Thank You all for the Support! Times already Changed...

Sometimes the Universe does have a lot of pull in the timing department!  This week one of Emily's old friends stopped by.  He and she were charged together in 08.  They both "went away" right after that.  He was 3 years clean last Aug!!!  He was in from AZ, where he makes his new home now.  This is him and his new beautiful girlfriend.

My phone was ringing... and I was like the phone can wait, I want to spend a quality 30 or 60 minutes with him. 

I retrieved my message the next morning.  3 from Emily.  Crying, choking, wishing I would pick up to help her, but knowing if anyone found she used the phone , she would be in big trouble.  I am glad I did not pick up.  For many reasons.  I was just telling her friend how well she was doing and how she only asked about him and nobody else.  She said she was thinking of leaving and the sleep deprivation was too much for her and would look up on line another program near there which is also long term and free. 

Let me tell you, my heart ached for a few minutes, the Mother in me.  Then I remembered she was an addict.  Her mind works for her benefit only.  So by us having a great visit with her, it opened the door for her to call me and want to move to yet another place, thinking it will be easier and it won't and she won't do the hard work she needs to do and moving to different places over and over again, isn't working.  I remembered she is actress.  She could win awards in that area.  I remembered she is lier, manipulator.  I remembered she is newly sober and things really don't change over a short amount of time, they change by working a program long term.. in for the long haul. 

Several people asked me why I have not called the program to get details.  Several reasons, I like that I am not active in her program.. it's hers, not mine.  I need the break.  I am sure this place is used to this and can handle it.  And I don't wanna get her in more trouble... I know she will be caught and I know they will take care of it. 

The only thing is, if she did leave or leaves, I would like to know.  I know she is capable of doing it and in all honesty, more capable of doing that , than staying and doing the hard work.  I hope they would call me if she left.  Not that I could do anything, but it's not like she is around the corner and in a place she knows how to survive in. 

So please continue to keep us/ her in your prayers and thoughts this Holiday Season.  There is no gift that could ever replace the power of prayers to keep our children safe and healthy.

The Shift

Well you can see she gained weight since I dropped her off at 88 pounds! 

I titled this "The Shift", not The Change, because I am really not sure people really change THAT much.  I think they shift.  We had Family Day with Emily last Saturday.  Just got back in town last night.  All I can say is, I cried and cried and for once they were tears of joy!

When I took her down to the program, I am driving in the dark with newly detoxed girl, so I did what I could to get her there,  I promised her if she graduated we would go dance on Jim Morrison's grave, she could have my ipod, heck, she could have my car... oh and you are still unsure, we will be there for the Christmas Family Day and if you don't like it, we will figure something else out... but please just give it 50 days! 

Knowing she holds us to our word, we discussed how we would handle it if she did say, get me out of here.  We had our plan, you have to with her or probably with any other addict.  Plan A, Plan B and Plan C. 

The first thing she said to me, was remember you said we'd talk about another place if I didn't  like it here?  Ut oh..here it comes I am thinking... she said well I hate it here!  But, I need to hate it here.  I want it.  I know if I can this do , I can do anything and have a chance at a good life.  She said it's the hardest thing she or anyone she knows has done and she is sorry it has come down to this and she blew all the cushy places she went to. 

As their website says, it's the end of the road.. the only other options are death and jail.  It's true.  I would not recommend this place as a first time program.  I would not recommend this to anyone that is not serious.  I have my own believes and I do not believe sleep deprivation is beneficial to sanity, but she is doing it.  There were a lot of red flags or things I have a hard time with, but it doesn't matter what I think.  It matters that she gets clean and has a chance at life and wants this.

They do everything for a reason, but don't question their reason.  Everything is some kind of test, even for us.  Don't question it.  I quickly learned not to worry about her, they will  not let her die and they just might reach her in a way nobody else has been able to do.

The program was from noon to 5pm.  We sat with a family that flew in from NJ.  There were people from all over the country.  At 3pm they rounded up the girls to leave and go work.  Leaving their families that made a lot of arrangements and spent a lot of money to be there.  They did not ask Emily to leave to go to work.  I said, maybe you should volunteer to go?  She said, she does sometimes, now is not the time.  They came and got 2 of the 3 girls at our table and if they wanted her, they would have told her then.  The founder came up to our table and spent about 10 minutes with us and said he believes in her, believes she wants this and they help her get it.  Then they started a graduation ceremony.  There were 11 graduates.  Let's just say, I didn't think I had anymore tears left, but I did!  We got to stay until 7pm with Emily.  I don't know if it was a test, I don't know if she will "pay" for that or what.. but like I said, they do everything for a reason, so even I had to trust there was a lesson there for her... and us. 

