Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Friday, November 12, 2010

There was an OD and the chick is dead

This was a text my husband got from Emily's old landlord.

There was on OD from Heroin in Emily's apartment and the chick is dead.

I immediately thought it was Emily's current apartment! But it was her old apartment.

My husband forwarded this to Emily and I. Emily said.. it's Aarica ( her best friend at her program, and like a 2nd daughter to me).

I speak regularly to Aariaca's Mom on the phone.. we work thru our bad days together, we share information, we pray our kids make it thru another day with their disease. It never occurred to me Emily was speculating...

I called Aarica's Mom. I asked if she had talked to Aarica that day.. I said more importantly, in the last hour.... she said no. I asked if Aarica was working.. she said no... Then, shock took over me and in most indelicate way possible.. I said... They are saying Aarica is dead... I said this 3 times to her. .

She made several calls to the police and hospital.. no one would give her any information.. thanks Hippa laws... Aarica just turned 22, she is an adult. But, don't get me started on that fact parents will get the bills and have the do not recessitate power... but not the power to find out what's going on with our child.

I spoke to Aarica's Mom most of the time she was driving to the next city where Em's apartment was.. I didn't have the address and at that very moment Emily's texts ran out.. so I was guiding them in from memory... nobody there.. they were off to the hospital. She got a text from Aarica's boyfriend.. she is dead.. DOA.

We hung up..and I sobbed.. sobbed like no tomorrow.. sobbed thinking that this could have my daughter.. sobbed that world will be missing a beautiful girl , with the biggest smile and brightest eyes when she is sober.. sobbed for a family that will never be the same...

I went into overdrive. I called Emily... her phone worked, but not the texting... I feared this would put her over the edge...and wanted her safe at home. She agreed to come home... and I would take her to work the next day at 11 and then head up to be Aarica's Mom. I am pretty good at answering my kids questions, lots of practice. I also pride myself on my talent to be able to change the subject quickly without them realizing it... but I could not do it this night. I could not answer Emily's questions, I could not comfort her in the way I should be able to, because I was hurting too. I could not switch subjects, because this one was heavy, all around us in my car.. not leaving... So I was honest... I don't know Emily.. I just don't have the answers.. we are both in shock... there is no right or wrong... this is raw pain.

Aarica's Mom told me, she would call me as soon as she knew what was going on. I knew from Emily... that there were 3 people in her old apartment. The boy shot up and OD'd, the other girl was reviving him, while Aarica shot up.. She shot up while the boy was Oding... Something went wrong.. and Aarica was Oding.. the girl called Aarica's boyfriend.. he came and held Aarica as her tongue was hanging out and blue , her eyes rolled back in her head.. she quit breathing.. He, thank god, had the sense to call 911.. because the other girl was just worried about getting in trouble.

3 and half long hours went by.. and Emily and I prayed... I said.. I gotta call.. I don't want to bug them.. but if they are at the hosp still.. maybe that means she is alive?? I called, I was transferred to the ER , good sign... ER transferred me to her area.. Aarica's Mom answered.. said she would call me soon.. but yes, Aarica was alive and getting ready to do a tox screen.

Aarica's Mom called me, we talked til 2am. Aarica arrived at the hosp as DOA.. their Minister was there reading the last rights and they were working on her... they had cut all her clothes off.. and they were reviving her... She had peed and pooped.. so I guess that does happen when you die.. they were shoving forms in Aarica's mom hands.. saying they have no idea what the brain damage will be, she had been dead for so long, quite possible she would be a vegetable. If she signed the forms, they would quit trying to resuscitate, or if they got her breathing, she could have the plug pulled. She did nothing.. shock.. and Aarica came around...

Of course Aarica doesn't remember anything... she was not in a good mood... and against Drs orders she left the hosp in the gown and went home to her boyfriends house... they were worried about broken ribs from recessiting.. and other injuries. But she is an adult and left with her boyfriend.

The story went.. Aarica and her b/f had a fight the day before. He happens to have a local 15 year old girl preg.. due any day now.. he was texting her and would not let Aarica see the texts.. so she left and knew Emily's apt was empty and stayed there for a night or two. Aarica is on probation. Her b/f is on probation and the other boy in the apt is on probation too. They were all given this program or treatment instead of jail and they all got kicked out, just as my daughter was.

