The Delicate BALANCE

The Grass is ALWAYS Greener

2012-03-04T13:31:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was going to post the most recent letter I got from Emily, but I ran out of time. Funny how things work... No sooner than I had sat down to type the letter in Word, my phone rang, it was the area code of the city Emily is in. It was not a number I recognized.. you all know THAT feeling!

It was Emily. She has changed programs. She left the other one at 8 am and was calling me at 3pm. No one from the first program bothered to call me, even though I requested , in writing , to be notified. At this point, still no word from them. I was a bit put off by this. I told her I had just gotten her letter and she said, well my letters are lies, they tell me what to write. I said so all that nice stuff, the common sense context are lies? She said well, not exactly, but I couldn't tell you how bad it was. I was being yelled at ALL the time. I said well maybe you need to be yelled at? I was not backing down, I have learned, it's usually not the program, it's usually her or her perception of a program or person. I stressed the grass is not always greener. We will only support a completed long term program for you. Yadda Yadda.

Her points were: I am an adult, I can make my own decisions ( haven't we all heard this before too?). I am almost 5 months clean. This new program is 2 years also. It will provide meetings daily and group, which I was not getting from the other program. I am not asking you for anything. It is run by the woman who help start the other program I was in.

I congratulated her on the 5 months. I said you are always looking for the easier way out. If you had let the first program break you and rebuild you, I believe you might have a chance. I reminded her she is still in PAWS, this is a critical time for her recovery, as she starts to get in trouble, sabotage her recovery around now. And, at some point, she has to quit going around the programs and go directly in the middle to get to the root of the problem and recover.

Needless to say my husband was NOT happy. I had to call and tell him. He had a whole list of what we were not doing for her. Basically cutting her off til she graduates a long term program. He has since softened abit.

I slept on it for 24 hours. Then I called the new program. I will tell you what.. as soon as the girl told me, " I just love little Emmy, I wanna pinch her cheeks and hug her to death", I got a red flag. My daughter the actress is back.. she will say, act, do , whatever she has to in a situation, in this case it was to get herself in the program. Then the girl told me, Emily's intake took so long, she decided to take Emily on her errands with her around town. Oh great, now Em thinks she is special.

These are my red flags, because I know my daughter like the back of my hand.

I understand fully and gratefully, it could be worst. That number she called from, could have been a jail, a cell phone of some loser, etc. And each day she is clean is a blessing.. I know all this.. as I have done my work and I have walked this path before. I am not saying I am not grateful. I am just saying, I see red flags again. I listen to my gut, it hasn't failed me yet. ( unfortunately).

The girl did explain the rules are basically the same, only softer. Instead of working 12 to 20 hours a day, they work 6 to 8 hours and include meetings and group. I asked if the meetings were "in house" or out in the town. She said the town. Another red flag. Emily is known for meeting and taking off with some guy from rehabs, meetings, etc. The girl said, well she can't even look at or talk to a guy. I laughed... I said you have met the pro at passing notes, getting the word out if she interested. But, here is where my work has to play into everything, I have to accept whatever she does, weather I agree with it or not and let it go. I just told her, my daughter thrives in strict environments, as much as she rebels against them, it is where she makes the most progress.

She said in this program if they get in trouble, they will put on "move", but there will be a beginning and an end. So if she caught using a phone on the job, her move will be 1 week, where as at the other place, you could be on your 6th move and not even remember the first reason you got in trouble, no beginning and no end.

I asked if she knew if Emily left because she got in trouble, or did she get kicked out, or did she leave on her own accord. She said on her own accord. She said she packed all her stuff up the night before. Nobody said anything to her then. She announced at breakfast at 7 am she was leaving, nobody said anything and by 8 am she was across the street with us.

I had put an opened ended credit card at a Walmart for her to get glasses and or contact. Her contacts are from 12/10 and they are 2 week disposal ones.. If you remember last year, we got her this for her birthday, but she never went back to pick up the contacts, as she was running from the law with 6 felony warrants out for her. I was working with the other program on getting her an eye appt. This new place has picked up the ball and will be taking her to get that.

She will be give credit for time served at the other place. She has to complete their 30 day , no contact and then if she isn't in trouble , we , she, can pick back up where we left off. We can send any amount of birthday gifts and stuff to her at any time.

There are some things that hit me. I am not into numbers or dates too much. But this girl, whose name is Kelly too, said, this is Emily's 9th program and she isn't 21 yet! I said I know, and maybe the 9th will be the charm, as she has the number 9 tattooed on her hairline, for her life number. She asked when Emily was turning 21. I said April 12th. She said.. oh wow, that is the anniversary date for this program, we are having a big celebration. Maybe those things will work for us/her this time?? I know, I am reaching for straws!

They called me with an update on Friday. Emily is doing "ok". Said she is stepping up and taking a big initiative in the house with work and group, showing leadership.

So it is more contact than I had with the other place. I am still not sure the grass is greener, at some point, it has to come down to doing the work, not avoiding it.

But, for today, as far as I know, she is clean.

First Letter

2012-02-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

We got a letter from Emily. It was dated Jan, 22, 2011, but postmark is Feb 7, 2011. But, I wanted to share! What scares me is, and I am being totally honest here, is, it's every addicts dream letter. So I wonder how "real" it is.. isn't that sad I think that way?? My friend read it and she said, who cares if staged or they give her an outline, she is learning the right way to do things and that's not a bad thing... I had to agree. Here it is, misspellings and all.

1-22-2012

DEAR MOM & DAD,

If you are receiving this letter that means I am finally in acclaimation and can call you ass soon as I receive a letter in response to this one from you! How are you?!! How is Andy? How is Lucy? Man, I miss guys a lot! I just got off “the move” a couple of days ago. I did 60 days! It was one of the most difficult yet forfilling challenges I ‘ve ever faced in recovery and the feeling of accomplishment, growth , pride and strength in completing all that “the move” time has made my recovery even more important to me. I feel like I can accept and pull through anything this program throws at me now. Almost all the girls that I came into this program with are gone now. Out of 8 of us transition girls, 2 are left and 1 is me! Today I woke up at 9 am and had a day off for the first time in 2 months.. and my leader had made me a cinnabun with a note that said “ I love you Eminemily!” on it. My other leader is working on getting a guitar donated for me to play. I feel like I have people who care about me here. I have real friends who want to see me succeed, but still care more about my life than mny feelings. I feel accepted , good qualities and character defects. I laugh here ALL the time, but I do cry a lot too. I have so much gratitude as well.

Speaking of, mom, remember when you used to ask us to do the Gratitude Notebook at the dinner table, and we all complained?? Now I see you were just trying to teach us gratitude. Mom and Dad, I am so sorry. You guys gave a great childhood, vacations, the Beck Center classes, being room mom, coaching, lessons on anything I was interested in, camp. Trips. I am blessed to have such loving parents and I took all that for granted. I think I had to lose everything to appreciate anything and I had to lose everything to grow up to recognize how much you guys did for me. Dad, I remember you singing my Sugar Mountain as one of my favorite childhood memories. The guilt I feel for what I put my family through eats me alive, but hey are helping me learn to forgive myself here. I hope you all can one day forgive me as well. I would like to have the opportunity to be the daughter and sister I once was so long ago and hopefully even more! I am growing up here. I am getting thicker skin, I am becoming more determined, and learning I cannot feel happy all the time, there will be moments of pain, of joy and just as many moments of pain, and being content is being ok with it all. Accepting any emotion and realizing it is not permament. Acceptance is a great state of mind.

I am learning how to play the keyboard. And, me and another Ohio girl are starting a band. There is no guitar here so I just started messing around on the keyboard. By my 3rd day, we had an original song, harmony and all written! We had 2 names for our band, we were debating on …. “Sometimes Slowly” or “Fatally Hip”. We chose “Fatally Hip”.

It hasn’t snowed here yet. It is 2012 though, so I am pretty sure that means the world is going to end. How is my brother? Due/ miss , Andy a lot! Tell him I say Hey and that I love him. I hope he is enjoying school and what-not. Oh, by the way, they have approved me to get my license! Can you even believe it??!! This is a big accomplishement! I think.. I am very excited. Anyway, please write back ASAP. Oh by the way, Happy Birthday Dad! I hope you got my card. Love you guys! I can’t wait to see you this Spring!

Love you!

Hearts! Emily

"FREE" Rehabs

2012-02-03T21:46:00.000-08:00

I know Anna, has asked for the name of the program my daughter is in currently. ( Anna, I did leave you a comment on my last blog post). I thought I would share my list and what I little I know about each program. I am not a counselor, I am not a doctor, I do not endorse any specific program. I have acquired this list thru many different people, counselors, or my own research. How quickly us parents of addicts run out of money! Meanwhile our children still need help or guidance or programs that don't cost an arm and leg. This is what I have found:

Oh, I should note, I have not gone to any of these sites in months, so I am not sure the website is still correct. You can run a Google search and see if they are still in business.

SanParignano.org - This is in Italy. It is a 4 to 5 year program. I have spoken to them on the phone, seems like a good program and was on the "list" for us.

delanceystreetfoundation.org - I believe this in San Fran, CA. I know Emily did call them and was accepted. I just know that city might have made her habit worst if she chose not to stay in the program.

pathways-ky.org - I believe this program might be nationwide. I know there is another one in Charlotte, NC. They also offer IOP as well. It did not help us, but it's not say it would not help someone else who is serious about recovery.

libertycenterconnections.org - This is in Ohio, has a male and female program. I do believe they need to be detoxed. Emily did this program, never completed it, but I thought it was very good. They did EMDR on her and I highly recommend it for anyone experiencing trauma or PTSD. If this link doesn't work, search Steps at Liberty + Wooster Ohio

recoveryconnectionscommunity.com ( or run a search for recovery connections + NC). This is a longer term program. All the ones in NC are run pretty similar. Self sufficient, meaning the clients do the work to keep it up an running. I am not sure if this is coed or just for females. It is a "newer" one there. Do not expect counseling or anything additional

recoveryventurescorp.org ( or run a search for recovery ventures + NC). This is longer term, coed, same as above.

firstinc.org ( or run a search for first + recovery + NC). Don't quote me, but I believe they are merging with recovery ventures. It was for males only, but I believe they are now taking women and maybe women with children. It is a 1 to 2 year program and probably the easiest of the above 2.

thamkrabok-monastery.org - This is more along a monk run facility. They are free, but do take donations. I got the name of this place from someone who went thru the program. They have been clean for a long time and said this program saved their lives. We researched it, it was a consideration, what changed our mind was on the website, it says " We want warriors, not victims". At the time, we did not feel Emily had shed the victim role and we would be wasting time and airfare.

Not free, but reasonable, for women only, sober living is Jennifers Gate. Run a search Jennifers Gate + Ohio. Truely a wonderful program built on the right intentions.

Not free, but worth it as far as therapy. EMDR. Run a search on it. I highly recommend it for anyone suffering from trauma, PTSD, etc. Vets, war victims, etc would benefit.

We have not done, but I plan to do : www.clearyourmind.org It was highly recommended to me for myself and Emily. The main place on the east coast of FL I believe, but many states have qualified people to do it. I suggest reading the stories or testimonials. I may not do this, but I will take Emily do it after she completes her program.

That's all I have, if I hear of more reasonable programs, I will be glad to share. Again, I am not a professional, but just a mom doing research. I can't be responsible for anyone elses experiences or encounters. I don't endorse any program over another. At some point, we have or had considered all of these.

Reasons To Exhale

2012-02-03T12:43:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I do feel like I am holding my breath and I don't even know it. Maybe it's called stress? I don't know. But, I do know I feel l was able to exhale in the past 24 hours. It's not filling me with "energy", but it's allowing my mind to wander in other places and plan for me. Hard to explain.

But, here is what has happened.

Last week, I had emailed the program Emily is in and asked if she call her Dad for his birthday. I explained, normally I would never ask, his birthdays come and go and we don't make a big deal about it. But, it's the big 6-0! And it's the first year no kids are around. Of course I never heard anything from them. But, when my husband came home, he said you are gonna be jealous... I got a call from Emily! I wasn't and I am not jealous.. I was happy! ( I am jealous about something, but not that, and it's for another post). He said she has moved to the next phase. She can write us when she gets a letter from us. Incidental, as he walked in , I was writing her a letter. She filled out an application for getting her license and it was approved, so within 2 weeks, she will have her license for the first time ever. They have moved her into another place where she now has access to a guitar and keyboard. She said she is really happy for the first time in her life. She has a goal and that's to graduate this program. He said you could hear "self esteem" in her. She said to put our minds at ease, she has no plans to leave the program. She wants to get the most out of it she can. She said she can even laugh at herself when she remembers she thought and said she was "terminally unique". She said she just wants to be the average Joe, contributing to society and keeping her disease in check all the time. That's is weird to to feel relief and feel good after putting in a hard days work over chasing drugs. She said this program is working for me! He said she sounded so happy, upbeat, asked over and over about me and her brother. She said her hair grew out and they let her get a hair cut and it's her normal color now and she doesn't plan hiding behind a box hair color. So I am assuming we will get to hear from her more. Which will be good for our healing too.

Then my son called my husband. To wish him a Happy Birthday. He also said to my husband "I love you". Now Emily always, no matter what condition she is in, if we talk, she says I love you. Sometimes to the point, it got to be just words to me. But, my son, well, he will say it to me on the phone, but it's in a mumble form. But he doesn't say it to his Dad. So my husband was so happy about that!

It was then time to leave for our dinner. When I made the reservations, I told the GM, I don't care what happens, but I want the check. So we got there and they said 2 of your guests are already here, in the bar. The GM said, the gentleman as already requested the check. I said, exactly why I told you I before hand I want the check. So I just gave them my cc right then. My husband had invited another couple, a guy from his band and his wife. I wasn't sure how it all would go, could be awkward or conversation would flow. Yes, I worry about stuff like that. Well it all flowed and we were there for 4 hours! The check came, it was already put on my cc. Yes, I had to inhale for a minute seeing the total. I have been at those kinds of dinners, but for business where, I didn't get the check. The couple from my husband's work are the CEO and CFO of the company. They are in a different league than us financially. They were insisting they wanted to pay. I said listen, I invited you for his birthday. If I had a party for him, it would have been a lot more. You have picked up so many dinner tabs, invited us to so many social things, tickets for stuff, and the use of your condo in for 500.00 a week when you could have gotten at least double for it. So to take you dinner for a celebration for my husband's birthday, is my pleasure. You might think I am making a deal about this, but you have to know them, to pull this off, was not an easy feat and it made me feel good.

I had 2 real goals for his birthday, for him to talk to Emily and for me put on this dinner with his friends... and both happened.

My husband said it was best birthday in a long time and felt very fortunate and lucky. It's been a long time since we have been able to feel that way or think that way.

I do know what a lot of you are thinking... with addicts, especially "rock bottom" addicts like Emily, we better not get too excited. Let me be first to say, I agree! I am not typing this with huge excitement in my tone. But, I am able to exhale completely for a minute, because she is still there. I heard my husband telling my Mom on the phone about his conversation with Emily... I KNEW what she was thinking... you are getting so excited and 3 months from now, she could be gone and she "tricked" you again and this time you are older and the fall will be harder. How many times are you gonna let this girl do this to you. But, her interests are me.. and maybe my husband... she has made that clear. She worries about me, she is my mother. I will also say, I have not heard these words from Emily ever before. She did not act like a victim, she did not ask for anything, she did not blame anyone. She did not beg to leave. So I can exhale, I will not do the happy dance thou.. Not sure I ever will with this disease, I might for something else, but not this.

My husband is different than me. He has a lot reasons to be ( again, another post). When we were driving home from dinner, he said, well I might be working til I am 80, because Emily might want to go to college in a year or two. I did not say, a long time ago, when we paid for the therapy school, and every other rehab, we reminded her, this was her college money, if she wanted college, she would have to figure it out. The financial support from us is/was gone. I just looked at him and said, we will cross that bridge when we come to it, but she might have a best seller in her journals or a cd in the works, and her path just might not be college or what you feel would be the best for her. I also didn't say... One Day At Time. Because, I know he was just "excited" or I hope he was.

But I have exhaled and slept and had a nice day today.

60 and Some New

2012-02-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

This will be a double post. Tomorrow my husband will be 60. I can only imagine how he feels. I personally have not hit 50, but I plan on doing that on a beach somewhere with beach boy bringing me drinks with umbrella's, so it will might make it easier for me. My husband is more practical than I am in this area. At 40, I insisted he whisk me away to FLA so I could not be at our next door neighbors annual Labor Day party and hear all the "old age" jokes from my friends.. that's how bad I get!
My Mom recently turned 70. She sent him a nice watercolor card she made. She wished him a Happy Birthday, included a nice birthday gift and her last sentence said to enjoy the next 10 years, because turning 70 was actually hell. Lovely! My husband laughed, knowing my Mom, but he also started making his bucket list!

I told him flat out, I did not have any party planned. He doesn't drink, not that it matters, but I didn't want people to feel "weird" and he's not a party person. I did not plan a trip, but I did ask about it. We thought about a long weekend in NYC or Chicago, but at the time of our discussion, it was kinda cold and who wants to go those fun cities and freeze... little did we know it's be Spring - Like weather now. We decided we would save that money for a nice Spring Break beach trip.

He said just a nice dinner out with my family. Well dear, it's a Thursday's night and your "family" is me. I am it. One is away in college and the other is away in a program. I did call my son and see if he could come. He can't , he has 2 exams on Thursday and Friday. I did email the program and ask if Emily can call to just say Happy Birthday, no response. So I invited a couple from his work ( the CEO and CFO) and he invited a guy from his band and his wife ( will know her name when I meet her). And I made reservations at Hyde Park.

Normally, I would have had something BIG planned. When he was 50, I gave him a trip to Key West and knew when he got that, he wouldn't expect a big surprise party, which I also pulled off. But, I am gonna tell you something, addiction sucks the planning out of me. I feel like I have been planning interventions, working with rehabs for beds, gathering things for the lists of stuff they need at any given place and I am all planned out! I feel like with addiction, you have to have A-Z back up plans. It's worn me out! So I am sticking to my plan of dinner and a little trip later in the year. That's a plan isn't it? For some reason, I don't feel like it is, but I guess "it is what it is".

Now on the good news. And personally, I am not close to 60 yet, but, I would consider this a good "gift" and I believe my husband does too. I had him call the place where Emily is now. We haven't heard anything in awhile. The first phase was suppose to be 45 to 60 days and we are well past 90 days and she is still the first phase. So I was itching to know what's up. This is taken from the text my husband sent me after he spoke to the woman in charge of Emily.

She is ok. Just finished "restitution". Suzy says she has surrendered to "whatever, just tell me what to do". Suzy says she should be able to write in 2 weeks. Says Emily is starting to change for the better. She also said Em has given no indication that she wants to leave or quit.

So I cling to those few sentences. I think it's a good birthday gift, don't you?

No Real Point of This Post

2012-01-26T11:53:00.000-08:00

There is no real point this post.. just because I am in a limbo stage. Do I turn this way or go that way or stay still?

There has been no word from Emily. Which I guess no new is good news. Except, as the program goes, she was able to send mail and receive mail within 45 to 60 days... except if she keeps getting in trouble, which must be the case, because it's been over 90 days. So my liberal, no rules daughter is still fighting the system. I say that, as I am inhaling, I can only exhale with it because she is still there.

I, personally am all over the board, which results in spinning my wheels accomplishing nothing. Yes, I am ADD, but a medicated one... so this spinning is bugging me.

For example, I have 2 new addictions. Pintrest and Houzz. They are exactly what I used to do with my little online "deco group" back in the 90's. There were 8 of us that met on an AOL decorating board and broke off to form our little group. We posted links, project ideas, decorating tips to each other. We went as far to take actual photos of our before and after projects, take the film to the drug store to be developed and ran home to scan and upload them to each other. This little group motivated me! In fact I just found all the pictures of some my "projects".. including the mauve, burgundy, gold glazed ceiling I did in my kitchen in my old house. So I thought, great! Pintrest and Houzz will motivate me again! But, all I do is put things on my boards or ideabox. I sorta feel like I completed a project by doing that, but that's far from reality!

I do not "feel" good. I can't pinpoint it and I have a long list of excuses for it. Like I am not gonna tell my doctor, she will just want me to go on lexapro or something. Let's not forget it's the most depressing time of year, or at least it is in Ohio... that's a great excuse for me! My mood matches the weather! That's it! Hey at least I recognize I am in a funk!

So what do I do? I go buy Zumba for Wii. I will do that every morning! That lasted 2 weeks. My husband said, we should give up the club membership, nobody uses it. I said , let's use it together! Let's meet at lunch and workout! Ok, we have done that 3 whole times. I was out of town, then he's been out of town. God forbid, either us go without each other!

I keep hearing about the Wheatbelly diet. So I spent yesterday reading about it. I even got up, stepped away from the computer, got a box and my goal was to get rid of the wheat things in my pantry. Well, crap, I just went grocery shopping, I would be wasting all that money! Put the box away. So I thought, I will be good and make myself a Lean Cusine for lunch. A few bake potatoes bites, broccoli and cheese. Seems like that would fit the wheat belly diet. Wrong! In darken letters on the back, it says this product contains Milk and Wheat. My dinner when my husband is out of town is either toast or Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup.. that would be out! Boy, maybe this diet isn't for me after all. But, I will try to more conscious. I have not had a baked good, toast, bread or pasta for 2 whole days! That's progress isn't it?

Let's not get into my research on tryamine. I guess I would have to go RAW and I don't see that happening! I am all about connivance, but I don't have to be.. I am not working, I am not doing a house project. I could do it, but where is that motivation?

Speaking of not working. I was making necklaces. I sold well over 100. I am still selling them off and on. I certainly go on line an buy what I think I "need". The USP man comes almost daily with my little crystal packages. I go to the point of opening the package, putting them on my work desk, because if I put them away in the labeled containers I have, I will forget I have them and reorder them. I have a friend who knows owners of a few little shops that would love to sell my stuff and will buy them outright. She is just waiting for me to complete my inventory. She might be waiting awhile, I am just not motivated.

I watched the Anderson Show yesterday. I got mad! It was on parents calling the police on their teen child. Have any of these parents walked in my shoes, that said if you have to call the police to parent your own child you are a failure. I almost got the motivation to write a post on the Anderson site.. but I didn't. Last time I did that, the show called me to be on it. That's for another post on another day.

Oh, I look at Craigslist for job postings. I might go as far as sending an email, but never my resume. That would require commitment and I am not ready for that!

It's now almost 3pm, I am dressed. I have talked to my friend, whom I met on ODR, we talk daily. I have made dinner, I have done my researching for the day, I got my package from the UPS man. I made several phone calls, but let me tell you, we have gotten about 2 inches of rain, it's cold out and the dog has not even got out of her cage to out and do her business.. maybe I can't do anything today because I am waiting for her to get up? Good excuse as any!

I hoping I get a letter from Emily and I hope I quit spinning my wheels doing nothing soon!

Non-Addicts and Surgery

2012-01-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

My best friend from high school had back surgery two weeks ago. Since I have had 3 of them and I know pain, I offered to help her this week. I had to keep several things in mind. She did not choose to take my advice and get a 2nd opinion, so she got her back fused, there are 3 screws and a metal cage around her back now. I don't know, but my doctor told me that is a last resort for me. I was also about 15 years younger than we are now. And I told her my story of how God has a lesson .. I pushed myself too much after the first one and didn't listen to the doctor, I felt better, pain free, so that gave me a license to go back to my normal life, of super mom.. the word No was not in my vocabulary.. so God said you didn't learn, let's do this again and again, til you 'get it'.

But, what really scared me for her and still does, the amount of meds she is on. Oxy's, perc's , muscle relaxers. The words she says , echos in my head. " I am taking as directed by my doctor". I realize the pain is high, I realize in today's world, there is no reason to be pain. But, I also realize how quickly a person can become dependent on them. And it scares the shit out of me! I realize the meds do her talking now. So if I question it, she says my doctor said I only have to be on them for 2 months. I am sure her doctor didn't tell her that is enough time to become dependent on them. I just told her, I am so sorry for your pain. Pain is a horrible cycle. But, I also want you to understand and have knowledge of what these meds do or can do to a person. I told her, let's talk in 2 months, but I can't go thru this my best friend from high school too. All I want is for you to be aware... just aware. I am not sure how "aware" a person can be on all those meds. I heard the "excuses", like the oxy's kill my pain, but don't make my head fuzzy. I am allowed to have 2 muscle relaxers and 2 perc's at the same time.

And all this scares me for her. Or for anyone who has to be put on a cocktail like this for pain. Our lives can change so quickly, and not for the better.

10 Things About Me

2012-01-10T12:01:00.000-08:00

I am copying from Anna's blog: Letgohangon. She has had pretty much one of the worst years of anyone I know and managed to find 7 great things about herself and keep going in a positive manner. And, it was a refreshing post compared to the subject of addiction. So, Thanks Anna, copying is the highest form of flattery .. right?

1. Most people think I am an "Ohio girl". I was born in KY and got my wedding dress in KY. I have lived in Exton, PA, Edina, MN, Fairview Park, OH twice. Rocky River , OH and Sylvania, OH.

2. I used to love big parties! Hosting them, going to them and participating in them. Now, I enjoy a quality time with a few friends. I tend to pass on the massive get-to-gethers anymore.

3. I love things like energy, crystals, polarity, reiki. I believe intentions are very important. I believe you get what you put out there. I believe the universe puts people in our lives at exactly the right time. I would not consider myself a religious person, but more a spiritual person.

4. I have a small family. My father and I never made amends while he was alive and I am ok with that. My mom married a man that I can not relate to, due to his own upbringing, we just don't gel and I wish we did. My brother is 18 months younger than me. He had a liver transplant about 4 years ago and is drinking. Again, I can not relate. It breaks my heart, I wish it wasn't like that. I love his kids, but his wife keeps us apart, maybe due to Emily? Maybe she thought I did a bad job? I don't know, but I wish that wasn't the case and I wish there were more siblings in my family.

5. I like to give more than receive. I never know what to say when someone "gives" to me. Like I don't deserve it or something. But giving fills my heart... and that does feel good. If I see something I know a friend will like, I will pick it up for them. I love making dinners for families in need. I love donating to the food pantry. I love just surprising somebody with something little that might make their day. If someone calls me for help or resource for addiction, I am there to help anytime.

6. This is hard for me to admit, but I am a reality tv junkie. I tell my husband that I am a "people person" so these interactions interest me. Weather it's Storage Wars, Intervention, Housewives, Jersey Shore.. it will be on my ddr.

7. I have a major fear of the dentist. I really don't like surgeries either or I will go a step farther, hospitals. I avoid them. I will be glad to make a dinner for someone after they have been there, but as far as me going to visit.. that's harder for me.

8. I think kids are funny... oh and smart! Their minds and bodies full wonder is so cool to me!

9. I am not very good at it, but I do love to do "crafty" things or create. I like to paint, bead, make stuff.

10. I have been "in charge" of many things. PTA, PTO, benefits, school fundraisers, boosters, etc and what I have learned is you can't do it all yourself and if you have a good group you can do amazing things.

70

2012-01-09T09:24:00.000-08:00

My Mom turned 70 today.

I did not get her anything. Not that I forgot it was her birthday. I did forget it was a big one. Or did I? Maybe even for me, 70 is big. It's in your face that you are on borrowed time.. and I don't want to think about it. I know it's just a number and you are only as young as feel, etc. But come on, let's get real, 70 is big, bodies don't work the same as they did when they were 30, 40, 50 or even 60.

I didn't even want to call her and wish her a Happy Birthday. Partly, because I knew how she was feeling about this. But I did call. And I told her, I am not even 50 and there is nothing I want or need and I know you feel the same, but I will get you something, just what I am not sure yet. Of course she was fine with it. She always says don't spend your money on me and I get that, because I say the same to my kids and I mean it. You can't take it with you.

But I did find out, she is going to lunch with girlfriends at this resort we stayed at last Christmas. So I called the resort and got an anti-aging facial for her and they will present it to her at lunch. Maybe it will make it feel better? Anything with words "anti-aging" has to be good .. right?

I don't want to go all sappy into what a great Mom she was. She knows it, I know it and I am very lucky in many ways with her and all her love and support and lucky to still have her around. The other gift I will give her, will be one she won't know about. I will answer the phone every time I see her number pop up. I will respond to her emails within 24 hours. I won't blow it off and think .."oh, it's just my Mom, I can get back to her".

So I am raising my glass to my Mom today! Happy Birthday Mom! You are the best! I feel loved and supported by you and that means more than anything to me! Cheers!
Oh... and many more!

Love you!

The Stories

2011-12-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, but sometimes the stories of addiction in families comes in floods for me.

