Tight Rope Walker

Tight Rope Walker

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Hi All,

Sorry I have been MIA.. been working non stop..like 50 hours a week. But I feel the need for some support and I know that's a lot to ask for in this area. Here is the update. End of Oct. we got a phone call from the woman from the Sober Living home where my daughter finally went back to. She said she was in the hospital..not for using, but my daughter had been raped. She was selling an ipod she had stolen and the situation got out of control. ( however, I might believe this perp, she wanted drugs). I flew down to FL and got her the next day and brought her home. The guy had just gotten out of jail that morning and is a career criminal. We jumped with both feet to get her into help, rape advocacy woman, girls group, etc. She was so grateful and thankful, got a job at Starbucks, we were getting her lience.. etc.

This past week I knew things were up. I asked to meet her new friends when they came to get her and she said she was setting her boundaries and acting like a normal 18 year old girl and was not going to bring her friends into meet me. That was Friday night. We did not hear from til Sunday at 3:30 pm. She came home and said she was thinking of moving out in the next few weeks. We said fine, but, do this drug test and if it's positive, you will be moving out in 20 minutes.

She failed the test. She took 1 bag of clothes and called her old b/f to come get her. Around 6:30pm it was the police. They arrested her and her b/f for trying to write bad checks at a check cashing place. They also found my husbands credit card in his back pocket. They asked if we wanted to press charges, we said yes. For some reason she did not get out today. She has called my husband and is shocked we are pressing charges and she can't come back to our home. She said all I want to do is heroin til she dies. She will not do anymore rehabs, she will not go get psych help. As soon as they release her tomorrow she is going to score and try and kill herself.

I am numb and I feel like I should act on this and try to reach someone who can help her save her life.

This is or shall I say was my beautiful daughter that I had such hopes for. I am not doing well. I actually thought I would give her the heroin and let her do it so she can find peace..she is so tormented on this earth.


We have offered her rehab today on the phone and she said F you. She said you want to go to another rehab and do all that talking, just to talk, because I do not want to walk the walk, I want to use.
We can not afford another rehab..it would be her 4th one, in addition to therapy school for 9 months.
There are no beds open in the area for the more public ones. I am afraid this time we can not help her.

I can not meet her when she gets out of jail...I actually have for the debt she has caused us and my husband has a huge meeting tomorrow out of town.. I am afraid this time we can not help. We need to move on and not have every day be about her, we need to start paying off the flights, the attorneys, the therapists.

Even if I had the time and money.. I honestly don't want to see her... I am afraid if she started begging I would let her back in or I would take her to get dope, which I never I did before , but maybe this is her journey and she is miserable and so tormented. She is dealing with PTDS and I think it's a mountain to high for her climb.

She is 18 and I can't drag her to rehab. Like I said, we can't afford one and they are all full here. Psych wards will keep her 72 hours and she knows that talk and those beds are full .. so hopefully they will give her a name of a shelter or she will call her friends and I will get a call she is gone. She has no money, no phone, no clothes ( they were taken by the police)..and this isn't her rock bottom, she is still saying F you


Thanks Everyone! Where it stands now... there are still no beds anywhere. My husband has been working all day on this. I have decided to let go and not rack my brain for options. He is currently picking her up at the woman's work house ( jail place ). She is begging for help and saying she is in detox bad and really wants help. Sad thing is, I don't believe her. My husband could not let her just walk out of there without any money, phone, or anything. Oh by the way, the shelters are full. So there is a place in NC that is a 2 year program and the first year is free. I told him he could offer that and they will take her in 24 hours. Otherwise he can drop her off at her dealers/ b/f's house and I want nothing more to do with this.

And you all are right... I have to take of myself, having her around is not taking care of myself. My Mom asked me today.. How will you ever find happiness again? You are my daughter and I love you and I am so sad that you are loosing so much of your wonderful self. I have been patient, I have been supporting, I have done tough love, I have given and I have taken and now I can not do it anymore. I also told my husband if he continues this, he will have to leave for good. He wanted me to call her b/f and my daughters stuff out of his car. I said no. I didn't want her take the stuff in the first, she needs to be stripped to the clothes on her back. If you continue to enable, I will officially loose my mind, so you need to decide if you can let go of her and only pray for her and for us to heal. If you can't, you will have leave. He said he did not like leaving with no options. I said she left her self with no options. He feels its not her fault the places are full or we don't have the money for the good ones. I feel it is the nature of the beast and it's time for her to take over the beast not us.

