HUGE step. She said.. he was mean. I am like mean? We were all talking.. listening to music.. I was having fun.. was I in the same car? Mom... he is a spoiled brat.. and ya know what.. I worked hard on repairing my relationship with him and I am done. He's like an only child now and you guys are spoiling him.. and don't give me that.. he's a 17 year old boy crap..anymore.. WOW.. back to the selfishness.. it's all about me.. ungrateful.. Some things don't change when they get sober... infact they might get magnified.. because the haze is gone. Do you consider 1 letter repairing your relationship? Because he has years of hurt and anger.. 1 letter is not gonna repair that.. but oh yea.. I remember now.. you take the easy road... to justify your feelings and forget about others... Dang! I should be remembering this stuff!

So Monday is our meeting and Tuesday is her felony court date.. these might not be as easy to exponged.. but I sure hope she learns something...
Isn't it funny .. that I feel like she is gonna mess up after Tuesday... in the back of my mind is that ticking.. ticking.. she is only where she is because of court...

I guess I am off to spoil my son and go to dinner...
Cheers
Kelly

Purple Hair, Piercings and Facebook

This is not my daughter.. grabbed this from the web. It could not be my daughter, as this looks professionally done. I might even like it on a normal day. But is there ever a normal day?

One of the ways I communicate with my daughter is via Facebook. The very place I had blocked several years ago. Now I am a proud member.

Her posts yesterday... send me back the "shock value" days.

I got a jankie piercing

I have purple hair and I don't care

Awhh the comments are long.. and on a normal day.. funny.

Our IM went like this:

M - a piercing huh?

E- yea yea.. hahahaha

M- With the money I gave you last weekend, I could have a had a healthy facial

E- hahahahahahaha.. your so funny mommy.

M- I am not trying to be funny

E- it was a belated birthday gift from a friend. Cost 15.00

M- hope it doesn't get infected

E- I know I know..you get what you pay for right??

M- I gotta run.. but I love you

E- I lovvvvve u 222222 Wait til you see my next post!

Next post:

I have purple hair and I don't care

Lack of maturity .. probably. Lack of filter: most definately

Hair has never been a battle. I have and will again pay for a good cut and color... within some guidelines.. I am paying.. I have to look at it.. so we compromise.

Anything else you pay for

I do not pay for your hair mistakes

I know deep in my heart, if she is alive.. at age 38 she will not have purple hair.

So what does all this bother me? If you have the answer, I would love to hear it.

Why do , after all the history, all the trama, all the relapses, all the sober time, are we back to this?

On a normal day... I might laugh.. but I haven't had a normal day in 5 years.

The tattoos... the piercings.. nose, eyebrow, belly button, the hair colors... crayola would be jealous of the colors she has come up with. My brother had a liver transplant due to a tattoo in Germany in the early 80's.

The "dare to be different" in her, is strong.

Sigh.. I guess I will take purple hair and a belly button ring over using heroin.

In the past ... they have co-insided. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Hugs

Kelly

Not an Elephant in the room, but an Octopus

Recently, I had the unfornate experience of having a real fight with my Mother. Probably one of the most hurtful experiences in my life.

I won't get into the details.. they actually don't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter is, I had a vision of an Octopus in our family. One that grabbed hold.. to the entire family.. reaches and attaches itself to all of us.. Addiction does that... just like an octopus. It has grabbed us.. latched on and whipping us around.. causing hurt, blame and mean unsaid words. It's reached heart of relationships with all of us.

I would like to say.. I honestly feel like.. I am past "blame". Where did it get me? But make me feel bad, unworthy of a better life. It created jealousy from me.. when I saw other Mother's and their daughters out having fun.. innocent fun..quality time.. that I felt robbed of. It created me to isolate.. I didn't want to feel bad. It made think horrible things about my daughter.. that she tore our family apart. That she smashed my dreams. It made me feel depressed I did not give my son another sibling. It reached places I never knew exsisted in me... places I didn't like.

We are held prisoner by this octopus. To shake free.. I have got to let go the blame , the what IF's.

When my Mom saw me for the first time in 6 months.. she said I am sick... it's written everywhere. Then she went on to say how much she blames her granddaughter, my daughter for it. It was then I got the vision of an octopus...grabbing every single one of us. Calmly, I explained .. how she feels for me.. I feel for my daughter. Would I be able to say that to her if I didn't know where Emily was? Or if she was still using? I don't know. But, blaming is not get any of us healthy.