I have, what I consider a good friend, whom I have not met in person, but on the ODR board. I have written about her in my Love blog. To state the facts. 1. She is raising her 2 grandsons. 2. Her son in law just graduated a 2 year program in a year. Can you say snake? 3. He is moving in with them this week. Let's just say this is not ideal for her, but her husband is behind it. 4. Her daughter walked down the mountain from the program Emily is in now. Her daughter has no teeth. Her daughter is depressed. Her daughter is in an extremely religious program now, as the court said she needs to complete a 2 year program. She is on a 10 day home pass. 5. The religious program has adopted 10 non-fixed dogs and asked for volunteers to take care of them over the break. Her husband volunteered to take 1. Nobody is walking the dog and it's making messes in house and she is finding she has to keep her own dog in a cage , away from the shelter dog. 6. Her husband is leaving today until the 4th to see his kids and grand kids in FL, leaving my friend with 2 adult semi - recovering addicts, 2 grand kids, and 2 dogs.

I am in touch with a father of a girl that actually hung out with and semi lived with Emily when she was in KY. Facts:
1. The dad and mom are raising 2 of the girls kids from 2 different fathers. 2. The girl had a 3 rd baby last night from yet a 3rd father. Here is what he sent me:

Her mother couldn't go for the same reasons. It's incredibly difficult to see her like that. She looks about 20 years older then she is, all skin and bones, teeth rotted. Kinda reminds me of the WW2 concentration camp victims. Still talking nonsense, like she can't see reality like everyone else does. It's heartbreaking

The Police called us this week. Facts are. 1. We will not get our money back from the check. 2. Ben and his parents lied to the police and told them Emily came to their house with that check, said I had written it out for "rent" for them. Since Ben and his parents lied and they can not reach Emily , case closed. Real facts: The check was stolen, written out by Emily , cashed by Ben and several hours later Emily over dosed.. check the date Mr and Mrs Ben's Parents. So sad, parents stoop to that level and engage in the addict deceit.

We got a 5 minute call from Emily on Christmas. She was shaky. Tired not to cry. I think they are told not to cry and they are told not to ruin the family's holiday. She loved her 2 gifts, in fact was wearing them already. She got tons and tons of gifts from the facility. Not sure why or how.. except to think they are donations and they have to get them off their "books" or "shelves". She said it's hard, very hard. I just told her she is doing great and to keep going and we will see her sometime around Easter. That we were proud of her and know it's hard, but the reward will be huge. She said she is in a talent show and that was something to look forward to. And she loved us all very much.

Everyone with this disease has a story. Some more tragic than others, but all have to work thru the process the best they can with the help and support they can get. For now, our story is on an even keel, who knows about tomorrow? Breath, just breath I keep reminding myself.

Holiday Cards

2011-12-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, we have heard nothing. Well, no, I take that back! We all three got seperate Christmas cards from Emily. I have to say, from the card choices, she thought about it. Mine was PEACE. Every year she would ask me, what I want for Christmas. I would say PEACE. What kind of peace she would ask me with her big wondering eyes as a young child. I would say, Inner Peace, Outter Peace, Family Peace, World Peace, Country Peace. Peace between you and your brother. There is all kinds of peace to want. So my card had the word PEACE cut out with a nice message: Falling softly all around you...
insert the word PEACE. Shinning gently deep within you. So I know she thought about what card to send each person.

There was a short , but tear jearking note. I also took note her handwriting was clear, good and there were not any misspelled words. It read:
I love you so much ! Thank you for ALL your love and support through this challenging part of my life! Can't wait to be a great daughter again. Love and Hugs, Emily

My husbands card read:
Thank you for putting music into my life! I can't wait to hear your band, sing with you and be a great daughter again. Hearts , Emily

My son's card read:
Andy-Baby ( our name for him)
I love and miss you. Hope you are doing well. Can't wait to see you and hear all about your new exciting life. I am proud of you. Heart ! Em

There were all post marked on the 18th. So we know she is still there.

Amazing how a simple little card can make my whole holiday. Where in the past the lack of even a homemade card had the ability to ruin my holdiay.

Thank You all for the Support! Times already Changed...

2011-12-16T12:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the Universe does have a lot of pull in the timing department! This week one of Emily's old friends stopped by. He and she were charged together in 08. They both "went away" right after that. He was 3 years clean last Aug!!! He was in from AZ, where he makes his new home now. This is him and his new beautiful girlfriend.

My phone was ringing... and I was like the phone can wait, I want to spend a quality 30 or 60 minutes with him.

I retrieved my message the next morning. 3 from Emily. Crying, choking, wishing I would pick up to help her, but knowing if anyone found she used the phone , she would be in big trouble. I am glad I did not pick up. For many reasons. I was just telling her friend how well she was doing and how she only asked about him and nobody else. She said she was thinking of leaving and the sleep deprivation was too much for her and would look up on line another program near there which is also long term and free.

Let me tell you, my heart ached for a few minutes, the Mother in me. Then I remembered she was an addict. Her mind works for her benefit only. So by us having a great visit with her, it opened the door for her to call me and want to move to yet another place, thinking it will be easier and it won't and she won't do the hard work she needs to do and moving to different places over and over again, isn't working. I remembered she is actress. She could win awards in that area. I remembered she is lier, manipulator. I remembered she is newly sober and things really don't change over a short amount of time, they change by working a program long term.. in for the long haul.

Several people asked me why I have not called the program to get details. Several reasons, I like that I am not active in her program.. it's hers, not mine. I need the break. I am sure this place is used to this and can handle it. And I don't wanna get her in more trouble... I know she will be caught and I know they will take care of it.

The only thing is, if she did leave or leaves, I would like to know. I know she is capable of doing it and in all honesty, more capable of doing that , than staying and doing the hard work. I hope they would call me if she left. Not that I could do anything, but it's not like she is around the corner and in a place she knows how to survive in.

So please continue to keep us/ her in your prayers and thoughts this Holiday Season. There is no gift that could ever replace the power of prayers to keep our children safe and healthy.

The Shift

2011-12-13T10:02:00.000-08:00

Well you can see she gained weight since I dropped her off at 88 pounds!

I titled this "The Shift", not The Change, because I am really not sure people really change THAT much. I think they shift. We had Family Day with Emily last Saturday. Just got back in town last night. All I can say is, I cried and cried and for once they were tears of joy!

When I took her down to the program, I am driving in the dark with newly detoxed girl, so I did what I could to get her there, I promised her if she graduated we would go dance on Jim Morrison's grave, she could have my ipod, heck, she could have my car... oh and you are still unsure, we will be there for the Christmas Family Day and if you don't like it, we will figure something else out... but please just give it 50 days!

Knowing she holds us to our word, we discussed how we would handle it if she did say, get me out of here. We had our plan, you have to with her or probably with any other addict. Plan A, Plan B and Plan C.

The first thing she said to me, was remember you said we'd talk about another place if I didn't like it here? Ut oh..here it comes I am thinking... she said well I hate it here! But, I need to hate it here. I want it. I know if I can this do , I can do anything and have a chance at a good life. She said it's the hardest thing she or anyone she knows has done and she is sorry it has come down to this and she blew all the cushy places she went to.

As their website says, it's the end of the road.. the only other options are death and jail. It's true. I would not recommend this place as a first time program. I would not recommend this to anyone that is not serious. I have my own believes and I do not believe sleep deprivation is beneficial to sanity, but she is doing it. There were a lot of red flags or things I have a hard time with, but it doesn't matter what I think. It matters that she gets clean and has a chance at life and wants this.

They do everything for a reason, but don't question their reason. Everything is some kind of test, even for us. Don't question it. I quickly learned not to worry about her, they will not let her die and they just might reach her in a way nobody else has been able to do.

The program was from noon to 5pm. We sat with a family that flew in from NJ. There were people from all over the country. At 3pm they rounded up the girls to leave and go work. Leaving their families that made a lot of arrangements and spent a lot of money to be there. They did not ask Emily to leave to go to work. I said, maybe you should volunteer to go? She said, she does sometimes, now is not the time. They came and got 2 of the 3 girls at our table and if they wanted her, they would have told her then. The founder came up to our table and spent about 10 minutes with us and said he believes in her, believes she wants this and they help her get it. Then they started a graduation ceremony. There were 11 graduates. Let's just say, I didn't think I had anymore tears left, but I did! We got to stay until 7pm with Emily. I don't know if it was a test, I don't know if she will "pay" for that or what.. but like I said, they do everything for a reason, so even I had to trust there was a lesson there for her... and us.

She is in trouble for somethings, so it will be awhile before we can communicate with her. They call it "on the move" Meaning even less sleep and more work. The last thing I said to her was, quit being on the move and stay still and listen for awhile so we can talk on the phone and write.

She has been there just over 50 days and it's her 8th program and it's the biggest shift in her that I have ever seen. My husband is hopeful. I can't go there, as I have been burned too many times with hope that never happens. I am more shocked... but a good shocked!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts. Keep them coming because it's a life long disease.

CONTROL

2011-12-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

There is reason I didn't become an addict. I was talking to friend I recently actually met from ODR (opiate-recovery board), and it became clear to me. In between my 2nd and 3rd back surgery, I was taking percocets or Oxycontin every 4 hours and actually told to enhance it with alcohol. If that doesn't set the ground work for a pill addict, I don't what does. She (my friend) felt I was just one of the "lucky" ones. I'd like think I differently. I like to feel in control. I couldn't wait for my 3rd my surgery to get off those meds.. sure hand me some Lexapro for awhile, because my life as I knew it changed, but get me off these pain pills. I walked out of the hosp. that night of my 3rd surgery and was off all pain pills within 4 days and don't remember experiencing any with drawls. But in my mind, the pills were for pain and and I was no longer in pain and gained my control back.

But control is a double edged sword. When addiction hits your child or any family member or any close friend, there is nothing you can control. It's hard to sit back and watch the addiction control your loved one. I still struggle with it a lot! Let go and trust.. Yea right! If I am not proactive for my children, what kind of mother am I? Talk about struggle... I guess luck was on my side.. I didn't reach for my old bottle of percocets to get me thru.

We had not heard a word from the place I dropped Emily off at in mid October. I had called, emailed, sent a letter.. and found their facebook page, where I politely asked how I could get a hold of someone with my "business" questions.. which was promptly deleted within 4 hours. I had no control. No way to get ahold of anyone. We finally got a generic letter about their "family day" Dec. 12th. They suggested we donate items to their program... that was my loop hole... I told my husband to call and find out what donations they are looking for ( since they are not responding to me). They called him back the next day.

Sure, I will donate some shampoo, toothbrushes, toothpaste, contact solution... but I got the information I wanted too, which was my goal.

The first night Emily was there, at dinner she broke down and cried. She was overwhelmed with the hot food , clean bed, showers. She thought she would be in a homeless shelter or on the street. The out of control levels a family stoops to , to get their child somewhere safe is actually uncontrollable... isn't it?

The woman my husband spoke to is 50 years old, she completed the program a year ago. She said Emily is their most extreme case of anyone her age. Due to her young age, she has lived the lifetime of an addict in such a short amount of time. Their program is the end of the road, which they state on their website.. the next step is jail or death.. and that's where my daughter is... obviously I had no control.

Besides the normal we hear about her, sweet sweet girl, bright, such potential. We heard a new word. Emily is grateful. I would never put Emily and grateful in the same sentence. If she were sober for 10 years, I still don't believe we would hear those 2 words together. ( made me think she is faking it, playing her game) We heard about her rebellion. She is struggling with the rules, all addicts do, you know they above the rules.. we know this too. But I was surprised again about what rule she was rebelling about, clothes. The woman said this is normal. It's a psychological thing. The girl addict's control. And the place's goal is to teach them, it isn't what's on the outside, it's what is on the inside. Emily never wore tight clothes, she never wore those shirts above her pant waist. She has no chest, so no tight shirts for her.. but that changed in the last year or so. I suppose dancing at clubs made her see her body in a different light or she knew if she dressed a certain way, she got what she wanted or needed at that time. And now that became a habit.

We asked if it was too soon to see her. We are afraid she will ask us to leave there. The woman said you would not have been invited unless we didn't feel Emily was ready. And if she asks us that, we are to find the woman and all 4 of us will work it out.

So my husband officially RSVP'd for he and I. She said I thought Emily's brother was invited. We said he was, but he is unwilling to come. She said that's ashame, but that's the consequences of our actions and we loose a lot.

And yet again, I have not control. I would love for our whole small family to go, as a family unit. But, my son is 18, an adult and he has his own journey with it and I have found if I try to control that, it back fires.

I know when I see Emily, how she feels and how she is doing and all I can control is my reaction, which might just be none. Sometimes no reaction is best, since I have no control.

OD to Kicked Out to Felony To Rehab To Shelter To HELP

2011-10-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

The Month of October has been crazy. The range of emotions were wild. I will just give a quick timeline to catch you up.

Last weekend in Sept I had my Mom here for her sorority reunion and OSU football game. I also had my son in town for the high school Homecoming. Let me set the scene, OSU is big 10. Beautiful weekend. Many alumni in town for the game. It's huge and most people have to take a shuttle to get close to campus to walk to the stadium. We get a call from some random girl that she has my daughter and something is wrong, I asked where she was. She was right outside the McDonald's in front the of the stadium and there is 15 minutes left in the game. I talk to Emily and I have never experienced any conversation like that in my life. I asked to speak to the random girl again and said find a policeman and have them take her somewhere. Well that freaked her out. So my husband got on the phone and spoke with both of them and he concluded she was experiencing some kind of psychotic episode from bath salts. He said there is not way we could get her with the traffic and timing of the game and their location. So best to find a policeman. The girl texted us back and said when she went to find a policeman, Emily bolted.

Needless to say, we were worried. But, life goes on, I had to fake it til I made it. Get my son ready for Homecoming, welcome my Mom and her friend home after the game. We did not hear anything else all night.

Sunday at 6:30 am Emily called from the hospital. Wanting a ride home to Ben's house where she is staying. We said no, we would give her a ride to free help. We asked her to read the papers to us. It said: Bath Salt over dose and extreme depression. Later we found out her heart stopped and they had use an ultra sound to find her veins. UGH.

Later that week, I spend a day with her, looking back I can say she was on bath salts. I was exhausted from being with her.. her words were crazy and made no sense. We did get her an ID, god forbid she died and was a Jane Doe. We went to see a counselor, whom she dismissed afterwards.

Oct 13th, She was kicked out of Ben's house at 10pm. I guess the guys from KY showed up on their door step and brought trouble and the parents didn't like that. HUMMM, I could have told them that and I did ask over and over that they kick her out. I happened to be out with my friend, who drove us to get her and the plan was to take her a local hosp. Got there and they didn't have room for her. So I said a shelter and my friend refused , so she kept her over night. I was having company the next day, so I was sure when I could get her, my friend said it didn't matter, they would look for places.

By 4:00 pm on Friday Oct 14th , she had made no arrangements. So I took her to the local free place for mental health. Netcare. It's basically a 24 hour place for assessments. Emily stayed Friday night, Sat night, Sunday night and Monday night. That's basically unheard of... but she managed. After finding out there is not bed at the local free rehab, she decided long term help in NC. It's all we can afford, because it's free.

Meanwhile on Friday, my husband is calling me, our bank account was screwed up. Here she stole a check from me. Wrote it out to Ben and he cashed it Oct 1, 2011 way out East somewhere for 175.00. Yes, we pressed charges.

The NC place said she had to do 5 days in a rehab here for detox and we had to have the paperwork it was completed. While there, she met people that had done the NC place and heard all these horrible things and decided not to do it, instead go to a homeless shelter. We had paid 500.00 to the rehab on the assumption she was going to NC. So we played hardball. This was it, we paid this money for NC. Everyone worked hard to get all that was needed for NC. TB test, HIV test, criminal background check I paid for, the necessary things on "the list". She has spent all the money I took her, $7.00 so she could not call us. The rehab would not let her use the phone so we could "convince " her.

Sunday my husband was suppose to pick her up at 9am. He said he would try to convince her to go to NC. She called at 8 am and said to come get her at 4:30pm as the shelters did not open until 5pm. I said, well she sealed her fate. I could not get to NC in time for a 9am check in , in NC then. She called back at 11am and asked to get her at noon, she was getting scared about a shelter. Finally at 2pm, she decided NC and I had a 9 hour drive. Luckily I had some things packed, I rushed and got the rest done and we hit the road.

She was still on the fence on the road.. I wasn't much help, I am not an addict, I am tired, I am driving on roads I have no clue where I am. So she spoke to a friend of mine, a young girl, who is 30 and 8 months clean... thank god for her! She calmed Emily down, saying of course you are scared, us addicts want what we want right away. We want to be right, we don't wanna feel ..we don't wanna hear what we dont' wanna hear..

There was some more drama, but bottom line at 9:05 last Monday I dropped her off at a 2 year free program in the mountains of NC. She had 9 days clean by then and I did get to see she can recover if she chooses.. .where the week before I was unsure her brain could ever recover.

I did not drop her off for the right reasons. I did say, we expect you to graduate this program, but I don't have the feeling that will happen. But when you are in the heat of the moment, you will take whatever you can get and we did that. So please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I hope her life can be saved and I hope she sees that, as it's out of our hands.

And the Outcome

2011-09-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Since Sunday, there has not been 1 word from her. No call for a ride to the library, or to use our phone, etc.

Am I surprised? NO

Am I upset? NO

I am not even disappointed. Because for once, I am not letting her get to me. I have no expectations for her, therefore I can not disappointed. I am even past being sad for her.

I am headed to see my son early tomorrow, take him to lunch, take him some goodies and spend some quality time hearing all about his new college life!

There is Always a Motive

2011-09-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

( This was copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Warning this may be long.. but I would love feed back. I don't want this to seem like I'm happy or excited or even see light at the end of the tunnel, because I am not that way. I am basically nothing, numb. I honestly have no feelings one way or another. I am fine with that, b/c if you remember when I described feeling burned.. I am not ready to be fried again.. because that's the point I am at. If I let myself believe her, I will be toast..I know that.

She claims, and I have heard similar before, she is done... she knows God has a plan for her, b/c she is alive and because all her blood tests were ok..and after all she has been thru she should not be alive or healthy. She said I give up. I surrender. I am done. I have no money to get anything, I have not friends to contact to help me or get me anything. She lives in a basement luckily it's a "mansion". Watches HBO and Showtime all day... bored silly. Has had time to think. She wants help.

We had decided that, she had to get herself into a program. She needed to complete that program in full and it had to be 90 days or longer..and then we will talk. She actually said, 90 days is not enough. So after a bunch of her yacking... we said bottom line what do you want from us? Why are you here?

She said she got a job? She would like a ride if it's raining. She would like to use a phone to call rehabs and programs. She would like a ride to the library to use the computer to find a program. Maybe a meal once in awhile. She mentioned several times how she had no clothes, no shoes. I came back with, sorry, I have bought you enough over and over again. Save your money from your job. She said she knew and wasn't saying it b/c she wanted to buy more.. but that helped bring her to the realization that she has nothing. But, she is now willing to do the work for something.

She kept bringing up school, college. Finally my husband said.. that's not a possibility now, you have to do the hard work first, before you can consider school. So he is picking her up and taking her to the library for an hour or 2 today. I did not volunteer to do anything. He jumped , so I let him. I am not ready to get near that stove again any time soon.

That's probably selfish... but to be honest here, I have been feeling "off".. I went to the dr last week and Friday I got the news I am hypo-thyroid now. Started the meds, but it might take awhile to tweak it. Again, I am reminded that, my health is first.. funny how the timing of it all worked out.

She talked about how she never had gratitude before. She is learning it now. I am not sure if you can learn it or if it's just "there". B/c I have always said, I have learned you can't instill common sense, gratitude, etc as a mother. She admitted she was a pathological lier. She admitted she steals but knows its wrong. She would like psychological help, EMDR or whatever our insurance would cover. IOP is ok, but she would rather do long term inpatient. We said we would be happy to give resources and the use of our phone, but not do the work.

So we shall see.. it can go either way for her.. but, I know the way it has to go for me.. and that's to keep going, keep doing what I am doing, one foot in front of the other and keep busy.

Humm , She made contact.

2011-09-15T17:41:00.000-07:00

( This is copy and pasted from my thread on ODR)

I wanted to take a minute and give you all an update..quickly. Emily is here... not for the night or anything. She asked for a meeting.. had a list w/ bullet points she asked if she could over with us. We did not want to do it somewhere in public.. we had no idea how she would look, she has no filter, sometimes loud. So we picked her up, brought her here.. At one point, we asked her to stop talking, she can wear us out in a short period.. and we don't want to know all this crap.. or at least I don't. I said , call somebody else.. tell them. I can't take it. She said who? I have burnt all my bridges, I am here b/c I am telling you I have nobody else. Then my husband said start going to meetings and get a woman sponser.

Then I remembered our dear friend Kristen. I text Kristen and she was available and they are on the phone now.. and have been for awhile. Kudos to Kristen.

I had these carpet cleaners here Friday AM. He saw pictures in my house... asked about the kids. I was honest. He asked if it was alright if he prayed for Emily.. I pictured all of you.. all the people we know and don't know..praying for her. I said, please do, I have given that up... I now rely on others to do it for me. Emily called last night. I won't get into the details now.. it's long and I , of course, have my opinions. Incidently, the carpet cleaner was on Oprah. I had booked marked her show when he and his wife were on with their 6 babies. He said, he got so much hate mail. We talked about how the world can be cruel.. and bottom line.. if you have your faith or spiritality, believe in yourself and have good intentions.. you will be ok. So who knew having carpet cleaners would be healing for me?

I will write more later when I am less tired and have some sort of idea if anything has been taken from our home and I was fed a line of BS and manipulation.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

2011-08-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

It's All About The Actions. And the Actions prove she is still not ready.

I, for some reason, watched Dr. Drew last night. He had Nicolas Cage's ex wife on. They have a son who is in a heavy metal band and an alcoholic. He stressed..many times, You Can Not Save Your Son. Only he and God can. You can not love them enough. You have got to remove yourself from their problems, or you get sucked in, you become part of the problem, not the solution. You can not love them to death. He kept saying, I need you to hear me on this, it's very serious.

I felt for a minute he was speaking to me.

Having said that, if she asked to see a doctor, a psychologist, go to the dentist, anything like that, we'd be there in a heartbeat. But, I am not begging her. I feel lucky the hosp did run testing on her... said surprisingly, she was the lucky one, even her liver enzymes are A-ok. Gives me some peace for a while.

When you say, tough love and rehab has not worked, I get that. I would love nothing more than to have my daughter back. Feed her, water her, watch her grow... but, to be honest, I doubt she would even do that. As my husband explained to me, she was thankful, thankful for the ride. She was not remorseful or humble. She never asked about me..nothing.. Not how is Mom doing? I will tell you Andy spoke with her on the phone. He grab the phone, he was YELLING.. you have ruined my life since the 5th grade. You have taken our family away.. She hung up on him.

She has totally blocked my husband from facebook. He can not even run a search on her. That was their 1 way of communication. I consider than an action. Not a good one. He emailed her. Nothing. He was nothing but a resource to get her here, just as I was a resource to get her there. I have no desire to track her down and go knocking on some parents home and beg, insist, fight to get her back..when she doesn't want back. She is a wise street person now. I honestly in my deep heart, soul feel, if I let her back, I would be the one in a mental hosp. I don't know this life. I don't want to know..I dont' even like what I do know. I feel I have been lead into a world I prefer not know about.. and not by choice.

She is smart. I believe she knew it was the weekend and there was nowhere for her to go. We been thru this before. So she said she would wait til Monday. Meanwhile she would call my husband on Sunday. That never happened. Monday is here and she has no plans to go get help. If she got into a rehab, the medical part would take care of any problems and they do a psych evaluation and would work with that too.. but she has no desire. She also knows what she was doing,is very new and nobody knows what to do. My husband even offered as a case study and nobody would take her.

He said she kept bringing everything back to money. He said she would say so and so did this to me. He would say, why do you think that is? She would say..the money.., He would say no, because they are on drugs. People that are not on drugs don't do those kinds of things. That's one example. He asked her why she thought she was in this situation, she said because of the money. He said no, because you are an addict. So in that way, she is not smart.. she doesn't get that.

I also know from the past. She calls him, when she isn't serious or knows my boundaries will be tougher. IF I had picked her up, I would have gone thru her things. I would not have let her in my car with drugs. I also would not have let her in my car without taking her phone, getting her email and password. Period. Take it or leave it. My guess is she would have left it. She'd find a bus ride back. We believe she wants to set up business here.

We Turn Into A Resource and She is Gone Again

2011-08-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your prayers, comments and support.

I don't really know where to begin. Who and what she was involved in could be a book or movie. These are not exatly bath salts... more or less called "designer" drugs. And Rain, similar to meth. There are 'chemists". What they do is mix things that are legal or banned.. because banned does not mean illegal. Emily got paid ( alot) to try them out. She was video taped and recorded before they went for distribution. But it's basically like a "ring" or pyrmid.. she knew a lot. She could not just leave with all she knew. You dont just walk away. Several people she knew that tried to branch out on their own have gone missing or in jail for a long time. She claims since July 4th she does not remember anything... nothing. This stuff can be snorted, smoked or injected. She snorted it. My husband said all her track marks were gone. She never did say, what made her get out how she did. Or how she got a clear enough brain to know her days were limited.

My husband and she went to several places yesterday, intake , assessment, etc. Either they don't do assessments on the weekend or they say they do not treat this kind drug when she told them what she was addicted to. It was a series of letters or abbreviations, my husband could not remember them. There is no physical w/d. The ER or mental hosps dont treat it. It's too new.. but the effects are all psychological. Unless she is a threat to herself or others..nothing they will do.

I reminded him what he always says: That girl needs deep psychological help. Well now she went and messed with that. Not sure all that can be healed or recovered from.. form what we are reading , a lot of it can be permanent

He said she was extremely edgy, jumpy, he said ADD to the max. Delusional in the fact, she thinks she and the "real love of her life" will be together forever once he gets out of jail. Delusion that she is above and better than working a min. wage job. Her mind jumped form one thing to another. He finally told her to shut up.. be quiet for awhile, he couldn't take her pipe dreams and non sense any more. She ate a lot. They stopped for lunch, she ate a ton, she had him stop at gas stations to get more food. She had lost about 20 lbs. She kept saying she could not think. Her brain stopped working.. that's what she complained about. She could not put a thought together , let a lone a sentence.. it was more in mind he said, b/c she really didn't shut up. Babbling like.

He asked her if she had the urge to use again. She said she did only so she could think clearly again, not in the fact she wants to feel what it does to her. She said she has done so much and really hates the effects. She was ready to go get help yesterday.. anywhere.. unfortunately there was no where to put her yesterday. And we all know today is a new day.

So the question became where to take her. She can't come here. I was trying to think of someone with a cabin, I mentioned a far away state park, a hotel room. My husband said he was not spending one more red cent on her. He wanted away from her. He was NOT in a good mood. So she went to friends parents house. These are enabling parents.. they give alcohol to minors and have a cabinets full of pills.. extremely wealthy. So that's where she is now.

I drew my line and that was she hands her phone over to my husband, she gives me her email and password to take her f/b down. She did not do that. She is posting her location on it. She is stupid to do that and it tells me she is not willing to do anything to get help for herself. She wants those contacts close at hand, just incase. So I am out of it. I just told my husband I will not take 1 penny from our budget to help her. He feels she is an adult and if she chooses to post where she is and contact people to get drugs, then so be it. There is nothing we can do. I disagree, I know her, I have talked to her about, and I know if she is serious, she will do anything and that includes getting rid of her contacts, her sick photos and comments. And she is not doing it.

At this point, we have not heard from her. My husband is not sure he could find the house again..he was rattled when he dropped her off. So again we are at a 50/50 chance if she will ready to make the calls tomorrow. Many of the people willing to help us, have dropped off. I am sure they are sick of it too. Places and people are not returning his calls. I am not doing any of the work.. because I do not believe she is serious at this point.. and I believe she should be making the calls, not my husband.

It was a gorgeous day yesterday.. I only made it as far as the porch. I had no energy to do anything.. so today I woke up and said to myself.. I am going for my walk.. taking the dog to the dog park.. I am going to "live", I am not going to sink into some isolation again, I won't let that happen. I can't give her that control..while she is out living the high life.

So that's where we stand. Ugly basically.

Bath Salts turned into "Designer" Chemicals

2011-08-29T13:20:00.000-07:00

I thought I would update you all. You know that gut feeling I get.. I got it strong yesterday (Friday). I made some calls.. I can't really say to who or what or where... . But I did wake up yesterday and text my husband and say, she lost it, when you have time get a message to her via f/b. When he finally could do that, she responded she was checking herself into the psych ward as she typed.

Finally she called. She was in the hosp. They ran blood tests and told us, she is extremely lucky, everything looks ok.. they were only waiting on the liver results. She had been throwing up blood. They had 5 cases of bath salt users yesterday and she was the only "lucky" one.

First her phone only has a browser.. she can not call or text. I never heard of that.. but that's the case. 2nd. I can tell you, I did not speak to her, but I heard her, I wanted to throw up. There was a bucket of weeds on the deck and I almost had to use it... I have never heard anything like it before. Delusion, mentally gone, so far off reality. I know I felt that way this winter.. there was no logic or a disconnect... but this was much worst. I really almost felt like I would much rather be dealing with heroin. At least I know what to expect with that. This stuff is the nastiest I have ever seen. The research I have done is not good. Seems the damage can be very permanent.