My daughters best friend is home this week from rehab , he has been gone 20 months. We were all suppose to have this great celebration. I went to see him... because I had to... but I told him I can't express my happiness for you because of how I am feeling about Emily...I said I am not jealous... but I am not being fair to you...giving you my all. He said he understood and still wants to talk to her. I told him at this point silence might be stronger.. He got choked up and it's weighing heavily on his mind, and I don't want to cause his fragle state any disruption. His first home visit should be joyous.

I also want to thank you all here! You can't know how your words and support mean to me. I believe it is keeping me sane right now. I have become friends with my daughters therapist. She is texting all the time.. how are things? Are you ok? She said to me she felt like she stalking me, but F Emily and I am here for you... anytime. Working so much keeps my mind busy. I work with MRDD clients.. sometimes I wonder if it's any easier at work... but it helps. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR PRAYERS and ALL YOUR SUPPORT


I thank god every day she does not have kids. She has never been interested in kids and does take her birth control, seems it's the only thing in her life she has consistantly kept up on. The idea of kids/grandkids like your situation would probably honestly put me in the ground. And our "system" says it for kids, but becomes so much red tape without very many good options unfortunately.

Well my husband picked her up. He gave her a list of names and places that were willing to talk to her. He said she can home only, if she picks the 2 year program in NC, so she can do their application and 5 page paper and we would have her on a plane in 24 hours. She decided to go to someones house. We do not know the neighborhood or the person. A Mom answered the door with a baby in her arms and in went my daughter. My husband did give her a 5.00 phone card. She said she would think about it. And I believe she was begging for rehab because it was easier than jail at that moment. Now if we will know if she is serious if she calls these people and asks us for a ride to one of them. It is called Recovery Ventures Corporation in NC. One of the therapist in our area recommended it.

I did tell my husband to tell her, I will not see or speak to her until she wants help..but I find myself wondering how she is? If I did get to talk to her, could I make a difference. What is she wearing, what is she eating? Is she shooting up and going to OD?..can I stop it? That she is a very sick girl mentally and emotionally, going thru PTSD and should I be helping? I think I can only move on if there is closure..be it a rehab or death..it's the inbetween that is killing me slowly. Today, it doesn't feel like I can even do one foot in front of the other...but I am gonna try.. I have a son that wants Thanksgiving and has a day off. I have a boat load of work to do and don't want to do it. Then I get mad because her actions cause this in me..and I know thats wrong.
THANKS EVERYONE! Happy Thanksgiving! K


I guess just knowing that I or our family is not alone in all this.

One of the younger boys in AA went into our local Starbucks after a meeting and saw Emily. She was working. He said she looks bad and pretty sad, looking at the ground. He told her ..you have my number, call anytime and she said my parents took my phone. In his mind thought "GOOD"! He told us the mgr of Starbucks is great girl, has been thru some stuff in her life and gave Emily a 2nd chance, but that's it.

Some of her "good" friends have found out she is living with her dealer b/f. I am assuming they are living at his parents house, less than 2 miles from us. He doesn't have a job or life..so I am sure he is taking her to work and taking her paycheck. He has texted me saying what horrible parents we are for throwing our daughter to the streets. In the heat of the moment I told him, I blame his parents for not getting him help a long time ago and letting 2 addicts live with them. It made me feel better.

I spent Thanksgiving cleaning her room. I got rid of all the clothes she left, they remind me of her worst days. It's sparkling clean and now feels good to enter that room. We had dessert with her best friend and family that was in for his first home visit. He is doing great. There were a few red flags during his visit, but, luckily his Mom and I have each other and she knows she can vent to me , as I have been there , done that. We are not 100% sure those 2 didn't see each other.

My son came to me tonight, his Ipod is missing. I told him he could text her b/f. He said no, he will just pay a visit to Starbucks himself and take care of it. I also found 2 bottles of my pills gone. So we are still trying to move on. It's almost as if her name is a bad word around here. I hate for it be like this, but, we are in "protect " ourselves mode around here.

Thanks again everyone! Have a great Monday.. one foot in front of the other, that will be my Monday.


I am slowing reading thru your thread.. breaks my heart over again.. but so nice to see you making such progress in healing! I hope to follow in your footsteps!

The drama continues here... The Det. came over last night, gave us our credit cards and stuff back. I think we taught him something. He had an "attitude" about where we live, kept making comments. I believe when he left here, he knew we were a family in pain and could be from anywhere or any part of the city.

Wasn't 15 minutes after he left. Emily called asking for more clothes, her winter coats, electric guitar and money. We said no. We told her she better make her court date. She was told her by b/f ..all she had to do was fill out a bunch of paperwork.. we said oh no... Then 10 minutes later the Det called again saying her b/f had called him for advice. He laughted at him and said, I only give the victums advice.. criminals should pay the price.

So we are holding strong. My husband decided if my daughter meets him at a meeting , after the meeting he will give her , her winter coats.