She is in trouble for somethings, so it will be awhile before we can communicate with her.  They call it "on the move"  Meaning even less sleep and more work.  The last thing I said to her was, quit being on the move and stay still and listen for awhile so we can talk on the phone and write. 

She has been there just over 50 days and it's her 8th program and it's the biggest shift in her that I have ever seen.  My husband is hopeful.  I can't go there, as I have been burned too many times with hope that never happens.  I am more shocked... but a good shocked!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts.  Keep them coming because it's a life long disease.

CONTROL

There is reason I didn't become an addict.    I was talking to friend I recently actually met from ODR (opiate-recovery board),  and it became clear to me.  In between my 2nd and  3rd back surgery, I was taking percocets or Oxycontin every 4 hours and actually told to enhance it with alcohol.  If that doesn't set the ground work for a pill addict, I don't what does.  She (my friend)  felt I was just one of the "lucky" ones.  I'd like think I differently.  I like to feel in control.  I couldn't wait for my 3rd my surgery to get off those meds.. sure hand me some Lexapro for awhile, because my life as I knew it changed, but get me off these pain pills.  I walked out of the hosp.  that night of my 3rd surgery and was off all pain pills within 4 days and don't remember experiencing any with drawls.  But in my mind, the pills were for pain and and I was no longer in pain and gained my control back. 

But control is a double edged sword.  When addiction hits your child or any family member or any close friend, there is nothing you can control.  It's hard to sit back and watch the addiction control your loved one.  I still struggle with it a lot!  Let go and trust.. Yea right!  If I am not proactive for my children, what kind of mother am I?  Talk about struggle... I guess luck was on my side.. I didn't reach for my old bottle of percocets to get me thru. 

We had not heard a word from the place I dropped Emily off at in mid October.  I had called, emailed, sent a letter.. and found their facebook page, where I politely asked how I could get a hold of someone with my "business" questions.. which was promptly deleted within 4 hours.  I had no control.  No way to get ahold of anyone.  We finally got a generic letter about their "family day" Dec. 12th.  They suggested we donate items to their program... that was my loop hole... I told my husband to call and find out what donations they are looking for ( since they are not responding to me).  They called him back the next day.

Sure, I will donate some shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, contact solution... but I got the information I wanted too, which was my goal.

The first night Emily was there, at dinner she broke down and cried.  She was overwhelmed with the hot food , clean bed, showers.  She thought she would be in a homeless shelter or on the street.  The out of control levels a family stoops to , to get their child somewhere safe is actually uncontrollable... isn't it?

The woman my husband spoke to is 50 years old, she completed the program a year ago.  She said Emily is their most extreme case of anyone her age.  Due to her young age, she has lived the lifetime of an addict in such a short amount of time.  Their program is the end of the road, which they state on their website.. the next step is jail or death.. and that's where my daughter is... obviously I had no control. 

Besides the normal we hear about her, sweet sweet girl, bright, such potential.  We heard a new word.  Emily is grateful.  I would never put Emily and grateful in the same sentence.  If she were sober for 10 years, I still don't believe we would hear those 2 words together.  ( made me think she is faking it, playing her game)   We heard about her rebellion.  She is struggling with the rules, all addicts do, you know they above the rules.. we know this too.  But I was surprised again about what rule she was rebelling about, clothes.  The woman said this is normal.  It's a psychological thing.  The girl addict's control.  And the place's goal is to teach them, it isn't what's on the outside, it's what is on the inside.  Emily never wore tight clothes, she never wore those shirts above her pant waist.  She has no chest, so no tight shirts for her.. but that changed in the last year or so.  I suppose dancing at clubs made her see her body in a different light or she knew if she dressed a certain way, she got what she wanted or needed at that time. And now that became a habit.

We asked if it was too soon to see her.  We are afraid she will ask us to leave there.  The woman said you would not have been invited unless we didn't feel Emily was ready.  And if she asks us that, we are to find the woman and all 4 of us will work it out. 

So my husband officially RSVP'd for he and I.  She said I thought Emily's brother was invited.  We said he was, but he is unwilling to come.  She said that's ashame, but that's the consequences of our actions and we loose a lot. 

And yet again, I have not control.  I would love for our whole small family to go, as a family unit.  But, my son is 18, an adult and he has his own journey with it and I have found if I try to control that, it back fires.

I know when I see Emily, how she feels and how she is doing and all I can control is my reaction, which might just be none.  Sometimes no reaction is best, since I have no control.

OD to Kicked Out to Felony To Rehab To Shelter To HELP

The Month of October has been crazy.  The range of emotions were wild.  I will just give a quick timeline to catch you up.