First I said, we need to know what the withdrawls are. So that would let us know where to put her. A hosp, a mental ward, a rehab? She said there aren't really any physical withdrawls... it's more mental. I confirmed that. Long story short.. I was trying to do ANYTHING I could b/c she was headed back to the town where my son is going next week to start college. Where she claims she is safe and protected.

She was assigned a social worker. When we finally got a hold of her, she told us, due to the fact Emily has no ID, they could not keep in her the hosp. She told us, she is such a sweet sweet girl and she seems to really want to stop this lifestyle that they were taking her to a hotel for the night. They would pay for the transportation and the room. We would have to get her by 11:30 am today. She could not make outgoing calls, but we could call in. However, she was very tired and she would probably just fall fast asleep.

So we knew there was a 50/50 chance she would be there is morning. But for the 50 that she is there, we need a plan. Of course it's Friday night, nothing is open. All we know, is she can't come home. Then we started fighting over who would go get her. I told my husband, I am afraid for several reasons. I don't think I could handle seeing her in this condition.. my baby. And, her lack of logic, respect, I might push her out of the car on the highway. My husband said he was afraid of the same thing. But he went. He began calling the room at 10 am, no answer. The hotel said she didn't check out, but it doesn't mean she just left. Finally she answered about 10:45. The hotel agreed to a late check out, knowing my husband is on his way.

Now we have no idea what to do with her. All we know is she can not come home.

Part of me believes something I have been told, that she has made some very dangerous people mad.. and they are looking for her to hurt or kill her and we are being used as a resource by her to get her out of there. I don't believe she wants to go to rehab. I can't say how I know somethings I know, but, I can say, she is a lier and manipulator first and foremost. And, she is so mentally gone who really knows.

My husband told her, if she was gonna take off, like last time when he drove 5 hours to get her, just tell him now. She was like what? He said don't you remember I wired money for a motel to that older guy helping you. He got you a room and I was suppose to come get you in the morning? He told her he went there, she was gone, he spent hours looking for her there. She said OMG, you mean I had a chance not to go thru all this? I had a chance at help? She kept saying OMG OMG none of this had to happen. She claims she was sorta taken by these guys that are "chemists" and they experimented on her and she has no memory. She said she has no endorphins left. Freaky Freaky stuff to me. I have no idea what is true or not, real or not. Paranoia and psychosis is huge with bath salts.

So at this point she is in the car with my husband.. to where I have no clue (That was Saturday, I copied and pasted from my thread on ODR)

Bathsalts

2011-08-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

Who knew? Now it's bathsalts! What makes a person decide to add another addiction to the long list.

My husband asked me to ask anyone I knew on Facebook that was friends with Emily to get a message to her. The message was: Don't ever forget you have choices. I will help you get help.

I said no. This is not anyone else's responsibility. And, no, I would not do it myself, she blocked me. I threw his words to me back at him. If she can post pictures, opinions, statements, she can certainly contact us.

He did what he said he would NEVER do, created a facebook page. He sent her the message.

She responded right away. Dad, I am so glad you contacted me! I am in trouble. I am suppose to go missing. This thing is bigger than me, people are after me for what I know. I dont' know what to do. Please help me. Dad, I am so sorry. I love you.

He stuck to his bottom line.. I will help you get help. I don't even know where you are. I don't understand what the trouble is.

She came back with telling him where she was. She is no longer addicted to opiates, but bathsalts. The state she is a commonwealth state and it makes it so much worst. She asked for a bus ticket home immediately. ( That was Tuesday)

He replied, stuck to the original reason for contact. She does have a choice to accept help. He would not send a bus ticket she could cash in. She can't come "home" and commonwealth is just another way to govern. If she is that scared, get to a shelter, go to the police. Pick a time and place and he will pick her up and get her treatment.

She wrote back. Commonwealth is much bigger than the police and there are crooked police and commonwealth people involved. Please help.

He spelled it out again. ( Wednesday) and since then there has been no communication.

He is able to separate things. Not me. He opened a can of worms and I had to run with it. I found out as of July 20th the federal felon she hooked back up with was in maxium custody for a whole list of things. With no release date. That leaves me to wonder who she is running around with. Obviously a lot brighter than him, because he keeps getting caught. I have people ready to help. Unfortunately, they need an address or phone number and she is not forth coming on that. I learned she slept and lived in the park for a long time.

I learned about bath salts. 25.00 to 35.00 a gram. You can snort it, smoke it or inject. Indiana just had 3 deaths due to bath salt overdoses. It's not something to mess with.

So all this has brought be me back to square one. I am pissed off, mad, disgusted. I am back to believing there is a choice. You choose to try something different and more dangerous. Why not just stick with heroin? HA some choice. How is picking up a habit like this a disease? Vs a choice? I am back to having a constant pit in my stomach. I am back to worry night and day. I am back to thinking her communication makes no sense, because these bath salts cause paranoia, depression, anxiety, all of which she has without drugs, so it's heightened. That's why she thinks the commonwealth is after her or they are crooked. I am back knowing she can't come home. I will never hear her gut belly laughter. I will never see that spark in her eyes. Those memories are fading and I am left with looking at gray skin, hollow cheeks, dull eye and a skeleton. I am back to thinking.. THIS IS NOT FAIR! I am back to thinking Prayer does not work. So many people are praying for her for us. I am back to saying I can't let go , Let God. Because THIS IS NOT FAIR!

Ohio University Voted # 1 Party School

2011-08-08T09:07:00.000-07:00

Ohio University, not to be confused with The Ohio State University, was voted # 1 party school, according to the Princeton Review, after surveying 122,000 students across the country.

Guess where my son is going as a freshman in the Fall?? Yep, you are right OU.

Should I give you my history of OU? In the 80's I went there for the Halloween Parties. They were famous! They were fun! So fun, I went a few years in a row. We went without having a place to stay. I don't remember where I stayed. I don't remember much, maybe because it's been 30 years or maybe because of the frat house parties with free keg beer.

My son went to "camp" there last summer. He took a class for a week, lived in the dorm and worked hard because we paid extra for it to count towards college credit. He met kids from all over the country. Loved it and got a 3.75. He had an idea of what he wanted major in, business and sports. Low and behold OU is the number 1 in country for this major. Along with communications, their claim to fame is that Matt Laurer graduated from there. From then on, his goal was to go to OU and major in Sports Business. And he achieved his goal.

I had my reservations, knowing it ranked pretty high on the party school list. I dragged him to other colleges visits. I pointed out all the positives in the other schools. I am sensitive to things like this, I feel I have reason to be, with all we have been thru. He asked me to go on a visit to OU and try and keep an open mind. I did that, for him. I was pleasantly surprised! I loved it there! I was amazed at all the help he can get. How efficient they are in in every area. Organized, set up to success!

I accepted his choice. In reality, he would not do well if I MADE him go somewhere else. I started defending it to others. Saying, college is what you make of it. Most colleges can be party schools if you want it to be. I went to OSU and looking back, I wish I never went there, it was too big and a 24/7 party.

I read how the Princeton Review rated this ranking. It is based on where it is located. There is really nothing in Athens, Ohio. Even the Walmart is fairly new. But there are bars.. a whole street of them. It's based on festivals. OU has 2 big festivals. They neglected to say, most of the trouble and arrests from outsiders, not the students. And it is probably in one of the poorer economic counties in our state.

Like I said, I am sensitive about this issue. I can talk til I am blue in the face to my son about it. I forget he has lived it too. I can't fight genetics, I know this. I also know I won't cause it, control it nor can I cure it, if he chooses to dive into in the party scene. I know being an 18 year old boy, will have it ups and downs and life lesson and consequences. I will have to step back and watch from the sidelines as he stumbles and picks himself up again. I do not expect perfection from him.

But, I can say, I have all the trust in this place. There is so much help! There is many positives. In his college, 120 kids were hand picked to go thru this program. They will help him. They picked him for some reason. I just wish it was just not recently chosen as the #1 party school and they don't give the stats on how the schools were rated. So I find myself defending the #1 party school, which sorta haunts me in a way.

When Did Not Having a Choice of Toothpaste flavor at the Dentist Stop?

2011-07-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

I had to go to the dentist yesterday. One of those dreaded places for me. For several reasons. I HATE the dentist. Something from past I am sure. We didn't have the best dentists growing up. And, it's one of those places I don't frequent, so when I go, they always ask about Emily.

I have to be scheduled for a longer cleaning than the normal. Adds to my anxiety. I get the GAS to calm down. I am usually there for an hour and half or two hours. So for me, there are few fun parts of going to the dentist. Even the "free" bag of a too soft toothbrush, small dental floss and travel size toothpaste isn't what I consider a fun part. To me, the fun part is picking my flavor of tooth polish or paste. There are so many choices now. Yesterday, I was not given a choice. She just used some peppermint thing. Does that mean I am hitting that age? Does that mean I have bad breath? In my head I am wondering, how come I wasn't given a choice. I should ask! No, don't ask, you don't really want to know the answers. Did they take a survey and found most adults ask for peppermint not bubble gum, so now they just give the adults peppermint? Darn it.. I THINK I want to know why I wasn't given a choice.

Guess where that brought my thinking next. Addiction. Yep, go figure, I could relate addiction with not getting a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist. Only me. I think when you have child that is an addict and you haven't heard from them... you don't have many choices. Your choices have been taken way. You have to wake up. You have to put one foot in front of the other. You have to eat, try to sleep, try to smile, try to be social, try to the best for the rest of the family that's around. Try to act like life must go on.

But the "fun" choices, like picking a toothpaste flavor is taken away. You don't get to choose to buy her some new cute clothes, you don't get to say, let's do lunch together. You don't get go see a movie, a play together. You don't get to say, come over, I made your favorite dinner. You don't get to complain about the music choices. You don't get the choice to say "Hey I got the new OPI color, wanna do your toes?" You don't get to ask about her friends and their families. You don't get to giggle. You don't get to people watch together.

Who knew, not being give a choice of toothpaste flavor at the dentist would bring all that up?? The only "fun" part of going to the dentist was taken away... and I don't know why. The fun choices I could have with my daughter have been taken way.. and in reality I don't know why.

No News is Good News, Well Not Always

2011-07-14T07:35:00.000-07:00

I haven't really kept up with this blog. I don't know why, except to say, the first place I go is ODR, after I write there, I guess I don't feel like coming here and telling it all again.

At this point we have not heard from Emily in 5 or 6 weeks. What's good about that statement is, I do not know if it's been 5 OR 6 weeks. Tells me, I am not counting the minutes, days or weeks, like I have in the past. It tells me, I just might be detaching completely. Might not be by choice, but maybe having no choice is what I need?? I don't know.

She did make her facebook totally private, so I had no way of checking there either. What I am feeling about that, is in the old days, there was no facebook to check up on and now I have some more free time. I do have a few mutual friends and they have kept me updated... but in all honesty, there is nothing to update. She has not been on there in a few weeks.

People ask me if I have called the police. Well no, I wouldn't know what state or county to call the police in. The law is not on my side, she is an adult, they will tell me this because I have called the police in the past.

I am a little bit mad or angry, she has not contact any of us to just let us know she is alive. I thought we had that pact together. She always let us know at least once a week she was still alive and kicking. I guess I depended on that too much... because I don't have it this time.

My son left last Friday night with another family for vacation. I was giving my "mom talk". He said, I know Mom, I know.. you have drilled this stuff in my head since I was born. I couldn't stop having manners if I tried! I said this isn't just about manners, this is about safety and accidents, you are all we have. He said, what about Emily?? I said, ok you are the only son we have. He said what about Dad's first son. I said ok, you are the only one that counts. Did I inflate his ego? Did I speak the truth? Do I subconsciously worry some other ball will drop and take all I have left? Would I have had that talk with him if our family was whole and intact? I think I would. It's probably just more heightened now.

So the old saying, no news is good news, isn't really flying with me these days. All I can say, is I have not had that 6th sense kick in, telling me something is bad has happened or is happening. Trying to keep positive and keep living life, without a life I brought into this world.

What Goes Up Must Come Down

2011-06-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

What goes up, must come down was the end of my last blog and it's true, especially with addiction in a family.

The glory details: I had offered to go visit her the weekend before last. On a Saturday. She never really texted me back. I tried to reach her, nothing. Finally on that Sunday, she texted she was in a meeting and very busy and would call me later. She never did. Monday another text comes from a different number. Says someone broke her phone in half.

Wednesday my husband is out of town and gets a call from her that she is being kicked out. He kept texting and calling me. I did not offer to do anything. I support getting help or recovery, I do not support when she gets kicked out. I suggested he tell her to find a policeman to take her to a shelter or Salvation Army. He preferred to try to get her a hotel room until the next morning when he could get her. She walked to a hotel, only to find out they do not give out rooms without an id, so they would not take my husband's cc over the phone or give her a room. He is frantic, I am calm, saying, I did not get kicked out, I did not break her phone and I did not loose her id. Shelter or S. Army.

Then some older guy, Dave, called my husband, said he felt bad for her and he knew a place that would take cash for a room and he would use his id if my husband would Western Union the money to some carry out. This Dave did offer to take her to the Salvation Army, but she said her Dad was willing to pay for a room. Dave took her for a meal while they waited for the money. When he went in to get the money, he let her use his phone. She called my husband and made a few "other" calls.

He signed for the room and he said at 9pm she walked in room 109. Saying she was very tired. But, she did know some other girl in the motel. He told my husband he lived in this town his whole life, he knows everybody and every place. The place she had been does not kick people out, unless they really mess up. He said was happy to help, doing God's work and he had a daughter that went thru something similar.

My husband gets up early to drive and get her. 5 hour drive for him, missed meetings, and vacation day gone. Meanwhile, Dave calls him and tells him some guy called his phone all night every 3 minutes. He told the guy on the phone, he did not know her, doesn't know where she is and to quit calling. The guy on the other end said, then I am gonna blow up your phone all night and he did exactly that.

My husband gets to the motel. She isn't there. Lady said she checked out at 10 am. He spends 2 more hours looking for her. I tell him to come home, what else can you do??

He told me when he did talk to Emily, he told her he wanted honesty if she wanted his help. Emily said she was kicked out because she missed some groups and didn't do her chores. A little more digging she said they said I wasn't here last weekend and I was! Click Click, my brain goes off. I said I offered to go visit her that Saturday and didn't reach her until late Sunday night. I found it weird, because she knew I would have given her more minutes and took her shopping.

My husband did not come mad. ( unlike I would have been) He came home worried and stressed. Says she has no id, no phone, no money and could be a Jane Doe in another state and nobody would know. To ease that blow, I reminded him, she has been finger printed. Thank god for charges! Ha.

I knew nothing was what she was telling him. A big red flag is she all of sudden contacted him, not me. I believe she knows she can't pull anything over on me anymore, but she still thinks she pull at her Dad's heartstirngs, and in away she did. He went running after her, paid for the motel, etc.

We have not heard from her at all. Not even on Father's Day. It was heavy here yesterday. My son running around trying to make my husband happy. It was so obvious. I didn't want to say anything, because that would have brought her name front and present and we were all avoiding that. We are all still "reacting" to the addict. It's unhealthy. It's not fair or right.

We have however, decided, none of us will take her calls anymore or texts. Many will disagree with this, and I understand. I can say, I have supported recovery or help, I have offered rides and support for that. So I have a clear conscious. No more. She is an adult. She can figure it out, that's what adults do. This family will never be the same and not for the better. So all we can do is move on and create good memories with what is left of us. I do not want 1 more "holiday" with a heavy feeling around. Life is too short.

Almost There

2011-06-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

She looks bad, not as bad as the last time I saw her thou. I can tell she is not in withdrawals or using. I double check her purse. I sleep with my wallet, cell phone and keys, just in case. She tells me she will never be able to sleep, she goes to bed about 9 am, sleeps all day. I say tough, I need the lights out, I have a long drive tomorrow and back home. Next thing I know, she is snoring softly, like she did as a little girl. I am the one staring that ceiling. Go figure. I wake her up the next morning and she is actually in a good mood. Amazing what food, a clean bed and good night sleep does for somebody. We start out on our journey.

Now we are about 20 minutes out of "Smithville". We pull over to get a bite to eat and she is getting the exact street and address from her contact. She says Mom, I got it wrong.

OHHHH I should have known! It's 3pm, I have a 5 hour drive home. I can't bring her with me. We have Muirfield Golf tourney with clients, in fact I am missing Thursday festivities to do this. So calmly, I say what did you get wrong? She said the city. It's "Smithland" not "Smithville". I am like where is that??? She said I don't know. So I get a map. Well, we came from the Northeast corner of the state to the Southwest corner and "Smithland" is back at Northeast corner!

She said forget it, get me a greyhound ticket for there or the 2 year program in NC. I honestly thought about it. I was speechless. I still sorta am, after 240.00 in gas money.

I turn the car around, and head back. Now her contact is not texting her, we don't know the street or address. I called the police dept non emergency number and they are closed. I ready to just leave her there. I know I can't bring her home.

She called the place itself. I heard them say, they have no beds. She was getting into the abuse and I got out of the car.. I did not want to be part of this, I am tried, I have driven on little sleep and it's like 6 pm and she still isn't anywhere. URGGGG.

I saw her put the phone down and I got back in the car, she said I am in, it's just up the road. I said how did you get in? I heard them say there was not bed. She said I told them, I went to Smithville first and they felt bad. I said, thank god somebody feels bad! ( for me, us)

She said, Mom, I really want this. Thank you so much. I love you. I drop her off. I don't linger, I don't want them thinking she has all this support or somebody to pay or anything like that. But, I get a feeling. It's set in the woods. All the buildings match the environment. There is a medical building, psychological building, main office and nice housing. We both said at the same time, looks like camp. I said I am sure you won't be singing Kumbya around the camp fire thou. Hugged her, said I love her and left.

I go 10 miles and I see the hotel we spend the night in the night before! OMG.. I got mad all over again! But, I kept it together, turned up the stereo, let myself breath, sing, be happy she was safe, no matter what it took to get her there.

She texted me shortly after, saying she loves it there. They are gonna help her with everything. She is amazed I am so strong as a Mom and is very grateful and thankful and she means that. And she actually had fun being with me today. And she loves me more than I will ever know.

I have gotten similar texts daily now.

So for the last 3 days, I know she has been safe. I am not overly happy or over joyed, this disease is horrific. Tomorrow she could leave and relapse. I know this. But, this time, she found the place, made her plan, only asked for what I was willing to supply, a ride or transportation. For now, I can breath, even smile every once in awhile. The rollercoaster is on cruise, but I know what goes up, has to come down.

Next Contact

2011-06-04T12:29:00.000-07:00

A week later, I get texts and calls, she wants help. Only problem is, these are at 5:30pm, 10:30pm, 12:30 am. She reminds me of my offer to help. I explain there is nothing I can do at these hours. I had a PLAN a week ago. It involved several people very willing to help, knowing I was super busy. She never showed or committed. I explained, I am busy, but I will make myself available for a few hours during the day to take her somewhere. Where? She wants to know. Wherever you contacted, I tell her. Since she did not call her doctor, a therapist that was standing by to help her, a friend willing to be her sober companion during a detox.

At this point Andy's graduation is in a few day. I am praying she does not pull something. This is his time. I am working on and planning being 100% present for him.

It's the end of his party. I am having a drink at the club with 2 of my college friends, relaxing for once and my phone rings.. 12:30 AM. It's her. I should not have, but I did answer. She is crying hysterically. I just said, Emily, F U, I told you not call late at night. I just hosted your whole family for Andy's grad party and I will not let you ruin it. She said she has to get away from Joey, she wants to detox. I said, that's great, call in the morning and we will help you. She asked if I was really going to make her sleep on a bench in the rain that night. Yes, I am . My day is done, and I am not getting into drama and crisis's anymore.

She didn't call the next morning or afternoon. Go figure.

I get a few texts, saying she is detoxing herself. She is in another city, farther away. The city where the college Andy is going to. This makes me mad! She saying she loves it there, wants to stay. Makes me madder. This is his future, how dare she end up there!

She tells me, her detox is going ok, over the worst of it, has a plan, has people helping her, but she will need to take me up on her offer of a ride. I tell her ok, but give me details. She said she really can't because of confidentiality, it is a battered womens center, in another state. I told her I support that, but I am not going on a wild goose chase. She says she understands, but she has to "sneak" away and it may be last minute and she will give me the of the city, in the other state.

So she does provide me with the information. It looks perfect. Her plan is to do the battered women's program then they will transfer to the dual dx , addiction center for women, then she will wants to do the long term one, 2 years in NC. So she gives me the name of the city to mapquest. It's about 4.5 hours away. Let's call it "Smithville".

The next night, she calls and says can we go now?? It's 9pm this past Wed. It will take me 2 hours to get to her. But, something in her voice, told me to do it. She has been crying wolf for 3 weeks, and I am not convinced easily. Crying wolf is very painful to a parent of an addict. You want it so bad! Then they back away. But, something said go. I went.

The plan become more elaborate as I was driving. I told her to get to a public place, stay there til I get there. She went to a mexican place, where my step brother is part owner, but she does not know that and I have only met him like 5 times in my life. Happens, my nephew is there. So my brother is calling me, saying Emily is freaking out, with his son. My nephew takes her to his frat house, feeds her, keeps her til I come. I get them, then she has us drive her to some street where she threw her bag, because as she was leaving Joey was coming home and she would never get away if he saw she was leaving. We get her bag. Take my nephew back and she and I leave. I drove for another 45 minutes and got a hotel room.

Continued

I Can Say, She is Safe Today, Was Yesterday, The Day Before

2011-06-04T12:06:00.000-07:00

I have not written much about the situation on this blog lately. I have on ODR, but, even that wore me out. I will try to give you a little background.

About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I got a call from some guy that he had found my daughters phone in a park. Would I come get it? So I went. I saw where it found and I thought, something is up. She could have been taken, beaten, etc. I asked why he didn't call the police. He said, you don't call the police in this neighborhood. I put out the word I had her phone. I didn't hear anything. So I filed a missing person's report. Let's just say, that was most unpleasant. My husband ended up escorting the policewoman of our city out the door. Telling her, we would find other means to get this job done.

Couple of days later, she contacted me. We made plans to meet after the weekend, on a Monday. I was getting into my busiest 2 weeks of the year. So Monday crept up on me, and I had NO PLAN. I do not like having NO PLAN. I just asked for guidance as I drove down to the city to meet her. She got in the car and honestly, I was going to hand her the phone and leave. But, she looked so bad. The worst I have even seen and so bad, I did not want to look at her. I offered lunch. Still no real plan... but I did know, I could not push or I would lose her.

I took her to lunch. She started crying, saying she didn't want to be like this, she can't help it. She is in a deep hole, her body is breaking down, her hair is falling out, her brain is not working. I asked if she was ready for help. She said .. almost, but she is afraid. Afraid she can not live without her drug.

So on a whim, I brought her home to use the computer and phone and call some places. I heard her, she was doing a good job. She called the long term woman's place in NC and I heard her say, I know it's not a walk in the park, and I need that now. I am ready to do the hard work. She printed everything off. Put in her name for a detox place.

I told her, you are in a deep hole. I have a ladder for you. I will hold it for you, but I will not take the first step for you, you have to start climbing yourself. She thanked me, said, her brain can't take the first step, she needs help. I said I will help you, when there is a detox bed open, I will take you. But, these places do not want to talk to me. They want to know you are serious.

My son and husband got home and were not happy she was here. She was getting dope sick and complaining. So I took back, back to the hell hole I picked her up from.

On my way home, my husband called. His ipod and others things were gone. I texted her, time to do the right thing, she texted, she gets blamed for everything. I didn't hear from her for another week.

Continued on next post.

New Chapters

2011-05-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

My baby graduated on Saturday! I really don't even know what to say! We start a new chapter. There was a day, well many day, many years, I said to anyone who would listen, "everyone should have an Andy!" I felt and still do feel very blessed I got this boy. I would say around 16 or 17, I quit saying that. LOL. You know teen boys! But, I still felt blessed, because as you all know, I know it can be worst and it has been worst. But this kid has it going on. I can say I am proud.

Andy did not get high honors. Andy did not get a ton of scholarships. I don't have bumper stickers that say Honor Student. But, I got a "normal" kid. A well adjusted kid. A happy kid. A polite kid. A kid with goals and direction. I got lucky with him. I sat in the graduation with tears in my eyes. Knowing all he lived with for so many years. Knowing he made it thru with minor bumps in the road, when in reality, there could have been huge boulders in his way. He did it. I am proud.

I had his friends and their Mom's send me words to describe Andy. Then I put the words with stickers on a mat and framed his Senior picture for his table at the party. I cried! There were some common words. Polite. Friendly. Nice to everyone. Always smiling. Doesn't get much better than that for me. Those are things that take you far. Nobody will remember your GPA, but they will remember your manners or smile. Other words were, best friend, hard worker ( 2 jobs) , reliable, funny, sarogent big brother. I am proud.

So we soon the new chapter in our lives. While I cried and still crying about it all ending. I know I did my best to prepare him to leave the nest. I know without a doubt there will be more bumps in the road, but I also know without a doubt he will make it. I am proud.

We had a wonderful party with 7 other families. The boys from our neighborhood. It was a night to remember and I am glad he could go out with a bang and a good time. I never got to do that before and did I tell you, I was and am proud!

Things Aren't Always the Way they should be

2011-05-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a quick blog.. just to catch you up. All the work I did.. everything.. out the window. Best laid plans huh?

Emily was released the next day. I was on the road... to be specific, I was in the mountains, not getting any reception, frantic calls from my husband on what to do. She claimed she was ready to go to the all women , long term rehab. But, he had no where to put her during the transition days.

I learned quickly, I over trained my husband! Now he couldn't or wouldn't make a decision without me. Even thou I texted, whatever you decide dear, is fine with me... not exactly saying.. hey I am on vacation with the girls.. I don't need this now.. hoping he would "read between the lines" sorta thing.

Well he let her sit in a holding cell. She was isolated due to lice and bed bugs.

I told my husband to call a very helpful person on my ODR board. He did and had a plan. He went to get her.

She walked away from him. Went up to a car, asked to borrow their cell phone and never looked back at her Dad.

Two days later on my girls vacation, I got a text from her old b/f. It just said: Saw Emily at such n such intersection with a dude begging for money. I didn't even respond.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Bitter Sweet. I will try my best not to dwell on the first born, who made a Mother first, but I will try and enjoy and my last born and be present.

Happy Mother's Day to you all.
Hugs, Kelly

Words That Sum Up My Week: Feds, Warrants, Crystal, Rings, Safety

2011-04-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to post for awhile. I have been living a stressful life for the past week. I had one goal in mind. Can you guess? Keep my daughter alive, she is worth it. I wanted this done before tomorrow. I am leaving tomorrow on my annual girls trip to Myrtle Beach. This year my Mom is going with us. I needed to be in a place where my Mom could not tell something was wrong.

I worked probably as hard as an addict works to get their fix. I put something in motion, due to some information I had gotten. I would like to give you all the details, but I can't yet. For several reasons. It's not totally done and I don't have time. But, what I put in motion, became something beyond my comprehension, shook my world and scared me.

I had a nice lunch with Emily on Tuesday. That's all I will say about that.

Today, at 5:30 am, a Federal Task Force and some Marshalls activated a "no knock warrant". Emily was taken to our local county jail. Her new "boyfriend" was taken far away by the Feds.

I got a call from her around 8 am. Didn't hear the phone, she was on my voicemail. She very calmly and dare I say maturely said where she is. That she is in a single cell, due to bed bugs. She does not expect us to pay bail or bond. That I should go on my vacation and know she is safe and will have 3 squares. And that she loves me very much. Maybe it was relief in voice.

Around 1pm I got a call from her cell phone. I was kinda scared to answer it. I thought the Feds would have taken it. It was a very nice older woman, who Emily and her boyfriend were living with. Because I don't have time, I can't fill you in the details. But, she said, Emily went very politely and seemed ok. This older woman fell in love with Emily. She recently lost a daughter in a car crash. But, she said, her boyfriend treated her very poorly. She found Emily in the rain last night crying and crying. I thanked her for housing my daughter and apologized for the circumstances and for them to have their house raided. I was amazed at her understanding and I plan to meet her when I get home.

This poor older couple had no idea this boyfriend was just out of a State Pen in Aug of 2010 for crystal meth. They did not know he had fire arms in their home. They did not know he violated Federal Probation. But the good news.. I KNEW.

I will fill you in at later date. I could not post, due to the nature of the circumstances. But, as of now, everyone is where they should be. I can breath. I can smile and take a minute to smell the roses. And, to make matters better, the old boyfriend, who she lived in abandon houses with this winter, was picked up April 21st and has no bail or bond. So he can not bail her out. I think all the doors have closed for my daughter, except the ones with bars. This is the one thing she has not done, jail time. So it's time.

I leave tomorrow at 7 am and I will be gone for 9 days. Wonder what my house will look like with 2 guys living here that long alone??

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Kelly

I actually thought I could be a double Agent

2011-04-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

I can not get into what is going on. I will, when it is safe and I can do so.

