Not an Elephant in the room, but an Octopus

Recently, I had the unfornate experience of having a real fight with my Mother. Probably one of the most hurtful experiences in my life.

I won't get into the details.. they actually don't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things.

What does matter is, I had a vision of an Octopus in our family. One that grabbed hold.. to the entire family.. reaches and attaches itself to all of us.. Addiction does that... just like an octopus. It has grabbed us.. latched on and whipping us around.. causing hurt, blame and mean unsaid words. It's reached heart of relationships with all of us.

I would like to say.. I honestly feel like.. I am past "blame". Where did it get me? But make me feel bad, unworthy of a better life. It created jealousy from me.. when I saw other Mother's and their daughters out having fun.. innocent fun..quality time.. that I felt robbed of. It created me to isolate.. I didn't want to feel bad. It made think horrible things about my daughter.. that she tore our family apart. That she smashed my dreams. It made me feel depressed I did not give my son another sibling. It reached places I never knew exsisted in me... places I didn't like.

We are held prisoner by this octopus. To shake free.. I have got to let go the blame , the what IF's.

When my Mom saw me for the first time in 6 months.. she said I am sick... it's written everywhere. Then she went on to say how much she blames her granddaughter, my daughter for it. It was then I got the vision of an octopus...grabbing every single one of us. Calmly, I explained .. how she feels for me.. I feel for my daughter. Would I be able to say that to her if I didn't know where Emily was? Or if she was still using? I don't know. But, blaming is not get any of us healthy.

And, I lost, what I felt was my safe haven.. My Mom's comfort and retreat.

I need to turn this octopus into Calimari.

It's BIGGER than LOVE

L-O-V-E. What a powerful 4 letter word. Everyone strives for it. Everyone says it. Cards are signed with this word. Love thy Mother and Father. Love thy children. Love thy neighbors ( but not too much ). Churches are build on the love of God. Home Sweet Home is created with love. Everything GOOD in life was made with or from Love. Is Hate or Jealousy bigger than Love? No, I don't think so. But addiction is. It's bigger and badder than the all powerful Love. It takes from you.. no more self love.. it robs you of family love.. it turns your friends away. Addiction is bigger than Love.

There's that bond between Mother and Child. A bond that you never think can be severed. You think to yourself.. my love for my daughter is bigger than any addiction. My love will reach her and grab her back. My unconditional love is so big, I will do everything in my power to fight your addiction for you. I will go bankrupt, I will find the best help possible, I will let you live with me again, all because I love you unconditionally.

But, I have learned.. I can not love you death.
Who would have thought I would ever come to a concept like that in my lifetime?

I have a friend. Let's call her Sarah. Sarah is a very loving person, sometimes too much so, as I gently remind her. Sarah has worked her whole life. Sarah is in her later 50's. Sarah's huband is 62. He has a very professional job. Just waiting to travel and spend time with his loving wife. Sarah's daughter is an addict. I don't know if there is a "good" addict.. but Sarah's daughter is not a "good" addict. Sarah just got custody of her grandsons. 12 and 5 year old boys that have never been to school. Sarah and her loving hard working husband will not be travelling too soon. Sarah's love for her daughter is so huge, so grand, so beyond anything I can concieve of that she is willing to let go of her earned lifestyle and raise 2 trama strickened grandboys.

Why she is doing this... because it's the right thing to do and bigger than that.. because she loves her daughter to much... so very much. Her daughter loves drugs.

Love is a big powerful word, but it does not reach addicts.

Hi All,

Sorry I have been MIA.. been working non stop..like 50 hours a week. But I feel the need for some support and I know that's a lot to ask for in this area. Here is the update. End of Oct. we got a phone call from the woman from the Sober Living home where my daughter finally went back to. She said she was in the hospital..not for using, but my daughter had been raped. She was selling an ipod she had stolen and the situation got out of control. ( however, I might believe this perp, she wanted drugs). I flew down to FL and got her the next day and brought her home. The guy had just gotten out of jail that morning and is a career criminal. We jumped with both feet to get her into help, rape advocacy woman, girls group, etc. She was so grateful and thankful, got a job at Starbucks, we were getting her lience.. etc.