Last weekend in Sept I had my Mom here for her sorority reunion and OSU football game.  I also had my son in town for the high school Homecoming.  Let me set the scene, OSU is big 10.  Beautiful weekend.  Many alumni in town for the game.  It's huge and most people have to take a shuttle to get close to campus to walk to the stadium.  We get a call from some random girl that she has my daughter and something is wrong,  I asked where she was.  She was right outside the McDonald's in front the of the stadium and there is 15 minutes left in the game.  I talk to Emily and I have never experienced any conversation like that in my life.  I asked to speak to the random girl again and said find a policeman and have them take her somewhere.  Well that freaked her out.  So my husband got on the phone and spoke with both of them and he concluded she was experiencing some kind of psychotic episode from bath salts.  He said there is not way we could get her with the traffic and timing of the game and their location.  So best to find a policeman.  The girl texted us back and said when she went to find a policeman, Emily bolted. 

Needless to say, we were worried.  But, life goes on, I had to fake it til I made it.  Get my son ready for Homecoming, welcome my Mom and her friend home after the game.  We did not hear anything else all night.

Sunday at 6:30 am Emily called from the hospital.  Wanting a ride home to Ben's house where she is staying.  We said no, we would give her a ride to free help.  We asked her to read the papers to us.  It said: Bath Salt over dose and extreme depression.  Later we found out  her heart stopped and they had use an ultra sound to find her veins.  UGH.

Later that week, I spend a day with her, looking back I can say she was on bath salts.  I was exhausted from being with her.. her words were crazy and made no sense.  We did get her an ID, god forbid she died and was a Jane Doe.  We went to see a counselor, whom she dismissed afterwards. 

Oct 13th, She was kicked out of Ben's house at 10pm.  I guess the guys from KY showed up on their door step and brought trouble and the parents didn't like that.  HUMMM, I could have told them that and I did ask over and over that they kick her out.  I happened to be out with my friend, who drove us to get her and the plan was to take her a local hosp.  Got there and they didn't have room for her.  So I said a shelter and my friend refused , so she kept her over night.  I was having company the next day, so I was sure when I could get her, my friend said it didn't matter, they would look for places.

By 4:00 pm on Friday Oct 14th , she had made no arrangements.  So I took her to the local free place for mental health.  Netcare.  It's basically a 24 hour place for assessments.  Emily stayed Friday night, Sat night, Sunday night and Monday night.  That's basically unheard of... but she managed.  After finding out there is not bed at the local free rehab, she decided long term help in NC.  It's all we can afford, because it's free. 

Meanwhile on Friday, my husband is calling me, our bank account was screwed up.  Here she stole a check from me. Wrote it out to Ben and he cashed it Oct 1, 2011 way out East somewhere for 175.00.  Yes, we pressed charges.

The NC place said she had to do 5 days in a rehab here for detox and we had to have the paperwork it was completed.  While there, she met people that had done the NC place and heard all these horrible things and decided not to do it, instead go to a homeless shelter.  We had paid 500.00 to the rehab on the assumption she was going to NC.  So we played hardball.  This was it, we paid this money for NC.  Everyone worked hard to get all that was needed for NC.  TB test, HIV test, criminal background check I paid for, the necessary things on "the list".  She has spent all the money I took her, $7.00 so she could not call us.  The rehab would not let her use the phone so we could "convince " her. 

Sunday my husband was suppose to pick her up at 9am.  He said he would try to convince her to go to NC.  She called at 8 am and said to come get her at 4:30pm as the shelters did not open until 5pm.  I said, well she sealed her fate.  I could not get to NC in time for a 9am check in , in NC then.  She called back at 11am and asked to get her at noon, she was getting scared about a shelter.  Finally at 2pm, she decided NC and I had a 9 hour drive.  Luckily I had some things packed, I rushed and got the rest done and we hit the road.

She was still on the fence on the road.. I wasn't much help, I am not an addict, I am tired, I am driving on roads I have no clue where I am.  So she spoke to a friend of mine, a young girl, who is 30 and 8 months clean... thank god for her!  She calmed Emily down, saying of course you are scared, us addicts want what we want right away.  We want to be right, we don't wanna feel ..we don't wanna hear what we dont' wanna hear..

There was some more drama, but bottom line at 9:05 last Monday I dropped her off at a 2 year free program in the mountains of NC.  She had 9 days clean by then and I did get to see she can recover if she chooses.. .where the week before I was unsure her brain could ever recover. 

I did not drop her off for the right reasons.  I did say, we expect you to graduate this program, but I don't have the feeling that will happen.  But when you are in the heat of the moment, you will take whatever you can get and we did that.  So please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.  I hope her life can be saved and I hope she sees that, as it's out of our hands.