I think I have stated before, I have a very strong Mothers Intuition in regards to Emily. I feel almost cursed to have this. Not to go into the paranormal, but I am one who, at times, has access to my 6th sense. I don't talk about it much, unless, I am given a "sign", to do so. Let's just say, thru my sense, I have been able to help a friend find an old antique time piece, that had been missing for a long time. I have had "visits" from the dead in a dream or meditation, in which they want me to pass on some kind of information to their loved one. Like where the antique pocket watch was. I have explored this and found, to be honest, I have fear. I know so many addicts say fear stand in their way. It stands in my way in this regard. But no denying it when it comes to my daughter.

I had a dream ( and I thank God, I got some sleep last night, it's a been a few nights). I don't always remember my dreams. I actually woke up today, feeling I could CONTROL it. I could be a double agent. I can't even tell you with whom right now. I went as far as putting this plan into action. I felt untouchable. Nothing stands between a Mother and her sick daughter. I am happy to say, that fear I have, stopped me.

It's been a long weekend. I did not post about our Birthday Visit. Seems like very old news. I actually called the coroners office this weekend, to see if there was Jane Doe. Instead, I stumbled upon, something bigger and scarier. And it's not done. I am suffering internally and probably externally, as my son went and got me lunch today, because I have not eaten in awhile.

He had Prom this weekend. I was present and happy for him. I should feel good about that. Nothing like a handsome guy all cleaned up in a tux. He looked good! He had fun! He was good. No problems. I am very thankful for that, and I believe God knew I could not handle an incident with him too.

Happy 20th Birthday

2011-04-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

Well today is Emily's 20th birthday. Seems like April is a big month for our kids birthday's here in blogland.
For me, it is bitter / sweet.

Up until last night, we were not going to see her. After much discussion, we decided to go get her and take her to dinner. Then came the question of what to "get" her. Grocery store cert? We have done that in the past. We came up with eye and dental appointments. Last time she asked for contacts was Sept of 09. Probably saw a dentist around then too. We feel these are appropriate young adult "gifts". That way we pay the facility with our insurance or cc.

I did write about her birth here: April 12, 1990.

I was starting to get anxious. I even said to my husband, I am not sure we are making the right decision. He said we can't back out now. Ok then.

There happened to be a show on A&E last night called Hillbilly Heroin. It happened to be set not too far from where Emily is living now. My husband came in the room and said, OMG that's Emily isn't it! What is she doing on tv? She didn't tell us! I am like calm down, it is not her, I don't know what you are talking about. He said well she looks like that and that's her twin, same coat, etc. Remember, I have not "seen" her since Jan. I ask him, does she look that bad? He said yes, last time he saw her. My anxiety was rising. Then he says to me, well remember what the detox counselor told me? I am like humm no. He said she told him they had not ever had such a worst case of black tar heroin addiction as they had with Emily. Nobody told me... and now I wish I didn't know.

I did talk to Emily , at length yesterday. Let's just say, I have been saying this time "it's different". It's so different, there is not connect. Like all logic, thought process is gone. It's like talking to.. well I don't know what, something so foreign to me. My hope for tonight is, somewhere deep inside her, she will remember her roots, where she came from, feel our love and know we will support recovery. But, I am not sure she is able to go back that far in her brain. Remember those commercials about drugs. There was an egg and they said this is your brain, then they fried it and said this is your brain on drugs. That's what talking to her is like.

The last 2 birthdays have been spent , in her words, treatment facilities. She refused to go back to treatment today, maybe later this week she said. As her birthdays were not fun. What's fun to her? I really don't want to know. I said, well I certainly had fun last year, maybe it was just me. She said, no, she agreed we all had fun. I don't think this year we will have "fun". I think we will come home, glad we made an effort, but scared for her. That's where my anxiety comes in. I feel fragile, like if she is so physically ill looking, I will crack. I am gonna try my hardest not to. I am going to spend some time today, getting myself ready to "accept" and not judge and set my boundaries.

Happy Birthday my first baby. My hope for you is to be healthy, enjoy life and find the good. Mom

paragraphs

2011-04-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

Anyone know why my post are not going into paragraph form? It's how I am writing it, but it then posts as 1 big long thing. THANKS!

I thought you'd be Happy I am getting my ducks in a Row

2011-04-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, about 12:15 pm, Emily calls me. Said she couldn't wait to get up and call me and tell me the good news. She is taking care of herself, has a plan and getting all her ducks in a row. For a lot of us, we would immediately think, oh there just might be light at the end of the tunnel. I am not most, I take deep breath , let it out, and say calmly, ok let's hear it.

Well Mom, there is thing called HUD, have you heard of HUD? Yes, Emily, I have. Really? Wow! I didn't know about it.. anyway.. there is this girl, KD, she has a 2 year old baby and she is clean, never did drugs, really good person and she can get HUD. I can get 275.00 a month in food stamps and 750.00 in other money and we can get a 4 bedroom apt with 2 baths thru HUD. All we have to do is say we are lesbians. I will help with the baby and all.

Mom, Mom are you there?

Yes, Emily, I am here.

Mom, aren't you happy, I am thinking for myself, have a plan, getting my ducks in row??

Emily, Hud is a federal program, you sign on a dotted line with Hud and lie, you are committing a federal crime. You can not go thru life trying to scam people and organizations. They are looking for people like you. Do you want to go to federal prison?

Well, I never thought of that. No, I don't want to go to federal prison.

Emily, before you act, research. ( Now I get to meat of the conversation)

Emily, they are willing to take you back at rehab. Your counselor will help, you just have to call her.

She says... well my counselor never called to tell me that! She has my number too!

Emily, counselors do not track down addicts and offer them things. They wait for the addict to show they want it. I continued to say. You have this good option. Something we will support. You and I both know, it takes a good year for your brain to heal. I saw glimpses of it at 8 or 9 months clean last summer. Not quite there, but really close. But, then you sabotaged your recovery for a guy. Like you did the summer before in FL, like you did at the therapy school, like you just did this time.

She said, that's just what I do

I said I know, and how is that working for you??

Sigh, it's not.

Ok then, take a year, you are bright, intelligent, get that back. Take a year, work on yourself for yourself. You are still at an age where you have the world at your feet, yours for the taking, if you just work it. You can go to school. ( She says, yes, I really really want to go to school). I said you can get your license, you can work towards a rewarding job. You also do not have do it all alone, we will support you in positive options. I can hear the wheels turning in her head.

I go for the kill. Emily, do you know who your boyfriend is? I have done some research. Yes, Mom, but let me tell you people change. You can't hold the past against someone. Do you know who is dad is? yes, mom. Well Emily, people can change, I agree, but, it has not been that long since he has been out of a federal program and already been thru 1 rehab, and you know as well as I do, that 2 addicts with no after care probably won't make it too far. And, you are in a small town, where he is a marked man and they are probably watching you now. She is about to say something, and I say, don't say it, your brain is still not healed and I am sure whatever you are going to say is going to confirm that to both of us.

She said I understand what you are saying. Then she asks about meeting for her birthday. I say, call your Dad. She pushes and pushes. I finally say, I was willing to meet you with strong boundaries. She asks what the means. I say , do not waste my time listening to lies. No pipe dream conversations. I said and absolutely no talk about this new boyfriend.

She says I understand what you are saying... but you left me at Christmas!

I said, Emily, we celebrated with you and I spend a whole long day with you, getting hair , nails done, shopping, eating. I said where are the gifts you got? She said stolen. I said well if you had been doing the right thing, they would not have been stolen. I said, and if you really want to know.. the whole time we were together, all you talked about was your b/f at the time, what you were getting him, his family. Never once did you ask me to take you to get your brother or father a Christmas gift. You couldn't even make us a Christmas card. Or write a poem or sing a carole for us. It was all about you and your b/f at the time. Like now.. all about your birthday and the new love of your life.

She kept saying, I understand, I know where you are coming from. She said boy, this conversation turned out totally different than I thought. I woke up so excited to call you and tell you of my plans and doing it on my own.

I said, you can't do it on your own. You have proven that. Please call your Dad and the counselor. No response. I said, I love you.. she said I know you do, I love you too.. and hung up.

I called my husband and gave him the heads up.

She did end up calling him a few hours later. He told her the same things I did. He offered to give her a ride back to rehab. He offered her support while in the program. He did say, we will not meet you for your birthday unless you choose to go back. We will send a card, maybe a grocery store gift cert.

She then asked him to call her counselor and see the offer was still good. He did. First, her counselor was out for the week, but he talked to another one, who knew Emily and the situation. He kept saying, you shouldn't be calling , she should. She has to find her way back here, not you doing it for her. No kidding we know this, but we are trying to get her to that point. They will take her back, but she will be drug tested and if she is positive, she has to start in detox and at the beginning and he said the odds are high she will test positive. He said, as she left, she said her dealer was picking her up... my husband said, yeah, she met him in your program! He asked who it was, my husband told him and there was dead silence. Then he said, well tell her to come in and we will test her and start the process.

So my husband calls her back, tells her. She doesn't say much. Then says, well thank you, I will think about it. Kept saying, I will think about it.

For now, I guess that's ok. It's about the best we are gonna get.

Here is where I get confused. By us laying down these clear boundaries, what we will support, what we won't, it sorta feels like we are forcing her to go back and we all know , it doesn't work that way. They have to want it for themselves. I mean, yes, she has a choice, stay where she is, which I believe will have a bad ending, another rock bottom or do as we say. And, I am not sure that will work anymore. So to me, it's a catch 22. Looking around for my magic wand.

The Cycle Continues

2011-04-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well we finally heard from her. It was a relief. I spoke with her last Monday. She was, imagine this, all about her. Oh, and her new boyfriend.

Never once, in over an hour conversation, did she ask how her brother was, how her dad was or how I was. Never once acknowledged our letters or "gifts". On and on about the new boyfriend. How he is the one that paid for her phone to be turned back on and insisted she contacted us because he knows we would be worried and love and miss her.

I never got any concrete answers for the few questions I could squeeze in. I did however get a lot of contradictory. I did not point them out. I did not push on going back to rehab.

Then came the birthday question. Her 20th is April 12th. Would we like to get together? We can meet her alone or with new love of her life . We can go to where she is or she can get ride up here. She is now living about 40 minutes south of Columbus. I just kept saying, I need to talk to your Dad.

After some digging, which I really DID NOT want to do, but could not help myself. Shame on me! I have found out this new love of her life, got out of a federal penitentiary Aug of 2010. By March of 2011, he is in rehab?? I dug some more. I know, I know, shame on me! His father is still in a federal penitentiary, they ran a crystal meth ring. I am surprised I don't remember it from the news.. maybe we weren't living here then? This guy did not graduate from HS, was kicked out.

She lied to me about his age. She lied about his job. Big surprise right?

He even got on the phone with me! He told me she is safe. They are going to AA, NA meetings up in Columbus. He feels family is important and we would be worrying. He said he was in rehab due to a sports injury from HS, pain pill problem. He asked if I was from MN, due to my accent. Said I sounded like Sarah Palin.

To me, why waste your breath and my time lying? Again, we are presented with , do we see her, or don't we. My husband flat out said No. I have not physically seen her since January. She is my baby and it's her birthday.

I spoke with a girl, who has been helping me. She said, it might be good to see her, she will remember her roots, feel your hug and heart beat and it might bring back good memories. But, set the boundaries, like dont' talk if it's gonna be lie. No pipe dream conversations, absolutely no discussion on the new boyfriend. What's left to talk about? Because she certainly doesn't care to hear about our boring life. I was still thinking about it, when Emily called yesterday. To be continued in the next post.

" I Am Free!!!"

2011-04-02T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband went to his meeting. A young guy came up to him and said have you seen Emily's facebook? My husband, of course said no. ( He has never been on facebook, never will be). So the guy shows him. It says : "I am Free!!" My husband calls me, asks me if I have seen her facebook. I said, no, I quit looking, it gets to be too much. He said well something is up. In the back of my head.. I know.. something big is up. But I said, maybe they moved to the residential house that has computer access? We decide he will call her counselor. Meanwhile, I prepare myself. I go to the bead store, my salvation. Then I meet my friend for lunch, Casa Patron.. chips, salsa and margaritas always cheer me up. So does April Fools day. My son is suppose to meet me at Casa Patron and we are going tux shopping for prom. So I get the hostess to call my son's phone and she says: This is Officer Baker, with the local police. Your probation is coming to an end soon, so to close the case, we need you to stop in the station for a drug test before noon on Saturday April 2nd. My son shows up and we are talking, then I say.. Oh, I got this weird call from the police that you need to go in for a drug test. He turned all red and said , I got the same call! He said I don't have time, I have to work tomorrow. My friend said to him, would you even pass a drug test? he said of course! So then I told him .. April Fools! If he showed panic or worry or lying, I would have let it go and told him to go to the station after tux shopping. Again, our sick humor!! But everyone thought it was pretty funny! So meanwhile, my husband calls.. says it's bad, as bad as it gets. Surprise Surprise. He asked if I really want to know? Well yes, I am not one to need protection or forget it. She was involved in something, she was the only one of the 3 that fessed up. But, her counselor, once again fought for her and got the higher ups to agree she could stay. She got very angry, rude, etc and said, no I am leaving. I am going to use , use! Give me the cab money. They gave her the cab money, but she made a call and got a ride and took the cab money. Duhh?? Her counselor was crying to my husband. He was actually consoling her! He said this is what she does, she sabotages herself on purpose. He explained the case in FL, and the woman had no idea! She kept saying we could have helped her if she just told us! He said well, she didn't put her mom on her release, her mom would have had you working with her on it. Bottom line, the counselor said, if you find her, please please let her know, she can come back. I can get her in the Aster House. Now, who does that? The state run place has a waiting list a mile long. Last time we tried to get her in, it took over 8 weeks. But, it's always the same, everyone loves the clean Emily. I knew from 2 things this was not going to work. 1. She did not put me on the release. 2. She like her counselor. That translates to , I have got this woman fooled. She is not holding me accountable and I like that. So again, we do not know where she is. What we do know, is the most amount of money she has is 35.00. She has 2 pair of jeans, a couple shirts. No car, no license. No food. I am incline to put a target on her back with the police. If she is at Joey's , they are in town and our local police would help. If they are on campus, it would be harder to get help. But, I feel like jail is the only option now. My husband thinks, that is controlling and exactly what I am trying to teach him not to do. So again, we are at odds. He thinks it's just a matter of time and we don't have to do anything. I think it might save her life. I would rather get a call from a jail, than a hospital or morgue. Her birthday is in 10 days. Wonder if she will make it 20 years old?

I Never Intentionally Laugh At Someone

2011-03-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

I try really hard to not intentionally laugh at someone elses expense.. BUT, there is always an exception right? I got a text from Em's old bf last night. ( The one I like!) It read: Have you heard from Em? Is she all better now? I had to LAUGH. I had to share it with my husband and son. They too, got a kick out of it. That lead me to realize, nobody really has clue do they? If you are not in the situation of addiction, you are still innocent. Like if they go away to rehab in a few weeks they come out all better. Wouldn't that be nice? In a perfect world huh? I responded: How are you? I hope you are doing well! I am not sure if they ever get all better. But, no, we have not heard from her. Don't want to burst any one's bubble or laugh at their expense. And then I thought, our family's humor is pretty sad! Definitely not normal! But hey, we put the "fun" in dysfunction! Or we try! There is a recovery comedian. His name is Mark Lundholm. Emily has seen him several times at various institutions. For some reason he calls her up on stage each and every time. I appreciate his niche, but didn't find all of his act funny, like she did or does. I think humor goes a long way and is very healthy. And for some reason that text last night struck me and I was reminded to laugh. I am going to do it more often!

She is suppose to move today

2011-03-28T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well we have not heard a thing since I dropped of the stuff on Thursday. Emily is suppose to move to the Aster House today. I still get that "nervous" feeling, when I do not hear anything. But, I know I need to work on knowing she is safe, I am not in control and I have to "trust" the higher ups. I was reading the website. The program is not for 6 months it is for UP to 6 months. There is a difference. I read the criteria. Has to be a very high risk for relapse. Has to have a lack of sober tools, skills. Has to have no sober living situation. Of course that scared me. High risk for relapse. Great. Lack of sober tools or skills. Well since July of 2008, she has 25 months of rehabs, programs, therapy, so where are those skills or tools learned? No sober living situation, hummm our house is sober and I have given her the name and numbers of many sober living homes. She knows when and where every meeting in our town is. She has numerous names and numbers of sober people, here and around the country. I guess none of it matters. As she says, she is an adult and in charge of her recovery or relapse. Doesn't mean as a Mother, I don't worry or wish things could be different.

The Decision

2011-03-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

I talked to my husband and of course he wanted to go. However, his reasons were different than in the past. He wanted to say to her face some things that were on his mind. As we were talking about it, our "behind the scenes" guy stopped over. I feel like we were wolves jumping on him.. our savior... tell us what do!

He had some good words of wisdom and the outcome was my husband will write his thoughts in a letter with his clear boundaries. I will write something too. So that's what we did and I took it to the rehab today. Our letters, a pair of jeans, not many clothes left, cigs, $10.00 and a serenity necklace I had bought in October from a girl I had met in one of her other rehabs. I never thought she was ready for it.. but today I thought, why am I holding on to this, she may never be ready for it, but it might bring her comfort today.

My husband is reading many of the books I have laying around. I have figured out.. his learning process is on a totally different time frame than mine. But, thru the reading he has done, he was able to let go of the difference of opinions we had in regards of going. When he got home from work today, he asked if I had taken the stuff, I said yes. He said well good, that's probably all she wanted anyway. It was probably wasn't about seeing us.. it was about what we might bring.

I will tell you something else.. this is a state run rehab.. I pulled up behind police cars and cabs and more police cars and cabs pulled up behind. This is not a place I want to be. I felt myself getting anxious going in. I became very "energy" sensitive and couldn't wait to leave. I sat in my car for a minute before heading home and I thought... this is ok, I am allowed to have bad vibes and not want to be there. I have been to more than my share of visiting times at rehabs and I don't have to do anymore if I don't want to. My showing up is not gonna keep her there if she doesn't want to be there. My not showing up is not make her want it for herself. But my not showing up is going to give me less stress and anxiety and allow me to heal in my own time. And it doesn't mean next time there is a visiting day, I won't be there. And I am ok with that.
THANKS! Hugs, Kelly

5 More Days and I am thinking....

2011-03-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

Not to go.

I had some quiet time this morning. I laid in bed and thought about this from all angles.

First is what would my son think? He would think, since she is in rehab, we go running again. Not a good example to set for him.

Second: Do I think the program she is in now be the "one". No, I do not. My gut tells me, she needs the 2 year long term one, that we are willing to support, nothing short of that. So by going, I am showing her I support her plan or the plan that once again sets her up for failure.

Third: This is very honest, I can not get images of a crack head, junkie, stripper out of my head yet. They are in my head, but if she said something to tip me off, I don't trust myself not to let them come out in verbal form.

Fourth: My gut again, tells me, she only wants us there because everyone else had someone last weekend and she didn't. So she is feeling bad. Maybe she needs to feel bad for awhile to realize the magnitude of her actions, choices. She has never had to do that before in regards to rehabs.
I don't feel she , in her heart, really wants to see us, but the "idea" of us appeals to her.

So I am thinking I will make a 'statement' myself. I will be honest, I will say I am happy she has chosen to stay. I hope it works this time. I hope she wants it bad enough. We will be happy to assist in taking the steps to look into the long term place. I will take it to the place along with a few more clothes, $5.o0 and the cheapest cigs I can find.
She has very little clothes left. I think of Christmas, the times before that, we went shopping. All the money spend on nice things for interviews, warm Northface things for walking to work. Uggs to keep her feet warm.. all gone.. so I will not buy one more thing. She will get a few things that are left in our garage and need washing.

Today that is how I am feeling. My husband is out of town, so I can not go over my thougths with him. And who knows if it will change this week. But today, this is how I feel.
THANKS!
Hugs, Kelly

The Statement - From her

2011-03-20T09:35:00.000-07:00

Last night we got a call from a weekend staff employee at the state rehab. She wanted to read a "statement" from Emily to us.

First, the good news is, she still there. Can you say sleep? I slept very well last night.

The "statement" said : Emily would like BOTH of you to visit next Saturday from 12 to 2 pm, visiting hours.

She would like a few more clothes, $5.oo, and not necessary , but would be nice for a few packs of cigs and gave the brand, type.

I am on the fence about this. I have to think like an "addict".. which is self absorbed, manipulative, etc.

My guess is, since it was Saturday yesterday, the other girls had family visits and in good moods. Emily did not have anyone there, so she caved and agreed to have BOTH of us visit.
And, these other girls got clothes, money, cigs from their loved ones, so it is an opportunity for Emily to get some "stuff" too.

In the past, if there were family visits, I rearranged my schedule to be there.. no questions asked. I was armed with things for her and the other girls. Reward the recovery! Show you are proud of her and be there.

This time I do not feel like jumping or asking how high.

The only thing we have decided it will be both of us going or neither of us going. We will be united in that decision.

I have 6 days to think about it and make my decision. I believe my husband does want to go. So it will be on me... and I need to be OK with my decision. I am just not sure I am ready to go thru this all again, hopes up, support given, only to be let down. I don't know if I can take it.

Thanks! Hugs, Kelly

It's Not Better, but Thank You!

2011-03-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for comments and support! I am sorry I went MIA.. Let me tell you how I feel... maybe it will explain more.

I am at the point I am sick of the drama. I find myself blogging when things are being driven by the drama in my life and the question in my mind is, how does that drama fit into my recovery. It doesn't. How do I move on from the drama? One foot in front of the other and one day at time I guess.

But here is the sad update.

If you recall, Emily had been calling and texting me while trying to get checked in. I spoke with her case worker the weekend she was admitted.. and Monday morning. She got into the 2 week detox at the state place. She called for some clothes, money and cigs. More on that in a minute.

She was admitted on that Sunday morning.. 1 am. I woke up that day.. and this it! I am sick of this boy and his family rescuing her and keeping their door open so she can use. I called them. I told them if they gave her a ride, a meal, a shower anymore.. I would slap a restraining order on them. It was the step dad I was talking to. He said some pretty mean words and suggested I lose his number. I suggested he get a drug counselor for his sick sick family.

A friend of mine runs into them at the chiropractor office. His parents are taking him because his back hurts from sleeping in cars. So they take him 3 to 4 times a week. It couldn't be because he detoxing...

There was a warrant for his arrest and the police asked us to tell him if he was back in town. They would get him. So, I did as my local police asked me, I said he's back, going to the chiropractor. By 2 am they had and arrested him for the warrant and if you can believe it, he had just made a drug deal and drugs on him at the time of arrest. He is now out on bail or bond. Don't have to tell you paid that for him. I suppose he needs to go to the chiropractor more times a week for his back and having to sleep in jail.

Now it's the following Friday. March 4th. I tried calling Emily's counselor in detox. I am hoping to present the 2 year long term program and I know they will want to talk to her and stuff has to be faxed, etc. Also FL is calling me, they are delaying the trail down there, hoping she is able to attend. I call again Monday AM. Leave messages.

On Monday, I get a call from Emily. She proceeds to tell me that I am not allowed to talk to her counselor as she did not put my name on the release. Only Dad can talk to her counselor. I said , well FL would like to talk to you. She said FL is not on the release either. She said she is exercising her rights as an adult. I said, that's great, then you won't need any more clothes, cigs and money. She said you are manipulative, spiteful and hateful. This is my recovery, not yours. I said, well then good luck! And I hung up.

Needless to say, I was shaking mad! A week ago, it was me she was texting and calling. A million old feelings came rushing to me, there is something wrong with me, I can't keep doing this, etc.. I would say a mini anxiety attack.

I called my husband and he said, well you are being manipulative about the 2 year program and she is an adult.

That made me feel worst... I am going crazy? All I want to do is present it as an option. I am not forcing her to go, I am not manipulating her into going. I just want the counselor know it exists!

My husband got home and I had a long talk. I said, I am sick of being made out to be the bad guy. I am sick of fighting both of you. If we do not present a UNITED front this time, I want out of this marriage. Life is short and I refuse to live I am like I am the crazy one. I was then and I am now, serious about this. It is not a threat, not an ultimatum, it is the truth.

Wed. March 9th She starts calling her Dad. He refuses to answer. Asking what she would want. I said, she is out of detox on Monday the 14th. She probably wants you to find another place for her something. After "fighting" with about how long she has been there... he did believe it was almost 14 days. Of course I am wrong! I said, this is a prime example.. I am not crazy this time, I have the calendar on my side!

He said, well I will call her counselor tomorrow and say I will not talk to her unless her mother is on the call too. I said, well maybe the counselor will be busy, maybe you should take Emily's call tonight and tell her and then set it up so we are all on the same page. He kept refusing.. I am like why? This could drag on. He finally admitted that he was afraid to talk to her because she might manipulate him. Ahhh there you have it! I said, well she can do that if you let her.. don't let her.. he said he didn't trust himself. Kuddos for honesty!

So the next day comes and he calls and leaves a msg for the counselor. Tells her the deal on her answering machine. 2 minutes later Emily calls him. Says this is *ull*hit. She says my mom is sicker than me, she needs more help than I do and my counselor agrees. My husband said, well I guess your counselor believes a lier! I refuse to discuss anything with you unless your mom is on the call. She says F, U to him and he says OK and hangs up.

It was nagging at me. Every other detox lead to her being much more humble, grateful, thankful, etc. She was not combative, mean, etc. Something is OFF this time. I chalk it up to crack.. she never did crack before. But I still have this nagging feeling.

My AHA moment

She added Joey and maybe his parents to her release form, because they are "soul mates". She found out I called his parents, she probably knows I am behind the arrest. Therefore I am sick, sicker than her. I might have taken away her chance to get drugs if she decided to check herself out being the adult that she is.

I presented this thought to my husband.. and he agrees! Gosh so different to have someone agree with me vs fight me on everything. He added this is why she isn't calling for more clothes , cigs or money, she is getting somewhere else.

As of today, from what we know, her plan is to go to Talbot Hall for 2 weeks. I am not exactly sure what Talbot does for the 2 weeks. I have been there for an assessment and it was possible place to admitted for detox and it has IOP. Joey is doing IOP there. Need I say more?

Then after this next 2 weeks, she is suppose to go to a 6 months womens program associated with the state rehab.

Having said this, she could be living with Joey at Joey's parents today for all we know. I would not put it past her.

I have talked to several young girls in recovery.. they have explained to me, Joey equals drugs. It's not a normal soul mate relationship.. it means she is not ready to give up drugs. Joey is drugs. Well guess what.. I can't control it. So I will go on with my life, the best I know how.

She was able to call every other day and chosen not to. She did not call on Friday, she did not call yesterday and we do not know where she is now.

But, we do know, we have to live. We have to find some amount of normalcy or even a smile or laughter in every day. We do know we might bury our daughter due to this disease. We do know she is an adult ( even if she is equal to a 12 year old in logic), so she can make her own choices. We do know her choices will cause a reaction in us and it may not be the one she wants or is looking for. We have found, (finally) being united works. I try not to bring her name up everyday. I try not to walk into her room. I try to move on. I try to be present and not think of the haunting things that might happen or have happened. And I just keep trying.
Thanks and Hugs, Kelly

Ask and You Shall Receive

2011-03-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

Thank You Everyone for your thoughts and prayers!

It's been a whirl wind of emotions , stress and worry, phone calls , etc.

Saturday about 3pm Emily texted she was waiting for a ride to detox/rehab. I texted back, OMG, I am so proud of you.

But then, I thought, knowing her, there is more to this picture. And there was, it was Joey's mom who was taking them. I reminded myself, she is an adult, her choices.

We jumped into action and called our "behind the scene" people. So they were ready and waiting for her. We told her what she needed to say to get in. Let's say we told her over 100 times. She said she did not understand. Two things, you are going to die if you keep going like this and you tried to OD and feel depressed and suicidal. Unfortunately, that is how you get in these places.
Talking to her, was, like nothing I have ever exprienced before. I just thought to myself, it is gonna take so much work to get even half of her back.

Well, she did not get in the detox/rehab. She did not do what we told her. Our "behind the scenes" people told us, 1. they do not admit couples. 2. Joeys' mom was doing the talking and Emily did not show them she wanted this.

There was 1 more place, it is more of a mental health place, but they do substance abuse assessments. Again, we told what to say and to distance herself from Joey and her Mom, or you won't get in. She kept saying, he is a lost soul too and needs help. His mom is so nice to drive us. We kept saying , you are in fight for YOUR life. So our behind the scenes people said if she get away from them, do as they said, they would admit her.

We also knew they would not admit Joey. First, he probably didn't really want it. 2nd, you don't go to AA/NA meetings in this town with a smirk on your face and steal from purses and coat pockets... and expect help.

At 1 am, we got a call, she was admitted. They gave her a meal, a shower, and some clothes. She was sleeping. She signed the consent papers so we could talk with her case worker.

Sunday about 6pm I called. I talked to her case worker. It was not good... Well, it's not her fault, but to hear the words, are hard to process. She said Emily has been in the underground drug culture for quite awhile. Black Tar Heroin Kills. She would not have made it more than 3 more days at the rate she was going. I asked about abcesses. They did not notice any.
The phone had freed up while we talking and she transferred me to Emily.