This past week I knew things were up. I asked to meet her new friends when they came to get her and she said she was setting her boundaries and acting like a normal 18 year old girl and was not going to bring her friends into meet me. That was Friday night. We did not hear from til Sunday at 3:30 pm. She came home and said she was thinking of moving out in the next few weeks. We said fine, but, do this drug test and if it's positive, you will be moving out in 20 minutes.

She failed the test. She took 1 bag of clothes and called her old b/f to come get her. Around 6:30pm it was the police. They arrested her and her b/f for trying to write bad checks at a check cashing place. They also found my husbands credit card in his back pocket. They asked if we wanted to press charges, we said yes. For some reason she did not get out today. She has called my husband and is shocked we are pressing charges and she can't come back to our home. She said all I want to do is heroin til she dies. She will not do anymore rehabs, she will not go get psych help. As soon as they release her tomorrow she is going to score and try and kill herself.

I am numb and I feel like I should act on this and try to reach someone who can help her save her life.

This is or shall I say was my beautiful daughter that I had such hopes for. I am not doing well. I actually thought I would give her the heroin and let her do it so she can find peace..she is so tormented on this earth.

11-23-09

We have offered her rehab today on the phone and she said F you. She said you want to go to another rehab and do all that talking, just to talk, because I do not want to walk the walk, I want to use.
We can not afford another rehab..it would be her 4th one, in addition to therapy school for 9 months.
There are no beds open in the area for the more public ones. I am afraid this time we can not help her.

I can not meet her when she gets out of jail...I actually have for the debt she has caused us and my husband has a huge meeting tomorrow out of town.. I am afraid this time we can not help. We need to move on and not have every day be about her, we need to start paying off the flights, the attorneys, the therapists.

Even if I had the time and money.. I honestly don't want to see her... I am afraid if she started begging I would let her back in or I would take her to get dope, which I never I did before , but maybe this is her journey and she is miserable and so tormented. She is dealing with PTDS and I think it's a mountain to high for her climb.

She is 18 and I can't drag her to rehab. Like I said, we can't afford one and they are all full here. Psych wards will keep her 72 hours and she knows that talk and those beds are full .. so hopefully they will give her a name of a shelter or she will call her friends and I will get a call she is gone. She has no money, no phone, no clothes ( they were taken by the police)..and this isn't her rock bottom, she is still saying F you


11-24-09

Thanks Everyone! Where it stands now... there are still no beds anywhere. My husband has been working all day on this. I have decided to let go and not rack my brain for options. He is currently picking her up at the woman's work house ( jail place ). She is begging for help and saying she is in detox bad and really wants help. Sad thing is, I don't believe her. My husband could not let her just walk out of there without any money, phone, or anything. Oh by the way, the shelters are full. So there is a place in NC that is a 2 year program and the first year is free. I told him he could offer that and they will take her in 24 hours. Otherwise he can drop her off at her dealers/ b/f's house and I want nothing more to do with this.

And you all are right... I have to take of myself, having her around is not taking care of myself. My Mom asked me today.. How will you ever find happiness again? You are my daughter and I love you and I am so sad that you are loosing so much of your wonderful self. I have been patient, I have been supporting, I have done tough love, I have given and I have taken and now I can not do it anymore. I also told my husband if he continues this, he will have to leave for good. He wanted me to call her b/f and my daughters stuff out of his car. I said no. I didn't want her take the stuff in the first, she needs to be stripped to the clothes on her back. If you continue to enable, I will officially loose my mind, so you need to decide if you can let go of her and only pray for her and for us to heal. If you can't, you will have leave. He said he did not like leaving with no options. I said she left her self with no options. He feels its not her fault the places are full or we don't have the money for the good ones. I feel it is the nature of the beast and it's time for her to take over the beast not us.

My daughters best friend is home this week from rehab , he has been gone 20 months. We were all suppose to have this great celebration. I went to see him... because I had to... but I told him I can't express my happiness for you because of how I am feeling about Emily...I said I am not jealous... but I am not being fair to you...giving you my all. He said he understood and still wants to talk to her. I told him at this point silence might be stronger.. He got choked up and it's weighing heavily on his mind, and I don't want to cause his fragle state any disruption. His first home visit should be joyous.