And the Outcome

Since Sunday, there has not been 1 word from her.  No call for a ride to the library, or to use our phone, etc.

Am I surprised?  NO

Am I upset?  NO

I am  not even disappointed.  Because for once, I am not letting her get to me.  I have no expectations for her, therefore I can not disappointed.  I am even past being sad for her.

I am headed to see my son early tomorrow, take him to lunch, take him some goodies and spend some quality time hearing all about his new college life!

There is Always a Motive

( This was copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Warning this may be long.. but I would love feed back. I don't want this to seem like I'm happy or excited or even see light at the end of the tunnel, because I am not that way. I am basically nothing, numb. I honestly have no feelings one way or another. I am fine with that, b/c if you remember when I described feeling burned.. I am not ready to be fried again.. because that's the point I am at. If I let myself believe her, I will be toast..I know that.




She claims, and I have heard similar before, she is done... she knows God has a plan for her, b/c she is alive and because all her blood tests were ok..and after all she has been thru she should not be alive or healthy. She said I give up. I surrender. I am done. I have no money to get anything, I have not friends to contact to help me or get me anything. She lives in a basement luckily it's a "mansion". Watches HBO and Showtime all day... bored silly. Has had time to think. She wants help.



We had decided that, she had to get herself into a program. She needed to complete that program in full and it had to be 90 days or longer..and then we will talk. She actually said, 90 days is not enough. So after a bunch of her yacking... we said bottom line what do you want from us? Why are you here?



She said she got a job? She would like a ride if it's raining. She would like to use a phone to call rehabs and programs. She would like a ride to the library to use the computer to find a program. Maybe a meal once in awhile. She mentioned several times how she had no clothes, no shoes. I came back with, sorry, I have bought you enough over and over again. Save your money from your job. She said she knew and wasn't saying it b/c she wanted to buy more.. but that helped bring her to the realization that she has nothing. But, she is now willing to do the work for something.



She kept bringing up school, college. Finally my husband said.. that's not a possibility now, you have to do the hard work first, before you can consider school. So he is picking her up and taking her to the library for an hour or 2 today. I did not volunteer to do anything. He jumped , so I let him. I am not ready to get near that stove again any time soon.



That's probably selfish... but to be honest here, I have been feeling "off".. I went to the dr last week and Friday I got the news I am hypo-thyroid now. Started the meds, but it might take awhile to tweak it. Again, I am reminded that, my health is first.. funny how the timing of it all worked out.



She talked about how she never had gratitude before. She is learning it now. I am not sure if you can learn it or if it's just "there". B/c I have always said, I have learned you can't instill common sense, gratitude, etc as a mother. She admitted she was a pathological lier. She admitted she steals but knows its wrong. She would like psychological help, EMDR or whatever our insurance would cover. IOP is ok, but she would rather do long term inpatient. We said we would be happy to give resources and the use of our phone, but not do the work.



So we shall see.. it can go either way for her.. but, I know the way it has to go for me.. and that's to keep going, keep doing what I am doing, one foot in front of the other and keep busy.

Humm , She made contact.

( This is copy and pasted from my thread on ODR)

I wanted to take a minute and give you all an update..quickly. Emily is here... not for the night or anything. She asked for a meeting.. had a list w/ bullet points she asked if she could over with us. We did not want to do it somewhere in public.. we had no idea how she would look, she has no filter, sometimes loud. So we picked her up, brought her here.. At one point, we asked her to stop talking, she can wear us out in a short period.. and we don't want to know all this crap.. or at least I don't. I said , call somebody else.. tell them. I can't take it. She said who? I have burnt all my bridges, I am here b/c I am telling you I have nobody else. Then my husband said start going to meetings and get a woman sponser.




Then I remembered our dear friend Kristen. I text Kristen and she was available and they are on the phone now.. and have been for awhile. Kudos to Kristen.



I had these carpet cleaners here Friday AM. He saw pictures in my house... asked about the kids. I was honest. He asked if it was alright if he prayed for Emily.. I pictured all of you.. all the people we know and don't know..praying for her. I said, please do, I have given that up... I now rely on others to do it for me. Emily called last night. I won't get into the details now.. it's long and I , of course, have my opinions. Incidently, the carpet cleaner was on Oprah. I had booked marked her show when he and his wife were on with their 6 babies. He said, he got so much hate mail. We talked about how the world can be cruel.. and bottom line.. if you have your faith or spiritality, believe in yourself and have good intentions.. you will be ok. So who knew having carpet cleaners would be healing for me?



I will write more later when I am less tired and have some sort of idea if anything has been taken from our home and I was fed a line of BS and manipulation.