I don't even know what to say about our conversation. I am still a bit in shock. I thought it would take a lot of work to get half of her back on Saturday, but Sunday, I thought she is gone forever. I have never in my wildest dreams think, she would be so very unreachable. She said, this place sucks. I am sicker than a dog. They won't give me meds. I sit in my room hours on end alone. She said, I think I am gonna leave. I either need suboxen now, or I will just go out and OD and die, this isn't worth it.
None of this was said in her voice, or her voice as I remember it.

I hung up shaken.. very shaken. So my husband called the case worker and told her of my conversation. She said, Emily has been living in an extremely high risk environment. She is lucky to be with us at all. But, she would pink slip her and keep her against her will. They do not give out meds there. And we will see what Monday brings.

I said to my husband, I have a bad feeling this time. Usually if she has chosen to accept help, I breath again. Not this time. My husband said the same thing.. which he never does, so that scared me too. So we talked.. we brought ourselves to the conclusion we will probably lose her. We went over everything we did, we tried to console each other. We made ourselves agree we did all we could. We were not to blame. We will be the people in the grocery store, that everyone looks at and doesn't know what to say. We planned who we would go to for help. What sleeping pills we were willing to take to get thru it. We thought of everything we could to be prepared.

Monday morning. Her caseworker called and said she had just faxed Emily's paperwork to the detox/rehab. This takes hours and don't expect to hear anything for 6 to 8 hours. If she is turned down, there are 2 other places they can try. But, you can only try one at time. AND, then Emily has to agree.. and there are guarentees she will agree to go, given her current state.

All I can say, it takes a village. We got that village. And thanks to our behind the scenes people, who , I am sure worked tirelessly, within 20 minutes of the fax, Emily was accept and she agreed to go. Within 30 minutes, she would be transported.

We called today, she was in group, then had AA/NA meetings and homework. Health wise they felt she was ok, but they were waiting on blood work to come back. She can talk to us with her counselor only and if they had time they would call tonight. So far they have not. The detox is 14 days. She is on suboxen and will be tapered, per usual. However the last time she tapered off that, she went to hospital via ambulance, due to the extreme withdrawls. After that they may recommend rehab for 30, 60, or 90 days. But, we are still going present the 2 year , long term place as our only support. I am not going thru this again in 6 months, weather she does or not.

We made a plan for that call, because we know she will be asking for things. We have decided we will give her some clothes, that are in the garage. Shampoo, if she needs it, soap. But no money for the pop machine or pizza and no cigarettes... absolutely nothing else.

Thank you Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. It works! I am deeply grateful and appreciate it so much.
Hugs, Kelly

How Low is Low? Prayers Please

2011-02-25T10:37:00.001-08:00

I just haven't had the "energy" to post.
For the past 2 mornings, Emily has texted her Dad to say she wants help, will go to rehab. The house they were squatting in got busted. She was hand cuffed , but let go.. DARN! Pretty much everyone around her is being arrested or going to rehab.

She will text for awhile, saying they are breaking in cars to sleep. She texts early in the morning and quits by 10 or 11 am. I am assuming she wakes up sick, then gets a fix and forgets she wants help. She said she has not bathed in 9 days. She no access to water or food. She says she is very sick. She needs help immediately.

I can tell you, for once , my husband and I are on the same page. He is agreeing with everything and enforcing it. This makes it so much easier. One weight off the shoulders.

We are consistent in telling her.. get yourself to to detox and then we will talk. If she can get drugs, steal, convince the police to let her go, she can get herself to detox. We remind her that she is consistently telling us we can't do anything because she is an adult now. So adults take care of themselves. How bad do you want it?? If you want it bad enough, you will do what you have to to get yourself help. There are many detox places here, she knows what to say to get in.

We have a place we've been talking to for rehab. It is very long term and not easy. But, we are not jumping til we see she takes action. Even if she got herself detoxed, she might decide she feels "better" and not follow thru with our bottom line, long term rehab.

There was a mini blizzard here .. schools and businesses are closed today. I can't imagine living on the streets in this weather. I have to say it breaks my heart I can't give her a blanket or warm meal.. but, she has done this to herself. I just choose not to think about that end of it.

But, it feels good not to back down. To hold firm.
I just wanted to ask, that you keep her in thoughts and prayers these days. I believe it takes a village of prayer. I need to build that village.
Thanks!
Hugs, Kelly

Still Out there, Still Gone

2011-02-22T07:54:00.000-08:00

We were hit with yet another winter storm. As my son paced the floors waiting to hear if there was snow day last night, I paced behind him, worrying about Emily being cold, wet, hungry. And let me tell you.. I know this is what she needs to do to reach another bottom... doesn't make it easier.

I did go away this weekend. I was really on the fence about it, but I went. My friend is understanding and patient. I had one request when I left. That my husband get rid of Emily's pile of stuff in our garage that is next to my car. I hate getting out, looking at all her stuff, getting in my car.. seeing all her things she doesn't care about, including shampoo. So it is all packed up and yet another bed ready to go to the garbage tonight.

Her boyfriend, or should I say , old boyfriend and I have been texting. He is hurting. I am in shock he even cares. He is young, I would think he could move on quickly.. but he is struggling. He thanks me for understanding and listening. My god, could she have let a "normal" one go? I think so. She probably doesn't think she deserves him.. and right now, she doesn't. But in some way, this has been healing for me.. texting with him. Even if I am telling him to set his boundaries, be strong, understand addiction.. it helps me.

Friday night, I got a text from him, that scared me. It read:
Sorry. Worked all day. Been torn on the inside. No idea where the house is but I know she is working at Columbus Gold ( strip club). For the record I didn't tell you anything. I don't wanna be involved with anything of this sort anymore. Good Luck, please get that girl some help. I don't want anything to come back and haunt me.

Yesterday he texted me, said he saw her.. just wanted to let me know she was alive. He said:
I have come to realize it's pretty harsh. When I hung out with her last Thursday all she did was cry in my arms. Wasn't my happiest moment.

Makes me think of my Octopus post.. it reaches and sucks you in.

My Mom called this weekend. I wasn't here. My husband talked to her and told her everything. I shelter my Mom anymore.. she is getting older and she worries. Last summer we had that fight about her worrying about me and not understanding why I worry about my daughter. So I don't' tell her much any more. So now I have added worrying about my Mom worrying about me to my list... The Octopus again...

Well off to put one foot in front of the other today.
Thanks, Kelly

Well... She is Gone for now

2011-02-15T15:22:00.001-08:00

First Thanks Ron for your comment. I do know all you are saying is true. But, I also know I will do whatever it takes to save her life when push comes to shove... including having her in our home to call places to find a bed or program. Most places ask why the parent is calling, they want to hear from the potential resident.

My husband went to meet her. She was late. They never made into BW3... as he got right down to business since she was late. She admitted she relapsed. Didn't need to take the drug test, it would be dirty. Said it was only twice in the last 2 days. But we know different. He offered help. She wasn't budging. Then he broke down crying and she said IF she went it would be for him only. He said he would take that as a reason... as good as any he told her. Push came to shove and she said, I am a loser junkie, I don't care what happens to me.

When she realized he wasn't feeding her , going grocery shopping with her or giving her money, she couldn't wait to get out of the car.

He couldn't pin point her down as to where she is actually living. She has no clothes. IF she had asked, he has some of her clothes in his trunk, but she didn't ask. She is extremely skinny, ashen skin and dirty.

So he said, please don't call me until you are ready to get help. And dropped her off on some corner.

He was crying so hard, he couldn't drive, had to pull over for quite a while.

He got home, we both cried, still are ...

I looked on facebook ( shame on me). 16 hours ago she posted, getting a house with the 3 bestest boys ever.

I looked on Joey's facebook, it said, got a house with friends, party is here.

There it is.

The only thing that gives my husband hope, so he says, is Joey is stupid, she is stupid when she is with him, so they will be in jail verses dead.

It has already taken over her mind, it is doing the thinking for her. It will be her God now. It will guide her choices and decisions, she won't, she gave up her power to a more powerful thing called Heroin.

Another piece of my heart is gone. At least it's still beating.

A Garbage Bag of Clothes was Stolen

2011-02-15T05:59:00.000-08:00

Yes you read that right, Emily's garbage bag of clothing was stolen. Go figure. After we got home from our not so nice dinner, actually the food was wonderful, it was the conversation.. but it had to be done.. my husband got a text from Emily, that her clothes were stolen.

First, I said, well darn good thing she works at Goodwill, she can replace them easily enough. Then I thought, crap , I wouldn't even donate her clothes to Goodwill, I would, with rubber gloves take them to the tree lawn for the garbage man.

She was not responding to his texts back. I said to him, I hope this seals the deal with you, that she is spiraling down fast. I said who steals her clothes, unless she is using, and like last time, that's all these losers have to do to her, is destroy her clothes, she has nothing else. I said when she uses a lot, she makes a lot of enemies quickly. I said next call, she will be hysterical.. watch.

Yep, she called and was emotionally hysterical. It was this hysteria that got her in rehab last year at this time. Can you admit your life has become unmanageable? Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? There is a pattern here.. how come I feel like I am the only one that gets that? There is that " I thought I married a smart man" saying.

So he got her to agree to meet him. She is not telling where is she staying. Now this gets weird, I said to my husband didn't you drop her off where she is staying when you moved her? He said, hummm no.. she walked away with a garbage bag of clothes, acting mad at me. I said oh gawd.. don't you get this? She doesn't want you to know. She is using again!

So today they are meeting at BW3. He is armed with 2 drug tests. Incase she says the first one is wrong, there is back up. 2 different kinds. Thank you Ebay!

The plan is: If the tests are positive and she refuses help. He walks away. No contact til she is ready for help. If the test are positive and she wants help. We will bring her here for a very short time, til we can find a program, rehab, sober living, military.. whatever.
If the tests are clean and she wants to continue living the way she is living.. fine, have a nice life. If it's clean and she wants help, she can come here for a short time, til she gets into a positive program, involving some kind of trade, education, etc

My plan today, instead of pacing the downstairs.. wearing out my carpeting.. I am going to take a long walk.. it's a little warmer here and the sun is out and I might just go to the woods and scream.. it felt good last night, so good I feel the need to do it again.

Walking to School and Packed Lunches

2011-02-15T05:26:00.000-08:00

Walking to School and packing lunches. There was nothing wrong with that. If I took a poll most of us would say we did it as kids. Heck, I was still taking the big yellow bus to school my sophomore year because I wasn't 16 until my junior year.

Well that is what I made my son do today. Let's say it was NOT a good Valentines Day here.

Let's start with the nice dinner my husband tried to take me to and I tried to tell him, I am not in the "mood". Who can think of food when my daughter is on a downward spiral and I can't stop it and I feel the only out come will be 6 feet under or if she is lucky an 8 x 10 cement room with bars.

During dinner, I had to express my concern.. it's on my mind. I had to reach my husband, I had to add up the facts to him. I could not back down , I could not shrug my shoulders in defeat and think, just wait ,wait til something bad happens. Finally he said.. ok I will call her and tell her I am coming down tomorrow and bringing a drug test. I said, you don't tell her your bringing a drug test. You can't give her a clue.. how many times, are you/we gonna make the same mistakes over and over. I finally said, you are a smart man, that is one thing I loved when I met you, you challenged my brain. But, you have quit thinking with your brain and our daughter, you use your heart and I don't understand how a smart man can do that anymore when the situation is so dire.

I said allow me to ask you some questions. Do you feel with her DOC, that if she is not fanatical in her recovery she will make it? He said yes, I agree with that. I said do you agree that with her DOC, she will end up either in jail or dead? He said yes, I agree. The light bulb went off.

We made a plan.. a quick plan, but at least it's something for now.

I will explain the plan in the next post.. because really this one was about walking to school and packed lunches..

My husband went upstairs randomly last night.. smelled something. Oh yes, my son had just smoked pot up there. Begging my husband not to tell me, saying another Holiday ruined for Mom, she can't take it. Little did he know, my Holiday was over the day before.

I haven't yelled in a long time, honestly, I know it does not good. But I yelled and honestly, it felt good. I yelled this crap is illegal.. my kids are to respect the fact this is MY home and I don't accept having illegal substances in it. And, this little pot, leads to other things.. you can easily inherit addiction from this family!

I said hand over your keys, your phone, your ipod, your bank card. Go get me your computer router and your xbox live. And then get your butt to bed. He then had the nerve to ask me for lunch money. I said no, pack your lunch, there is plenty of food here.

Fast forward to 8am. My husband finds him still in bed sleeping. Over slept. Imagine, you smoke pot and you dont' get up for school. He is begging my husband to wait and take him to school. That's when I got involved. I said no, you can walk and without a note from me. It's unexcused.

All I can think is swim districts are this weekend. Any other year, he would have been up at 4:45 am for practice for the big weekend. And he would have made States.

Instead, I have decided that I am going to drive to him NA meetings, his jobs and more counseling. Let him hear the stories in the rooms when the people say, I started smoking pot and drink in my teens. Let him see that walking to school will be no different than walking to a dead end job because he has chosen to smoke some pot.

Some may this is harsh or I am strict because my choices of punishment. But you can't be to harsh or strict with the war on drugs in your family. Maybe if we went back to the walking to school, packing lunches, taking away all the electronics these kids are so attached to, there might a less of a drug problem. When you pick up a little phone and text to get something almost instantly, there is a problem. And this ain't my first rodeo, this takes prisoners, I know, I won't let it happen again.. or at least I will go down fighting , maybe flinging lunch meat on my way.

If it walks like duck, quacks like a duck..It probably is a duck!

2011-02-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would give the sad, but true update. The dank water is becoming a flood. There are not enough mops left to clean it up today.

My husband went down to get the rest of her stuff. She never showed up. She didn't answer his calls or texts. He was talking to the roommate that let him in. He started asking the roommate questions, like this doesn't seem right? You said you were moving out due to the robberies. He said I am, but in March. Well why does Emily have to be out, when she paid her rent. Well she hasn't paid her rent. We have gotten 50.00 from her once.

The kid did not want to "rat" her out... but said enough. Said he introduced her to his best friend, her b/f.. but they are fighting. He doesn't know why. She barely stays there. She is not hanging around good people. The roommates do not trust who she brings over. My husband flat out asked if she was using.. he said, he has seen no physical evidence of that here, but her actions speak louder. So they bagged all her stuff up and put it in his car.

My husband said to me, she is exhibting dry drunk syndrome.

That's when I lost it. I said, listen to me, with all your AA, Alanon training.. IF it walks like duck, quacks like a duck.. it's probably a DUCK!

With a heavy sigh, he agreed.

He said, I thought she had hit her rock bottom before, not once, not twice, but many times, but my gut is telling me it's gonna get a lot worst this time.

I said, we stick to what I have been saying for years now... no help unless she wants rehab again, long term. Nothing else... there is nothing we can give her to make this go away. There are no more trips to move her out, set her up, again unless it's rehab.

I can remain strong when talking with him. I can say the right things, I can put on a face for my son,.. but it's back. I should not be shocked, because I have known this in the back of my head, the gut feeling and the heavy heart... but now it's back out in the open.. and inside I am dying a little more.. another chip at my already lost soul and heart.

Let Go, Let God. I must chant this in my head today, tomorrow. With a heavy heart I will try.

Part 3: The past isn't alway just the past

2011-02-13T09:09:00.000-08:00

The past can haunt you.. it doesn't matter if you live one day at time or one moment at a time. It's there.. and it can seep in like that dank water... out of your control.. and the Let Go, Let God becomes not as easy as you think.

After the moving days, ( which is still going on today), after the "shocking" news of Andy's coworker.. I get another call. My friend, Kim. Her son and Emily were friends. I have written about them. Her son did the wilderness, while Emily went to therapy school.. has news I should be aware of. She knows not tell me "gossip" or "bad" things. That I have requested a break from it. Instead of putting my head in the sand, I will put my head in the big snowbank for awhile. In other words, I need a break. So when she calls to tell me the latest, she feels I need to know.

While I am on the phone with her, I am walking around looking in corners for that smell.

Joey has been finally kicked out his house. He and this other kid David were living in David's car. Until they crashed it. It was impounded. Searched. They got possession of illegal substance, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods. They are couch surfing, living on the streets and have a court date Feb 28th.

Ok, but this exactly what I don't want to know.. I don't care about any of them.. except my own. Good riddens. Where is my snowbank? Well it's melted in house and starting to smell..

Put 2 and 2 together. Emily's apt was broken into.. several times. These boys were friends with the guys Emily lived with.
And guess where Joey and David are getting their heroin?? Ronnie and Rusty.

I can let go, let God, but, I can also lock my house tight and put on the alarm again.

I was forced to pull my head out of the snowbank , because it melted and seeped into my house.

And the past is staring me in the face, my family and my son

And to live one day at a time, also means to plan for the future and don't discount the past.

It also means being tested time and time again

And, to grab that mop and keep my area clean. But it's not easy and a lot of hard work.

Let Go, Let God part 2

2011-02-13T08:44:00.000-08:00

This topic needs several posts ..remember that water seeping in... it's getting knee deep now.

Since my son is not swimming his senior year of school, has early dismissal at school, I told him he needs a second job. I have been telling him since October. He also could not go on weekend nights until he had that 2nd job... it wasn't until the last month that he put a lot of effort into it and was getting turned down or interviewing and not getting it. I saw he was putting effort into it finally.

It was my husband's birthday Feb 2nd.. our tradition is to surprise him for a nice dinner. Well this year due to the storm, the restaurants were closed... but I didn't think they would be, so I did not plan on making a meal. That left us all wondering what's for dinner? So we called a few places and Jimmy Johns was open. Andy went to get our dinner.. while he was waiting for the subs he was talking to the managers.. they said, you have great personality, are looking for a job? He said, as a matter of fact yes! They said come in this weekend and meet the head mgr. He did that, got the job!

He was happy, I was happy. There is hope yet!

Thursday was his orientation. Thursday was when my husband was on campus moving Emily. I was calling him about dinner, Andy was texting him about W-2's he had to fill out, Emily wasn't where she was suppose to meet him... the cluster muck night.

Andy worked 3 pm to 8pm. He came home, and in a tone said, you will never guess who works there? I said.. oh gawd.. Joey ( em's partner in crime, she lives with parents after she stole our checks and cc).. he said no, but you are on the same track.. I am thinking ok then, whatever name I said, it won't be as bad as I thought...

The water is seeping in without my knowledge now

I went thru a few names.. It was Ronnie. Now I have never mentioned him before.. because it's the past and we have been thru so much since him. But, he is the first boy she met here. The one that introduced her to the lifestyle and people in this town that supply what you want. He is the one that molested her in the skate park. He is the one that bashed my husbands car in with a baseball bat to the tune of 7k. His Dad is the one that stalked me when my husband was out of town. He followed me. He made crude comments. I was asked to testify in court and I chickened out.. out of fear for our family and myself.

The water is getting dank now..there is slight hint of stench

Andy said Ronnie asked him if he hated him? Andy's reply was hey man, I don't get into that stuff. Andy must have forgotten he went after Ronnie several times.. for the jugular.. and chased him the night the car was bashed in with us screaming.. let him go, he has a bat!

Ronnie has a twin, Rusty. Rusty basically lived with us for awhile. But you know blood is thicker than that water seeping in. Rusty showed up to get a sub. Rusty got the sub for free, so Andy thinks Rusty works there too.

I asked if Jimmy John's drug tests? Andy said, they do if you get in an accident delivering or have a work accident, but not to get the job. He said, but they should... these guys look walking death, it's like there are no brain cells left.

My mind is going a mile a minute. These boys will not get to my son! I think maybe I should go in during the day, and ask that Andy not be scheduled with them. I think I should tell Andy to quit. He needs a job, but not THAT bad. I want to grab that mop and start mopping up this dank water... from the past.

I talk to a few friends, they convince me to let it go for awhile. That Andy is a good kid, he will be alright. He can stick up for himself. He will quit if he doesn't like it.

In other words.. Mom, let go, let God.
One day at time and tomorrow is a new day
But that could mean the water is getting deeper.. and it does.

Why is Let Go, Let God, so hard??

2011-02-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Let Go, Let God..

I know this, I believe it, it has been drilled into my head in recovery for the whole family. But I am here to say, it's not easy. ( or as my role in this world , as a Mother)

The other thing that is not easy, is the past, it seeps in like water.. old dank water.. waiting to be mopped up..only you don't realize it was there until it starts smell.

I had one day last week.. that I just wished it would end.. because I also believe tomorrow is a new day.. but tomorrow can be like the old dank water.. people forget to tell you that part of it.

Shall I start with Emily? She had to be out of her apt last week. There were more than 3 break ins. After the first one, the items were replaced, to be restolen. So the guys on the lease want out. The landlords agreed. So the landlords want in there to clean, paint, get rid of the mice, etc.
The guys have had enough and are moving home with their parents. They are sick of the lifestyle, having no money, etc. Only Emily can't do that..she can't move home.

So my husband goes down to campus 2 days last week, borrowing my son's truck to move her.. oh and did I mention it was 2 coldest days we've had yet? His words were "this is a cluster muck". She didn't tell him she had to work at 6pm when he got there at 5:15pm. She didn't tell him she doesn't have a key because they changed the locks. Things like that... So the result as of today is we have a garage full of her stuff.. that should be in a dumpster.. that I am afraid might have bugs or mice. And, she has no place to live. They took some clothes to some girl I didn't know apartment, who happens to live across the street from her boyfriend. This girl offered her a place to live, but only for a few nights til she could find somewhere else. Her boyfriend will let her live with him, but she doesn't want to, I believe she wants to break up.

This is difficult. Even if she is using.. I want her safe. I also know safe does not mean living at home. In fact, the triggers here are huge... less safe in the using department.

My husband came home, talking out of both sides of his mouth, which confused me more. I opened the dialogue by saying, I feel like you want her home? He said I think it would be good idea. BUT, she is lazy and that would drive us all nuts, she can get what she wants in this neighborhood, the fighting, the accusing, it won't work.

Then I asked if he was going to set her up in an apt with our money again? He went back and fourth on that. Saying it might be necessary , then saying, I learned my lesson twice on that.

By my questions or comments, I try to get him to speak the words that need to be said or the help that he/we are willing to give... this is my goal in the conversation. To set our boundaries , agree on them, without him knowing I am doing it. Not an easy task.

So for every situation he felt she faced that he could help with , I presented AA, Alanon, or our therapy ideas. For example : She keeps saying she wants to go to school. Ok then, as the Beacon house said, fill out the paper work, applications, aide, etc. Her excuse is I don't have a computer ( sold that), well call us and set up a time to come home and use ours. Or we can meet a library. She says she doesn't have money for food. Ok, take a drug test, if you are clean, we will help with some groceries and we are willing to help you figure out a budget. Learn to budget. She never made thru a program long enough to get the independent living skills side of things. As I have a come back for the obstacles he says she presents to him, his wheels are turning...

He says things like she only calls me in crisis or a situation. When things are going good for her, she can't talk, she is too busy. She chooses to sleep all day on her days off vs planning for the future, like filling job apps, college apps, sending her CD's out, etc. It's like he is convincing himself we are doing the right things with these boundaries.

Then he says, but she is only 19, we all make these mistakes at 19. If she needs help, I am gonna help my daughter..

So I think this whole conversation is a waste again. Until ...I remember the "ammunition".. and I hate to think of it like that.. But, I say... what about that saying...
Let Go, Let God... Check mate.

He proceeds to tell me what he is willing to do. OK then.

That involved signing up on roommates.com as her. He finds a an apt that want a female roommate for 6 months at 200.00 a month. It's right by where she is now, she can walk to her jobs, etc. He calls and tells her all excited. Then.. I hear him say.. well aren't you at least going to call them? He hangs up disappointed all his efforts were in vain.

Today, he is hanging around the house, waiting for her to get up, tell him where she is, so they can go meet the landlord with the key to get the rest of her stuff out.

Meanwhile, my chant today is Let Go, Let God.

Progress??

2011-02-08T06:49:00.000-08:00

I have not personally talked to Emily since I found the pipe in her purse, which she claimed was not hers. Which I did not believe , but her ever supportive Father did. This is our routine, when she knows I know.. she calls her dad. I am avoided. Which is fine with me actually.

So she and my husband made plans to meet on Sunday at 1pm. We have somethings she left here and her taxes, misc mail. He was running late and called to tell her that. She was fine with it and said just text me when you get off the highway and I will be outside waiting. So he texts, calls, texts, calls all the way to the front door. No answer. He gets out and puts her stuff on the front steps and is getting back in the car when she comes out. Sorry, I was sleeping! I just got up! Just wait 10 minutes and I will get ready.

He said forget it. I know you can get up and set your alarm for work, meeting your boyfriend, going to a party or concert, but not for your dad. And by the way, you look hung over or like you have been up all night, I suggest you go back to Step 1. And he left.

I was out running errands and surprised to see his car in the driveway when I got home. I had not even sat down when he told me all this. He was pacing. His phone was going with texts from her. He was ranting, I do so much for that girl and she can't even get up to meet with me for lunch? She was over 2 hours late at Thanksgiving, Christmas. Who does she think she is? You know.. I am sure you've all heard similar before. .. from someone.

So all I said was, I am glad to see you set a boundary and stick with it. Your time is worth more than being stood up by your daughter.

Now normally, he would have waited, then been home late to watch the game with our son. He would have said, well, you know Emily, she was late, her ADD, typical Emily and I had to wait.

I will be honest, for a brief minute, not second, whole minute.. I felt bad for her. I thought if she looses her Dad, she has no one.

Then I thought this is what has to be done. This is what I have been praying for..

So I really hope this some progress for her to recover????

Background or the water under the bridge

2011-01-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Tori asked in a comment, the background of Emily sounded similar to her child.. but I never finished it. I was copying my posts from ODR in the beginning.. got a new computer and it won't copy any more for some reason.

I think the problems started at age 12 or 13 when we moved from Cleveland to Columbus. Not saying we wouldn't have the same outcome had we stayed in Cleveland.. I just can't answer that. All the signs were there.. not turning in homework, friends were more important than family, consequences made no differences, not being where she said she was.. etc.

Then came the sneaking out, ppl dropping her off at the top of development, us not knowing her friends, changing schools ( thinking that was the solution)... a suicide attempt. Finding pot, pipes, a few little pills, some beer cans, vodka bottles around. Around age 15 -16.

Conflicts at home between my husband and I. He felt it is was normal experimentation.. everyone is doing it. Many therapy appointments, addiction specialist, individual counseling, etc. I remember saying.. the only way to get my husband to see there is a problem is if she gets caught by the law.. while I was saying that to my friend, it was happening! She was 17.

So July of 2008- we took her to a therapy school. Starr Commonwealth. She spend 9 months there. Started home visits and started sneaking out again.. only to use heroin. She missed a 25K college scholarship for music therapy because of her behavior at the school and checked herself out 2 days after she turned 18. April 2009. Thank god she graduate high school there.

She had money coming when she turned 18, we took the money to get her an apt. Paid 6 months and she was evicted in 3 weeks. Partying, underage drinking, noise.

She moved in a heroin house. No running water, no electric.. you know the type. I got a call from a friend of hers that she was out of control.. sick. Got her to come home and go the hops for an infection in her foot, due to a dirty needle. By June of 2009, she was slowly dying. She agreed to go to an adult rehab. Glenbeigh. Did 35 days there, paid some of it with her money. We spent Father's Day at the rehab, family day. Ha! Then did their step down program until Aug.

Left there for a sober living in Delray Beach Fl. The company is no longer in business. But, she was using shortly.. roxy's and oxy's. Got kicked out of there.. lived in a bed bug infested motel room with some guy she met. I tried to get the Marsh Act.. we were not supporting or in communication during this time. She called and said it was too much, she was going back to the sober living. She had been there 1 or 2 weeks in Oct of 2009.. and was brutally raped and beaten. She was trying to sell an ipod she had stolen. I spoke to the police det. He told me if it was his daughter he would come get her.. Delray is not place for a young girl in recovery, he has no clue why so many recovering people flock there. I went to get her. She moved home.

We jumped into action.. counseling, rape advocacy, girls group with her old counselor, etc. She got a job at our local Starbucks. We were working on getting her driving temps. ( I never felt right letting her get her license) Within 3 weeks.. she was back at it with old friends here. She stole our credit cards, checks, got caught, went to jail.. week before Thanksgiving. Got out of jail and went to live with her dealer and his parents.. just down the road. The few times I saw her, her hands were full of needle marks. We kept our message clear, repeated over and over, detox, a program, or don't call us.

I got a call Jan. 2010 from a woman from Macy's. She was caught stealing. She wanted to talk to me. She asked me to come get her.. I said only if I take you to detox. She said OK. Well it was a level 1 snow storm.. and we missed the intake time. She had to come home. We tried again .. she got in and they said she qualified for our State rehab, only problem it could be up to 10 weeks to get in, you have to call every day. Long story short, my husband was travelling, sending me mixed message on what my "babysitting" job should include and not include. Like meetings.. I was in my jammies and she wanted to go to a meeting.. there was only 20 minutes left.. it was cold , rainy.. he told me to take her.. there would be people to talk to her.. but she went to find someone to party with. He told me, how could I be trusting and take her to the meeting, knowing there be people using there.. That was my breaking point. I kicked them both out.. She had lied to me about work, had me take her there, she was in her uniform and all, and she never went. Things like that. Kicking them both out was the best thing I ever did.