I also want to thank you all here! You can't know how your words and support mean to me. I believe it is keeping me sane right now. I have become friends with my daughters therapist. She is texting all the time.. how are things? Are you ok? She said to me she felt like she stalking me, but F Emily and I am here for you... anytime. Working so much keeps my mind busy. I work with MRDD clients.. sometimes I wonder if it's any easier at work... but it helps. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS and ALL YOUR SUPPORT
Kelly


11-25-09

I thank god every day she does not have kids. She has never been interested in kids and does take her birth control, seems it's the only thing in her life she has consistantly kept up on. The idea of kids/grandkids like your situation would probably honestly put me in the ground. And our "system" says it for kids, but becomes so much red tape without very many good options unfortunately.

Well my husband picked her up. He gave her a list of names and places that were willing to talk to her. He said she can home only, if she picks the 2 year program in NC, so she can do their application and 5 page paper and we would have her on a plane in 24 hours. She decided to go to someones house. We do not know the neighborhood or the person. A Mom answered the door with a baby in her arms and in went my daughter. My husband did give her a 5.00 phone card. She said she would think about it. And I believe she was begging for rehab because it was easier than jail at that moment. Now if we will know if she is serious if she calls these people and asks us for a ride to one of them. It is called Recovery Ventures Corporation in NC. One of the therapist in our area recommended it.

I did tell my husband to tell her, I will not see or speak to her until she wants help..but I find myself wondering how she is? If I did get to talk to her, could I make a difference. What is she wearing, what is she eating? Is she shooting up and going to OD?..can I stop it? That she is a very sick girl mentally and emotionally, going thru PTSD and should I be helping? I think I can only move on if there is closure..be it a rehab or death..it's the inbetween that is killing me slowly. Today, it doesn't feel like I can even do one foot in front of the other...but I am gonna try.. I have a son that wants Thanksgiving and has a day off. I have a boat load of work to do and don't want to do it. Then I get mad because her actions cause this in me..and I know thats wrong.
THANKS EVERYONE! Happy Thanksgiving! K


11-29-09

I guess just knowing that I or our family is not alone in all this.

One of the younger boys in AA went into our local Starbucks after a meeting and saw Emily. She was working. He said she looks bad and pretty sad, looking at the ground. He told her ..you have my number, call anytime and she said my parents took my phone. In his mind thought "GOOD"! He told us the mgr of Starbucks is great girl, has been thru some stuff in her life and gave Emily a 2nd chance, but that's it.

Some of her "good" friends have found out she is living with her dealer b/f. I am assuming they are living at his parents house, less than 2 miles from us. He doesn't have a job or life..so I am sure he is taking her to work and taking her paycheck. He has texted me saying what horrible parents we are for throwing our daughter to the streets. In the heat of the moment I told him, I blame his parents for not getting him help a long time ago and letting 2 addicts live with them. It made me feel better.

I spent Thanksgiving cleaning her room. I got rid of all the clothes she left, they remind me of her worst days. It's sparkling clean and now feels good to enter that room. We had dessert with her best friend and family that was in for his first home visit. He is doing great. There were a few red flags during his visit, but, luckily his Mom and I have each other and she knows she can vent to me , as I have been there , done that. We are not 100% sure those 2 didn't see each other.

My son came to me tonight, his Ipod is missing. I told him he could text her b/f. He said no, he will just pay a visit to Starbucks himself and take care of it. I also found 2 bottles of my pills gone. So we are still trying to move on. It's almost as if her name is a bad word around here. I hate for it be like this, but, we are in "protect " ourselves mode around here.

Thanks again everyone! Have a great Monday.. one foot in front of the other, that will be my Monday.
Kelly


12-02-09

I am slowing reading thru your thread.. breaks my heart over again.. but so nice to see you making such progress in healing! I hope to follow in your footsteps!


The drama continues here... The Det. came over last night, gave us our credit cards and stuff back. I think we taught him something. He had an "attitude" about where we live, kept making comments. I believe when he left here, he knew we were a family in pain and could be from anywhere or any part of the city.