The other boy was hauled off in hand cuffs from the hosp.. 5 warrants, going to prison

Aarica's b/f had a dirty test the week before and left for jail the next morning

Aarica met with her PO the next day.. told him everything.. technically she should have gone to jail.. but didn't. Which leaves her mother in a bad situation... she wanted her in jail... and only those of us with addicts know jail can mean good things for our kids.

But by the grace of God, she is still with us and has a chance to reach her potential.

I have to say.. I have heard of Od's... such a tragic loss.. but I have never actually never known the person.... my adrenalin was on overdrive for 2 days... it wiped me out...

My husband said he could not get the Neil Young song out of his head.. the needle and the damage done. I could not get the song by Billy Joel out of my head.. Only the good die young.

I woke up the next morning.. to notice a friend of mine from high school died. I read the obit.. he had been in AA for over 15 years.. he touched a lot of lives.. was a special needs teacher for middle school students. This didn't make sense to me... I found out later in the day.. it was ruled a suicide.. and his 12 year old son found him in his car in their barn. I hope he found he found the peace he was seeking and I hope even more his family and 3 kids can find peace and some sort of comfort.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Standards Vs Expectations

I am confused between standards vs expectations. The reason is because I watched Dr. Phil yesterday. Related to the Mother's statement on her daughters drug use. She said, she found a pipe in her daughters car and she expected her to experiment and try misc drugs.

Dr. Phil said... My my, how we've lowered our standards as parents.

Then went on to say, not all our kids experiment, etc.

It got me thinking... In my Polarity classes and thru therapy, I learned to get over my expectations of my daughter or other people. Because they are just that... MY Expectations. People, including my kids, husband, family, shouldn't have to try to live up my expectations. So I worked my butt of on that... let go of expecting my daughter to go to college. Let go of my expectation of my daughter staying in a program. Let it all go.. Let go that my husband will not be on the same recovery path as myself. You get the idea...


When Dr. Phil says, how we have lowed our standards, I get confused. Again. Does standard mean, within the laws of society only? So it's illegal to do drugs, per society, so if our children experiment and we are ok with it, then we have lowered our standards? Or is it an expectation of ours that our children don't experiment with drugs? Not all that "experiment", go on to be addicts. So, I guess my confusion is directly related to having an addict child.

And some of my confusion is because, again, thru therapy, I learned at a certain age, we as parents, are no longer our child's biggest influence. Having said that, whose standards are they? The parents, or biggest influence on kids, their peers?

Take away addiction. Take my son for example, who is not an addict. Make it simple. We walked into 5 Guys for dinner one night. This girl that worked there, basically yelled across the restaurant to Andy... HI ANDY!! He barely looked up, claims he nodded to her, but I didn't see it. So our dinner conversation was about his reaction or lack of. I told him, I don't care who it is, but when someone acknowledges you like that, you should be polite and say hello. I felt your behavior was rude. He had his list of excuses as to why he acted the way he did. But, my expectation or standard of him is to be polite, no matter what. You don't have go do something with them or text them, but you can lift your head and say Hi. You never know, you may need a job some day and she is the doing the hiring.

Another simple example is the simple words: THANK YOU. I was a stay at home mom for a lot of years. That meant, I was the driver of many kids for many activities. I can tell you 90% of the kids do not say those 2 little words, Thank You. After the kid would get out of my car, I would say to my kids, why do I do this, if I am not even thanked. I , there's that word again, "expect" you to say Thank You to any mother that is driving you, feeding you, letting you in their home. I expect that. That is my standard, that's how I raised my kids. And I can very assured, tell you, both my kids say it to others now. Emily explained it to me one day. She said, Mom, not all kids are raised the same way we are. They do not know to say Thank You. So those words are not a standard or is it an expectation (?), in most families. I can also tell you, my kids both thanked me for driving their friends around or after I had their friends over to play and took them home, I heard Thank You from my kids. They know I am a stickler for that.. or that I expect it.. or that it is my standard.

So are our standards or expectations different when we had a child that is addicted?

What is the difference between standard and expectation?

I welcome feedback.