He found a reasonable rehab, Neil-Kennedy. She went there. I never attended any weekends. It was my son's swim season and I needed him to know, I was not running to her every time she choose to do the right action. I had quality time with him, while my husband went to all the family things at the rehab. It was exactly 1 year ago. She had a horrible detox, ending up in the hosp due to the suboxen. But, she claims it was the best rehab, no frills, bottom of the bottom and she couldn't believe she ended up there.. so that's why it was the best in her eyes..she learned the most. They kept her as long as they could.. til they or us found another program. I was pushing for a 2 year program in NC. Venture Recovery. She spoke with them and she felt it would be too hard for her. Duhhh. And it didn't help her counselor said it sound like a commune.

In Feb or March of 2010 she went to the Beacon House. She did well. By May or June she was 5/6 months sober. We were repairing our relationship. I saw the old Emily coming back. She never looked healthier. She got her charges dismissed here, did her deposition for the case in FL. Got her temps. But, all good things come to an end. She got herself kicked out. Due to a homeless alcoholic guy. Which I think I write about here. She then went to the Salvation Army. My husband then got her an apt there, so she could have her support. She did good for about 2 weeks, doing IOP, etc. Then I believe her paid for apt became a party place. The apt blding was going in foreclosure.. so she had to get out. She moved herself back to Columbus. She is currently living in the basement with 2 guys as roommates. She has a job. She claims she is 1 year sober as of last Saturday. In spite of the pretty pink glass blown pipe I found in her purse. Her words: "You are never gonna believe this, but it's not mine". Your right, I don't believe it, but guess what, my husband does.. and took her to get her 1 year coin.

So that sums up the background. Leaving out all the drama, phone calls, crisis, lies, manipulation, hosp visits, appointments, etc.
Hugs, Kelly

I am not Shocked or Surprised...

2011-01-08T20:06:00.000-08:00

I was headed to bed last night, and my husband said, can you talk for a minute about something very serious??.. and I mean serious. I thought.. oh great, his company is being sold or they are laying off. It's a small company. We are part owners or partners. We own the paperclips.. but paper clips have good benefits after we paid them off. The CEO is my age. Type A personality. Has a posy of friends. He is very bright and plays as hard as he works. His wife happens to be the CFO. She is not an owner or shareholder thou. I used to hang out with them, til I couldn't keep up.. energetically or financially.

2 years ago she called me. We chatted, reunited, had lunches together. We talked about our husbands egos. We talked about feeling like single parents because they are always travelling. We talked about their drinking, we talked about the company paying for all the drinks. She told me her husband drinks more than I or anyone knows. It had gotten out of hand to the point he had a huge fight with his oldest son one night. Swore off drinking and the next morning he had vodka in his coffee cup in the porch. She knew I had been through alot... I suggest Hazeleton or Betty Ford. He is always out of the office any way.. nobody would know. Time goes by, nothing changes if nothing changes.

We haven't done a lot with them in awhile. Mainly, my husband quit drinking and they are in the "fast" crowd. We have rented their condo in Naples FL, we have laughed on Facebook. But we aren't back and fourth at each other's houses anymore. My husband has described himself as the Kissinger of the company. He is now the quiet peace keeper during or after the deals are being made. He is not, fast , slick, deal maker anymore. He is not going to martini bar after anymore.

Well last night he told me, the CEO called him last Monday and said his wife kicked him out. Said he made her ill and she is done. What can he do? He can't live without her. She said it was due to his drinking. I am not shocked or surprised... like others. My husband suggested AA. Well 5 days later, he hasn't gone to a meeting and now feels his wife is at fault just as much as he is. He doesn't need to change, cause she is the one that kicked him out... so she is wrong. And besides that, he has quit drinking.. sometimes for 2 weeks at a time, so he can quit any time he wants. Sound familiar??

I know they were at their condo in FLA for Christmas. And he said they had a great time. I know every New Years Day they are home and have a big party.. a hung over party. I quit going a few years ago... I know she planned this to the minute. She wanted a nice Christmas for her 3 kids, then they had big plans for New Years and then she told him. I also know, it was not easy. I am not talking hundreds of thousands of dollars to be divided up.. I am talking maybe a few million. I know their nice lifestyle will change. I know he begged her before the economy crashed to sell her condo in FL and invest in something else.. and it was hers, her inheritance from her dad.. and she refused and he was mad.. but I know, she knew she would do this some day and needed that. It was hers.. all hers and she needed it for later on.

I also know his ego might be slightly bigger than my husbands and he does not get it and will not get it. I know he has been at the Cleveland Clinic for IBS for years and is always trying some new experimental procedure to get well. I know his grandma died of alcoholism. Liver shut down... after being sober for 14 years and relapsing.

I know we are all in our 40's and thinking if I am not happy and life has gone by so fast so far, why should stay in some unhappy relationship for the next 40? There is more to life.

I also know, even thou this is personal, what will happen to the company with the CEO and CFO divided? You can't take sides. You also can't ignore the well being of the company and employees. My husband would be considered top heavy.

So I am not surprised or shocked.. but I am worried. And I am very sad.. this disease has hurt another family. More kids will be effected. More lives destroyed for awhile. It very much saddens me.

Brought To Tears....

2011-01-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have a thread on ODR. More on that in a minute. But I wanted to share the 2 posts I woke up to today.

First one is from an Administrator:

You mothers and father are an inspiration on how to detach healthily from your addict children.. ( healthily, is that a word?) I am very happy to see that this forum gets used as much as it does. Not only do you help yourselves and each other but no telling how many other parents, who just come here to read, have gotten help and inspiration from you guys! Thanks and God Bless all of you.

Krish, this thread alone is a gem. It shows an almost daily journal of your progression from a very distraught co-dependant enabler to the happy and peaceful beautiful lady you are today. You deserve every good thing that comes your way.

The next one is from someone I am not familiar with:

Krish
I must add to what xxxx said. Not only do you give inspirations to other parents but I am sure you have given inspiration to many addicts as well. I came to this thread late, but I have read the entire thing. It has given me inspiration and insight into what I was putting my own mother through; and what it would it would do to her if I kept using. She has tried to be so calm and strong for me; she always tried to hide the effects everything was having on her because she knew I was going through the fight of my life. ( She didn't know about my addiction until I told her which was a couple months ago when I first decided I was going to get clean). Anyway when I was having intense cravings and coming close to giving in those first few dark days I would come on this thread and read for an hour or two. I would think about my mother and that was usually enough to stop me from using; plus it killed an hour or two at a time :). But seriously I would come and read; with tears streaming down. I would walk away never wanting to use again. Thank you for sharing. I wish you and your family the best.

Who knew? I was literally crying this AM and very humbled. These posts touched me. I don't believe there is silver lining in addiction, but if there was one.. this would be it!

ODR is Opiate-detox Recovery public forum board. I had to go back and look, but I made my first post on Spet 12, 2009. That is not to say, when I first started dealing with my daughter's addiction, it's when I found out there was such a forum. My thread is under Friends and Family: My Daughter.

I was a lurker at first. I read and read.. and all I got out of it was hopelessness, despair, ugliness. It scared me. But I posted eventually. Basically I think I went there to whine to others who understood the anger I had that my family was destroyed. Vent my jealousy of other mother's and their daughters. To express my hurt that went to my very core. To tell how every Holiday sucked and so did a ringing phone. I wanted to hear.. it's ok to feel that way.. get sympathy or empathy. I got that... AND MUCH MORE. I heard other sides, I learned I needed to recover too. I met some fantastic friends along the way, some I speak to daily.

Today is not the first day I have been brought to tears from this thread, from post from people I do not know personally. I guess it's my "high", my silver lining in this whole mess.

Thanks ODR!
Hugs, Kelly

Out with Old, but does the Old ever go out?

2011-01-04T07:55:00.000-08:00

I hope everyone had a peaceful Holiday Season. Our was certainly peaceful and calm and drama free.. oh what to do when that happens? I am not used to it!

Like most of the country, the cold followed us to Florida. We had one beach day, Christmas day. This picture is of my son, my Mom and step father as we left Jupiter for Orlando. The day my husband and son went to Universal, Adventureland closed down for too many people. Just our luck. No new Harry Potter ride for them. FYI: We bought the passes many months in advanced, guess they over sold tickets. We also purchased the express passes for 60.00 a piece and they are not good for Harry Potter and they are only good for 1 time per ride. If you want to ride a ride twice, the 2nd time you will have to wait the 3 hours.

My gift came true. No phone calls from Emily, no drama, no crisis, whew. I think I am conditioned to deal with crisis, that it bordered on boring. I was not on high alert. I think something physical actually happens, you body relaxes, the bricks start to lift, a heavy sigh and lightness occurs. All this addiction stuff has turned me off from even enjoying a drink anymore. Guess what? I had several enjoyable drinks. Who can turn down a Pina Colada on the beach Christmas Day from a nice bartender with an Irish accent?

The day after Christmas, 2 good things happened. My Mom wanted to go shopping and get Emily a gift. She has not acknowledged her graduation, birthdays or Christmas's for years now. She did not want to give cash, but wanted my help in picking something out. Knowing her so well, she is practical. I suggested a blow dryer and/ or curling iron or flat iron. Emily seems to have lost, left or otherwise misplaced those things. Or shoes. My Mom loves shoes ( well what woman doesn't). But she is a sucker for a good pair of shoes. She always brought the Stride Rite for school. The good snow boots. Uggs for her college age grandkids. So we settled on Sperry Topsiders. Went down memory lane, when she bought mine at this age. Now they canvas, sequence ones, gold, black glitter ones. We got the classic ones. Both Grandma and Emily were happy.

The 2nd thing that was good. My husband got me a spa treatment at the resort we were staying at for that afternoon. WOW. I haven't splurged on myself like that in a long time. I got a Swedish massage on a warm bed. I flipped over and got a facial. Of course the woman doing the services, got information out of me and she felt bad and gave me an extra facial thing.. took the first layer of skin off my face. I never did that before.. but I glowed afterwards! Next I went to the steam room, took a nice shower with all their products, and then got a deep hair condition and style. When I was done, my husband and son were not back in the room. I know this sounds trivial, but when you are traveling with 2 guys and all the hotels are 1 small room and 1 bathroom, it was nice to come up to a quiet room, look at my clothes, take a minute to decide what to wear, actually try a few things on and not get dressed in a small steaming bathroom. It does a Mom wonders, the night was theirs and I was in good mood to follow whatever they wanted to do. Even if that included finding a loud wings place to watch sports.

On the way home, I got sick. Andy had been sick on xmas, I got it. Only those young kids can recovery more quickly. Mine is still lingering. Nothing worst than being in a car for hours feeling horrible and not having your own bed at night when you are blowing your nose and can't breath.

Emily knew we had stuff for her. Or I had Grandma's gift and I had hit some great sales and got her a few things. So she said she would come over on New Years Day. 3pm. She also wanted my traditional dinner of pork, kraut and mash potatoes. I assumed she was spending the night, but she announced she had to go back because she had to work at 7 am the next day. After dinner, she got up and went to the couch, pulled up the blanket and fell asleep. Humm.. a pattern I saw a lot when she was using. The purse was always at her side again. I didn't have to say much.. my husband said, Get up Em, I will take you back now. She started to argue, but he said, there is no reason for you come here and lay around and sleep. You could help with the dishes, play music with me, play xbox with your brother, but if you are just gonna lay around, you might as well do that at your place. She claims she was just up all night on New Years.. but I know that hung over look, I believe I saw it in her. So her visit lasted less than 2 hours.

I got to thinking yesterday. I shouldn't do that.. really. Sometimes it's best not to think. She was going on and on about her boyfriend... on and on.. what she got him for xmas, what he got her, what she got his family, what they got her... We didn't not even get a homemade card from her. I certainly don't want her spend her money on us.. just as my Mom told us the same thing, we have all we want and need, don't spend your money on us. BUT, a card would have been nice, some kind of acknowledgment to her family to have a nice Holiday. She is very creative , a poem or song would have perfect. Just a few words on paper or out of her mouth even. Nothing. This does not set well with me.

I took my son out to get his gift for his Dad. He offered to pay or pay half. I said no, it's ok. He did the same with his Dad for my gift from him. I would have certainly done with same with Emily, if she had asked. But she did not.

I said something to my husband last night about it. He actually agreed. He was the one that suggested she leave on New Years day too. I am not going to react to my thoughts now. But, I do plan on saying something to her at some point.

So with the theme of a new year.. Out with Old and In with the New, doesn't really hold true when you have a child that is an addict. Seems more like same old, same old. Entitlement. That's the word that sums it up.

Believe or not Believe- Christmas with Emily

2010-12-21T06:39:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post will be long!

Our plan was to get her Sunday. Have a nice Christmas dinner with her and spend the day Monday with her, getting nails, hair done. We are leaving tonight or tomorrow for FL without her.

Her friend that Od's recently, is now in jail. Her Mom texted me telling me that the girls had seen each other recently. There were pictures of them on A's phone. In the pictures A has a nose ring and she didn't get that until after Thanksgiving. All texts had been deleted. So I thought of a plan. Because this information was timed so badly for me, as I was getting Emily for our Christmas.

I picked her up after her work. We were on the road a few minutes, I said let's get the unpleasant stuff over with and I asked when the last time she saw A. She said a long time ago, I have not seen her since I moved from Wooster. I said time to be honest. There are photos of you on her phone, recent ones, she has a nose ring, she got that after Thanksgiving. I said she is in a lot of trouble and the court order her phone to be turned over and they are getting all the texts. Emily said, A, got that nose ring a long time ago, her Mom didn't know, she took it out. I don't care about the texts or anything, I do not communicate with her and haven't for a long time.

Then she said, who are you going to believe? Me, whose almost been sober 1 year or a girl who OD and is not sitting in jail? She said I am trying so hard to show you by my actions. I got a full time job, I am getting benefits soon and paying my rent, doing the right things. So who do you believe? I thought for a second.. I said neither. She said good answer and you shouldn't believe either, but I do want to see the good things I am doing.

I said I have a real hard time believing you have been sober for year. And I wish you wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. ( pictures on Facebook w K loco in your hand)

We get home, haul in her laundry, her boyfriend appears at the door, we all have a nice dinner. I can tell you, I do believe she was not using. There are little things that lead me to this belief.

She left her purse laying around. When she is using, it's attached to her

She wore short sleeves, no marks on her arms

She took off her boots and coat, not hiding things

She was naturally funny, animated

She took the initiative

She did her own laundry

She whined , in her normal way when she didn't get what she wanted instead of blaming us

She verbalized how grateful and thankful she was

So Monday I had a 9 am physical. My Dr's step daughter went to the same charter school Emily went to. I wanted them to meet, since my Dr knows all about Emily and the "players". They met and chatted a lot. Then Emily left the room and my Dr, said hard to believe such a polite, intelligent, articulate girl choose heroin. She said that seems the new heroin type now. And she proceeded to tell me, last week one of her patients was in the waiting room and got a call her son died, OD'd. He had agreed to go on Suboxen and they were planning that treatment the next day. He thought he'd have his last party before starting and he died. I just said, thank god she was in a safe place and I just can't imagine getting that call... ever.

So we headed to get our nails done. That was pleasant. Went to lunch before her hair appointment. Our lunch conversation revolved around addiction. She said the last rehab she went to made the biggest difference. It was "gehetto". It was the bottom. She was in shock she had reached that point. It was not the 550.00 dollar a day place. She could not believe she had ended up at the end of line in her short life over a drug. She said they made her write a good bye letter to heroin. She wrote it and they said it lacked her soul. They made her do it again, and again and then yet again. They made her look in a mirror for 30 minutes without saying anything.. just her and mirror. She looked at that person and realized she wanted to live, she deserved to live, not have a drug take her life.. or leave her with no choices.

Then she told me, she found out everyone at the Beacon House wanted her out. The women, the staff.. wanted her gone. Her counselor L, fought for her to stay. They were sick of her whinny entitlement attitude. They never had anyone so young there and they said she was bringing the house down and not taking recovery seriously. L saw something in her and wanted to keep working with her. She said if it was not for L and EMDR, she is not sure she would be where she is today. She said much later , when she was living in the Salvation Army, there was a woman and baby. The baby was L's grandchild. The woman had a one night stand with L's son... resulting in a baby. This woman told Emily she was just like L's daughter. Nose piercing, guitar always in hand or writing songs and poetry. L never talked about her family or her history. She said it clicked why L fought so hard for her and she was very grateful.

She said somewhere inbetween the "ghetto" rehab and EMDR, something clicked. She said she was a very powerful relationship with God and I would be amazed at all the work she has on paper about God and her spiritual self. She still works hard on that.

And, she feels she out grew heroin. She said now that she has freedom, she is considered an adult, she can go to bars, parties, etc.. it does not have the appeal to sneak out and use. That she has allowed her brain to heal and being rebellious was stupid, but she realized it too late, addiction had taken over before she knew it. She said Mom, it sucked so bad to wake up trying to figure out how to get the next fix. It's horrible to steal and lie to people who love you. That's not me, the heroin was talking. I was a prisoner to it. It ran my life, it had the power I gave it. She said I have to watch it and never let a person, thing, drug, place, take my power. I am aware of it, because I have a healthy brain now. She said she felt drugs had stunted her growth. She said I am flat chested, I am little, like I am stunted at 14 years old. She said she hopes to fill out, physically and she knows her brain is healing. I was going to ask about cravings and such, but she beat me to the punch. She said I am not saying, I don't think about it at times. But I know 1 time will result in my death. She said, I just talk to God and ask Him to take those thoughts from me. She said how many times in her life she has "oh 1 time won't hurt" and it did. She has to always remember that.

Do I believe her? I do believe she was sober for the 2 days she was with us/me.

Someone asked me if I was walking on cloud 9. No I am wasn't, no I am not now.

I am neutral. I think I have worked hard on my emotions, boundaries. Her failures and successes are just that.. hers. I can not and will not let them rule my self.

I do know she is a wonderful actress and lier. Second nature to her.

I do know she appeared very sober while with me.

So I am choosing to believe and not to believe, neutral. I am comfortable there for now.

So now we are headed to Atlanta to see the Cavs and then Palm Beach to see my Mom for Christmas and then Orlando, just my husband and son. Stress free as I told her bluntly.

Have a wonderful Holiday! I know the Holidays are so tough for those of us with addiction in our families.

Hugs

Kelly

Dry by Augusten Burroughs

2010-12-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

Dry is a memoir written by Augusten Burroughs. He also wrote Running With Scissors. I just finished reading it. I had taken a break from reading addiction books for awhile. But when I saw this book on the shelf at Goodwill for 1.99, I couldn't pass it up. I have always wondered why Emily can make it about 9 months and then relapse. Like at that 9 month mark, something goes wrong. I just couldn't understand why? From all I read and hearing Dr. Phil say it over and over, it takes about 30 to 90 days to change a habit, so by 9 months, certainly the bad habit has changed. Not so with Emily. Here is what Mr. Burroughs wrote about 9 months.

" At work the next day, I feel edgy and worried and frustrated and angry and sad and confused and relieved and every other emotion on that damn rehab feeling chart. Sometimes, a few feelings collect and have a sort of party in my head. Then it seems they all leave and I have no feelings at all. I remember in rehab someone saying that nine months was a turning point. It's like the seven-year itch. I think this must be because we have nine months programmed into us from our time in the womb. After nine months we are ready to make a dramatic change. Be born, or go get drunk."

He obviously relapses... very badly.. for quite awhile. What he learned after the relapse, as he explained to his friend going thru it, was this:

" You're suppose to go to a meeting. I mean , as much as you hate them or if they feel stupid or you just don't want to go. The thing is, if you go to a meeting, you won't drink that day. It's like a minibrainwash. It kind of fixes you for the little while. But then I say, "of course if I'm really wallowing in self-pity, then I will tell myself, ' Pighead, (his best friend who died) would give anything to feel this uncomfortable right now.' So there's always the auto-guilt trip method."

I get it. I understand what he is saying. I get he is using the tools he's been given now. His relapse taught him, meetings , meetings, meetings. How come our kids don't get it? I wish I could gift "getting it" for a Christmas gift, instead of a coat or gift card.

Hugs
Kelly

Still some innocence-Take the Long Way Home

2010-12-09T08:13:00.000-08:00

There are those times, when I just want the moment stay, not to pass so quickly. There are those moments, where my mind wanders to the worst, like I have been trained that way, like there is a hidden a meaning.. and I am luckily reminded, there is still some innocence in my life.

Tuesday night my son, Andy and I went to the Mall. He had a few things to get for Christmas. On the way there, he said he wanted to go to Victoria Secret to get his girlfriend a gift. My mind went to the stories I heard from my friends who had 17 year old boys... they found VS his/her oils, body lotions in their bedrooms. My son wanted help picking out a "Pink" hoodie or sweats. She likes the Victoria Secret Pink things. Whew!

Then he told me, he and his best friend decided it was the year to exchange gifts together. They put a 15.00 limit on it. Where does my mind go? Condoms. Cherry swizzlers to smoke. Know what he wanted to get him? A big box of Milk Duds, his friends favorite candy and some funky sweatbands and sweat wristbands. Whew!

We were driving home and there lots of Christmas lights up. This town goes all out. He asked me : Mom, do you ever take the long way home to look at the lights? I said : Do you? He said oh yes, I love them. I remember when we younger you would take us all around town to look at the lights. We remembered the night we ran into Shawn Kemp at a light display. He was, at the time a Cavs basketball player. He had, what I called a tank as a car, but actually it was the first Hummer I had ever seen. We remembered going to the "rich" area, known for their light displays.. and seeing a boy about his age now, dancing into a mirror in his underwear like Risky Business.

I said to Andy, to answer your question, I do not take the long way home to look at the lights anymore. After 40 plus years of looking at lights, I do not think about it anymore. But let's do it now! So on the record low cold night, on the way home from Mall, my son and I took the long way home to look at the lights.

I was reminded there is still some innocence. I allowed myself to stay in that moment and cherish it. I was happy it wasn't about VS lotions, potions, oils, condoms and cherry swizzlers.
Hugs
Kelly

The Holidays

2010-12-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

The Holidays - for those of us with addiction in our families, it can mean a bad four letter word. I believe this is where the AA saying "fake it til you make it" comes in. You press on. You go thru the motions.

Ever since 9-11-2001, the Holidays have lost their spark for me. I believe it is the same year my youngest child was told by his best friend there was no Santa. But the loss this country suffered that fateful day, took the spirit out of me. Or maybe it was preparing me for my future Holidays with Emily.

When we moved to Columbus, I was between all the family, so we all met here. I hosted. I am not a jolly person before hosting 20 to 30 some people. I am a Virgo, so perfection was a must and that put a lot of pressure on myself and my family. I will say though, once the day was here, the good times and memories are worth it.

I was faking it , til I made it. Holding my breath no crisis would occur 20 minutes before everyone was to arrive.

I am surprised nobody noticed , at the time, my Parma tree that one year. If you are not from Cleveland, you will know Parma from Drew Carey. My tree was a little white 25.99 tree on top of a table with the value pack of 6.99 for 30 multi- colored glass balls. If that doesn't scream crisis mode, I don't know what does. About this time of year, that year, Emily tried to commit suicide. Needless to say, I was not in the Holiday mood.

Another year, we were sitting in the therapist office 2 days before, doing some kind of intervention, for what, I am still not even clear on. Then there was the school suspension, for skipping, last thing a Mother needs before hosting a bunch of family, is a defiant teen child at home while trying to get ready. But, whatever the situation was, resulted in me learning to "fake it til I make it", which by the way, is something I am still trying to master.

Last year, there was not faking it, I could not make it. I look back and I realize how sick I was, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I owe a big thanks to the wonderful folks at ODR, Opiate, Detox and Recovery Board. There were quite a few others that had been where I was and so helpful in getting me thru. To the point of calling me on Christmas day and chatting with me for hours to get me thru.

Emily had stolen our credit cards and checks right before Thanksgiving. Went to jail. Then went to live with her dealer b/f and his family. Admitted she was having fun using and had no intentions of quitting. I was such a downer, my husband and son went to see the movie Avatar, who knew it was one of the longest movies in history! That left me alone on Christmas day. Not good. I called Emily to come over. She was making demands, that her dealer b/f should be able to come too. He was her protector. He didn't want her coming to her family alone. Did he think we would beat her? Abuse her? Looking back, we might have unbrainwashed her, that was his fear. After many phone calls, she decided to agree to come alone. My husband and son came home from the movie. Needless to say, not a good thing. My son went to the basement, would not even sit at the table with his sister. I, don't blame him, as I was hanging up her coat, there were needles coming out, which lead me to look in purse, more needles... last thing you want to find on Christmas day in your child's coat. They still freak me out, needles. There was no faking it, I was not making it.

I was not "making it"... so bad, that by Feb, I was physically sick. I was laid off my job, due to poor health. Go get well, I was told. I still do not have my job back, due the economy now. But, it was a slap in the face, a wake up call, it was the turning point of me saying, I can't help or support you, I have to take care of myself. But, I can't say, I am making it now either, even after learning all that. I will tell you why I feel this way. I believe I have made much progress, this all hasn't been in vain, BUT, I am still "faking it". I am going thru the motions. I could care less what I buy for my family for Christmas, I could careless what I receive.

You want to know why? Because there has been another crisis. I won't write about what it is, for 2 reasons, it really doesn't matter exactly what it is , and secondly, it is not my story, but Emily's. BUT, it is something that has put another dark cloud over the Holidays, separated my husband and I on what to support and what not to. The bottom line is, as long as he keeps supporting her financially for her mistakes or crisis's, she will not learn, she will not become an independent adult who can solve her own problems.

This comes after our Thanksgiving. Emily was 3 hours late. Turkey's don't wait. I faked it that day too. I listened to what every parent wants to hear. She told me her friends have told her all I did last year to save her. That I worked tirelessly, that I love her so much. One friend told her I was the last person he had texted with before his car accident and he remembered thinking, he only wished he had a mother that loved him like I loved her and she was so lucky. She thanked me for all I have done, she had no idea what was going on behind the scenes. And look how far she has come in a year, she was at Thanksgiving with her family.. what could be better? She said Grace at dinner, it was long, I don't remember all of it, but I remember, something is "off". That Mother's institution.. a nagging feeling in between her words of being sober for 10 months.

The 3 of them decided to go to Blockbuster for a movie. I saw her purse sitting here. I went thru it. Nothing. I didn't believe it, I went thru it again, check the lining for a hole this time, nothing. Breath. Exhale. I went to the counter and saw her phone charging. I looked at the texts. Guess what? Oh come on, you know you the answer as well as me. Texts from her dealer b/f from last year. Drama, swearing, crap. Texts about standing on the corner waiting for grams, oxy's, X. Texts on buying up all the 4 Loco's. Texts about how she thought there was arrow on the work schedule and she was really off on Thanksgiving... that she had been moved to work on Black Friday. You know the excuses.. you've heard them all, as have I.

What did I do? I wrote the names and numbers down. My son noticed I was "off". So I told him, I should have. But you know what he said to me.. you know and I know and that all that matters. Get rid of the numbers, there will always be more numbers, more dealers. Don't waste your energy. He was/is right.

So this year, the 3 of us, my husband, son and I are going on vacation for Christmas. We will be with my Mom in Palm Beach, who is so excited, surprised and happy we are coming. She has called me 3 times going over menus, gifts, schedules. I hope I don't fake this year, I hope it is sincere and just what we all need.. Mom and Grandma to brighten our day.
Happy Holidays
Hugs
Kelly

There was an OD and the chick is dead

2010-11-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

This was a text my husband got from Emily's old landlord.

There was on OD from Heroin in Emily's apartment and the chick is dead.

I immediately thought it was Emily's current apartment! But it was her old apartment.

My husband forwarded this to Emily and I. Emily said.. it's Aarica ( her best friend at her program, and like a 2nd daughter to me).

I speak regularly to Aariaca's Mom on the phone.. we work thru our bad days together, we share information, we pray our kids make it thru another day with their disease. It never occurred to me Emily was speculating...

I called Aarica's Mom. I asked if she had talked to Aarica that day.. I said more importantly, in the last hour.... she said no. I asked if Aarica was working.. she said no... Then, shock took over me and in most indelicate way possible.. I said... They are saying Aarica is dead... I said this 3 times to her. .

She made several calls to the police and hospital.. no one would give her any information.. thanks Hippa laws... Aarica just turned 22, she is an adult. But, don't get me started on that fact parents will get the bills and have the do not recessitate power... but not the power to find out what's going on with our child.

I spoke to Aarica's Mom most of the time she was driving to the next city where Em's apartment was.. I didn't have the address and at that very moment Emily's texts ran out.. so I was guiding them in from memory... nobody there.. they were off to the hospital. She got a text from Aarica's boyfriend.. she is dead.. DOA.

We hung up..and I sobbed.. sobbed like no tomorrow.. sobbed thinking that this could have my daughter.. sobbed that world will be missing a beautiful girl , with the biggest smile and brightest eyes when she is sober.. sobbed for a family that will never be the same...