And, I lost, what I felt was my safe haven.. My Mom's comfort and retreat.

I need to turn this octopus into Calimari.

It's BIGGER than LOVE

L-O-V-E. What a powerful 4 letter word. Everyone strives for it. Everyone says it. Cards are signed with this word. Love thy Mother and Father. Love thy children. Love thy neighbors ( but not too much ). Churches are build on the love of God. Home Sweet Home is created with love. Everything GOOD in life was made with or from Love. Is Hate or Jealousy bigger than Love? No, I don't think so. But addiction is. It's bigger and badder than the all powerful Love. It takes from you.. no more self love.. it robs you of family love.. it turns your friends away. Addiction is bigger than Love.

There's that bond between Mother and Child. A bond that you never think can be severed. You think to yourself.. my love for my daughter is bigger than any addiction. My love will reach her and grab her back. My unconditional love is so big, I will do everything in my power to fight your addiction for you. I will go bankrupt, I will find the best help possible, I will let you live with me again, all because I love you unconditionally.

But, I have learned.. I can not love you death.
Who would have thought I would ever come to a concept like that in my lifetime?

I have a friend. Let's call her Sarah. Sarah is a very loving person, sometimes too much so, as I gently remind her. Sarah has worked her whole life. Sarah is in her later 50's. Sarah's huband is 62. He has a very professional job. Just waiting to travel and spend time with his loving wife. Sarah's daughter is an addict. I don't know if there is a "good" addict.. but Sarah's daughter is not a "good" addict. Sarah just got custody of her grandsons. 12 and 5 year old boys that have never been to school. Sarah and her loving hard working husband will not be travelling too soon. Sarah's love for her daughter is so huge, so grand, so beyond anything I can concieve of that she is willing to let go of her earned lifestyle and raise 2 trama strickened grandboys.

Why she is doing this... because it's the right thing to do and bigger than that.. because she loves her daughter to much... so very much. Her daughter loves drugs.

Love is a big powerful word, but it does not reach addicts.

Hi All,

Sorry I have been MIA.. been working non stop..like 50 hours a week. But I feel the need for some support and I know that's a lot to ask for in this area. Here is the update. End of Oct. we got a phone call from the woman from the Sober Living home where my daughter finally went back to. She said she was in the hospital..not for using, but my daughter had been raped. She was selling an ipod she had stolen and the situation got out of control. ( however, I might believe this perp, she wanted drugs). I flew down to FL and got her the next day and brought her home. The guy had just gotten out of jail that morning and is a career criminal. We jumped with both feet to get her into help, rape advocacy woman, girls group, etc. She was so grateful and thankful, got a job at Starbucks, we were getting her lience.. etc.

This past week I knew things were up. I asked to meet her new friends when they came to get her and she said she was setting her boundaries and acting like a normal 18 year old girl and was not going to bring her friends into meet me. That was Friday night. We did not hear from til Sunday at 3:30 pm. She came home and said she was thinking of moving out in the next few weeks. We said fine, but, do this drug test and if it's positive, you will be moving out in 20 minutes.

She failed the test. She took 1 bag of clothes and called her old b/f to come get her. Around 6:30pm it was the police. They arrested her and her b/f for trying to write bad checks at a check cashing place. They also found my husbands credit card in his back pocket. They asked if we wanted to press charges, we said yes. For some reason she did not get out today. She has called my husband and is shocked we are pressing charges and she can't come back to our home. She said all I want to do is heroin til she dies. She will not do anymore rehabs, she will not go get psych help. As soon as they release her tomorrow she is going to score and try and kill herself.

I am numb and I feel like I should act on this and try to reach someone who can help her save her life.

This is or shall I say was my beautiful daughter that I had such hopes for. I am not doing well. I actually thought I would give her the heroin and let her do it so she can find peace..she is so tormented on this earth.

11-23-09

We have offered her rehab today on the phone and she said F you. She said you want to go to another rehab and do all that talking, just to talk, because I do not want to walk the walk, I want to use.
We can not afford another rehab..it would be her 4th one, in addition to therapy school for 9 months.
There are no beds open in the area for the more public ones. I am afraid this time we can not help her.

I can not meet her when she gets out of jail...I actually have for the debt she has caused us and my husband has a huge meeting tomorrow out of town.. I am afraid this time we can not help. We need to move on and not have every day be about her, we need to start paying off the flights, the attorneys, the therapists.