Wasn't 15 minutes after he left. Emily called asking for more clothes, her winter coats, electric guitar and money. We said no. We told her she better make her court date. She was told her by b/f ..all she had to do was fill out a bunch of paperwork.. we said oh no... Then 10 minutes later the Det called again saying her b/f had called him for advice. He laughted at him and said, I only give the victums advice.. criminals should pay the price.

So we are holding strong. My husband decided if my daughter meets him at a meeting , after the meeting he will give her , her winter coats.

VALENTINES DAY - 2010

FAST FORWARD: TODAY

I have not spoken my daughter too much since she has been in this current rehab. I sent her a heartfelt letter with my husband last weekend when he went to see her on Family Day. In it, I explained I am tired of spending my weekends at rehabs for her. That it is important that I spend time my son, her brother. He is 16 and I don't want to leave him alone in the house... (girlfriend). And I don't him to think we both keep dropping everything to run to her. I also told her, she is an adult now, I do not want to involved with her process of learning to make her own adult decisions. So in reality, I don't want to blamed for anymore decisions made for her benefit.

The phone at the rehab house has been down due to snow. For like 5 days!

We tried the actual rehab today and they found her and we got talk.

She sounds good... real good. She is thankful she is learning about her "disease". She believes if she relapses she will die. Each relapse has been worst then past one. She is thankful she does not have children ( me too!). She is humbled at this rehab.. it's not luxery, like the ones in the past... it's not full of people with money. It has a higher rate of success. She wants to be one of them. She believes she can go to school ( college ) if she tries. She is finding the Spiritual side of her life. She is happy she is young and has to be all she can be.

Now, all these things, I have told her many times over... I understand it takes someone other than "Mom" to reach her. I found her repeating things I have said or believe myself...

HOWEVER, I am finding it hard to believe. I feel I have been burned so many times, what makes this one different? Except to say, I have not invested myself in this one. I have moved on and I am trying to find my balance.. I am trying to make sure I am healthy, my needs are taken care of first. I WANT TO BELIEVE HER SO BAD.. but I AM AFRAID!

So for now.. I will find the peace that she is still there , safe and sober.
Happy Valentines Day my lovely daughter.

9/13/09

This helped alot! When your daughter IS seriously ready to stop she will need her Mom strong. Do all you can to make YOURSELF strong.

Many people tell me how strong I am .. schools have asked me to speak. Professionals have asked me to share with other parents.

Besides having an "out of control" teen daughter, my husband had 2 retnia detaches in his eyes. He went thru over 10 surgeries, recovered on the couch for at least 4 months. Wasn't easy then because he was an enabler to her.. so he was calling the shots from the couch.

At the same time my brother was dying of Hep C. He was in the army in the early 80's and a medic..when there were no safety measures or it came from a tatto he got in Germany, again when there were no hygene rules. I offered to be a living donor... but his hep c was so bad..it would have attact my partial to him too quickly. He was lucky and got a liver transplant at the Cleveland Clinic a year ago in April. I am happy to report, he is doing well now.. however the Hep C is in the new liver and he will undergo Interferon.. but he is healthy enough to do this now.

So I know how to be strong.. I know what it takes.. and I just wonder if I have it in me to it again. I think I am kinda tired of being strong. If that makes sense... I just wanna save my daughters life. I guess if that means.. if it's one step at a time at the grocery store.. that's what it means.. I will do it again.

Thank you so much! Kelly

9/12/10

In response from my post:

These words hit home:

I would lose mine as well and the decision I made then was that I was not willing for drugs to take us both

Again, I feel, easier said than done... I am just "going thru the motions" of living. I went to the grocery store today, simple task I have been doing most of my life... but I had no feeling, I couldn't tell you what I needed, what I bought..usually, I like to cook , cook with love for family... but I feel like something is invading me as well and I have to stop that.

We were in contact with her last weekend, thru this week when I turned her phone off on Wed. I know deep in my heart, she can find her contact in Delray and she can find a way to get a hold of us..if she so desires. We have not given her money since April..all she did , she paid for with her trust. I did provide gift certs as well, but I can't even do that now..because I do not know where she is. We did tell her not to contact us until she was ready to take her soberity seriously. I did text her boyfriend last night and told him to tell her we love her very much and hope she is ok. He texted right back and said she loves you too and she is ok.