I went into overdrive. I called Emily... her phone worked, but not the texting... I feared this would put her over the edge...and wanted her safe at home. She agreed to come home... and I would take her to work the next day at 11 and then head up to be Aarica's Mom. I am pretty good at answering my kids questions, lots of practice. I also pride myself on my talent to be able to change the subject quickly without them realizing it... but I could not do it this night. I could not answer Emily's questions, I could not comfort her in the way I should be able to, because I was hurting too. I could not switch subjects, because this one was heavy, all around us in my car.. not leaving... So I was honest... I don't know Emily.. I just don't have the answers.. we are both in shock... there is no right or wrong... this is raw pain.

Aarica's Mom told me, she would call me as soon as she knew what was going on. I knew from Emily... that there were 3 people in her old apartment. The boy shot up and OD'd, the other girl was reviving him, while Aarica shot up.. She shot up while the boy was Oding... Something went wrong.. and Aarica was Oding.. the girl called Aarica's boyfriend.. he came and held Aarica as her tongue was hanging out and blue , her eyes rolled back in her head.. she quit breathing.. He, thank god, had the sense to call 911.. because the other girl was just worried about getting in trouble.

3 and half long hours went by.. and Emily and I prayed... I said.. I gotta call.. I don't want to bug them.. but if they are at the hosp still.. maybe that means she is alive?? I called, I was transferred to the ER , good sign... ER transferred me to her area.. Aarica's Mom answered.. said she would call me soon.. but yes, Aarica was alive and getting ready to do a tox screen.

Aarica's Mom called me, we talked til 2am. Aarica arrived at the hosp as DOA.. their Minister was there reading the last rights and they were working on her... they had cut all her clothes off.. and they were reviving her... She had peed and pooped.. so I guess that does happen when you die.. they were shoving forms in Aarica's mom hands.. saying they have no idea what the brain damage will be, she had been dead for so long, quite possible she would be a vegetable. If she signed the forms, they would quit trying to resuscitate, or if they got her breathing, she could have the plug pulled. She did nothing.. shock.. and Aarica came around...

Of course Aarica doesn't remember anything... she was not in a good mood... and against Drs orders she left the hosp in the gown and went home to her boyfriends house... they were worried about broken ribs from recessiting.. and other injuries. But she is an adult and left with her boyfriend.

The story went.. Aarica and her b/f had a fight the day before. He happens to have a local 15 year old girl preg.. due any day now.. he was texting her and would not let Aarica see the texts.. so she left and knew Emily's apt was empty and stayed there for a night or two. Aarica is on probation. Her b/f is on probation and the other boy in the apt is on probation too. They were all given this program or treatment instead of jail and they all got kicked out, just as my daughter was.

The other boy was hauled off in hand cuffs from the hosp.. 5 warrants, going to prison

Aarica's b/f had a dirty test the week before and left for jail the next morning

Aarica met with her PO the next day.. told him everything.. technically she should have gone to jail.. but didn't. Which leaves her mother in a bad situation... she wanted her in jail... and only those of us with addicts know jail can mean good things for our kids.

But by the grace of God, she is still with us and has a chance to reach her potential.

I have to say.. I have heard of Od's... such a tragic loss.. but I have never actually never known the person.... my adrenalin was on overdrive for 2 days... it wiped me out...

My husband said he could not get the Neil Young song out of his head.. the needle and the damage done. I could not get the song by Billy Joel out of my head.. Only the good die young.

I woke up the next morning.. to notice a friend of mine from high school died. I read the obit.. he had been in AA for over 15 years.. he touched a lot of lives.. was a special needs teacher for middle school students. This didn't make sense to me... I found out later in the day.. it was ruled a suicide.. and his 12 year old son found him in his car in their barn. I hope he found he found the peace he was seeking and I hope even more his family and 3 kids can find peace and some sort of comfort.

Standards Vs Expectations

2010-11-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am confused between standards vs expectations. The reason is because I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. Related to the Mother's statement on her daughters drug use. She said, she found a pipe in her daughters car and she expected her to experiment and try misc drugs.

Dr. Phil said... My my, how we've lowered our standards as parents.

Then went on to say, not all our kids experiment, etc.

It got me thinking... In my Polarity classes and thru therapy, I learned to get over my expectations of my daughter or other people. Because they are just that... MY Expectations. People, including my kids, husband, family, shouldn't have to try to live up my expectations. So I worked my butt of on that... let go of expecting my daughter to go to college. Let go of my expectation of my daughter staying in a program. Let it all go.. Let go that my husband will not be on the same recovery path as myself. You get the idea...

But...

When Dr. Phil says, how we have lowed our standards, I get confused. Again. Does standard mean, within the laws of society only? So it's illegal to do drugs, per society, so if our children experiment and we are ok with it, then we have lowered our standards? Or is it an expectation of ours that our children don't experiment with drugs? Not all that "experiment", go on to be addicts. So, I guess my confusion is directly related to having an addict child.

And some of my confusion is because, again, thru therapy, I learned at a certain age, we as parents, are no longer our child's biggest influence. Having said that, whose standards are they? The parents, or biggest influence on kids, their peers?

Take away addiction. Take my son for example, who is not an addict. Make it simple. We walked into 5 Guys for dinner one night. This girl that worked there, basically yelled across the restaurant to Andy... HI ANDY!! He barely looked up, claims he nodded to her, but I didn't see it. So our dinner conversation was about his reaction or lack of. I told him, I don't care who it is, but when someone acknowledges you like that, you should be polite and say hello. I felt your behavior was rude. He had his list of excuses as to why he acted the way he did. But, my expectation or standard of him is to be polite, no matter what. You don't have go do something with them or text them, but you can lift your head and say Hi. You never know, you may need a job some day and she is the doing the hiring.

Another simple example is the simple words: THANK YOU. I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years. That meant, I was the driver of many kids for many activities. I can tell you 90% of the kids do not say those 2 little words, Thank You. After the kid would get out of my car, I would say to my kids, why do I do this, if I am not even thanked. I , there's that word again, "expect" you to say Thank You to any mother that is driving you, feeding you, letting you in their home. I expect that. That is my standard, that's how I raised my kids. And I can very assured, tell you, both my kids say it to others now. Emily explained it to me one day. She said, Mom, not all kids are raised the same way we are. They do not know to say Thank You. So those words are not a standard or is it an expectation (?), in most families. I can also tell you, my kids both thanked me for driving their friends around or after I had their friends over to play and took them home, I heard Thank You from my kids. They know I am a stickler for that.. or that I expect it.. or that it is my standard.

So are our standards or expectations different when we had a child that is addicted?

What is the difference between standard and expectation?

I welcome feedback.
Hugs
Kelly

My Old Feelings are Coming Back :(

2010-10-26T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have worked really hard to detach, let go, move on , be present, , I know I wear myself out. Willing myself not to be involved, set my boundaries, take care of me. You know the drill.

But every once in awhile, I slip back. I go to that place where I say to myself.. I wish.. I wish I could have what they have. They being a Mother and Daughter to have "normal" relationship. To laugh, to do something together, to have quality time. For me to surprise her and say, let's take a day together and get our nails done, have lunch, smile and laugh.

In the beginning, I could barely go to the grocery store or Mall without being jealous of other Mothers and their Daughters.. it was too much for me. Times I did go out with a friend, and they would get a call from their daughter.. and it wasn't a crisis or drama, it was just normal everyday life.. I didn't and don't have that and it hurts. I am not normally a jealous person, so this was a new feeling for me. I had to deal with it, work thru it. I have and I continue to.

BUT, there are days when the old feelings come back.. and I wish I could have "it". As much as I hated it when my daughter went in my closet and borrowed something or I'd find a pair of my shoes in her room, or one of my necklaces on her bathroom counter.. that is normal and I would take it now. I would welcome it.

Maybe I am feeling this way because I talked to my sister in law ( the sick one) the morning and she mentioned these cookies she saw at the cancer center and she was thinking of making them for Christmas. They are cookies I have been making for years.. the Ritz crackers, peanut butter in the middle , dipped in chocolate.. I have it down to a science. I told her I freeze them and Emily used to eat them frozen. Maybe that started my feelings..the memory.

Maybe because I logged on facebook and I saw my friend and her daughters kind and funny posts to each other... and I got sad. I am still sad.

Maybe because the Holidays are coming up and people are shopping for fun, non necessary things for their girls and I will be thinking of a grocery store gift card up until that last minute for Emily.

It scares me I have been focused on letting go, that I could slip back to wishing and being sad so easily. And what will I do today? I will stay in the house and isolate, so I don't have to see any happy normal Mother's and Daughters out and about. I will work thru it alone.

I can love my daughter and I can do something with her, that is enabling, BUT, she won't take it that way. She will see it as a window of opportunity and I have enough recovery time myself to know this is not a possibility.

So today, I am sad, I have wishes, I have shattered dreams and hopes again. But you know, I know I have to accept it and I know tomorrow is another day.

Well I have to get outside and grab our umbrella and chairs , as the wind is kicking up to 70mp and businesses are shutting down. I will go thru motions of daily life, one foot in front of the other.
Hugs
Kelly

We have an unknown Grandson

2010-10-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

Yep Yep, it's true, we have a grandson.. unknown to us. Life sure provides us with never a dull moment around here.

My husband got an email on Thursday asking he was related to Christian. The radar goes up.. he did reply and said.. who is this, why do you want to know, but yes Christian is my son.

Christian is my husbands son from a previous marriage. It is another tragic story in our lives, in which we spent many hours in therapy and many dollars in trying to be a part of his life.
We were told over and over , by the best, being attorneys, judges, Fathers for Equality, turn the other cheek, pay your outrageous child support and move on with your lives. Easier said than done.. but in the end , we had no choice. His Ex moved to Philly in the middle of night, according the neighbors, her attorney didn't even know where she was for a long time... that was the beginning of the end.. we sent airline tickets to get him for our visitation time and she wouldn't put him on the plane. We would drive the 12 hours there to spend a weekend with him, only to have a sign on the door that would read " Come back next weekend, we have decided to go to the shore this weekend".

The last time we saw him, my husband got a call from the Philadelphia Police station. They had Christian and he and his Mother were fighting, fighting a lot .. that result in destruction of property, cars, each other. Would he come get Christian. His Mother was crazy and they were sick of dealing with her. It was suggested , in order to save the boy, we should file emergency custody. I had 2 little ones by then.. taking on a 12 year boy, who, had a lot of problems would require, a big commitment, but I was up for the challenge, it was now or never I told my husband. Ednia, my husband's ex mother in law, had always been my life line to Christian. She and I talked all the time.. She always wanted him with us. She agreed to testify against her daughter.. so we proceeded. You know that saying.. blood is thicker than water? When push came to shove.. she bailed. The judge told us.. sure you can 2nd mortgage your home, fight this woman with all you have... but bottom line.. he is 12, he can pick who he wants to live with and they always pick their abuser.. they feel responsible for them. Wow, that's a hard concept to comprehend... very hard.. I knew nothing about accept the things you can not change, but, that was my first lesson in it. That also was the last time we saw Christian.

I still kept up with him thru Ednia. I would anonymously send things he need or wanted for school, like the 8th grade t-shirt, yearbooks, etc. If his mother had known it came from me, she would have refused them, and he would do without.

The story alone, the drama, the magnitude, which at one point involved me being on the local news with moving squares on my face and the President of the National Organization of Women accusing me of giving my husband, then his ex wife, VD, herpes, genital warts.. is just one little example of the stops she pulled to keep getting an outrageous amount of child support because the judge made a mistake and she lived in a different state and we would have file to get her back here and chances of her showing up.. were nill.

I had less money to raise my kids a month than she did for 1 child. But, that was ok.. I knew karma was a bitch and I could hold my head up and have comfort we did the right thing. He was turning 18 and my husband called the child support office to have that cut off. Oh no they said.. it's not until he graduates... well that's ok.. I will just tell the catholic school, I will catch up on kids tuition in 3 months, after Christian graduates high school. Apparently, my husband's ex knew the laws too, she made sure he couldn't graduate in June, but had take summer classes. So we paid thru Aug.

The last time we saw him, as I said, he was 12. The last time we heard from him, was about 6 years ago. (seems like yesterday, but I checked the calendar). He was in a bit of trouble, spent time in jail and needed help.. He need to go to trail , have a job, have a place to live and show he was paying child support.. that was grandson number 1. We knew about this one. I suggested to my husband, he get on a plane, give him the tools..being a suit for court, work boots for his construction job, etc. But, no, my husband sent a cash money order... not for a few hundred dollars.. but a few thousand. I guess that was easier...

We have not heard from Christian since. I did locate him on myspace years ago.. and he definitely looked scary, his friends list looked like guys I would not want to meet in a dark alley at night. I can't remember the slang words for jail and stuff that they used on their wall of myspace... but it lead me to look him up on the free records site... yep .. still in custody... many many charges.. acts of terrorism, deadly weapon, intent to sell contraband's, public intoxication, failed drug test for probation, not showing up for probation, etc. A mean dude.

Then Thursday, my husband gets this email. I will tell ya what.. my response was.. I am not surprised, it was only a matter of time and this probably won't be the last time some girl comes out the wood work to locate us. I took matters into my hands. I am in protect mode. Protect my husband... because of all the hurt he has been thru with his first son.. it took years of working thru. Protect my son, as he is innocent from all of this. Protect myself, I can take no more hurt, drama or crisis.

Instead of emailing, I gave her my cell number. She called. We talked. She said she wanted to go Ireland, where she is from and finish her degree. My goal was to find out her intentions, what does she want? Why did she feel the need to find and contact us? She "seems" like a nice girl. Single Mom raising a son, he is 5.5 years old... cute age. She works full time, has a 4 year degree, wants a phd, contributes to society, etc. Has never met, nor does she want to ever meet my husband's ex, has nothing to say good about Christian, except she felt deceived by him. She told me he is a crack addict and angle dust addict. He is a dealer. At one point she had hope for him, but now she realizes he is too far gone. She would like to meet and have us meet her son.

Here is what I said: We had Christian yanked from our lives, it took a lot to get over that, and you never really get over it entirely, we can't have that wound reopened. I have a daughter, I have lost and mourn daily. To meet you and your son and have you move to Ireland, is not something we can do. I am in protect mode.

Ya know what? She agreed. She said what I was thinking.. well lets all just sit on it for awhile and I will let you know my decision about Ireland soon, as I have to make that decision soon for Spring Quarter.

I said, perfect. I want you to know thou, as far health, if you son ever need bone marrow, or records.. I will gladly provide them and I know we all would contribute that way. I will be glad to give you any history of the family you want, as I know it.

Only people with an addict in their family will understand my next thoughts. People come into our lives a certain time for a certain reason.. I believe that. I have had these bad thoughts of my daughter.. we all know, drugs kill. One over dose can do it. One accident. One more theft will put her away for awhile. Maybe this boy was brought in our lives to provide joy from the hell that might be around the corner for us. I don't know.. I don't have a crystal ball.

As I said, never a dull moment here...

But for now, we are all "sitting" on it.
Hugs
K

I am Ok, Whatever Works for You, I am Still Here...

2010-10-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

All recent blog titles by fellow bloggers that have children that have addiction issues. It also about sums up how I was going to title this blog entry. Because...
1. I am ok
2. I agree with whatever works for you. While it may not work for someone else, if it works for you... great.
3. I am still here

My husband had another eye retina surgery today. Seems like it went better than the ones in the past. It's still his eye, and since both eyes have detached retinas, it must be taken seriously and instructions to be followed. This does not come stress free, especially for him.

On the Emily front. I really wish I wasn't so "sensitive" , intuitive, or have the Mother 6th sense. I try to avoid it, ignore it, pretend I don't "feel" something. But, I have it and I acted on it. I called Aarica's Mom last night. Aarica was Emily's best friend in the Beacon House program. She told me she kicked Aarica out about 3 weeks ago. As she had gotten a call from Aarica's work saying she was not in any condition to be working. Due to the fact she was using.
I am not good in math.. but it doesn't take much to add 1 + 1 = 2. Emily has been hanging out with Aarica again for the last 2 weeks.

I have not, personally , talked to Emily in a long time. My husband speaks to her daily. I get messages or calls from others about her. Even thou, I say, I don't want to know... and remind them she is an adult. But, here is the way it stands, as I know it. She is moving back to Columbus. She has been down here the last 2 weekends without contacting us. She has found a place to live, some guy, who is one of her girlfriends, boyfriends, friend. Since she has no friends here, or should I say, since she only knows drug users here, you can add up to where she will be living. She does not need any money ( go figure). She does not need help moving. ( go figure).
So let me do the math 1 + 1 + 1 = 3.

I was asked, today, by a good friend, what am I going to do when I get that call she needs help, she needs a program. In the past, I have been ultimately organized, plan A, B and C. Phone numbers, contacts ready. But, I had a hard time answering that question today. I am not sure I answered the question.

Because today
1. I am ok
2. It is working for me, what I am choosing to do
3. I am still around

For today, all things are how they are suppose to be.
Hugs
Kelly

My Space

2010-10-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

Among the normal craziness of raising teens, add to it an addict teen... life as you knew it or wanted it is out the window. It's taken alot.. to find "my space". I have worked hard .. very hard.. and I can't say my work is done, I don't think it will ever be. Someone suggest I print and read my thread on ODR. ODR is the Opiate Detox Recovery board. The beginning of this blog is from there, as I was trying to transfer it all over... But, they wanted to point out to me, how far I have actually come. I am glad I spent the time rereading .. because I have found "my space".

What "My Space" is to me:

* a place where I decide what I let in and what I don't

* gives me peace, that I don't have to engage or I can engage

* doesn't judge me and tries like heck to not to judge others

* gives me comfort

* sets my boundaries

* keeps things in balance for me

* keeps me going

* keeps me safe

* calms me instantly

* is a necessary part of my recovery and health

* gives me hope

I have found that, maybe, I was given this journey to find "My Space". I am not sure I would found it otherwise.

Hugs
Kelly

Help! She Is Pulling An EMILY On Me!

2010-10-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

This is a statement from a phone call I got from a friend of mine, S, yesterday. The thought has been with me. Awhhh so there is now a name for what our addict kids do..It's called "doing an Emily". For some bizarre reason there is comfort in that. Maybe it's that I am not alone, maybe it's that someone is listening to me and recognizes the signs, maybe it's that I can lending an ear to someone else in crisis, I don't know..

S's daughter has reached rock bottom. Charges, Felonies, Detox, thin, sick, sad. After detox last week, she is waiting.. waiting for a warrant to turn herself in or a court date for a judge to decided her fate, jail or a 2 year rehab.

This is where Pulling An Emily comes in.. it's those in between days. Those days waiting for a bed or a phone call back from a program or a court date.. that limbo time. That critical time... where the blame and bargaining starts. Where the scheming, justifying, half truths, their truths, come shining thru.

This is when a parent realizes how bad really it is. Beyond logic. There is no logic with an addict in this state of mind. This is when our radar goes up, we can "babysit".. but if they want their DOC, they can get it. This is where you can not waiver.. I told her. All the begging, pleading, compromising, schemes, justifications... can not have any impact on you. Hold true to your bottom line.. This is where you will check the phone call list, do searches, watch every movement, this is exhausting.. but you can not engage or waiver.

This is where you realize just how much love you have for your child. This is where you look at your adult child and feel so terribly sorry for them, they didn't want this, they are hurting, they have a disease..and it's taking them down. This is also where, they can manage to get you angry, anger you never thought you had. This is where if they know they are leaving as soon as a bed opens up, they might as well, have that last hurrah.

Pulling An Emily is an awful place to be.

My friend said to me, Kelly, I have learned such so much from Emily and your journey, it has been invaluable to me when dealing with my own daughter. I hate to say, "well, good", I am glad our story is helping someone else... but if that's what comes out of it, and saves another, it's all good.

Hugs
Kelly

Does It Ever Go Away??

2010-10-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

At this point in time, I don't think it ever goes away, even if I was on vacation, without a cell phone, I don't think it goes away. But no need to worry to about a vacation because kids cost too much money and probably soon, no need to worry about a cell phone, because kids cost a lot of money....

The worst possible out come for my son. Lost 50% of his sport. What coach wants a student only 50%?? Lost his title of Captain. Lost his dignity and respect.
Awhh but we have a friend who is a lawyer. I don't know what kind of deal he would or could give us, but he feels we have case. Kids cost a lot of money.

Spent the day touring a State College for my son ( Ohio University). Beautiful day, weather, with friends, etc. And then.. the presentation.. the clubs, the help, the dorms, the food, the games, the tuition.. 22K for year. Oh that's right... kids cost money.

On that phone I probably won't be able to afford anymore.. came a text from Emily. I got a letter today.. I don't understand it. I am being named as tenet of Apt C in a foreclosure suit. By the way, heat is included in my rent and the heat is not on. My refrigerator broke and my landlord/owner is not answer his phone. ( maybe it's turned off, like mine will be soon) The county is going after the lender, owner and tenets for tax leans.

Will this require a lawyer? Will this cost us in loss of deposit, first and last months rent? Probably.

Oh lets not even go into what to do next with her. I say she can't come home. I also say, we can't keep affording to set her up in apartments or programs. I can't even go into how I feel, because deep down, I don't know if she is been sober. My husband believes 100% she is and has been sober, but wouldn't be surprised if he is wrong.

At this point, I don't think it ever goes away, no matter how far I went or how I tried to be unreachable. And Kids Cost Money.

The System is Wrong

2010-09-29T09:09:00.000-07:00

That's a loaded title, because I feel the "system" is wrong in many way when dealing with addiction.. brick walls everywhere and real help is missing and after care is nonexistent.

But this is not about the addiction system per se, it's about the school system and drinking, drugs.

As you know, my son was charged with having beer in his car. He blew clean. He made a mistake. Alittle background. 2 years ago in October we went to Family Day at Emily's therapy school. We found out she was emailing her old boyfriend. We were upset, all over the board. But, we were watching our friends son, while they were up in Michigan for the Mich State / OSU game. The boys said they were at a fellow swimmers house for a movie and bond fire. This was the norm for the Sophomores.

At about 11pm, my son came flying thru the garage door. I asked where his friend was. Andy said.. there is a problem, a big problem. He had drank 14 shots of vodka... wasn't breathing and was being dropped off at the Hosp. I can't tell you what that feels like.. shock, every one of my body systems went into overdrive at once. I had to make a phone to his parents, up in MI. A phone call that no parent wants to make. I was shaking.

The vodka turned out to be Everclear. I thought that was a music band. I looked it up. It's like grain alcohol and is not sold in our state, but you can buy it on the net and have it delivered to your doorstep.

They put T ( my son's friend) into a coma. They had no answers as to if he would make it and if he did make it, would there be brain damage? I had Andy tested and he tested clean. That's all I needed was 2 boys laying there. There were machines, tubes, and lifeless body laying there. I had Andy stay in the hosp room with me. I remember it was a nice new Hosp, a pull out couch, that had never been used. I remember being very cold. I couldn't warm up. I remember T coding out and having like a seizure and the nurses shouting words and putting the paddles on him. I remember praying and praying. I remember watching the clock, 2:05 am, 2:09 am, all the way to 5:38 am when T's parents arrived from MI.

I remember T's Dad telling me he was going to the swim coach. I didn't remember he was going to name my son. But he did. So we sat thru 8 weeks of Drug/Alcohol classes as parents and high school students. I remember thinking.. I could teach this class. They are not asking the right questions, they don't have a clue, etc.

I remember them telling us, if my son is named in anything else, a party, a situation, he will loose 20 to 60% of his sport. I remember telling them, then you set him/us up to do the wrong thing and tell him to run. He can't be named. Your system is not set up to help the ones that do the right thing. What about the cheerleader who broke T's entrance hall closet and threw up on the bathroom rug? Nothing happened to her, she wasn't in any trouble or situation. But my son was and he blew clean.

So now I find us in the same situation. My son blew clean. But, he will loose 20 to 60% of his sport, probably his title of Captain. Guess what? T was there too, but he is not in trouble. In fact none of the other boys are in trouble.... because they ran. Because their parents told them to run and they would take care of it.

I will be honest here, I told my son to run to the next neighborhood and I would pick him up. My husband said NO, he said, get here and talk to the police. Do the right thing. Andy did that. The police were impressed with him. He is polite, articulate, on the ball, etc. But that didn't get him anywhere fast. He is taking the fall for all of the boys.

So tomorrow we meet with the school. To decide his fate. I am going to go on record again and tell them, their system is failure and is set up to teach the kids and parents to do the wrong thing. This is an example of how doing the right thing, only hurt my son in the long run.

I will add, that I do not agree with my son's choice. We took care of it and are still taking care of it in house. He made a poor choice. I will also add, that my husband now wishes he had told my son to keep running.

It's Just Pizza, After ALL

2010-09-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine, whose daughter is an addict, called me this AM. Her daughter is getting close to admitting she has a problem and is close to considering detox and long term rehab. You know how the prospect of jail enlightens them a little more quickly...but anyway, she wanted her Mom to send her a pizza, as she had not eaten in two days.

That brought me back to my feelings exactly one year ago today, when my daughter assured me she was really considering going back to her sober living, but she was hungry and could I have a pizza delivered to her bedbug infected hotel room.

What is it with pizza. Why do they ask for that, when they are so close to doing what we want so badly?

The scene was: I was sitting at dinner with my son and then we were headed to the Mall to get his Homecoming clothes. My husband was out of town. My phone rang, it was Emily. I should not have answered it. She was chit chatting, I am impatiently waiting for the real reason for the call. I said , several times, "listen, this is not a good time right now. I am having quality time with your brother and we are at dinner and heading to get his Homecoming clothes, can I call you later?"

That sparked her response. It's always about him! He always comes first! I am down here struggling and hungry.

My son is sitting there shaking his head, saying no, don't do it Mom.

There went our quality time dinner together.

But, I listened to him, I said no Emily, I am busy right now.

I have to say, it felt good. No one wants their child to go hungry, especially me, who feels a good home cooked meal cures all. BUT, she would not have been hungry IF she had gone back to her program, IF she had made other choices. I could hear my Reiki Master in the back of mind, let those bed bugs bite, let that stomach growl with hunger.

Emily made another call after the one to me. To her Dad, who was out of town, who ordered them a pizza. "It's just a pizza" after all.

My friend ordered her daughter a pizza last night. "It's just a pizza, after all".

Hugs
Kelly

No News

2010-09-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

I don't have a lot to say , tell or report, as I have had no news from Emily. She doesn't call me. I can certainly tell you what that means from the past... she knows I know, so she doesn't call me.

I really don't want to report or give the news that my husband paid her rent.. but he did. Claiming the job she was suppose to get has not started and she will pay us back. Well since I know this company and I have placed clients there, I know how they operate and I know they don't make you wait 3 weeks after telling you , you have the job to actually starting the job.

I really don't want to tell you, people told me to check out her facebook account, because she "defriended" me... and they are worried... that she has announced she is "in a relationship" with Pete, the homeless alcoholic guy, the one that was the reason she was kicked out of her program for. That there are pictures of them, comfy and cozy with captions like "we are just sleepy heads"...

I really don't want to report that my husband doesn't want to know about it and refuses to even think he is paying for a love nest for her.

I really don't want to stress about:, no IOP + no meetings + no job = you know what.

So to sum it up, I am liking no news, no frantic calls, no crisis's, no drama. No News is not going effect me, in fact, I had a great day with a good friend of mine at the Outlets.

Hugs
Kelly

AA

2010-09-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if I mentioned, but my husband goes to AA. Has for over a year. I don't know if it was incident, or a way to relate to our daughter, or feeling a need to belong somewhere. I can tell you, when he told Andy and I at dinner one night, our initial response was of laughter.. we quickly stifled those and went into our own thoughts about it. Andy and I have talked about it together, we share many of the same thoughts on it. How have I been married for 20 years and not know? How did Andy have a great father for 16 years and not have a clue? That's the biggest.
I believe AA has fueled my husbands ego vs knocked it down a few pegs. Because now, not only does he have his Phd intelligence to argue with, but his HP, so he never has to see another side of things. I have not gotten involved in his Recovery. I have not asked anything. I have enough on my plate, and this is his thing, not mine.

We went to dinner with our friends, their son is Justin, one of Emily's old best friends. Justin did wilderness, 18 month rehab in AZ. He left a week after we sent Emily to therapy school in 08. Justin happens to share the anniversary date with my husband. Justin 2 years , my husband 1 year.. The reason I just gave this background information is because they KNOW. We are each others support... and have been. Anyway, my husband met us from work. He said down visibly upset. He knew the feedback he would get from us, but he told us the situation of his AA meeting.

He is chairing his home meetings every Friday in September. He chaired the meeting that morning and only 1 person was getting a coin. A young girl 30 days free of Heroin. So there is something the chairperson has to say at the end which has the word the alcohol in it and my husband added drugs. He said alcohol and drugs. ( thinking of the young girl who just got her coin for being 30 days free of drugs) I guess this is a big No No.