Even if I had the time and money.. I honestly don't want to see her... I am afraid if she started begging I would let her back in or I would take her to get dope, which I never I did before , but maybe this is her journey and she is miserable and so tormented. She is dealing with PTDS and I think it's a mountain to high for her climb.

She is 18 and I can't drag her to rehab. Like I said, we can't afford one and they are all full here. Psych wards will keep her 72 hours and she knows that talk and those beds are full .. so hopefully they will give her a name of a shelter or she will call her friends and I will get a call she is gone. She has no money, no phone, no clothes ( they were taken by the police)..and this isn't her rock bottom, she is still saying F you


11-24-09

Thanks Everyone! Where it stands now... there are still no beds anywhere. My husband has been working all day on this. I have decided to let go and not rack my brain for options. He is currently picking her up at the woman's work house ( jail place ). She is begging for help and saying she is in detox bad and really wants help. Sad thing is, I don't believe her. My husband could not let her just walk out of there without any money, phone, or anything. Oh by the way, the shelters are full. So there is a place in NC that is a 2 year program and the first year is free. I told him he could offer that and they will take her in 24 hours. Otherwise he can drop her off at her dealers/ b/f's house and I want nothing more to do with this.

And you all are right... I have to take of myself, having her around is not taking care of myself. My Mom asked me today.. How will you ever find happiness again? You are my daughter and I love you and I am so sad that you are loosing so much of your wonderful self. I have been patient, I have been supporting, I have done tough love, I have given and I have taken and now I can not do it anymore. I also told my husband if he continues this, he will have to leave for good. He wanted me to call her b/f and my daughters stuff out of his car. I said no. I didn't want her take the stuff in the first, she needs to be stripped to the clothes on her back. If you continue to enable, I will officially loose my mind, so you need to decide if you can let go of her and only pray for her and for us to heal. If you can't, you will have leave. He said he did not like leaving with no options. I said she left her self with no options. He feels its not her fault the places are full or we don't have the money for the good ones. I feel it is the nature of the beast and it's time for her to take over the beast not us.

My daughters best friend is home this week from rehab , he has been gone 20 months. We were all suppose to have this great celebration. I went to see him... because I had to... but I told him I can't express my happiness for you because of how I am feeling about Emily...I said I am not jealous... but I am not being fair to you...giving you my all. He said he understood and still wants to talk to her. I told him at this point silence might be stronger.. He got choked up and it's weighing heavily on his mind, and I don't want to cause his fragle state any disruption. His first home visit should be joyous.

I also want to thank you all here! You can't know how your words and support mean to me. I believe it is keeping me sane right now. I have become friends with my daughters therapist. She is texting all the time.. how are things? Are you ok? She said to me she felt like she stalking me, but F Emily and I am here for you... anytime. Working so much keeps my mind busy. I work with MRDD clients.. sometimes I wonder if it's any easier at work... but it helps. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS and ALL YOUR SUPPORT
Kelly


11-25-09

I thank god every day she does not have kids. She has never been interested in kids and does take her birth control, seems it's the only thing in her life she has consistantly kept up on. The idea of kids/grandkids like your situation would probably honestly put me in the ground. And our "system" says it for kids, but becomes so much red tape without very many good options unfortunately.

Well my husband picked her up. He gave her a list of names and places that were willing to talk to her. He said she can home only, if she picks the 2 year program in NC, so she can do their application and 5 page paper and we would have her on a plane in 24 hours. She decided to go to someones house. We do not know the neighborhood or the person. A Mom answered the door with a baby in her arms and in went my daughter. My husband did give her a 5.00 phone card. She said she would think about it. And I believe she was begging for rehab because it was easier than jail at that moment. Now if we will know if she is serious if she calls these people and asks us for a ride to one of them. It is called Recovery Ventures Corporation in NC. One of the therapist in our area recommended it.

I did tell my husband to tell her, I will not see or speak to her until she wants help..but I find myself wondering how she is? If I did get to talk to her, could I make a difference. What is she wearing, what is she eating? Is she shooting up and going to OD?..can I stop it? That she is a very sick girl mentally and emotionally, going thru PTSD and should I be helping? I think I can only move on if there is closure..be it a rehab or death..it's the inbetween that is killing me slowly. Today, it doesn't feel like I can even do one foot in front of the other...but I am gonna try.. I have a son that wants Thanksgiving and has a day off. I have a boat load of work to do and don't want to do it. Then I get mad because her actions cause this in me..and I know thats wrong.
THANKS EVERYONE! Happy Thanksgiving! K


11-29-09

I guess just knowing that I or our family is not alone in all this.