I know she is ashamed and feels horrible.. but I feel like we have done the right thing all along, consistant... we tell her, ok you relapsed, that's in the past now.. let's come up with plan for the next hour, next day.. we forgive you, we understand, we love you.

Then I get a vision of my baby, shooting poison in her arm, foot, etc.. and thinking this is it for her, this is the only thing that will make her happy in life..and our love is not powerful enough against this horrid drug. Evil beat down an entire loving family. We can get back up.. but we will never get all the way up. Enjoying life is not the same with part of us missing.

She did ask us last week if she could come home. We said no, and I thought that was hard... at least I knew where she was then.

Thank you for your kind words.. I will have to keep remembering this.. it can't take us all down, because it has been for a long time and it's not fair. Kelly

The Past

I also belong to an opiate-detox public forum board. It has been a very special place for me. I thought I should start here, where I started there. When I reached out to the unknown for help. This post was dated : Sept 12.2009

Hi All, My contact from a Sober Living Program in FL suggested I come to this forum for support. However, after reading here last night, I found myself more upset, feeling so bad for so many people.

This is another a reason I do not attend Al-Anon here.. I can not take too many horrible stories.. I need to move on, but easier said than done.

My daughter started using misc drugs at 14. It caused many problems with my marriage, family, etc.. I have that mother's instinct.. I knew I could not keep her safe. At 17 she was charged and my husband finally agreed.. we sent her to a theraputic boarding school at 8K a month.. drained our 401K savings. She came home for home visits, we thought they were going ok until the last one, we found hout she had been sneaking out the of house using with her old friends. She decided to check herself out of the school when she turned 18.

Long story short, she had a trust fund from my Mom for college coming. We luckily got her to sign the money over to us and we set her up in an Apt... she could not live with us, because she would not follow our contract for living here. 6 months rent was paid for her, etc. Within 3 weeks she was evicted.. partying, serving minors, noise, etc.

She then moved to a herion house. They had no electric, gas, windows,.. a friend of hers called me saying it was really bad..she is out of control. We got her to agree to come home, took her to the Hosp for detox.

She had an infection in her foot from a bad needle, if left untreated she would have been very sick. We then got her to agree to go to a rehab, Glenbeigh in OH. She completed the 30 day program. Then went to their 3/4 house on campus, completed that.

They said she is rehab/therapy savy, she can talk the talk, but needs to walk the walk.

She then agreed to go to Delray Beach, sober living Healing Properties. Last week she broke a rule, had a boy stay over and got kicked out. At one point she agreed to find another sober living home, but I believe she broke the rule to be where she is now.. holed up in a motel with a boy she met there doing herion. Healing Properties gave her one more chance, go to detox and we will find a bed for you in a week or 2..but she never took them up on that.

She was also beat up by a Hatian Gang. .. I still don't know the real truth about that or her condition.

She is dual diagnosised.

We have told her clearly what we will support, that was sober living for 90 plus, meetings for 90 days, and continued therapy for her borderline personality disorder.. I guess that too much for her.. she is lazy by nature and tell you that, using is easier than doing the work.

We have turned her phone off, we have found out her bank account is closed. I believe she will be hitting her rock bottom hard.. and it may result in death..

and I know you will tell me, God or a Higher Power is in the room with her, as well as with me. I have prayer groups, I have myself and others doing Reiki, I have a crystal chart for her..
but I think it's time to switch it to me, I know I need to take care of myself. I have lost 80 pounds since March.

We have installed an alarm system, glass block windows, to keep her out and her fellow addict friends that might need something to sell.

I have learned all I can about addiction, I have put myself in her shoes, I have enable when I felt it was for the greater good, I have shut her out til she is sober.

Her words to me, Mom, I am done digging to my rock bottom, it's too stressful, were just that.. words.

My gut is telling me, if I don't go down there and find her, she will be dead this time and I am not ready to loose my daughter.

I have emailed Intervetion, the TV show, I have emailed Dr. Phil. I found her b/f Mother on line in NJ.. I can be very resouceful..due to my love for her.

When does it end?

When can we have peace?

When do the crisis calls stop?

When do the sleepless nights end?

She is only 18 and equal to a 12 year old in maturity..she is fighting a battle that is stronger than her and smarter than her... I know I can't make her ....