His sponsor came charging at him, he still saw this visual several days later. His sponsor said "stick to the script!" "you let your ego get in the way". My husband is stammering around, saying I was including all these others that used drugs.. His sponsor said "they are guests here". Besides his sponsor... many others bombarded him about using the word "drugs" in their AA meeting. Their comments were along the lines of his sponsors. "Guests" at our AA meeting. Even though those "guests" consider that meeting their home group. Needless to say, my husband was visibly upset.

Funny thing is, he had no clue. I could have told him what was going to happen with my research and being active on the ODR board. They always seem to debate that there. In fact, I have heard of some AA talks that people have given and they will flat out tell me, when I say alcohol, I really mean heroin... but it's an AA meeting. I personally feel it goes against everything this organization is suppose to be about. You are only as well as your secrets...right? But we won't get into my feelings on this.

Next day, my husbands sponsor texts him. My husband told him it was the first time he ever left a meeting feeling worst than when he went in. His sponsors reply was, too bad, it was a good meeting.

This is one lesson, I don't have to learn. I can watch from the sidelines. I don't have to be politically correct. I don't have say each town is different, small towns vs larger cities. I don't have to justify the differences in his choice of organization for Recovery. But it is interesting.

My husband did not go back all week until Friday.. he will finish his obligations or commitment and think about it all until then.

Hugs
Kelly

Just Words??

2010-09-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

While Emily was home for her short visit, we had many deep conversations.
How can you tell an addict is lying, their lips are moving
This has been ingrained into me. Do this mean when they are using? Or does this mean even when they are sober?

I had gotten a frantic call from a friend, whose daughter is reaching her bottom. I called her back on the way to the store with Emily in the car and on speaker phone. After they "met" on the call.. my friend went into the details of her current situation. Emily said, can I stop you and say something? My friend, of course wanted to hear an addicts side.

Emily with her, mature voice, and I have never heard these words from her, said: I would not be here, alive, or sober if it were not for my parents doing some very key things. Pressing charges against me, kicking me out, turning their backs on me when I was using. It saved my life. As long as you are supplying a roof over your daughters head, she will not get well, you are helping her die.

You could hear my friend inhale. That's a lot to take in, in 1 breath.

The other conversation we had, was tougher for me. Emily said, Mom, you have to realize since age 13 or 14 I have surrounded myself by addicts... either in active addiction or recovery. So all I know is this.. use, rehab, use , rehab, use, rehab... I have not been around "normal" people my age. I used because I did not feel "normal". I was so young when I started using, my ability to reason and know "normal" was not there and to some extend, it's still not there..yet.

Now this conversation was a result of my comment about meeting her new friends, who obviously had been drinking... that's the context.

She went on to say, normal young people can have drinks on the weekend. Can go play pool and drink a few beers. Normal people accept that when I say I am allergic to alcohol, they don't push it on me. Where as the old friends I had, would say.. just one.. it will make you feel better or offer to rush me to a meeting. I want to be normal... I am dying to be normal... I missed out on it.

The question in my head, is can a young person that went from alcohol to heroin ever be normal? Or can they be normal this soon in recovery...9 months? Nothing in this disease feels normal to me.

So are these just words? Are the lips moving to say what is normal for an addict?

Hugs

Kelly

Drug Testing

2010-09-09T08:41:00.000-07:00

Drug Testing: I hate it.. that's honest. I have been drug tested for jobs and it's the new normal in the work place now. Do I believe it should be done... in some cases...yes, absolutely. I do not want my child's bus driver using illegal drugs while driving my kids home from school.

It has become a staple in my home. Too bad Cosco's doesn't sell them in bulk, but I have my connection... ebay sells in bulk. It's like buying k-up anymore.

I got wind my daughter was using. This too is my new normal... getting phone calls, texts, facebook messages, instantly when something goes amiss. What to do with that information? Well given our history, her history, you do what you can as a parent.

Saturday night - big party night right? I got my friend and we drove up to test Emily. We got there at 12:30 am. Is this my new normal..?? maybe. I wanted a plan and a back up plan. What if she wasn't home? What if she was home and wouldn't answer. What if she tested clean? What if she tested that she used? My friend calmly said, we will know what to do when the situation arises.

We pulled on to her street. Up ahead , where her apartment is, were 3 to 4 Cop cars. You can imagine how I felt. There are only 2 red lights from where we were to her apt. I hit them both. As soon as I could get close enough, the cop cars with people in them, took off.

Being the stake out Mom's that we are, we parked away from her apt parking lot. Walked up the dimly lit wooden rickety steps and knocked. No answer. No one was there. Called her , no answer. Texted her , no answer. Was she in the back of one of those police cars?

Finally my husband got a hold of her. She called me, not too happy at all. Wouldn't let me pick her up from her "friend's house". Wouldn't let me meet them. Said it would take awhile for her to walk home. I don't like that.. because I know if she is given any amount of time, she will pass a drug test.. this was to be unannounced on a Saturday night. She called back. She said she had nothing to hide. Her friends have nothing to hide and they would be glad to meet me. So I went to get her. Yes, I met 3 guys. 3 guys that had been drinking. They were polite, they were respectful and they were obviously worried about her... as she had an attack the night before in her apartment from a girlfriend in her program. According to this girl, Emily was using, her kit was there. According to Emily, this girl was drunk and threw something at her.

So that is why I was standing in the middle of the street at 1:00 am on Sunday morning, in a town I do not know.

We went to her apartment. She still was vicious with her words. But, she did 2 things, she packed her stuff, laundry included to come home for the rest of the weekend.. and she took a drug test, which I produced with cup in hand. She passed.

I looked around, my friend looked around. The apartment was not clean, clean like I like clean. But, it was not trashed like her last one did when she was using. There was nothing, nothing anywhere I could see. This was an ambush, I expected to find bottles, cans, wrappers, maybe needles... but there was nothing but dirty laundry and a clean drug test.

While driving home, she apologized for her reaction. She said she has been working on her initial reaction when she hears something she doesn't like and it didn't work this time. She was sorry. She knows I have her best interests at hand and heart and if I have to do this to keep myself sane, she understands and she was very sorry her words were so hurtful and immediate.

She was not slurring her words, she was not acting like she used.

She is lazy by nature, so I figured, something would show up in her laundry. I was waiting, nothing.. nothing showed up but a lighter and some changed.

We shopped for small misc things, an interview outfit and my husband took her back on Monday early evening. He spoke with her landlord. The landlord said he got complaints about a fight between the girl that came to Emily's apt and that's girls boyfriend and he was putting a property restraining order on them.

We have randomly drug tested her 3 times, unannounced, she passed 3 times.

I won't tell you this give me a whole lot of comfort thou.

Tuesday morning I wake up, check my phone.. I have Facebook notices. Emily has taken me off as her friend, but others have sent me pictures from Monday night at her apartment. She is with Pete, who is homeless and the basic reason she got kicked out of her program. There is the other girl's boyfriend, who has a property restraining order against him and she is in the new shirt I got her, so it's recent.

Boys are another one of her addictions. There is no test for that, but is Facebook and all the many photos they think are so cool to post. Too bad it's not old days, when you had to take the film in to be developed, Cosco could be making even more money.

That was my Tuesday morning. Tuesday afternoon, she texted, she got a job. Yes a J-O-B. It's for a wonderful independently owned grocery store. I have clients that work at the one here. We are a bigger city and we only have one, Emily's town is smaller and has 2. They promote, they pay for school, give benefits, like a family.

It's all so bitter sweet, living with an addict in your life

Ok off to bid on some drug test on ebay

Hugs

Kelly

Diseases

2010-08-31T08:16:00.000-07:00

There are some really horrific diseases out there. Addiction and Cancer are daily in my life. I have to include addiction because our medical field considers it a disease. I honestly feel at, and I have said to my daughter, at one point you had a choice to sneak out of the house and look for your thrill.. you did it enough for it to not become a choice, but something your body needed, craved to keep going.

However, in my sister in laws case, Carol, there was no choice, she woke up one day and was told she has incurable, non surgical cancer. It's in her lymph nodes, breasts, and most recent PET scan showes in her bones. She has no choice but to die from this or complications of this disease.

But my daughter does a have a choice, she can choose to use or Recovery, to die or live.

Seems like a no brainer to me, but what do I know?? I do not have either disease, thankfully.

I spent 3 days with Carol last week. I saw a noticeable difference in her from the last time I saw her.. 3 weeks ago. She said it was the new chemo. She got all the symptoms and more. To see her sit in the chair and cry... no able to verbalize what hurt, or explain how she was feeling. I felt helpless.. totally completely helpless. To hear her say, I can't do this anymore. I don't want to do this anymore... was very difficult for me. One hand, I wanted to say.. fight Carol.. fight. The other side of me, the one that knows she has lived this way for 3 years now.. wanted to say.. don't.. don't put yourself thru this for your family, for us. What's right, what's wrong to say?

There again, what do I know? Do you choose the last chemo available to live or do you take what quality of life you might have and live for awhile? I just don't know.

I called Carol today. She is no longer at her "resort" home in PA, she is in Pittsburgh with her daughter and her daughters family, to be closer to the hospital. She said she would never go back to her daughter's home, they had learned the lesson that as parents, they needed their own space and her kids needed their own home. So for Carol to be sitting there now, I know it's bad. Her hair has fallen out. Her head hurts to even lean against a chair.. so she is on yet another med to treat another symptom.

Carol has amazed me with her fight. She believes in God. What I consider a strict Catholic. She has dealt with her hand with Grace, Faith and Love. She trusts God. I admire her.

Last week, as I was leaving, she asked me.. What happened to us? We used to be so close. I knew what I thought, which was complicated and I knew how to present in away.. that she would not feel it was her. I said.. my brother was extremely sick and then finally got his liver transplant, I was consumed with that. And , to be honest, I isolated with what was going on with Emily. Took on the old saying, no news is good news. So if you don't hear from me, it's all good. She said, life is too short and these are the times we need our family and friends... I am both to you, so anytime you are feeling bad, you call me or visit me. This is coming from woman who is touching her head with a handful of hair coming out as she said it.

Will I ever have a conversation like that with my daughter and her disease? Can I ever say to Emily, what happened to us? Can she ever answer honestly? I just don't know.

So when I say, I would not wish the addiction on my worst enemy, I think I better say, I don't wish any disease on my worst enemy. Disease is horrific... some can be managed or go in remission, some can not. But it all comes back to acceptance. Accept the things I can not change and take the good moments when they are here and accept the bad moments, because they are here also.

Please keep Carol in your thoughts and prayers. She is a very special lady to me.

Hugs

Kelly

The shirt says: Got Serenity??

2010-08-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

I guess this is not my idea of : Got Serenity

I am just sick of it all.. fighting with my husband, because he believes her when she says she did not relapse, it was just a joke. I sick of wondering. I am sick of worrying. I am sick of living my life dictated by her immature actions. I am sick to death of all the money, time, work put into rehabs, sober livings, schools, therapy to have it all come back to this. I am sick of my life being on hold, because I might have to bury my daughter.

Do you really want the details? Probably not. But this is my life with an addict, that I love with my entire being.

I put my foot down.. I told my husband no more money spent on her until we have a meeting with the counselor she says she has or her sponsor/ sponsors. I want to know what Step she is on. I want to know what she is doing for her Recovery... before I open my wallet when the rent is due.

I can't say I am surprised... but yet again, I can say, I am sad. I can say, again, what I will support and what I won't.

And best of all , I can GET MY SERENITY
Hugs
Kelly

Emotions like a Roller Coaster

2010-08-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

It's been just over 1 week and I can't say the roller coaster ride I've been on is over..yet. The update. My husband did rent an apt for Emily. If you remember I was not "pro" this idea. He said to me, you can support her or not. What a choice he gave me. So in the Spirit of the ride, I decided to try and support her.

I picked her up Friday night.. by the time she decided she wanted to do this, prayed on it, and by the time it was official, the apt was hers, if she wanted, it was rush hour. She told me while I was driving she would pack. I pulled into her town and called her.. she said... oh *hit, I have to pack. I asked what she had been doing?? Nothing came to her mind.

I went into Sals. I have to say.. it was very nice, clean, smelled like a good dinner. As we were checking her out, the worker on duty said, you know, if you stayed just 2 weeks longer we assist with deposit, rent, electric , etc. I just looked at her..another good opportunity gone.

The whole drive home, she was on her Boost Track phone.. which I found out includes Internet and Facebook. I asked her to put the phone down and talk with me, since I don't see her much and to get paper and pen and make a list. I included calling the Food Stamp place, to give her new address... because I do this my clients.. and I know the guidelines... but honestly, what do Mother's know?

We got home at 8 pm. 8:05 , her friend Justin was at the door. They planned on going to a party. Both my husband and I said NO. I said we are not ready for that and you have a lot to do. She claimed she needed to do laundry for interview clothes, etc. He left at 11:30pm and Emily remembered she had wet clothes in a garbage bag in my car. She wondered why I hadn't done it... I said, I told you could use my facilities, but I was not doing the work..

Woke up to Emily gone.. She and Justin went to breakfast at 8 am, as he was leaving for his sober support in Prescott. I smelled something... looked in the dog cage.. Lucy had gotten very sick. Come to find out.. Emily was searching the pantry late the night before.. dropped the Kashi chocolate covered fiber bars on the floor and too lazy to pick them up.. so Lucy had a midnight snack with wrappers included. So I made her clean that up too. Then I check Emily's room. I asked her to put it back the way she found it please.

I still wasn't sure if I was going to asst in moving day. Around noon , I decided to. I hit, ironically, a Sals. They had all their furniture 1/2 off. So I got a futon, because my husband thought he should buy her yet another bed, new. I got a chair and coffee table and a few lamps, that's all that would fit, thankfully, because I love a 1/2 sale at Sals! A huge storm came, most people were pulling over.. I kept trucking.. then I hit the orange barrels.. so it took me 5.5 hours to get there... by then I wasn't much help.. tired. We went to dinner at this cute tikki place.. I had fresh grouper, hard to find in Ohio. The waitress's were wearing different colored tye-dye t-shirts and jeans. And they said they were hiring.. we suggest she come back there and apply. No reaction.

She is on the 3rd floor with no a/c. Against our better judgement.. I was sent to Walmart to buy the last 3 fans the store had, blinds, light bulbs, sheets, oh about 200.00 worth of stuff.

That was 1 week ago. I have not heard from her. My husband has, I have not. But I guess he is paying the rent , I am not.

She did get a job, 10 am to 5:30 pm , 6 days a week, off Saturdays. There goes IOP. Guess it wasn't a priority.

Meanwhile, my husband left last Sunday for business til Thursday. He got back in time for our counseling appointment with Andy. The counselor basically told us.. Andy is formed. We are not his primary influence anymore. He is a great kid, he has had lots of opportunities, lots of potential and he made some bad choices. Due to us being hyper sensitive about the issue, we might digging in a place that will come up empty. Our job is to keep doing what we do. Give consequences and follow thru and don't dwell and don't be bullied into changing our mind about our consequences. Enjoy our time left with him and his Senior year.

I kept stressing.. I am worried about addiction. It's in our extended family, our family. The counselor explained to me, I can't stop it.. I can't control it... geesh those words that took me so long to "accept" with Emily. I don't like to accept that Andy is formed and we are not his primary influence... when did time fly and when will I get off this ride?

Hugs
K

Always that shade of GRAY

2010-08-12T09:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's just my children or all teens... but it seems as if nothing is black and white when it comes to their side of the story. I was certain they had learned in school and at home, that sticking to the facts helps get the crisis cleared up quicker. Instead, I become Detective Kelly, digging up the facts. Because nothing is black and white with either of them.

Emily is still at "SALS" - Salvation Army Shelter. The latest was that, all the girls have turned their back on her. That the politics of the Beacon House, are making sure everyone stays away from her. That she can't sleep there, the beds are loud when someone rolls, there is light, she had to spend some the 40.00 we gave her on an eye mask to block the light. She is so stressed out she can't eat. She is lonely and depressed. But she is sober. What's a Mother to do when she gets a phone call like that?? Go into action... that's what.

I start looking up sober living homes around the State. What's to keep her in Wooster, when the support I thought she had is gone. I am scrambling to get plan B or C. But remember I am tired, I need a break. So I make a plan.. call my husband to meet for dinner at PF Changs.. if we go there.. I know he will go for any plan I have! My plan was.. I am too tired to figure all this out, so she should come home. Just 1 or 2 weeks, then we can look online together, make calls, wash clothes, etc..

But in the back of my head.. there is tick tick tick.. shades of gray.. the sky even got gray.. So I picked up the phone and called one of the girls. We'll call her Linda.. Linda coined out.. got her own apartment. And Emily was suppose to get other 1/3 of the house. That didn't happen. Emily went Monday, after my husband had talked to the owners on Saturday.. and the place was Emily's and they would help her.. But when Emily went to confirm, they said NO WAY.. and their warm friendliness turned to stone. My husband made a call to the head of Beacon. He said.. what's up... this girl is trying, living at Sals, sober.. and for some reason every avenue she tries to take is being shut down.. and your organization seems to be the reason. What's up with your confidentiality?? The man calls back.. he said.. yes, Linda and another girls told the owners there were problems with Emily... I will however call a meeting about confidentiality.. that is not fair to her.

Another reason for one of the ticks in my head, was, on Sunday we called Emily on Sunday night.. we always try to contact her at 9:30 to 10:00 pm to make sure she is ok and her way to Sals or at Sals and she survived the day on the street. Sunday, she happened to be in a hurry, saying she was late.. because her new sponsor, B took her to a meeting in another city, because Emily felt uncomfortable with the girls at their meeting. I looked up the other city and the meetings.. and there weren't any.. But maybe I got it wrong?? Tick Tick Tick..

Oh yeah.. back to calling Linda.. I said to Linda.. I am really worried about Emily. I want to help, come up with some options for Emily... Linda told me the following: Emily has been missing meetings because of "that boy". Pete. Pete is homeless, living in the park. Pete is not allowed in any shelters in the city. She said, I could not risk having Emily live in the same building/house as me, as I am trying to get my kids back and I can't have all these youngens drinking. The girls from the house are not associating with Emily due to her choices. She said in fact, B has asked me to co sponsor Emily and we are having a "Pete Intervention" with Emily tonight after the meeting.
She also told me, Emily has the support.. me, B, many others.. she has to call each of us every day, has homework from us, she has rides for interviews and meetings.. she is welcome to eat, stay at either of our places.. and she went home with me last Sunday to my parents house.
I said ok, with Emily, there is always another side.. the gray.. thank you for telling me, makes my decisions easier. I said, my 2 things are safety and health, that includes being sober.
Linda said, she has all that and SALS is the best place for her right now.. because she has rules, curfew and chores and is being fed, she can live there and save money. She said I would hate to think of Emily having an apt right now, she is not ready.

That was Tuesday.

Wed. my husband had planned to go up and meet Emily and find another apt for her. We met for dinner at PF Changs and I relaid my conversation to him. I said now what do we do? He said, well I am still going, and I plan to have a talk with her. I said well, since I know Linda, and I know the program she has worked.. I am want to follow her lead.

My husband went up there. They looked at many apts. They narrowed it down to 2. They told each one they would make a decision and have the money by Friday.

So not only do my teens have shades of gray, I guess my husband does too.

Since she does not have a job or address or bank account. It becomes black and white as to how her new apt will be paid for.

I was then told Pete has been "cheating" on Emily with another girl and has moved in with that other girl. I didn't say what I think: which was .. wonder how long that will last?

Because apparently things to me are black and white and it's a sunny day today... not a cloud in the sky.

Hugs
Kelly

This is about the "Other" one

2010-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Great looking group of boys... childhood friends.. memories.. growing up...

Each year my son, Andy and his friends get together and have draft teams for Fantasy Football. They have a web page. They have a commissioner.. whose house the the draft is held at. They wear suits, ties, like owners do. Except my son, who adopted my habit and likes to hit the Goodwill for fun and funky things. This year was kinda special, as they will be seniors and this little tradition might go by the waste side as they enter adulthood, college, work, etc. Although I am told, that's why the website was made. As they make their in the world, they can always come back to their roots thru football. My guess is more money will be placed for betting.

I have not addressed some of my stress with my son on this blog. Instead, I put on my sunglasses at the grocery store.. I say "No" to invites to have dinner with his friend's Mothers.. I pace the house.. not only for Emily, but Andy as well.

Last night, I laid in bed... thinking back.. ( not always a good thing to do).. I had two perfect beautiful babies. 1 girl and 1 boy.. how lucky is that? We had a cute little bungalow.. even a metal old school swing set in the yard.. came with the house.

I was happy, grateful.. who would have thought?? I was the last person anyone thought would have kids.. and maybe I should have listened??

My older more experienced neighbors were full of advice for me at the backyard BBQ's. Little kids, little problems. Oh those teen years...

Instead of looking at my children with love I didn't know I even had.. maybe I should have listened to the older wiser neighbors.. opened my ears.. I don't know.. as I said.. looking back or reflecting isn't always a good thing to do.

My son was charged with possession of beer in his car last night.

He and his friends ran from the police. He wasn't answering the phone I pay for.

The police ran the plates and called my husband..

Oppss.. I was at the Irish Fest with my best friend.. Kelly 2. I had stayed in the house all week, pacing, crying over Emily.. my friend said it was time for me to go out for a day. I agreed it would do me good.. fresh air, bands, food, drink... yes, that should be just what the Dr ordered. But, maybe I should have stayed home, been on top of my son. eeekk there I go again, looking back.. reflecting.

He passed the breathalyzer test. He showed them where he dumped out his beer. They picked his car to drink in because it was the biggest most comfortable, best speakers. Here I thought we bought an old used Infinity so he wouldn't be hurt if he was in an accident. Hindsight is 20/20.

There were 2 other cars parked there... the police were trying locate those parents and the boys that ran. They are not being charged.. that I know of. Although, Andy believes if they tested them, he story would pan out, he was clean, they were not.

He stands to loose 60% of his sport.. swimming.. he is the captain, has been for 2 years.. a swim scholarship and much more.. our trust... the trust of his friend's parents... his character.

Back in the day... the police brought me home to my parents, drunk.. slap on the wrist. Things are different now.. the stakes are higher, but the invincibility of how you feel when you are teen is the same.

I have always believed we learn from our mistakes and those teen years are your learning years.. but no one told how it really was.. or I just wasn't listening. I want my son to learn, to fail in areas to learn and grow... but man is it painful to watch.

As I closed my eyes last night and tried to sleep... I remembered God only gives us what we can handle.. I been handling a lot lately, I asked for a break.

My daughter is living in the Salvation Army shelter

My son is charged with possession

My sister in law is dying of cancer

I am on email exchange only with my Mom

I am still on medical leave from work

Last night, I drove Andy home. He said.. say something.. do something.. I just shook my head.. He said ok then... no car for a month, no Cedar Point next week, see the counselor once a week, don't hang out with xxxxx.

I thought I would wake up today.. have a plan.. have a contract.. jump in with both feet, be pro active.. but I woke up still numb and void. I hope this is enough for now.. just for today.

Hugs

Kelly

Latest Update

2010-08-06T09:48:00.000-07:00

First, I can't say I am ok. I try hard to keep it together. What kind of Mother has her 19 year old daughter live in a Salvation Army shelter. Emily calls it Sals. Is that like Sak's? I don't think so... far from it. My eyes brim with tears..24/7. Something is not right in this. And I don't have the answers.

Gloria sent a piece of paper with one of the girls to their home meeting for Emily. It had the name of 2 rehabs in other cities close to where they are now. 90 day rehabs.
Want to know what I think?
I think Gloria thought Emily was a spoiled rotten brat. That her Mommy and Daddy would pick her up and bring her home.. and that didn't happen. So if something happens to Emily, Gloria will share in my guilt.

Emily has signed up for IOP. We all know what that, but for others, it's Intensive Out Patient. Emily's counselor, who has done wonders for her, is in charge of that. So she can continue her work with Loree, the counselor. Loree is gone for 2 weeks.. but she will be back. Emily starts on Monday.

I told Emily, I am really proud of you. Simply amazing. She just said Thanks.. like it's all normal.

I have consistently said.. your words mean nothing to me anymore.. it's action I want to see. I have to say, her actions are reassuring.

She has had several offers of help, a place to live, etc.. but she said she is not making any rash decisions and thinking it all over.. trying to be patient.. letting God help her.

So when my eyes are brimming with tears, as always with Emily, they are because it is all so bitter sweet.
Hugs
Kelly

Warning this is Raw as it's happening Now

2010-08-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

All this is happening right now. All I can say, is Thank God for the Salvation Army! I will be putting more money in the red buckets at Christmas time.

Emily got kicked out today. We all knew it was coming. I don't even remember where I left off on my last blog.

Anyway they had a meeting on Monday about her. Only 1 of the house mother's voted to make Emily leave. I will refer to this woman by her name, because I don't care, Gloria. Gloria has caused us to walk on eggshells since I met her. Gloria was put in a position of power that Gloria shouldn't have. But, we all knew this. My thoughts are she is very angry and unhappy and karma is a *itch. I also believe people like Gloria are put in our lives to learn something. Gloria does not like Emily , or us for that matter.

So after the meeting because only Gloria voted to kicked Emily, Emily could stay. BUT, she was on restriction, meaning back to square 1. She couldn't go to meetings, call her sponsor, us, etc. And can't get a check mark or she would be out. I knew this wouldn't last too long. I knew it was a matter of time.

This morning Gloria said one of the girls in the house could take Emily to a meeting. Aarica, whose in the highest phase. Emily had to stay with Aarica, it's the rules. So in this way, I feel Gloria set Emily up.. Emily should have smelled a rat. The girls went to the meeting. Aarica stopped at Drug Mart and got a pop and cigs. Emily got kicked out, she was not allowed to go to the store. Yet she had to stay with Aarica.

My husband went up to get her. Here is another inconsistency. When a girl is kicked out. They drive them to the Salvation Army. Gloria would not drive Emily.

So my husband called me several times on the way up there. He wanted to bring her home. Stating she could get her job back at Starbucks, her licence, save money, etc.

I had to be strong. I felt this is the time I have to be strong. Little did I know, I would have to find even more strength during the course of this morning... I said no she can't come home. Physically, I can't take it. I am just on mend and I can't get sick again. He said to me, your sickness was a thyroid, that is taken care of now. I said, it was brought on by stress. My Dr. didn't have to throw my into hypo thyroid, he could get back to normal because it was stress.

Then he said, ok, I will bring her back for a short time, until we can find another place.

I said: There are 3 of us living here, Andy has a vote too. You better call him. My vote is no, she can't come home. He hung up on me.

Calls back and says, ok, I will tell her, because of her Mom, she can't come home.

See, the addiction and her crisis es divide us.

He got there and all the girls were in an uproar. How unfair this was, etc. They are gonna do something about it. They will help Emily. So and so can get her job, so and so will have her over to her parents for dinner, etc.

Emily got in the car and said, going home is not an option. There are too many triggers, too much for her. She calmly said she wanted to go to the Salvation Army. They found it and my husband got out of the car to go in with her and she said No, this is something I have to do.

There is a bed for her. She can't go until 4:30pm. They are to be out of the center during the day to find work. She called me and said, it's not most glamours place she's been, but it will due.

I am crying.. sobbing.. still am for that matter. How does a Mother put her daughter in the Salvation Army shelter? I needed strength to make it happen and now I need strength to follow it thru.

When a person is almost 7 months sober, is living at the Salvation Army a reward? Is the right thing to do? Will it cause her to go back to her old ways? Am I doing the wrong thing? Will something horrible happen to her? Can I live with the guilt? It seemed much easier to "throw" her out when she was using. That was a no brainer to me.. but this.. this is just plain sad... numbing.. We have always been able to pull an option or a string in the past, those are all used up and this is where we / she is. Do I have the strength to do this? I can't answer that.

She is very calm. She said she was going to her home meeting tonight and gonna tell her story. She feels she has a lot of sober support there. Someone may help her out with a place to live or a job. She is taking this much better than I am.

I started sobbing when I talked to her. She asked why? Why?? I HATE addiction.. it's sending my baby to a Salvation Army. She said Mom, I can't do this now... I have to hold it together, I will talk to you later.

She has no money, no phone.. God only knows... Just keep my baby safe and sober please...

Hugs

Kelly

It takes women like this to help us all

2010-08-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

At one point, when Emily was in FL and we were out of communication with her, my mind started to wander.. what if's.. she was laying there and OD'd. What if she is sick? What if her mental illness has kicked in? She is 18, the law says she is an adult. What can I do?

I found out about the Baker Act and The Marshman Act.

I called the police and mentioned the Marshman Act. They went to the motel she was holed up in and she opened the door. They said your Mother is very worried about you and worried about your health and mental well being. She had her phone in her hand and said, that's weird, I just got off the phone with her. Her phone was turned off by me, a week before. The police bought it, hook line and sinker.

Well here is a woman, Sharon Blair, whose daughter Jennifer lost her life due to drugs. She is trying to tweek the Marshman Act, to benefit our loved ones who are addicts. The Jennifer Act is in Indiana now. Close to be used in Florida... I hope we can get stated in all States.
The Jennifer Act « The Jennifer Act

Recovery Month 2010 - Sharon Blair

NOPE Task Force - Narcotic Overdose Prevention & Education

A major shout out or kudos to Sharon Blair!

Hugs
Kelly