One of the younger boys in AA went into our local Starbucks after a meeting and saw Emily. She was working. He said she looks bad and pretty sad, looking at the ground. He told her ..you have my number, call anytime and she said my parents took my phone. In his mind thought "GOOD"! He told us the mgr of Starbucks is great girl, has been thru some stuff in her life and gave Emily a 2nd chance, but that's it.

Some of her "good" friends have found out she is living with her dealer b/f. I am assuming they are living at his parents house, less than 2 miles from us. He doesn't have a job or life..so I am sure he is taking her to work and taking her paycheck. He has texted me saying what horrible parents we are for throwing our daughter to the streets. In the heat of the moment I told him, I blame his parents for not getting him help a long time ago and letting 2 addicts live with them. It made me feel better.

I spent Thanksgiving cleaning her room. I got rid of all the clothes she left, they remind me of her worst days. It's sparkling clean and now feels good to enter that room. We had dessert with her best friend and family that was in for his first home visit. He is doing great. There were a few red flags during his visit, but, luckily his Mom and I have each other and she knows she can vent to me , as I have been there , done that. We are not 100% sure those 2 didn't see each other.

My son came to me tonight, his Ipod is missing. I told him he could text her b/f. He said no, he will just pay a visit to Starbucks himself and take care of it. I also found 2 bottles of my pills gone. So we are still trying to move on. It's almost as if her name is a bad word around here. I hate for it be like this, but, we are in "protect " ourselves mode around here.

Thanks again everyone! Have a great Monday.. one foot in front of the other, that will be my Monday.
Kelly


12-02-09

I am slowing reading thru your thread.. breaks my heart over again.. but so nice to see you making such progress in healing! I hope to follow in your footsteps!


The drama continues here... The Det. came over last night, gave us our credit cards and stuff back. I think we taught him something. He had an "attitude" about where we live, kept making comments. I believe when he left here, he knew we were a family in pain and could be from anywhere or any part of the city.

Wasn't 15 minutes after he left. Emily called asking for more clothes, her winter coats, electric guitar and money. We said no. We told her she better make her court date. She was told her by b/f ..all she had to do was fill out a bunch of paperwork.. we said oh no... Then 10 minutes later the Det called again saying her b/f had called him for advice. He laughted at him and said, I only give the victums advice.. criminals should pay the price.

So we are holding strong. My husband decided if my daughter meets him at a meeting , after the meeting he will give her , her winter coats.

VALENTINES DAY - 2010

FAST FORWARD: TODAY

I have not spoken my daughter too much since she has been in this current rehab. I sent her a heartfelt letter with my husband last weekend when he went to see her on Family Day. In it, I explained I am tired of spending my weekends at rehabs for her. That it is important that I spend time my son, her brother. He is 16 and I don't want to leave him alone in the house... (girlfriend). And I don't him to think we both keep dropping everything to run to her. I also told her, she is an adult now, I do not want to involved with her process of learning to make her own adult decisions. So in reality, I don't want to blamed for anymore decisions made for her benefit.

The phone at the rehab house has been down due to snow. For like 5 days!

We tried the actual rehab today and they found her and we got talk.

She sounds good... real good. She is thankful she is learning about her "disease". She believes if she relapses she will die. Each relapse has been worst then past one. She is thankful she does not have children ( me too!). She is humbled at this rehab.. it's not luxery, like the ones in the past... it's not full of people with money. It has a higher rate of success. She wants to be one of them. She believes she can go to school ( college ) if she tries. She is finding the Spiritual side of her life. She is happy she is young and has to be all she can be.

Now, all these things, I have told her many times over... I understand it takes someone other than "Mom" to reach her. I found her repeating things I have said or believe myself...

HOWEVER, I am finding it hard to believe. I feel I have been burned so many times, what makes this one different? Except to say, I have not invested myself in this one. I have moved on and I am trying to find my balance.. I am trying to make sure I am healthy, my needs are taken care of first. I WANT TO BELIEVE HER SO BAD.. but I AM AFRAID!

So for now.. I will find the peace that she is still there , safe and sober.
Happy Valentines Day my lovely daughter.